I think it takes time, especially if you don’t know for sure that everything will come through in the end. It is by no means reflective of the love you would develop for this kid if placed in your care. Good luck!

It took time for me - I think it’s because I held my heart back until I knew she was ours. You know, it’s one thing to hold an infant and say, oh she’s so wonderful and sweet and cute and blah blah blah - I’ve done that for ages with nieces and nephews, but it’s another thing altogether to allow myself to love her as my daughter. I will tell you that it didn’t take long - only a few days after mom signed the TPR and they put her in my arms and said, good luck! as we left the hospital. But I can say with no qualms that I thought DD was pretty amazing when I met her (at 2 hours old) but I didn’t fall in love with her completely until several weeks later, after she was in my home looking for me to feed her, bathe her, cuddle her, and comfort her. Then I knew I’d lay down my life for her. And I would. You will too when it’s your baby. I am sure of it.

I agree! Attachment takes time, especially when there are uncertainties involved. Give yourself a break and breath, it will be perfect

it takes time and I agree that sometimes, even though maybe it shouldnt matter, we hold back waiting until we are told no one is coming to knock on the door and take them away. After so many years of pain and sadness its hard not to. I love our daughter to pieces and would do anything for her. We are bonding more and more each day. She has been in our lives since March and is 16 months old.

It took time for us, and we had a very fast and easy adoption.  I think somewhere in the back of our minds, we think this child could be taken from us and it sets you back a bit.  This is why I wish that the time from placement to finalization was not 6 months long.

I have a biological child and an adopted daughter.  I felt an immediate bond for my biological baby and I was just so upset by that I did not feel that with my adopted (at birth) daughter.  But now it really is all a blur and they are both on equal footing in my heart.  Both of their birth stories are so beautiful and we enjoy telling new friends about them.  One does not trump the other. 

One more thing I’d like to add is that even in families where all kids are biological, the bonding process can vary from child to child.

It does take time. And I agree with other posters that as adoptive parents, we tend to protect our hearts a bit by not getting too excited with a new baby if we’ve already had failed placements.  I found with both my sons adopted from birth that I started to love them right away and found that I was very protective of them.  For example, since we adopted from out of state, both boys were discharged from the hospital and spent a couple of weeks in a hotel with us before we got ICPC permission to travel home.  That forced us to take each baby out to restaurants and stores where we might not be so likely to go if at home with a newborn.  Plus we had to take both of them on an airplane.  I felt a strong need to shield them from prying eyes and germy hands.  But I didn’t feel in my heart necessarily that I loved them more than anything in the world. That takes time.  At some point, after lots of bottles, diaper changes, spit-ups, clean-ups, and midnight feedings, through your exhaustion you will realize that you wouldn’t be doing this if you weren’t bonded.  What really did it for me was sitting up at night with a sick baby, worried and doing whatever I could to comfort them.  It’s those quiet moments in the middle of the night when bonding really happens.  That’s when I realized how much I worried about them and how much I loved them and wanted them to feel better.  You’ll be fine.  Your initial reactions to the baby were great.  Give yourself time without worrying about it and one day you’ll realize that this little person holds a huge piece of your heart.

It takes time.  Right away I wanted to care for and love my daughter but it was awhile for that true attachment to grow for both of us.

Many people mistake a baby’s clinging for attachment.  The minute I drove away with my daughter she switched her allegiance to me and wanted me to do things for her.  She was no doubt scared and even babies know they are vunerable and need care. However it was awhile before she trusted me completly.

I think it is important to realize that it also often takes biological mothers time to bond with their babies. It isn’t always instant. I bonded instantly but I know this is not always the case- that being said, I think it took a few weeks for our baby girl to feel bonded to me. Bonding often takes time- it is about building trust and love and it is important to be patient and sometimes the person you need to be the most patient with is yourself.

When we left the hospital with our daughter and went back to the hotel it was like we were baby sitting at first! Here we was with this beautiful baby and it hadn’t hit me yet that I was a mother! It wasn’t until several days later we were out and about in the big city (we are from a very small town and traveled across the US to get our daughter) and a homeless women approached me and reached out to hold my daughter I freaked out. Shes MINE you can’t hold her! I was fearful for her because this lady wouldn’t leave us alone for a couple min ago and kept trying to touch her and it was then that I became momma bear!!!

