We are in a similar position because our daughter was left at the hospital as part of the Safe Haven Law.  She is five now and what complicates matters is her brother has an open adoption and we all see his bio family.  It is heartbreaking, but I’m trying to handle it as honestly as possible.  Keeping answers as simple and kind as I can.  When she gets older, I hope we can try to see her birthmom’s point of view.  Hopefully some empathy will help. 

Thankfully, your daughter will never have to live with the atrocities happening in parts of Africa, so empathy may be difficult.  I think all we can do is support them on their journey and allow them to feel whatever feelings they have.  As parents, we want to fix everything.  Sometimes the best we can do is love and support them as they deal with their emotions.

Good for you for asking the questions you are asking, and for being willing to be vulnerable enough to say that you don’t know what to do.  There are a tremendous number of adoptive parents who are in the same boat—know nothing about their child’s original parents and family, and know only that their child was abandoned in a location that seems to suggest that he/she was left to die.

    Hopefully, some of what I ca share (and that others will share, too) can help you decide what to say and what to anticipate your child will think and feel and wonder about as she grows through various developmental stages.  First, tell the truth and only the truth, but HOW you tell it will either encourage your child to reveal her thoughts and feelings to you, or keep them private (which tends to cause wrongful, hurtful self-theories to develop and fester).

      The truth is that you really do not know who it was that left your child in a ditch, or even that that IS where she was found.  What you know is that those involved in placing her, who are in whatever African nation she was born in, TOLD you that story.  It might be true.  It might not be true.  Also, that you have no way to know whether it was one or both birth parents who left her there, or whether someone else took her from her parents and then left her there (sometimes children are abducted), or whether her care had been given over to others who then decided that they would not be able to raise her and left her in the ditch.  Its also possible that whomever left her where they did believed that she would have a better chance of being found by the side of a road, since they were afraid of taking her to an orphanage or to the authorities.  Sometimes birth families fear the consequences that they might face (and know nothing about how they will be regarded and treated, or don’t have information about where else TO leave the child).  We tend to interpret our children’s pre-adoption history through our own cultural lens, and not understand enough of the birth culture and the way that people—especially people who are poor and vulnerable—think and act.  They may very well have been doing the best that they thought that they could, even though, by our standards, it looks as though they had no care and concern for the child.

    It is difficult for most children to have no information, but not necessarily MORE difficult than for those who have some information, or even than for those who are involved in open adoptions.  It is different, but not necessarily worse or harder.  ALL adopted children have some feelings of abandonment, for the core question is: why did my original parents not love me enough to have fixed their problems well enough to have kept and raised me?  A child who sees her birth parents regularly and has heard them explain many times that they were unmarried, financially struggling, and had few resources and so placed because they wanted their child to have opportunities that they could not provide at that time—will still wonder why they didn’t get better jobs, or find someone to help them, or go get money out of the ATM machine “like my mom does when she doesn’t have enough.” —for that is how children think.  And once they are old enough to read or hear stories about single parents who DID, somehow manage, even though it was difficult, and DID keep their child—wonder why theirs did not.  (even when they are very glad that they have the family they have, and wouldn’t want that to be different!)

    You will want to talk with your child about how much you wish you could give her information about her birth parents and why she is not with them, but can’t because you don’t know.  You can help her to know that as impossible as it may seem now to locate her birth parents, there are new ways of helping adopted persons and unknown birth parents connect each year, and so you do not know what the future holds—which is very true. 

    Years ago, most international adoptions were of children born in Korea. Nearly all of the child
summaries stated that the children had been abandoned—even though that was not the truth.  That was because it made it easier and faster for the child to be placed for adoption (it was a legal shortcut), plus in Korean culture there is little focus on psychological consequences so most adults believed that the kids would never look back.  They never dreamed that the adoptees would, as adults, return and demand the truth.  Only twenty to thirty years after adoptions from Korea started, did we learn that so many of the stories had been falsified. 

