Hi, (not sure if you know but this is posted on three separate threads - don’t know if you want to combine them).

Our son has three older sisters with his bmom and one younger brother (on the way) via his bfather.  Our son is two. We have talked about them since birth basically.  We have pictures of them and he’s at the stage now where he likes to play “Guess Who?” with the pictures.  So we’ll play with some of the birthfamily pics (which are interspersed throughout the house). He knows who his bparents are, and he knows if I ask “Where are your sisters?”, who they are. I know that doesn’t “get” the dynamic of the relationships with them, but he at least knows who they are, and we see them when we have visits.

As for getting to the ‘why’ and ‘how’ the relationships came about, our plan is that when he’s old enough to comprehend that they are raising their other kids and we are raising him, to be very open and truthful about the situation.  When I tell him “His Story”, I tell him how he grew in bmom’s tummy, but she wasn’t able to take care of him (which in this case is the truth), and while she loves him very much and wished she could have been able to take care of him, she knew she couldn’t. So she set out on a journey to find the perfect family to take care of him and raise him. Then I flip and tell him how Daddy & I wanted a baby so very badly, and we were on our own journey.  Then we go into how the journeys met up, and tada - adoption.  (I’m a little more finessed when telling him lol).

As for the future children, we will just tell the same. Situations change and now they are able to take care of that child, but they don’t love him any less.

I know a lot of people either don’t have all the details, or there are some details that are not age appropriate (rape, drugs, etc.). So you have to make the story fit your family and his age.  For me, the important thing would to be not to lie.  Maybe leave out some details that would confuse or scare until the correct age, but don’t make anything up. At some point children always find out the truth and you don’t want them to think you’re hiding anything.

As for when - I say now.  It’s never too early to start. Even if he doesn’t “get it”, at least he’ll be familiar with the terminology, names, relationships, etc., so that when he does understand - that’s all there.  Instead of introducing the topic to a 7 yr old who better understands the situation, but would feel blindsided or hurt maybe.  I feel if they grow up knowing their story, they won’t be ashamed of it and/or feel like they’re missing something. In addition, as friends begin to ask, they’ll be able to educate on a peer level. 

Often children ask questions because they don’t know or arent’ familiar with the topic of adoption.  But I’ve heard from adoptees that not being able to answer those questions makes them feel like less of a person or that there is something they should be covering up, which could lead to making up stories.  One of my friends who has school aged child writes a letter to the new teacher each year explaining their family’s dynamic and some of the terms that they might hear her son say, and then offers to come in and talk with the kids to answer any questions they may have.  Once most of the kids hear the story and ask their questions, it’s a done deal and they move on and don’t dwell on it.  He’s very happy and aware of his story.

Good luck! Adoptions are like fingerprints. No two are exactly the same.

Hi.  We are not in touch with my son’s birthparents unfortunately so I don’t know whether he has birth siblings.  But I remember the feeling from when he was younger (he is 9 now) of wanting to bring something up about his adoption and not being sure how to.  I have found that just bringing things up works really well for us. It is like I would offer the addition to the story to him, and he would take it and incorporate it (or not, but then he would later). So maybe just mentioning them the next time you talk about his birthmother?  You may say you want to include them in your prayers as well.  He may then ask about them and you can answer his questions whenever they come up. 

Or you could say something like: You know how we like to talk about your birthmother and how ... and then something specific about her that you have talked about with him.  You could then say: I want to tell you something else about her.  And then you tell him about her other children.  With time he may want to know how her other children relate to him (or right away, it is hard to predict), and you can talk about that.  He may want to know why she is taking care of them and not him, and at different times he will feel different things about that.  I think right now just giving him the information, and then taking his lead is all you would need to do.  That way they will become part of the narrative in an easy way.

I hope this helps.  I am interested in hearing what you end up doing or saying and how it works.

Good luck!

I’m in that same situation as well, so will be incorporating some of these suggestions into my “talks” with my little girl (she has a 1/2 sister and a “full” brother & sister, that Mom is raising).

