You can go for a middle child!! In this way everyone keeps their place in the family

My biodaughter was just turned six when we adopted her brother who was seven at the time.  It has worked OK for us.  Our daughter likes having someone to lead the way—it actually gives her less anxiety about new situations.  They also have a lot of sibling rivalry, but I think that would have happened even if he was the younger of the two.

But I would agree with the previous post that you might want to look for someone younger than your daughter, to fill that middle position.  My experience with fostering and adoption has been that the older the child is at adoption, the more issues they might exhibit.  An older adoptive child, especially one approaching teen years or already a teen may want nothing to do with a child of your daughter’s age.

We are in the process of adopting three young siblings, and my daughter (now 7) just loves having a little 2yo sister to dote on.

Regardless of how things may turn out, make sure everyone in your family is comfortable with a prospective adoptee.  Best of luck on your journey!

We adopted two children who fit ‘in between’ our three bio children.  It has worked fine for nearly 10 years, displacing no one.  But now we’re thinking of adding two young ones to the family… and our ‘baby’ (age 17 !) admits to feeling a little jealous of losing her place as youngest.

Our bio son was 11 when we adopted his 12 yr old and 8 yr old brother. We also have our daughter whom we adopted when our bio son was 8 and she was 3…so our birth order has changed 2x. As far as birth order,the older 2 are in the same grade so it seemed a little easier.  As far as older children adoptions, one thing I’ve learned is that you won’t have the same amount of bonding time as they are in the throws of being a teenager.however,our family is sucha blessing and even on the toughest day,I would t trade it for anything. Hope this helps.wishing you many blessings!

There are so many nuances combined within birth order as there is the oldest and the functional oldest and so forth. I have always functioned as the oldest in a family of five living siblings even though I have an older brother who is quite intelligent and capable. Another thing you might consider is that an older child that you adopt from the foster system may very well think and act younger than your oldest child, still leaving her in the position she is used to.
I agree that a teenager can go either way. They can either be on the same emotional level as your child or they can be a teen that doesn’t want anything to do with a 9 year old.
I also agree that there will probably always be sibling rivalry no matter whether the birth order is disturbed or not.

Its a good thing to remember the old adage, “be careful what you wish for…” before making a decision based on a child’s desire for an older/younger sister or brother that he or she harbors because of expectations that may or may not be realistic.  Older child adoption is not for the faint of heart because it is likely to bring in many unanticipated issues that are quite challenging for both you and your current children.  The difference being that you are the adult and are making a permanent commitment of which your children are not capable of making at their ages.  Children do not tend to be altruistic or happy when the challenges begin to unfold, and often, when an older sibling is introduced, they become the target of the older child’s acting out behavior—far from the dream sibling who would share a bedroom, teach them to do all sorts of fun things, share secrets, etc… 

      Another risk that one has to be aware of and consider is that many children have been sexually abused or have witnessed sexual abuse.  The way that adoptive parents learn of this is through discovering that their older child has abused a younger child—sometimes their sibling.  That information is not always disclosed prior to the placement because it is often not known.

      I am not wishing to discourage you from adopting an older child, but urging you to educate yourself about the challenges that are often involved when a family brings an older child into the family, regardless of whether they disrupt the birth order or not.  Adopted children seem to feel especially different and vulnerable when they are the only adopted person and their siblings both/all share ancestral and genetic ties to their parent or parents, and do not easily or readily transition into the relationships they will ultimately have, IF the parent or parents can understand the challenges, calmly deal with the behavioral clues that the child is struggling to attach (develop a sense of personal safety and security so that they CAN feel loved and reciprocate love), and keep their commitment “no matter what.” 

    There is no right or wrong about choosing the age of the child you intend to bring into your family.  There are different challenges depending on the choice you make.  The real question is which ones you think you and your kids can handle.  I would urge you to get to know families who have adopted older children, whose children have been with them longer than several months, so that they have experienced some of what you and your kids are likely to experience in an older child adoption.  There is little education that is better than that! 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

You all have brought forth some great tips and things to think about! Thank you so much for your input