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Mandy J. Campbell
Mandy is a freelance writer, editor and adoptive mother. Recognized as one of the youngest adoptive mothers in the US, Mandy provides support throughout the adoption community via blogging and other means of social networking.

I really believe there’s no absolute right or wrong way to do practically anything, whether it’s bond with your adoptive or pre-adoptive or biological baby, make your way through the adoption process, etc..  I admire your putting your authentic feelings out there and getting some support.  I thought for sure I would feel pure happiness when I held our daughter for the first time, but honestly, rounding the corner at the hospital and seeing her all alone at the nurses’ station at five hours old I felt so sad for her and shed some tears the first time she was in my arms… I think the best we can do for our children [adoptive or biological] is try to be honest with ourselves, with them at developmentally appropriate stages, and embrace the entirety of this complex situation… Best of luck to you and yours!

It’s very common for attachment to take a little while whether you have adopted or gave birth to your child.  When we brought our daughter home from the hospital I kept feeling like I was babysitting and waiting for the “real” parents to come to pick her up at the end of a trip.  It finally clicked for me that I was her mom at about 4 weeks when I took her in for a well baby check up and we were in a groove at home. At that point I felt like I would be heartbroken if someone told me that she couldn’t live with us anymore.  Then I knew I was attached.

I did feel an immediate attachment to our daughter, however, I have found that many biological mothers sometimes do not feel this attachment.  Do not worry…I think this is normal! 

I had very different bonding experiences with all three of my children. My first daughter was a newborn adoption and it was a suprise call from the hospital. We were holding her 3 hours later. I felt and instant connection and bond and felt like her mom from the first time I saw her. My second daughter was a toddler from Russia and I felt an immediate desire to protect her and hold her. She clung to me and I clung to her. It took her and my husband longer to bond. About 1 year. With our son, I had the most difficulty feeling a connection with him, which suprised me as he was our 3rd adoption. I thought, been there done this, but it took me longer to feel like his mom. His was our first open adoption where we actually met and had a relationship (and still do) with his BMom. I think I had a more difficult time for 2 reasons. One was the connection we had to his BMom and the sadness I felt for her and the other reason was that he was a boy and I didn’t quite know what to do with a boy!  After about 6 weeks, I finally felt like his mom, but that didn’t stop me from loving and caring for him as I did my girls for those first 6 weeks. Now he is 2 & 1/2 and I couldn’t imagine not having him!
So as someone else stated, it is different with each child, and sometimes it is instant and other times it just takes time.

I agree with everyone’s comments. Each person is different. My desire to care and protect my twin girls was there from the beginning. Our situation is a little different from most, but I followed the bio mom on Facebook and prayed for these girls from the time I knew she was pregnant. She is a distant relative. They came home to us at 4.5 months and have been true joys to have in our family. It did take some time for them to bond with us as well. I think we all started to feel pretty comfortable and well on our way to bonding around 3-4 weeks. Their adoption will hopefully be final in August or September, and I can’t wait for the feeling of them actually being legally our children. We received their placement in Feb. With that being said, please keep in mind that bio parents have 9 months to form a bond with their children before even seeing them. I think that is what made it instant with my bio boys. I had already bonded, watched, and felt them grow for 9 months. The birth was being able to finally meet.

I think an ‘undeniable instant attachment’ is an unrealistic expectation. Attachment, if it even happens, can take a long time.

Adoption is not a beautiful birth story to anyone but the adoptive parents.  To the birth mother and adoptee it is a time of significant loss and grief.

Agree with Mel123. 

We were told, by our agency, not to expect our child to bond with us until she was twice the age from when we got her.  This was helpful advice, so that we would not feel badly if she was rather remote toward us for awhile.  Fortunately, she bonded much sooner.  She was 8 months old & now is a lovely 14 year old—well bonded to us.

Friends of ours got their daughter at 2 1./2 years old & at 16 she has never bonded to them, despite all of their efforts. 

The age of the child seems to have somewhat to do with bonding, from what we have observed.  The younger the child is, maybe is less in their past to have bonded to already—just an idea….

I was placed at 12 days and never bonded to my adoptive parents in a true sense.