  Since then, many Korean adoptees have
searched and found their birth families.  Some now live in Korea and have formed an organization to help fellow adoptees find housing, go to university there, learn the language.  They have lobbied legislators to change the laws to help.  They have persuaded a tv station to host a show each week in which adoptees share the teensy bit of information they have—what they looked like around the time that they were found, where they supposedly were found, the supposed birth date, etc…. Often, people come forward hoping that they are a birth relative, and reunions occur.  The adoptee organization is also posting notices in postal stations.  So, no adoptive parent should ever say to their child that they will never be able to search and find their birth parents—only that it is difficult or near-impossible now, but that that could change sometime in the future.

    Most adopted kids don’t really understand that they’ve lost a family until they are about six or seven, which is when, cognitively, they understand the concept of consequences.  At first, many to most grieve deeply and intensively, as though the loss just occurred—and their grief is, therefore, acute grief.  As they grow older, they tend to wonder more about why.  Learning about known circumstances helps, but doesn’t not really answer the core question—which is unanswerable.  That is why so many kids ask the same questions over and over. (not all DO ask, though)

    As children move into the tween years, many shift from being sad to being angry—angry at why, out of all the kids in the world, having been separated from their original family happened to THEM.  They dislike it that others view adoption negatively- as their birth parents as their “REAL” parents, and wonder what that means about the authenticity of their adoptive family relationships. They sense that there is a stigma—others pity them for living apart from their “real” parents. Many to most feel angry at their birth parents for putting them in that position, and for not having done whatever it would have taken to have kept them—at the very same time that they are so glad to be living with the family they have and wouldn’t change that for anything. 

  Many begin to avoid thinking about their birth family or adoption status, and to deny that they think about that or have intense feelings about that—sometimes even WITHIN themselves.  Their avoidance and their break-through thoughts can drive behavioral issues, however.  Many benefit from having wise parents disregard their claims that “adoption is no big deal,” when they see significant behavioral changes, and start working with a therapist who has specialized training in adoption.  (most therapists will tell you that they have seen many adoptees in their practice, but that does NOT mean that they have the specialized knowledge and skills to be able to help a young adoptee get at their issues, face them, and learn to live a good life WITH them). 
 
    I am, of course, not speaking for every adoptee.  NO one could!  However, I am describing the most common patterns we, as professionals, see amongst adopted kids.  The more adoptive parents can anticipate how this is likely to unfold for their children, the better prepared they are to see beneath words and behavior to what the core issues most likely are, and to address those adequately so that their children stay psychologically healthy and are able to form and keep attachments. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

What Jane Brown says was what I thought, too, when I read your post:  you really know NOTHING, and so even the “WORST’ details aren’t really known for sure.  There could be all sorts of scenarios—and no doubt your daughter will come up with them as she imagines her story:  she might have had parents who loved her dearly, but who were caught up in political violence and were killed…  They might have left her as they ran off, hoping to divert their pursuers from their beloved baby.  Or she might have been left by a very poor woman, who hid in the bushes nearby, waiting to be sure the baby was taken safely to an orphanage.  Etc.  (It’s the novelist in me that sets me to spinning these tales—but there’s no proof they couldn’t be true, right?!)  I would suggest that when you do tell your daughter of her unknown origins, you keep it short and as sweet as possible:  her parents loved her and left her because they couldn’t take care of her, and they wanted so much for her to be safe.

I am also in the same position.  My daughter was found abandoned and no information about birth parents was provided. I know in China, where my daughter is from, information IS sometimes known, but is purposely kept secret to protect the parents from the consequences.  I don’t know about telling her what you WANT the past to be…“your parents loved you and wanted you to be safe.”  The reality is that you don’t know.  The reality is there are people in the world who don’t want their babies and don’t give a darn if they live or die.  Hard to imagine, but it’s true in the US too: women leaving their babies in garbage cans, etc.  I plan to tell my child what I do know, and as she gets older and asks more questions, give her all the documentation I do have.  I have talked to a few adult adoptees as well and as you can imagine, each one has a different feeling about their birth parents.  A couple don’t want to know ANYTHING and one went to her country of birth to find her birth mother.  She only knew her estimated birth date, town of birth and the orphanage she was held until adopted.  Miraculously, she did find the name and basic story of her birth mom (all VERY different than what her birth parents told her.  They chose to lie to help her feel better about her birth mother.  The told her how much her birth mother wanted her, etc, but she found it was not true at all)  Thus my fear in “making up” a birth story for my child.

