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Kinship Adoption

Bm wants a visit but she's not appropriate....


Despite my better judgement I have talked to bm.(She is a bipolar drug addict)I tell her about ds n ask how her two kids are.Well this worked for a little while keeping it brief.Then she got on my messenger messaging n randomly calling n started Tryin to start arguments with me n whole family n my toddler overheard some of it.Well I’m livid about that right now! Also it reiterates to me she’s just innapropriate to meet up with if she can’t control herself for 5 dang minutes! I mean really!.She is mad her biofam won’t do holidays with her of which I have absolutely no control.sigh.I know she has mental illness but how hard is it to understand we don’t discuss grown-up things round a 4yo!smh!It’s so frustrating!! I truly just wanna say,So bm,yoube proven you can’t act right in a short call but you think I’m gonna expose my kid to you in public where I’m stuck with whatever you say n however you n ur idiot man acts,ummm noo!!!Grrr!! And while we’re on the subject my kid is special needs and a hand full at all times,adhd,spd,ied,odd,n ocd,Because of your lifestyle so since you don’t like to hear the truth about ur actions I really don’t think u wanna see him or could handle what he goes thru on a daily basis,anyway!!!

Replies

Do what you think is best, you’re the mom.

Posted by C3 on Aug 24, 2017 at 2:18am

Yeah I just needed to vent.I have once again blocked her for my sanity.lol..She has my hubs number but doesn’t use it.lol.Im so mad!I did tell her i didnt appreciate her drama this time too.If I get past this I’ve got half a mind to take n let him visit somewhere just so she can see how much she screwed him over.She will probably leave in thirty minutes,just like she did when he was a baby,or sooner bc she can’t handle it.Because I want her to know what she did!He has all these disorders n possibly autistic bc of her choosing drugs,n she hasn’t changed,her daughter was born addicted n nearly died in the nicu!!Makes me sick!!

Posted by birds nest on Aug 24, 2017 at 2:33am

I don’t let the bio parents visit either. They are both nuts and I create a stress free safe environment for my kids. Doesn’t bother me one bit, I sleep just fine. My family used to try and guilt me into letting my drugged out cousin see the kids, but I stuck to my guns and now no one mentions it anymore. She is never sober. I sometimes take some flack from other adoptive Moms about that decision, but I like my kids living in a protective bubble until they are older and I have to give them the hard truths. Blessings!

Posted by AzureNC on Aug 24, 2017 at 1:04pm

You won’t catch any flack from me I totally get it! I feel like bm is always playing the victim n just so tired of Dealin with it.Incidently,I have never told her she flat out couldn’t see him just let her know,she has be sober n appropriate,she hasn’t chosen to do that for yrs. My address,email,or number hasn’t changed,i never have even one of hers.So I think the facts will speak for themselves when he’s older.

Posted by birds nest on Sep 15, 2017 at 5:46pm

Ok, so thank God I found this post. I have struggled now with guilt, cried rivers over it, even pushed myself away sometimes bc I felt so guilty about cutting things off completely with birth mother and father. It’s not a legally binding agreement (the promise of contact). Long story short, I’ll try my best. We agreed to open adoption. During pregnancy, BM and I texted novels hours got really close. The convo ALWAYS ended in her asking for money and threatening to cancel with agency. We contacted consultant, agency every time and told her what they said. Told her I’m so sorry, we’re barely making this 70k adoption work, and I can’t legally give her secret money. She went into labor, we had 30 min to pack, for what we didn’t know would be a 32 day NICU stay for seizure activity. We were told we could bring a gift to the hospital after delivery. I knew she was homeless, but I really stuck to stuff I’d want you know. I knew she liked pink and black together. I put together this big pink and black decorated paper basket with manicure, pedicure, Sephora goddess bags of like smell good personal care items along with a huge dinner of what she requested from a restaurant. My heart pounding, after diving 8 hours non stop with no sleep, I waited patiently just as nervous to meet her with her gifts praying she liked me. The consultant said, “she doesn’t wanna come out.” She texted me. I told her it’s totally ok, I understand, do what you need to, I’m here for you. Our son was in NICU, and staff couldn’t tell us why. We weren’t allowed to see him either. I told the consultant, will you give her this basket and dinner? She said are you sure? You don’t wanna try tomorrow?  I said, “no, I bought it for her. It’s things she has told me she likes. It’s hers. I want her to have it no matter what happens.”  As we left, she texted me stop being so cool, I can’t justify my behavior lol. I told her it’s ok. I’m ok. We’re here for you. The next morning, when we got to hospital, consultant said we could come in now bc she wanted to have left before we arrived. Idk how to explain it, I was heartbroken. I know I know I know, it’s not about me and all, but I really felt like I’d been dumped or something. I’d gone from not even talking about open adoption, to loving this girl. Then… I got his baby bracelet put on my wrist, did my hand scrub, and walked into the room for the most moving emotional event of my life. I picked him up and said, “hello son, I’ve missed you.” Then I cried over every inch of his sweet soft baby self as I loved on him ... for 32 days, I held that baby in the NICU through every almost seizure. I talked to him about God, his new family, sang him songs, and even felt guilty to even have him. Then they told me 10 days after delivery she was arrested again. Never heard from her again until one year visit. She changed location from public supervised beach by the agency to a restaurant. Agency said call then if anything is out of control. She brought some guy who didn’t have a shirt on and kept passing out at the table. Then, he went outside and later cops came bc restaurant reported them for loitering after we ate. She has been arrested for about 8 felonies since then where they said she had several needles, heroin, bags, other people’s credit cards, and a box with not drugs written on it. I recognized some of the bags in the charging offense from her gift… made me cry. We shared a Facebook and she started having profile pics holding knives, scary clowns, and then (I’m assuming from their pic and knowing what meth does to you) friend Requests from people to the private FB page!  At the lunch, she told me how at peace she was about and never felt any connection to him. Then, posted a got a GO FUND ME account on FB saying the adoption has left her homeless and jobless severely depressed. Her friend even commented, “keep it real.”  I balled crying she posted that and had to leave work.  We cut off all contact whatsoever. Our son goes through my purse or diaper bag all the time, I can’t have that at the table at lunch with the BM. I thought, wasn’t the point not to expose him to all this??? I asked agency, “why do y’all have to notify me every time she’s arrested for another felony every 3 months?” They said, “bc you’ll have to open a PO Box, Mail her polaroids with marker written on them with very specific instructions. I said and visit her in prison? They said possibly. I said no…. no, we’re done here.  I still feel guilty, obviously, but I just CANNOT fathom meeting her for lunch, then our son being 10 and asking why is she shaking? Why are police here?  No, I’m not doing that. People can say whatever they want me, but no one should ask a mother to bring her infant into a state prison with Polaroid’s of him. I’m done