Both of my daughters, now 8 and 7, have 2 older birthsiblings. My son, now 2, has 1 older birthsibling. My daughters’ adoptions are both closed - one domestic and one from Russia. We do not have alot of information about either birthfamily. I have answered questions from my daughters as they have come and only recently has the topic of siblings been asked. I have never hid any information from either of them and never would, but I have an adopted older brother and he has never wanted any information, so I figure it is my daughters’ decisions whether they want to know something or not. That is why I have waited for them to ask the questions and answered them fully (age appropriately) and truthfully. They know that I am always open to any question about their BFamilies and adoptions.
My son is a different story since his adoption is open and we have ongoing contact with his BM and half sister. He is still too young to understand the relationships, but we talk about his BM and sister using their first names. My daughters know who they are and understand the relationships. They like to say that our son’s sister is kind of their sister too. We do not see them often, but when we do it is a family affair and all of the children play together.

It is complicated.  Our son has two half-siblings (one from each bp) that remained with the bps.  He generally questions why the bps were able to raise the other siblings and not him.  I would consult a therapist.

My daughter is 3 also.  She has 2 birth siblings with the same birth parents (they are raising) and 3 half birth siblings (she is not raising).  We have an open adoption where our daughter meets with the birth family 2bros, bparents, bgrandma once a year for her birthday.  I asked the bmom what she wanted to do.  We agreed to let the 2 siblings she is raising know they have a sister and I let my daughter know she has 2 brothers.

I simply told her she has 2 brothers and showed her pictures.  She hasnt asked any questions yet. She tells everyone she has 2 brothers and knows their names. Just answer ?‘s as age appropriate as possible.  Sometimes too much info will just confuse them.  The birth parents send occasional pictures of her brothers also.

Ellen

Almost all adoptees have siblings. It would be rare that both birth parents would go through life and never have another child. It is possible just rare. So eventually he will ask. It is better he “always knew” just like he always knew he was adopted.

I assume it is not an open adoption?

I would just tell him. Your birth mom had three babies. She was able to parent two but not a third one because (what do you tell him is the reason? whatever the reason is) They are 5 and 8 (or whatever ages)

Someday when you are all grown up you might want to find your brother/sister and meet them but your birth mom decided it was best for you to stay with us. We are your family. (Does he have siblings with you?)

Some kids like to make a sibling and or birth parent box and put in pictures (like a grade school picture) postcard from a trip etc to share when they meet.

It is difficult but right now he can just know. There will be more questions in the future. You can bring them up once in awhile. Oh I was thinking about your birth brother. He would be about 14 now. Do you ever think about him?

Loss is so hard.

HI

Our situation is a bit different as the BM does have a son who is a full bio sibling to our daughter, and the BM is my sister. 

So our daughter knows all the roles, and we have told her from the beginning - start early is all I can say it reinforces bonds and promotes open discussion on the adoption.

Our daughter knows she has a brother but he is also her cousin so we thought it woud be cool to give him a special name and we call him her CousBro.  They both love the name and it gives them a special bond.  They get to see each other about once a year and talk on the phone regularly.

The BM and I coordinated talking to both children so the CousBro has known that our daughter is is sister from the beginning.  He accepts that he has a sister that is also his cousin and he loves to say HI on the phone and especially loves the visits.

Both are doing well and our daughter seems to accept the fact that her CousBro lives in a different state with her Auntie.  We answer questions as our daughter asks and openly discuss her adoption.  The more open you are the better off I feel it is for the children on both sides of the equation.

This approach has worked well since this was a Kinship adoption and everyone in the family knows the full story.

Hi!  Our oldest daughter is also three, and we have begun to talk to her about her birthmother and birth siblings who are older and live with her birthmother.  We have pictures on the computer from when they have come to visit before, and I have showed them to her and shared who they were,  (They are also all in a collage frame in her bedroom of special family who saw her when she was a baby)  Of course she doesn’t really understand yet, but I have told her that her birth siblings are her “older brother and sister” and told her their names, and that they live with her birthmother.  They will be coming to visit in a few weeks, and I think she will understand a little more when she sees them again this time because she remembers people better now.  (I also plan to make her an adoption story photo book and have pictures of them in there.)