I have one bio child and one adopted child.  I didn’t bond with either one of them immediately.  I felt truly “in love” with each of them at about 6 weeks.

EST, I agree with you- there is a tremendous amount of grief in adoption. People who say that newborns don’t grieve are wrong! They do…They go through pain and separation from their birth mother- who was their only mother for 9 months…It takes time to bond and in some cases it might not happen or might not happen to the full extent that an adoptive parent might hope for…but my thought is that if one adopts then you must open yourself up to love a child who may not fully connect with you…I think that parenting is about unconditional love so the love cannot be conditional upon a child’s response- not that I think anyone has suggested such a thing- I am just thinking about something I had decided upon in the beginning when I was utterly in love with my daughter and I saw that she was not trusting of me yet…I decided that I would surround her with love, hope she loved me back eventually but deal with whatever came and accept and love her- period… We are bonded like crazy glue now and she is a total daddy’s girl…but it took some time for her and that is COMPLETELY understandable to say the least…It is important to realize that while I felt like a mother instantly- I was really just a stranger to her. (I am tired and hope this makes sense and doesn’t offend anyone- I am just trying to reflect on my own experience)

EST our birthfamily would whole heartedly disagree.

There’s a huge difference between bonding and clinging which isn’t obvious. It’s like the difference between swimming and drowning. A big danger to a rescuer is that one who is drowning will cling to their rescuer so tightly that they can’t swim and both drown.

From wiki:Recognising drowning

To an untrained observer, it may not be obvious the drowning person is in distress - they may appear to be swimming safely when they are within 20–60 seconds of sinking under the surface. This is because the victim would generally show no visible panic in their movements, because at this point they are incapable of making other gestures or calling for help.

Thank you to everyone! All of your responses have been wonderful and very helpful.  I do believe the greatest source of information and support is from those of you that have been through this.

Time.  Not instant.  At least not for me.  I don’t think it necessarily goes according to the age of the child either, I think a lot of other influences come into play.

I would say right now four of our five children who were adopted are bonded with us, and with other family members.

The fifth one is working on issues and still grieving, he has only been home since last September.

I bonded very quickly and easily (about six months’ time) with our daughter who was adopted at the age of 8.  On the other hand, our son who was adopted at the age of 4 1/2 it took me over three years to feel like he and I shared a bond.  I love all of our children equally though in different ways, though the bonding process has been unique to each child.

I totally agree, there is a huge difference between bonding and clinging.  Little ones tend to cling to who they think will take care of them.  In my opinion, that is not being bonded within an emotional relationship.  That is meeting physical needs alone.

Bonding isn’t instant.  Feelings of love (alot of the time) are definitely not instant.  It can take a long time, even years.

In closing, I’ll just stress I don’t think it has a lot to do with age and I know a lot of professionals disagree with that, but it’s just from what I’ve seen in our own family and with some of our friends who adopted.

I forgot to mention in my previous post that there are other ways to facilitate bonding if this baby is placed with you for adoption.  Wearing the baby as much as possible is great for the baby and for mom or dad.  I recommend Baby Bjorn or Ergo baby carriers.  They are a bit expensive but you might be able to find one second hand. 

http://www.babybjorn.com/us/products/baby-carriers/baby-carrier-original/classic/

If the baby is older, try wearing the baby in a sling such as this one. 

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Sling-EZee-Baby-Sling-in-Azure/14066110

Also, if this is a young infant, a Moby Wrap is excellent.  You can find them at Babies R Us.  It’s a long piece of cloth that you wrap around you in such a way that the baby is securely held against your chest.  It’s really great if you want to do kangaroo care (skin to skin) which also helps to facilitate bonding. 

http://www.mobywrap.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kangaroo_care

The more you can wear the baby, the better.  I wore my younger son a lot for the first three months.  He was born seven weeks premature.  From very early on many people commented on how he would turn towards me as soon as he heard my voice or saw me if someone else was holding him.  Everyone said the same thing.  “He definitely knows who Mommy is”.  I think it was wearing him as much as possible that really helped him bond to me and also helped me bond with him. 

One other thought is that you might want to keep the baby as close to you at night as you feel comfortable so that you are right there to comfort them when the baby cries.  There are co-sleepers that hook up to the side of your bed and also bed sleepers that lie on your bed but keep baby safe.  Responding to his cries fairly quickly and consistently will help the baby start to trust you.