Posted by Daisygirl1982 on Feb 20, 2020 at 2:47am

What about supervised visits? That she can have if she is sober—she’s going to be bipolar no matter what, that’s something she can’t change. (Being a drug addict probably wasn’t her first choice in life either, but you can insist she be sober for a visit, and you can have a social worker supervise and call it off it is gets derailed. Takes the pressure off of you.)
Or if that’s too much for the current situation, maybe you could set up a private social media account and exchange that way for a while. Let her know she can share on that, and you will share back, but it has to be in an appropriate way. Maybe that will ease her into healthier contact.
Letting a child know that their biological parent makes you sick, or that you think they are bad people, does not do the kid any favors in the long run—kids internalize and the parents are a part of them, so they will wonder if they are also evil or if they will wind up making you sick some day. Nor is hoping that somebody they will see for themselves how bad their parents are. Especially since bipolar has a strong genetic component.

There’s a big difference in a child’s mind between a parent being too sick to be around them NOW and being a piece of garbage.

As for the prison visits, which I realize is a comment and not the OP, if an adoptive parent agrees to an open adoption then every effort should be made to honor that promise. There is obviously no safety issue in a prison. There is a difference between keeping children SAFE and keeping children YOURS.
People change sometimes (and sometimes they don’t). Most important, kids grow up and most of them want to know their families of origin.

As a FFY, I can pretty much guarantee that one day, even if not until adulthood, a child will want to know why they were kept away from a parent who wanted to contact them. You don’t want that to come back and bite you on the butt.

Posted by NoraT on Feb 20, 2020 at 6:08pm

Don’t let birth mom visit at all. Close the adoption. A child needs stability and you’re the mom. Protect your precious child. Don’t feel guilty either.

Posted by Charming_Ell on Feb 24, 2020 at 11:50am

I’m birds nest just forgot password. Like I said someday, especially since this is kinship n everyone knows his story-not my doing- he will see how she is! Also I’ve never kept her from him but she certainly falls off the earth after makin promises constantly.fyi I don’t talk about her!

Posted by Birdnest on Mar 14, 2020 at 11:33pm

Daisygirl…... I luv ur story I can relate to so much…. You ignore the haters n do what u think n feel is right for your son. That is what bm trusted u to do as well. That is what we promised to do with these beautiful babies that came from them! If u can setup a website or whatever to send pics or videos or what ur comfortable with do that or whatever works for you!!! No shame in this mom’s game! We are giving our babies the life we promised we would! Incidently I created a separate FB account for bm just me n her n hubby. You stick to your gut!

Posted by Birdnest on Mar 14, 2020 at 11:39pm

“someday, especially since this is kinship n everyone knows his story-not my doing- he will see how she is!”

As a FFY, this breaks my heart.

Posted by NoraT on Mar 15, 2020 at 2:22am

It appears, Nora T., that you have a running theme to all your posts on every discussion. You even go off on another rant on another discussion on a woman for calling the birth mother a birth mother. You’ve put quite the nasty story in my mouth, which, let’s just be honest, I simply did not say. I’m sorry you have had such a bad experience that leaves you feeling you must wage war and hurt people. I never said she made me sick.  I never said she was a piece of garbage. I also never said that we were going to keep his adoption a secret from him. I’m not sure what was really gong on with your post. We will tell him he’s adopted, we will tell him who she is, and we will never say anything but wonderful things about her to him. I got very defensive when anyone talked about her during the whole process, I didn’t care for your comments either, bc she’s none of those things. She’s brilliant, beautiful, sweet, funny, and I thank God for her. Until you can put your own feelings aside from your own personal experiences, please refrain from giving anyone any advice.

Posted by Daisygirl1982 on Mar 16, 2020 at 11:22pm

👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏
❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

Posted by Birdnest on Mar 23, 2020 at 7:09pm

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