Hugs,
Kris   .

Thank you all so much for your replies!
I am sorry about the triple posting—it was an accident!

Sadly, we do not have an open adoption. Maybe someday when the birthmom is ready…

I also have pictures of her two other boys—however I do not know their names. I think I will start to talk to him about having brothers and after he is comfortable with things I will show him the pictures.

I appreciate everyones insight and suggestions so much. Thank you. It really makes a difference to have advice from people in the same situations! Thank you again!

Good comments everyone, and EJH, thanks especially for such good, practical advice about how to bring it up.

My 5 yo Guatemala born daughter has three older sibs (don’t know full or half, but likely half) whom BM is raising, as well as one older sib who was adopted, and its reasonable to think there could be a younger one, now or hereafter, who would also likely be adopted.  I’ve done the whole lifebook and told the whole story, but haven’t added in the siblings yet. 

I’ve always thought it would be up to her to decide how much of story to share with others, so there are quite a few details I’ve told absolutely no one.  But, at young ages, she can’t disthinguish between public and private; what she knows now, she’ll basically tell to anyone, and may share things now that at 12 or 16 or 25 she would keep private.  So my concern has been that saying its up to her how much to share doesn’t mean anything if she shares it before she reaches (what we lawyers call) the age of discretion. 

And the part about BM raising some sibs but not her seems like the kind of thing that mean kids could hurt her with on playground.  Any thoughts?

Any thoughts about all that?

Hi CLK,
 
    I would strongly encourage you to tell her that she has siblings in her Guatemalan family.  When you are advised to not share information that its best that she keep private until she reaches discretionary age, its information such as having been born of rape or incest, or having been born to parents who were drug addicted, or having a birth parents who was violent and hurt someone so is in prison—stigmatizing information, in other words.  Other than that, children should receive whatever else is in their written history, including the information that they have siblings in their birth families earlier rather than later, so that it is never perceived as a secret that was kept from them as though it was toxic. 

    Might other youngsters taunt her over details of her history that they learn about?  Yes, but it is actually much more likely that they will tease her—if they do—about her racial background (if she has darker skin tones), or about the fact that you are not her “real” parent, or that she is adopted.  Those are the complaints most youngsters express most often during the workshops I facilitate and have, for many years.  I have actually never heard—not even once—any child reveal that he/she was teased over details of their pre-adoption history or birth family. 

      By the way, I would strongly encourage you and everyone here to not write BM when referring to a birth mother.  Its easy enough—just two more letters to type—to write BMom, instead.  BM is an abbreviation for bowel movement—not what you intend, surely, but what comes to mind for many. 

      One more comment I thought that I would add for those of you who have a child with known siblings in their birth family.  It is confusing for a child to really understand that they ARE siblings, when you speak of this, at first. To children, a sibling is a boy or girl who lives with you, who also call your mom and dad—Mom and Dad, whom you sometimes squabble with over who will go first, or who is taller, or whose toy that is, etc…  It takes a while, developmentally, for them to grasp the concept that someone could be a sibling and not live with them, even though they use the words brothers and sisters like you do.  Their age mates, too, often struggle to understand that. 

    That is why many of the questions don’t really form until children are a bit older—when they are elementary school age.  Unfortunately, many DON’T ask the questions they wonder about.  Its OK, and actually a good idea for parents to anticipate the questions that their child probably has, and bring those out into the open.  For example, a parent whose child is not asking questions about why his/her birth siblings remained in the birth family might say:  “Sometimes kids who are adopted and have birth siblings wonder why their birth mother is raising those siblings, but planned adoption for them.  Some worry that maybe she loved them, but not him (or her).  I’m thinking that maybe you have wondered that, too.  That is not why your birth siblings are with your birth mom, and you are here.  She made the very hard decision to plan adoption because she did not think she could raise another child and give him/her all that he/she needed, even though she wished that she could.  She cared deeply about you, just as she does about the siblings she is raising. ” 

    Many of the youngsters I’ve worked with over the years have revealed to one another and to me that they spend a whole year deciding which ONE question they intend to ask their adoptive parents, of the hundred or so questions they have.  They are reluctant to ask lest they worry their adoptive parents or cause them to think that they are being disloyal.  Others have an I want to know/ I don’t—mentality.  Still others do not know how to ask, and just can’t bring themselves to broach the subject.  They never ask questions and if information is to be shared, its the parents who must initiate the conversations and put out there that they know adopted kids typically wonder about x, y, and z, as a lead-in for providing the information they know their child needs and deserves to have.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Both my kids’ bio parents have children they are raising.