This is an example of a co-sleeper that hooks up next to your bed as well as an example of one that goes on the bed with you.

http://www.walmart.com/ip/Arm-s-Reach-Clearvue-Co-sleeper-Natural/10898576

http://www.walmart.com/catalog/product.do?product_id=3205748&findingMethod=rr

Both my boys were adopted as newborns and I share a strong bond with both of them, as does my husband.  I have no doubt they are bonded with me.  Their 1000 kilowatt smiles that they flash as they run to me when when I pick them up from day care attests to that.  And I am completely head over heels for them.  Nothing else matters in this world to me except my sons and my husband.  Nothing.

Here is what I mean- that you should be prepared for these things and not think your case will be the one that is different. 

I am pretty sure most bio families would tell the adoptive families they are fine.  If they truly are good for them.

My bio mom while she did do the right thing and knows she did the right thing and I agree- she still lived in sadness her entire life wondering how I was, where I was, if I was okay and all of the other what if’s… what if she had been in a better situation= what if she had figured out how to make it work… I wonder all of these things to.  So in my situation while I do believe she made the right choice- I still experienced pain and confusion and all of those other emotions as did she.

There is this myth about “bonding”.  Bonding is a process that occurs over time as the infant learns that this person or people are going to respond to his/her needs, keeping the infant fed, warm, dry, and comforted.  It is not “instant”.  Many biological parents will tell you the same thing, that their love for their child evolved over time. 

EST, I am sorry about your experience.  Yes, adoption is more complicated and there is pain and loss for the birthmother and the adoptee.  Our adoptions are semi-open (by birthmothers’ decision), so although we do not visit the birth family, they receive pictures, letters and updates.  I hope that this will help them see that these children are healthy, happy and loved, and help them both feel at peace with their decision.  We brought both of our children home from the hospital at birth, when they are old enough to have the conversation I hope they will feel as completely bonded with us as we feel with them.

I don’t know what either of their birthmothers would have done if the situation had been even slightly different, but I know they each acted in the manner they felt was best for that child at that time.  This is the act of a loving parent, and I always speak to my children about their birthparents in a loving and respectful way.

I guess I am just stuck on the term beautiful birth story.  I do not see breaking the child/mother bond as beautiful I see it as tragic- even if it is necessary.

These types of sayings confuse a child and even an adult.  Your birthmother loved you so much she gave you to us to raise. 

This sentence equates love with leaving.  I really do not get all warm and fuzzy inside when people leave me because they love me so much.

I have lived my whole life thinking that people who I loved would eventually leave me…  That I was not good enough for people to stay.  I do this in friendships, romantic relationships and even in the work environment.  It is quite unfortunate.

Right with you EST! I never formed a bond to my aparents. Left home as much as possible, spent summers at cadet camp or anywhere other than where they were, could not wait to get out. I never knew what homesickness was until I met my mother and spent a week in the company of her, my uncles and my brother and sister. When my brother and mom dropped me off at the airport, I couldn’t turn back to wave a last goodbye cause I started to cry profusely and didn’t stop for close to an hour. At 33 I had just discovered what homesickness was. I then realized I’d always been feeling it at a low constant level for my entire life.

I’m single and plan to remain this way. I still don’t ever feel safe in relationships and it’s far too much stress when they fall apart. Better to have never loved than to try and to lose repeatedly.

Scott,
I am sorry you feel likr that. my husband of 33 years passed away last year and every sorrow, grief, etc I fel I also feel I was so lucky to have him. His love was worth the price of the grief I now feel.

Would you say it would have been better to never meet your birth family because some day you will lose them?

I am sorry you are so sad.

Yes- I have been single for 5 years after a failed marriage… I just can’t do the trusting people and the hurt and anxiety involved for me… I try though I really do…

When you tell a child that their MOTHER gave them away- LEFT them because she loved them - the very foundation- that most people are accustomed to having - is not there.  It is like trying to build a life on sand not stone.

It definitely took us time with our second adopted child. He had been with his family for a few weeks and even in that short time I felt that he was very resistant to us. He also had GERD and was a fussy baby. With medicine and time, we eventually bonded. He was not a very affectionate baby but he is almost 2 and is a very loving little guy now.