I can’t imagine what my daughter will feel as she begins to be curious about where she came from.  I do know that my main job is to support her, continue to love her and not take her desire to connect to her birth family personally.  Other than that, I will keep reading posts, look into options for her to investigate and keep the lines of communication open as best I can without forcing the issue.  I’ll let her lead the way.

Good luck and enjoy being her parent.  We can’t help but worry and think about the questions that are bound to come.  But I try to remember to enjoy right now too, when all my baby wants to do is be held by her mama and play.

I think you’ve gotten some wonderful advice here and in some ways having no information might be better than having only bad information.  As Jane and some others said-you don’t know what exactly happened and her parents might have been acting out of love rather than disinterest or hate. At least it gives your child the opportunity to hope-my children don’t have that option.  They were taken into foster care for extreme neglect and abuse perpetrated by the mother.  While their mother might have loved them she was unable to get past her own demons to provide a safe place for her children to grow up.  My kids are going to have to deal with the fact that the scars on their bodies came from their mother-the one person in their life who is supposed to protect them. So maybe in some ways a lack of information might be a blessing in disguise?

Hi VintageMom and All,

    I hope that you are not going to mind when I say that it is not at all a good idea to tell a child with unknown birth parents that those parents loved her, left her because they couldn’t take care of her, and wanted her to be safe.  Unfortunately, that is a story that we, as adoptive parents make up and tell our children who, while uninformed enough as young children will believe that and repeat it to others, will know NOT to believe that as they get older.  They will come to realize that you have no way of knowing that—that it is make-believe intended to shield them from pain, but still make-believe.  We cannot know that birth parents loved their children, unless we meet and hear that from them or have their words documented in an interview with whomever it is that does the intake interview when they give over the child.  We cannot know that that they hoped that their child would be safe.  Some children are found in places that are decidedly NOT safe to be in, and where they are as likely to be harmed, as they are to be found and taken to an orphanage or foster home.
Birth parents usually have no idea whether or not their child will be offered for adoption or international adoption—most know relatively little about how the child welfare institution works in their country.  This is not common knowledge even here, in the USA. 

    I think it is especially important to know these things, if you are writing fictional accounts of adoption, which I think you are saying is what you do write about. 

    Difficult as it is, we must tell our children that we simply do not have information and wish that we did.  We can tell them honestly that many birth parents who ARE known in the adoption community have been willing to tell their stories.  When they do, they share how difficult their decisions were, or that someone else made the decision regardless of their own thoughts and feeling.  They talk about how much they cared about their babies, grieved after having said goodbye, and remember them always.  They hope that their sons and daughters forgive them for having been unable or ready to raise them.

    I urge families to not buy into the one-size-fits-all stories when their children were adopted from other countries:  i.e. that all of the birth parents were poor, that all who live in China abandoned their children because of the family planning policy (One son or two children—now), or that all baby girls in India are abandoned, etc….  While we may know that MOST children who became available in China had parents who abandoned them because of the family planning policy, China has all of the social problems that every other country has—prostitution, domestic violence, substance/alcohol addiction, criminal behavior, mental illness, etc… which are other reasons why children become available.  We cannot say which children were abandoned for any one of those reasons.  Its just best to give information to the children that those ARE common reasons, and that the most common reason tends to be ____ when we know that for sure.

    In short, when adoptive parents try to soften the blow by telling their child a story that is largely made up, children name that as lies and it interferes with their ability to trust the very people they want most to be able to confide in, when they are grappling with very difficult and confusing feelings.  Honesty—nothing more or less, is what I advocate that we rely upon for guidance as to what to say.