Be honest, open, and up front.  Just say it.  I think adoptive parents make a much bigger deal out of these issues because we think we have to say and do things perfectly so we don’t screw up our adopted kids.  But the truth is, they will probably just (esp at his age), just listen and move on. 

Sharing our children’s history with them when our kids are young (mine are 1 and 3) is more practice for US as the parents more than anything.  We are getting familiar with this whole adoption thing.  The sooner we start “practicing” sharing information, the better.

I would just have a photo handy, say, “Did you know you have a brother?  His name is Joel.  He lives with your birth mom.”  See what he says.   

No doubt in the future we’ll face questions of “Why is Joel with my birth mom and I’m not?”—-but hey, we have enough to deal with today to constantly fret about tomorrow.   

Do it, girl!

My adoptive mother told me about my birth brother in a mini van after a fight- I was 12 years old.  She was slamming my birthmother.  I remember running to my neighbors house and crying to my friend- devastated.  Why had she not told me before.  I lost trust in her that day that never was regained.  My birthmom had also placed my older brother for adoption 4 years prior at his birth…  I agree with the above posters.  Tell your children.  You are not protecting them keeping secrets from them… you are setting yourself up for a devastating consequence.  You surely do not want to tell them at a moment like my mother told me.  I can feel the sting in her words now.  It came after a bout of “you are not my mother!!!!”  And she retaliated with… your mother let me tell you about your mother!  And told me….something that shocked me,... to the core….

I have not found him yet- but wonder about him all the time.  Who is he, what is his life like, what happened to him?  I am beginning my search for him.  I hope I find him happy and whole but most of all…. I hope I find him.

Tell your children.  Be honest and age apporpriate.

I never knew that I had any siblings until I was 24 years old and found some paperwork in the attic after my adoptive mother had died. My father had died a few years before that (they were both almost in their 50s when they adopted me as a newborn) so I had no one to ask about that except a long-time neighbor, who confirmed that, yes, I had three older sisters. I had grown up as an only child and always longed for sisters. I can’t tell you how angry it made me that I’d been lied to all my life and it made me wonder about everything else my parents had ever told me. When I started searching for my family, it was my sisters I most wanted to find. I actually have five sisters now.

It’s always best to be honest with your children, otherwise it will hurt your relationship when they discover the truth - and these things do have a way of coming out.

As to how to tell him : he is young enough that if you just start talking about them now he will grow up never remembering a time he didn’t know.

Do it fast or else its too late

Our son is one and has a 4 yr old half sibling who lives with his own parernal extended family (as our son does) bio mom (my cousins ex wife) is now pregnant with another half sibling and is due in 2 week,  if bio mom is allowed by the state to keep this baby then I will start a relationship immediately between them. I would love our son to have a relationship with his older half brother but the other adoptive family (also kinship adoption) will not allow it because of how they feel about our son’s bio father. I do have pictures of him and they are in his babybook (pictures taken during his bio moms baby shower) I will let him know about him but also have to respect the fact that the other family refuses any contact

I tried to explain to my 3 year old adoption and she became convinced I was going to give her up for adoption. I eventually caught onto her worry and had to reassure her many times.  Now she won’t even talk about it.  I never guessed she would take it forward and not back over. I thought I did it right.

I tried to explain to my 3 year old adoption and she became convinced I was going to give her up for adoption. I eventually caught onto her worry and had to reassure her many times.  Now she won’t even talk about it.  I never guessed she would take it forward and not back over. I thought I did it right.