For me, it definitely took awhile.  I can’t pinpoint the exact moment where I felt like mom, but I feel like it was probably somwhere between 6-8 weeks, honestly.  Our son was about 3 months old when he came home, and had been in a care situation where multiple people cared for him, so initially, he’d kind of go to whoever, so it took him a while too before he developed an attachment to myself and my husband.  He’s a toddler now, and there is definitely no question about us being mom and dad!  (Although he’s a bit more attached to mom right now!)

EST and Scott…I’m very sorry that neither of you felt like you had a correct attachment to your families.  I’m not sure that’s what the OP was really looking for here, although it is a good thing to keep in mind.  However, for what it’s worth…I know multiple adopted adults who have always felt like they fit in with their adoptive families and do not feel incomplete.  (This includes a friend of mine who is in contact with her birth family, to whom she feels no great attachment to.)  I also have friends born and raised in bio families who have and still don’t feel like they fit in with their families.  I also have friends who’ve struggled their whole lives because they were raised in a family that didn’t really have the stability to take care of them.  I guess my point is that it’s luck of the draws, and all any of us can do is the best we can with what life gives us.  I mean, it’s not like my husband and I asked to be infertile either, although I am unbelievably glad that we are, ironically enough, because my son is a treasure and we feel so lucky to be able to raise such a wondeful human being.

We adopted our son Isaac at 2 days old.

We then, surprisingly, went on to have two biological children.

It took me about 6 weeks with all three of my children to feel an attachment—biological AND adopted—it just took time.

I know many biological parents who will tell you that the bonding was not instantaeous. For some people it is, but for some it isn’t.

My husband on the other hand bonded INSTANTLY with our ADOPTED son but it took him close to 3-6 months to bond with our biological son.

Even today, I have days/weeks that I feel very bonded with one of my children and not that much with another due to behavior, activities, fatigue etc.

I would be shocked if you felt an instant attachment. You should not worry about this AT ALL—unless there was a reason to not proceed with this particular child (medical, cost, etc.) I would move forward as if this was a child of your womb.

We brought our son home at age seven months.  He was cute and fun to play with in the beginning, even though we were exhausted just by the day-to-day care of an infant.  It wasn’t until a couple of months that we were really attached with him, and he to us.

One thing that helped me was to remind myself that most of us don’t meet and fall in love with our spouses and marry them all in the same day, so why would we with our child(ren)?  My sister has two biological children and it was a few weeks before she was really bonded with them, so I think what you are feeling is very normal.

Just enjoy your baby right now and don’t stress about a lack of intimate bonding.  It’ll come.

Give yourself permission to be in the moment and not expect anything different.  The attachment will grow!

My bond to my daughter was instant and undeniable from the moment I held her. My spouse’s was not. A wise person once told me that you can not choose the way you feel about something but you can choose how you react. In a short time we were each as bonded to her as the other and continue to be now,  7 years later.

I

Mels, This is completely shutting down the adoptee voice and really ridiculous.  Of course you know people who are fine- and of course they tell YOU this- an adoptive mother.  I tell adoptive parents that I know I am fine to- shoot I have two friends who are birth mothers and one of them is MY BEST FRIEND and I am not even honest with her about my true feelings about adoption as I do not want to cause her any pain.

Love isn’t instant. Think of a boyfriend. Usually not love his first sight. . I felt no instant connection with my adopted twins or my firstborn. It will come in time.  When you adopt in first meet the baby it’s sort of like needing a stranger. They don’t know you and you don’t know them. Even with a bio baby, baby has heard your voice but you don’t know her little personality.
I’m sure part of it for you was also you were anxious or nervous. 💜

So, EST and I are just freaks, are we? You know dozens of happy adopted people and we are just an aberration? I know dozens of APs personally that I consider narcissists - would others here appreciate it if I posted a list of them every time someone said they wanted to help a child???  There’s 5 whole adoptees who post here. Out of the 55, most are actually PAPs or students writing term papers. The only birthmother who would has been booted. This site is extremely AP-centric and if the few who have a different experience with adoption leave, you’ll all have to make do with your own opinions and in ten or twenty years, when your children have questions, you’ll only be able to give them lies and platitudes. Good luck. My adopters have not seen me or spoken to me for the last decade, my choice. No matter how much they want ‘their son’, he is gone and no longer exists.  I want nothing to do with them. The wise are able to learn from the mistakes of others, the stupid are forced to repeat them. If this is the adoption outcome you are hoping for, simply carry on.