  Please know that if this is not the way you have handled things, your child will accept that you were doing the very best that you could, but have learned that it was perhaps not the best things TO say.  We are all on a very steep learning curve.  The adoption community at-large tends to convey to us that we should say or do thus and such, when sometimes common belief is inadequate or even problematic.  We all learn as we go!

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane, you make very good points indeed!  I certainly don’t advocate lying to a child; I guess if I had a child with Parents Unknown, then I’d want them to know that there are many many reasons people can’t take care of a baby, and that most parents wish their child could be safe and raised by others.  I believe this is true, and I tend to think the best of people until proved otherwise.  But I would never lie and tell my child ‘this is your story,’ when I don’t know.

The books I write are mysteries for kids and teens (American Girl historical mysteries for younger kids, and time travel/ghost stories/novels of suspense for older kids..)  They are not adoption stories—although one, Blackthorn Winter, is a murder mystery set in England, with a protagonist who was adopted at age five.

Thanks for your post!

Hi Again, VintageMom.  Thanks for the clarification.  We think very much alike about birth parents—that the vast majority struggle mightily with the decision, if it is they who make the decision, and care deeply about keeping their child safe. 

  In my work with adopted youngsters, I often have birth mothers who come as volunteers, along with adult adoptees.  They share their personal stories with the children and answer questions honestly and openly.  That helps those youngsters who know little to nothing about their birth parents to understand that although the birth mothers cannot speak for their birth parents, their birth parents are likely to feel similarly and are likely to be thinking regularly of them with hope that they are happy, healthy, and having good lives.  That, more than anything I think parents can say, helps children who may never meet their own birth parents. 

    I think its great that you are a writer, and one who writes for youngsters.  It must have been interesting, indeed, to have created a character who was adopted, and try to think as she would have. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Thanks for the input, everyone. I guess the critical thing to take away from what I’m reading on these discussion lists is first & foremost: always be honest and share what you do know, and ONLY what you know (without the dreamy fairy tale) because kids are smarter, or will become savvier than we think. This is helpful because I have toyed with the idea of using the whole “she left you because she loved you” story before, but I agree with E&JCsMom; - there are people out there who don’t give a bleep if they live or die. I suspect my girl will figure this out too, she’s already one smart cookie.

So, it is a bit tricky for me because what I DO know (maybe I should’ve clarified this) is that this is NOT a case of a social worker covering anything up a la Korea or China - we were living in this particular country at the time and I saw, with my own eyes, the police files and hospital forms where she was brought, etc etc. - literally EVERYTHING that exists in the world regarding her first days. And I do know WHERE she was left (and I can assure you it was certainly not a “Moses” or “Safe Haven” type place where she could easily be found - I don’t want to sound presumptuous on behalf of the BM but, well, it’s clear what the intent was). Which is why this will be a tough one for my daughter to handle, impossible to cover up with whimsy and fairytale, and thus I appreciate all the helpful input on this subject.

We are expats and will probably raise a world traveling daughter, so if she DOES grow curious and need *something* then I have no doubt she will eventually find her way back to “the spot”, since we have no intention of hiding that info from her (when she’s mature enough to grasp this stuff). We even took some photos of the area she was found & the hospital she was taken to, and put them in her baby book, but that’s all we can offer. (I often wonder if that’s macabre or a bad idea, BTW - thoughts?) To clarify, my own personal mantra and philosophy that I’ve personally developed over the last 3 years to be able to find peace for myself, (like JulieC) is simply: “knowing nothing is not so bad - it mean’s you’ve got nothing to hide”, and hopefully she’ll be able to appreciate that too.

“And I do know WHERE she was left (and I can assure you it was certainly not a “Moses” or “Safe Haven” type place where she could easily be found - I don’t want to sound presumptuous on behalf of the BM but, well, it’s clear what the intent was).”

It is quite possible that if your child was found in a field or somewhere out of the way, that the mother gave birth, left her child at that exact spot and ran away out of fear - not wanting to even acknowledge they have given birth.