My daughter is now 3 and for Christmas I ordered a few story books from Amazon that help in the process of explaining her adoption.  These are her special books that we keep in a specail place and she loves them.  If nothing else its at least a beginning to her/our story.  We have not prcedded in anything other that the books and I am very nervous so I would love some feedback myself.  Thanks Everyone!!

great info on this thread, it is a scary topic b/c we’re not sure of exactly the right thing to do. my son’s bio mom has a child one year older and one year younger than my son (who is 2.5), whom she is parenting. thus far we call them all by their first names and i call them ““bio mom’s first name” kids and i tell him thier first names”. after reading this thread, perhaps i should start calling them his brother and sister? what do you guys think? he sees his bm pic often as it is in his life book, i did not include his birth siblings in his life book. when his bm sends pics of her family i show him and talk about them. we are hopefully going to meet up with his bio mom this summer, i’m not sure yet if she is bringing his siblings or if they even know about him… it is hard to know what to do, i am thankful for this blog!

Some language that I have found helpful is “At the time you were born, your birthmom was not able to parent any child”  This removes the thought that the child did something wrong, or was in some way rejected by his/her birthmom. 

I also agree with with others who urge having the sibling conversation early.  The earlier it is, the more normal it will be to your child.

Jane Brown, MSW gave some excellent advice above. I would also second her comment about not using BM to refer to birth mothers, as most find this highy offensive.

A good book related to this topic (how much to tell children, and when)  is Telling the Truth to Your Adopted or Foster Child, by Betsy Keefer and Jayne Schooler. In general it is best to be honest with your child and give them as much information as is appropriate at that age. You can add details as he grows older.

In addition to telling adopted children about their siblings, I would encourage contact with those siblings when it is possible and safe. We have contact with my daughter’s birth siblings (all placed in different homes), and it has been wonderful - a blessing for her and for us. I understand it may be more difficult when the siblings are still with the birth parents, but sometimes contact can be just letters, e-mail’s, or phone calls, - and/or can be facilitated by an agency to protect your identifying information. And it might just be once or twice a year.

Remember that the sibling relationship is generally the longest relationship in life - longer than with a parent, spouse, or child. As noted in a couple of posts above, it can be devastating to learn as an adult that you have missed out on a lifetime of knowing your sibling.

Young children may not understand the situation enough to express a desire for contact, but many - of not most - adoptees will at some point want to meet their siblings.If that doesn’t happen until the child reaches 18, then that’s 18 years of that important relationship lost - and possiblily bitterness toward the parents for not allowing or facilitating contact sooner. Just my opinion…

My son (almost 6) called his brothers “my birthmom’s boys” for years and then one day started calling them “my brothers” all of a sudden.  Go figure. 

We have a complex situation. Our sons (8years and 14months) have two older siblings (15 and 9) all the same bio mum; who we commit to seeing once a month minimum and live about 20min from us. Our oldest was with them up until a year and a half ago. Then four months ago we learnt our oldest bio dad has a son the exact age of our youngest and one just born last month. Two weeks later we found out the babies bio father has a baby girl four months older than our baby and we were about to adopt her…went to sign papers and the bio mum of the little girl was about to have another (same father) so our baby now has two sisters. We talk about the baby having three sisters and two brothers. Because of new contact with paternal grandmother and our oldests father lives with her…we haven’t yet explained to him he also has two more siblings. Were waiting for pics as he has a special need and we can help him see the situation clearer.

Phew! Insane, huh?

One thing I think is important to emphasize (if it’s true) is that the birthmom needed to make an adoption plan before you were even born.  She hadn’t met you.  She didn’t have a chance to even get to know you—she knew before you were born that she couldn’t raise you and give you the things you need to have a good life.  (PS: just found out my daughter has a 1/2 sibling who will be adopted by a local family here! And she’s only 4 y.o. so these thoughts are going through my head too.  Thanks for a great discussion!)