Keep up exactly what you are doing, we’ll be reading your kid’s posts on the adoptee sites soon and I’m sure they’ll listen.

@Regina. No, it isn’t the same. I didn’t search for my family because I was looking for love. I searched because I NEEDED answers, the truth, to know. I was incredibly lucky and found the love I needed to heal. I have also found the courage to speak up, in the hope that others don’t have to endure what I have. I actually say it would have been better to never meet my adoptive family. I feel no loss over their absence in my life. 10 years now, with the exception of my adoptive brother, I still do not miss them.

I think most adoptees need and deserve answers. I am glad you found the love you needed.

I adopted my daughter when she was 5 years old and now she is 16.  Attachment is definitely a process and it takes effort like many of the above folks have said.  I told my daughter from the very beginning that I loved her whether she loved me back or not and that would never change.  I believe that this is very important for her to know that my love for her is not dependent on her actions or feelings.  Isn’t that what parenting is about?

ScottK and EST,

I’m new to this site and haven’t read many of these discussions but I am touched by your stories. I am very sorry to read about such pain and do appreciate your being open about it. Would either of you be willing to share some advice based on your experience? Do you think your adoptive families could have done (or not done) anything differently that would have changed the outcome? It is helpful to read about all the experiences of adoptive parents but it really resonated with me how important the is voice of adoptees here. Thanks.

PS - Scott, what is a “PAP”?

We adopted internationally and met our daughter when we picked her up in Guatemala to bring her home. She was so amazing, and I too felt immense awe at this little child that I was supposed to bring home. However, there was no attachment. I would say she attached to me much sooner than I attached to her. Honestly, it has taken me several years to give up my heart. She is 5 now and the attachment is strong and sure. For a long time I felt incredible guilt and self doubt that I did not immediately attach to this beautiful child. Now I just look forward to the rest of my life with her.

No EST, I do KNOW how our birthfamily feels. They could not keep this child without significant consequences.  They were losing their home and birthfather was having major legal troubles.  They were RELIEVED to find us, a family they considered an excellent match. 

During the whole placement they kept thanking us for helping them out.  They even cooked us a steak dinner after our first court date.  Of course we are the ones who should be thankful. 

Also, you have hijacked yet another post.  You do this a lot.

It is important for everyone to realize that adoption stories vary GREATLY.  Just because you have some personal experience you are not an expert on how everyone feels.

Genevieve’smom, no doubt the relationship you and your child’s bmom is a like silver lining to them but the actual story itself is still one of sadness and loss.  Even with the “happiest” bmoms, their “happiness” is usually because of the fact that they feel they have chosen a good family for their child but that doesn’t mean that they don’t wish things could have been different.  Incidentally, I hope that the FIRST line of counselling your child’s bfamily received was coounselling re their issues (i.e. their impending home loss and legal issues) so that they could get resources and support to improve those situations first so that they were in the best place they could possibly be, BEFORE discussing parenting/adoption options re their unborn daughter.

In regards to bonding, I felt secure enough to know that my parents would be OK about my searching for bfamily if that is what I so wished.  To me, any aparents who feel angry, betrayed and devastated by their child deciding to seach aren’t as bonded as they like to think they are.  I think I would have felt betrayed by my APs if they had made a major fuss over wanting to search as I would feel that their love was conditional on my feeling I was theirs and theirs only, i.e. I would feel like a possession.

Hello All-

I agree that bonding takes time. Don’t be hard on yourself. Hopefully you’ll learn to love each other.

Sorry to hear about the experiences of the two adoptees. I have heard stories like this from adopted friends. I’ve also heard adopted friends say they have no interest in looking up their birth parents, and are totally bonded with their a-parents, which honestly sort of surprised me (for me, I’d HAVE to know about my b-parents)

Our experience has been quite different and I thought might offer an interesting counterpoint. After a miserable ten-year struggle with infertility, we decided to look into adoption.