I can understand how hard it must be to explain to a child that they were in this situation.  Women who abandon babies this way are of a similar mindset to those who perform neonaticide.  Often total denial of pregnancy is the cause of these acts.

You might find this document worth reading:

http://aia.berkeley.edu/media/pdf/discarded_infants_literature_review.pdf

It does give an insight into the mindset of those who perform these acts - here is the conclusion:
“Conclusion:
Discarded infants are a substantial social problem, and a number of factors contribute to the phenomenon. In this paper, we have discussed a specific and unique area of discarded infants: victims of neonaticide. Neonaticide has existed throughout history, though motivations behind the act have evolved, at least to some degree. Unfortunately, the nature of neonaticide makes intervention difficult: women who commit neonaticide usually are socially isolated, they often deny or take action to hide that they are pregnant.  Neonaticidal women are usually young and unmarried, with no pre-existing mental disorders, and are part of a social network that does not provide sufficient emotional support.  Developmental and social dynamics, such as emotional immaturity, social isolation, and pregnancy denial, are usually factors in the act of neonaticide. In all but one of the cases (that of Amy Grossberg) reported in the literature, the women experienced labor and delivery in seclusion.

Responses to the problem have not been met with a great deal of success. Safe haven laws, though rooted in magnanimity, have not proven to be effective because they are not designed in such a way that will affect the decisions and actions of those most likely to discard infants. These laws have also met with much criticism from adoption advocates. Punitive responses, while punishing a woman for her actions, will also not likely affect decisions or events leading to neonaticide. Some scholars have argued that while perpetrators of neonaticide should doubtless be held accountable for their actions, their situations demand therapeutic intervention rather than punishment.

Doctors, teachers, and social service providers are called upon to be alert when women, especially young women, exhibit characteristics putting them at risk of committing neonaticide. Action must be taken both before an unplanned pregnancy occurs and, if such a pregnancy does occur, before labor and delivery. Oberman (1996) suggested that, in the end, preventing neonaticide requires that society somehow reduce the vulnerability that is felt by women who commit this act of desperation.”

The above article is about neonaticide in the US but many of the factors would also be prevalent in many poorer countries. 

Also, as Jane points out:
“We tend to interpret our children’s pre-adoption history through our own cultural lens, and not understand enough of the birth culture and the way that people—especially people who are poor and vulnerable—think and act.”

Btw, I’ve posted this link elsewhere but Malaika Babies home is a home that provides temporary care for abandoned infants age 0-24 months while finding ways to settle them back into the community, either with their mother, their extended families or adoption by Ugandans.  There is extended follow-up as well.

This following video is good because it helps answer the questions that many of you are no doubt thinking:

http://www.childsifoundation.org/blog/2012/01/finding-families/

“One of our supporters from the UK asked us a brilliant question about how we find families for our children. This video from our fabulous social work department hopefully goes some way to explaining the process”

Another link via a blog:

http://rileysinuganda.blogspot.com.au/2012/05/happy-2nd-birthday-malika-babies-home.html

You sound caring and that is a great thing.  We have a child from Africa and what we are told by our child, and what is in the report , at some times differs.  I have come to the conclusion that if i myself did not see what happened prior to our adoption, I will never know. Trying to piece things all together is stressful and I have personally found it unfruitful in our case.

To JJMK:

  I thought I would offer some thoughts for consideration about whether or not to include photos of where your child was supposedly found in her baby book. Its a question that arises often amongst adoptive parents.

    I encourage parents to consider making two different books for their child—one that is OK to be shared publicly, with others.  That’s because SOME children want to take their books to school (usually when they are in early-elementary) by way of having to something to share for those ALL-ABOUT-ME type days that teachers organize. 

    The other book I encourage parents to work on is a life book. (a TRUE lifebook is not simply a baby book with an adoption twist, whereby the adoptive parents tell their version of a child’s story—usually focusing more on how they journeyed to adoption and the happy photos taken after placement). 