Shannon, it can be scary to talk about adoption stuff, but the worst part is the anticipation. I talk about adoption stuff all the time, and our 3-yr-old seems to take all of it in stride; it’s only me who occasionally tears up at how huge the emotional component of it is! We are in an open adoption and there are 8 birth siblings, 3 from birth mom and 5 from birth dad. One thing I want to say is that I think it’s important to use the same type of terminology with birth siblings that we do with birth parents. We don’t call birth mom or birth dad Mommy or Daddy, because they’re not. In the exact same respect, birth sibs are not “real” brothers or sisters, in my opinion. My 3-yr-old’s sister is my other daughter, the 11-yr-old who eats and sleeps with her and loves her and suffers through her tantrums and plays dolls and hide and seek with her. Her birth parents’ kids are her birth siblings, and they are important and to be treasured (perhaps especially when she is older and can actually have more of a relationship with them). They seem sweet… but they are not her brothers and sisters. Even though we strive to have relationships with my daughter’s birth family, it is a bit nebulous. Two of her birth mom’s kids have not even been living with birth mom for about 2 yrs, bcs she just couldn’t take care of them. So the sibs are not a consistent presence. I don’t want my daughter thinking that’s what a sister is… someone who comes and goes. Even in a more stable birth family-adoptive family relationship, things can happen that would totally change the relationship that wouldn’t happen in the adoptive family unit… like one of the families could move to another state. Then the birth sib relationship, if it had been visits once a month, for example, would by necessity be much different, more a Facebook or telephone relationship with occasional visits, like one might have with one’s cousins. And that is not what would happen with adoptive siblings, even in the case of divorce. Isn’t it important not to confuse our children by calling children they don’t live with and we have no jurisdiction over their brothers and sisters? Isn’t this the whole point of adoption, that we define family by who takes care of you, not by who has the same bloodline as you? Again, I am a big believer in open adoption and we have an open adoption; I love and respect our birth mom and what I know of the birth dad, and I go to pretty great lengths to stay in touch with them. But I feel like it’s important for my daughter’s sense of security and family for me to say “your birth sister,” not “your sister,” in the same way I’d never say “your mom” instead of “your birth mom.” Any comments from those further along the path than me? At any rate, best of luck, Shannon; you are clearly a concerned and loving parent, and I know you will do great talking with your son about his whole birth family.

Dear Shannon,
As an adoptive parent I have often wondered about whether or not I am presenting the information on my daughter’s birth family the “right” way. I have sought the advice of other adopters and researched on my own. I am lucky enough to have pretty much all of the information you could have on both sides of her bio family as well as pictures. Recently, my daughter’s paternal biological grandfather was killed in an accident. We are very close to the paternal side of the family (we do not visit with the biological parents.) I drove from Georgia to Pennsylvania to take her to the funeral. We had just gotten back from a cruise with her paternal grandparents several weeks before so there were quite a few pictures of us all at the funeral. Emmy Lou’s birth parents have a “Jerry Springer” type beginning. They were neighbors, did drugs together and both had children from their current relationships. They left the children and significant others behind and came to Georgia. The significant others eventually got married and Emmy Lou’d 1/2 siblings now all live together.
Emmy Lou has always known that her birth parents have children that they left behind. I knew those children would be coming to the funeral so I told her she would probably see them. I asked her how she felt about it. She said nervous and a little scared. Emmy Lou is 6 1/2. They did meet at the funeral and surprisingly it was a warm greeting though brief. I thought the kids would resent her but quite the contrary. However, the significant others who were left behind DID resent her and want their children, her 1/2 siblings to have nothing to do with her. They even told me they couldn’t understand why I didn’t just “make her mine” in total disbelief that she knew all that she did about her beginnings.
Emmy Lou was so much more prepared to handle this because she knew all along that her birthparents had other children out there, than if she had never known.
When you have always known something you grow with it. When you find out later, it is a surprise and as if it was hidden for a reason. My husband says if you have to hide something, it is wrong.
Hope it helps!
Becki Jo

I don’t ever remember not knowing I was adopted. 

It is common for adopted children to fear their adoptive parents will to give them away.  They were already given away once and they fear that their adoptive parents will to.

It is hard for a child to wrap their head around being given away and the first question that may pop into their head is ” why did she not want me?”  Which is a legitimate question.  It is very important that they understand they did nothing wrong and were not the reason the birth mother could not parent.