The more we read about legal, ethical, and moral issues involved, particularly with overseas adoptions, the more we hesitated about infant/toddler adoption.

We decided to adopt an older child from foster care, because we wanted the child to be old enough to have a say in the process. Ideally, we hoped to be choosing one another.

We ended up with a 13 year old foster daughter. Her old school tutor recruited us, not the State - he wanted her placed in the right family.

We understood from the start we could never adopt her, just foster her.

We thought she was such a great kid we decided to give her a home for as long as she wanted one with us.

At first she really seemed to miss her birth family, and often seemed to want to return to them.

Two years later the picture couldn’t be more different. The more that she loves and trusts us, and the safer and more secure she feels in our home, the more she has started to let down her defenses and honestly examine her past life.

She’s actually suffered unbelievable amount of trauma, neglect, and abuse. She’s been diagnosed Complex PTSD and nightmare disorder. Every night for the last four month’s she’s had nightmares - either about past trauma memories or fears she’ll somehow lose us as her family.

Her worst nightmare - literally - is that we give her back to her mom.

She likes to sit in my lap and stare up into my face like a little baby (it’s apparently common for children who have lived through trauma to regress to much younger states while healing). She wants me to wash her face and tuck her in at night.

Why? because it’s all new to her.

She clings to me and says “Promise me you’ll always love me, promise me I’ll never have to go back there.”

She wants us to adopt her and change her name to ours.

She wants us to fight to terminate her mother’s parental rights. We are really kind of stunned at the depth of her attachment to us and the ferocity of her determination.

She says, “We’re a family in our hearts no matter what, but I want the world to know, too. I want everyone to recognize you as my mom and dad. I want my (birth) mom to understand that you are every bit as important to me as she is, and you are my parents now.” She wants to go before the judge and state her own case - she asked me to buy her a business suit for the occasion!

Maybe it depends on the sort of experience you have with your birth parents vs. your adoptive parents?

I suppose if your birth parents were people who were kind-hearted and basically had their acts together, it would be very different from growing up with abusive birth parents whose dysfunction you eventually grow to reject.

Hi Tallgirl, I’m an adoptee too.

“Sorry to hear about the experiences of the two adoptees. I have heard stories like this from adopted friends. I’ve also heard adopted friends say they have no interest in looking up their birth parents, and are totally bonded with their a-parents, which honestly sort of surprised me (for me, I’d HAVE to know about my b-parents)”
You will also hear adopted people who are bonded with their APs who do want to look up their bparents and you will also hear of adopted people who feel no bond with their APs who have no wish to look up their bparents.  The wish to to know about bparents has nothing to do with the bond or lack of bond one has with their aparents - it is a separate issue.  As you say yourself, you feel that you would want to know about your bparents if you were adopted, presumably because you have a curious nature, and you would no doubt feel the same way whatever the situation was with your parents. 
Also, there are many reasons why adoptees don’t search - I can totally understand any adoptee that doesn’t want to reunite.  Many adoptees have no wish to search because they don’t want to disturb the equilibrium of their life; others work on the basis that if they ignore the fact that they have bparents, they can pretend they don’t exist; others have been told their stories in such a way that they think their bparents just didn’t give a stuff so they don’t want anything to do with them; others worry that if they search that their APs will be angry with them and are scared of testing the bond; and others are just plain scared of what they might find.  I think most of us adoptees who have searched can definitely agree with that feeling of being scared lol.  Often adoptees can feel all of the above or none of the above at various times in their life.  Reunion isn’t for the fainthearted because there will be a lot of emotions involved. 
All I feel is that as long as my fellow adoptee considers their bparents to be humanoids of some sort and not think of them as merely as body parts, reproductive organs, gamete donors, vessels, means to an end, breeders for others, gestational carriers etc, then I personally couldn’t care less if they want to meet their bparents or not.
“Maybe it depends on the sort of experience you have with your birth parents vs. your adoptive parents?”
You will find that foster care and domestic infant adoption are very different.  I can understand that your daughter would feel the way she does given the abuse she has gone through. 
I am an adoptee from the 60s, so my bmom was a typical unmarried mother who had very few options and no support and what counselling she did receive would have been geared towards encouraging separation from her child - that is just the way society was back then.  I have a really lovely extended bfamily.  Sadly, my bmom died young and so I never go to meet her but by all accounts she was a lovely lady.  Having a great bfamily and great afamily should make things easier but in some ways it can be quite hard because you realise what you have missed out on.  I don’t dwell on those things but it does mean that I can’t really say that growing up in my adoptive family was “a better life”, it was a “different life”.