      The type of life book that I am thinking of is a looseleaf binder in which the adoptive parents tell part of the story, but in which the CHILD is encouraged to work out his or her telling of their OWN life story, and how they think and feel about that.  The adoptive parents might, for example, start off the life book with a letter to their child’s birth parents (BOTH of them and not just the birth mother. Whether they are known or unknown).  The next page would be entitled MY Letter to MY Birth Parents and left blank until such time that the CHILD writes his/her OWN letter.  As the child matures through different developmental stages, that page could be rewritten again and again.  It becomes a record of how the child thinks and feels at various points throughout his/her childhood.

    In this book, parents will want to write about what they were told regarding the child’s pre-adoption history: that no information is known about the birth parents (if that is the case), where the child was SUPPOSEDLY found (and remember, this is not always truthfully revealed to adopting parents), where and how the child was cared for prior to the adoption.  The less flower-y, magical, and made-up this part of the book is, the better.  One cannot, for example, tell a child that he/she was LOVINGLY cared for by orphanage workers because you were not there.  The orphanage puts on their party-manners when adoptive parents visit, but how they really treat or neglect children, or a specific child, can’t really be known.  (i.e. only if a child is old enough to remember and tell about their lives while in an orphanage can we know for sure, and most kids don’t share that for years.  they feel too un-safe when they talk about that and so, try to bury the memories and deny that they have any).  In other words, give the facts, without attributing attitudes, feelings, etc.. that you cannot, honestly say for sure are real and true.

    Many pages of the book should have headings to help your child tell his/her own story, and reveal to him/herself how that part makes them feel.  Some of the pages can be entitled “lists,” as in: My List of Questions About My Birth Parents.  or, My List of Things Other People Ask Me/Say to Me About Adoption. 

    A life book should be viewed as a work-in-progress.  Its a book for the child to work out his/her own identity development.  The book should be private, not shared with others outside of the immediate family.  Making such a book can help us, as adoptive parents, consider what parts of our child’s pre-adoption history should be kept private, and what parts can be public.  i.e. for a child born and adopted in China, ALL of the children were abandoned, so stating that is not a private part of the story.  However, where the child was SUPPOSEDLY found, and in what condition, and whether or not their was a note left with the child (including its content) is the private part. 

    Adoptive parents can and should create pages for information that contains difficult information, but not put those into the book until such time that they are ready to share that information with their child. For example, this might include information such as: the child was born as a result of rape or incest, the child’s birth parents were addicted to drugs and/or alcohol, the child was removed from his/her parent’s care due to severe neglect, etc….  The purpose of making the pages is to help YOU, as parents, think through how you are going to reveal that part of your child’s history to him/her. 

    If you have a difficult fact to share, you, as parents, will want to nail down the specific words, the portion of that particular truth that you will share when your child is at different ages/stages. How would you tell part or all of that fact when he is five?  when he is 10? when he is 15? and so on. 

    I think it helps to think in terms of whether a fact about your child’s pre-adoption history is sad, or whether it is something that is stigmatized—to determine whether or not to keep back part of the truth, or to make a general statement which you will elaborate on as-you-go.  I agree that it would be unwise to tell a seven-year-old that she was born of incest—not only because she wouldn’t understand what that meant, but also because she would not necessarily know to keep that information private. 

  However, I would NOT wait until a child is a teenager to give such facts, either!  At that life stage, kids are working intensively on identity-building. Waiting to give difficult information till that point says to an adopted child that you thought that info was too toxic because he/she might repeat history OR that you are ashamed of that part of her story (implying that SHE is the shameful product OF that history).  Nor would you want to be telling a young adult/adult whose moved to another state by then, so that you’d be giving difficult information at Thanksgiving and sending them away to process that alone, without you.  OR risk that you will die and they will discover the information on their own.

Jane Brown, MSW

Jane, this is a great idea! I will definitely do this even though I have no idea yet what sort of information I will have about my future child. I love the idea of providing children with a realistic record of their lives. They deserve that. Thank you!

Jane’s suggestion for a life book that the adopted child can work on over time is a great one and I will definitely help my son make a book like that. Thank you.