I thought there was something wrong with me my whole entire life because this was not explained to me.  I also knew that my adoptive parents could give me away and leave me to- I felt this strongly,,, so I tried to make them happy and worked very hard to earn their love.

It is a sad state to live in as a child.

Both my boys have biological siblings (my boys are 4 and 6).  We began including the siblings in prayers along with their birth moms.  They take it in stride - so far.  People in the community are surprised that there are siblings who are with their biological mothers (or grandmas from time to time).

We’ve talked about how it is hard and wonderful work being a parent and that I am glad how brave their birth Moms are. 

To well-meaning and niave community people, I tell them I admire the birth mom’s bravery-and how self-aware they were about what they believe they can and want to do or not do (raising additional children) and choose parents for their babies.

My daughter is 3 1/2 years old.  As i previously messaged I purchased story books on adoption to read to her.  Should I start initiating more on the topic and how do I do this?  I am very nervous. 

Help!!  I’m not afraid to do it I just dont know where to start.

If you can start telling your child info like this before they really understand it then it is never a bombshell. It’s just a part of their story. It also allows you, as parents, a chance to stumble through and figure out your words before your child is taking it all in. If your kid is already old enough to understand then practice in front of a mirror, or when driving in the car alone. Get somewhat comfortable with what you need to say so that it is more matter of fact than fraught with emotion.

I would suggest using words like “your birthmother wasn’t able to take care of any more children at the time you were born” rather than “she couldn’t take care of you.” This way it isn’t about your child, it is about the birthmother. By adding “at the time you were born” you allow understanding that at some later time she might be able to, so in case she has another child and chooses to raise it then again it is not about your child.

You will feel so much better when you start this conversation. It’s going to need to be repeated and added to your child’s story.

You could notice a pregnant woman in a store, a friend, church whatever and say

She has a baby inside her. You were inside another woman and now I am your adopted parent. You are staying with me (or with daddy or me whatever) until you are grown up.
You could also watch and comment on tv that dinosaur train show (I forget the name) starts with eggs hatching. One is different and the mom says something like you are here now. You could say oh he is adopted like you.

or read a book and say you are adopted. Just start talking.

Be very careful what adoption books you are using.

Just talk to her about it.  Your grew in another womans tummy.  Show her a pregnant woman and tell her she was not in your tummy but another mommy.  That she has two mothers a birth mother and you.

I also suggest you yourself start reading more about adoption so you get more comfortable with it.

If you are insecure and uncomfortable with it she will know that and she may become more insecure and uncomfortable with it.  Educate yourself and keep trying.  Talk to your spouse about it.  Talk to a close friend.  Talk on here and find some other people in the adoption community to talk to( not just adoptive parents) and get comfortable.  This is a life long thing here you signed up for.  My mom comes to visit every other month and adoption comes up quite often.  It is part of our relationship.

Reading all these responses has been very helpful. My son was in an orphanage (China) until we adopted him at almost 5 (He’s 6 ½ now). I occasionally mention his birthmom, but so far he doesn’t have a lot of interest and/or doesn’t comprehend what that means. The challenge for me is how/when to bring up that, according to the letter he was found with, he has a twin. I know that’s a big deal and want him to know, but haven’t figured out how. He is a chatty “why-why-why” boy, so in part I was waiting for more questions on his past.

Reading all these has led me to think sooner, than later. Anyone have any similar stories to share? We have no information or photos of his birth family.
Thanks!

Oh my.  We’ve been talking with our daughter about birth parents since she was a baby ... but there is also at least one birth half sibling. Our daughter wants a sister so bad… I am afraid to tell her she has one… that she won’t be able to meet until she’s 18. Her “sister” was adopted several years prior to our adoption, which is a closed adoption so details and ongoing information are unavailable.
This thread brought me to tears. How can I not tell my daughter she has a sister?  How can I tell her she has one, but she won’t know her until she’s an adult, if ever? I don’t want to lie to her, but it seems cruel to tell her. 
wow…
Jen