For me, true bonding didn’t happen quickly, even though we brought our beautiful son home at birth.  I think it’s different for everyone and we all should fight hard against “shoulding” ourselves and the process.  It’s tough for everyone involved.  All involved have hurt, loss and grief.  No one is exempt…
HOWEVER, I challenge everyone involved to not get stuck in the grief, hurt and loss.  Get help!!  I DO NOT want to live in the bondage of this loss-loss of infertility, fear of not bonding to my awesome son the way my heart aches to.  Is it hard to get help, do the work to move through this?  OF COURSE it is.  In order to heal, am I pretending that none of this ever happened-of course not. 

My son is now 5 years-old and true healing is occuring.  Can I speak for him-no.  But let me tell you one thing, I will go after his heart with all I have, just as I’ve been trying to get healing for me own.  I will not give up.  I give him the freedom to speak his fears, his hurts, etc…even if it hurts my heart.  That’s the only way we can get through it. 

“hopingforfour”-In my experience, no one can answer this question for you.  That’s what stinks about it:)  Every parent and child are different.  Sometimes, I still wonder if I’ve bonded with my son the same as if I would with a child I was pregnant with.  The answer-NO ONE can tell me that.  They are not me and they are not my son.  I can only do what is right for us and fight for us.  It’s worth it:)

Scott and EST-sorry you have suffered a lot of pain. Thanks for being honest.  Don’t think I haven’t feared my son’s reaction to his adoption when he gets older.  I’m sure it’s on most parent’s minds-most of the time.  We can only do what we can do.  I grew up with my biological parents, but still experienced trauma.  Did this trauma suck-yes!  BUT, I am choosing help now.  I no longer want it to dominate my life.  I no longer want those resentments to rule me.  Is it easy-hell no.  Is the work worth it-YES!  Keep fighting for yourself.  I pray for peace for you both.

thank you.  Here is the thing- I live a pretty full life , raise two kids and work.  I am happy most of the time as is anyone.  You see what we put here and think that we are these unhappy angry people which most of the time we are not.  We post on boards like this to give a voice to our experiences with hopes that it will help you and your children in ways our own parents thru lack of information and “lack of a adoptee voice” did not have.

I am quite a normal lady I just happen to also be an adoptee who feels that my story and my truth has some value for todays adoptive parents and adoptees.  I wish my parents had had the ability to click on line and ask questions and see what other adoptive parents and their kids were experiencing what adult adoptees had to say etc.

I don’t know if they would have since at that time- they were told that I was a blank slate and it alarmed them once I developed my own personality that was so unlike theirs- they felt they had failed. 

I have a cousin who was also adopted out of my biological family and have begun corresponding with his adoptive mother- ( he is 36) and she is much more open then my own adoptive mother and it has been very eye opening for both of us.  He is a lot like me and we definently are way more Nature then nurture.  It is interesting to hear her share her thoughts and feelings since he is now a adult.
Anyhow- we do not need prayers for peace really- just to be heard and believed and maybe the thought that what was done to us would not be done to the next generation of adoptees.

I’ve adopted three children and did not feel an instant attachment to any of them.  How could I feel attached to a stranger?  Unless you fell in love with your spouse at first sight, or met someone and knew instantly that he/she would be your BFF for life, then I wouldn’t worry at all about not feeling “this is my son!” the moment you met him.  Love grows through the daily care of your child and the experiences you share.  Best of luck!

It’s nice to see that so many people felt as I did, when I saw my child for the first time.  It wasn’t instant love.  And for a long time I thought I wasn’t normal, because you read so many stories about people who fell in love instantly with a photograph, who knew immediately that the child in the referral video was the perfect one for them.  It takes time.  For us it also meant doing our research re: medical history so that we felt comfortable with our decision to adopt.  Take your time, & in time the love will be there.

@ Cate12 - Potential (or Prospective) Adoptive Parents.
Sorry for not replying sooner.