It is her choice to tell or not tell whomever she chooses. If she feels it is best to place the baby then accept that gift. I feel bad for her and her parents but if she’s been able to keep this secret then they clearly aren’t close. If you are truly going to walk away give her my info!  Jk but not really. If I were in your shoes I would embrace her and respect her choice. Best of luck.

This is a tough one—she may very well have good reasons for staying away from her parents (or she may not), but your gut is telling you that secrets and deception are toxic, and time makes that toxicity worse, not better. What happens down the road when the natural grandparents tell the child they would have wanted her if they had known about her? If you are uneasy about the ethics of this situation now, and you are, you already know the answer that is right for you, hard as that is.

My adoption with our BM happened the same way she didn’t tell her family and that bothered me but she is an adult and did it for her own reasons. This is HER choice and she has every right to do so… We dont know her reasons but we have to respect them and we didnt grow up with her to understand her family dynamic. This is YOUR blessing and you cant worry about how someone else may feel about it. Good Luck!

Ugh… hard situation for sure and I am sorry you have to deal with it. With our situation (disrupted adoption) - our BM was 28 and had 2 children and was pregnant with her third. She and her mom had a rough relationship and she “sorta” told her about her plans - but never in concrete terms etc…  She assured us that she was having the baby for us no matter what her mom said. Well, her mom came in at the 11th hour - convinced her that her love was all that baby needed and continued to buy her all the “necessities” she would need to be able to keep this baby - and she did. 4 days after we had the baby in our arms. It was the worst day of my life. So, personally, I would try to go with your gut and at least have a conversation about this with her about this.  We were very close with our BM - and never in a million years did we ever think she would listen to her mom - especially over what her gut said about the adoption. But, she did… :( Best of luck to you.
D

“This is YOUR blessing and you cant worry about how someone else may feel about it.”

Luckily, the OP is aware that its not just about her but involves many other people—including how the child will eventually feel about. Reading the posts on this site from adoptees can give a more realistic perspective on how other people’s feeling do matter.

I echo Patsy Mae & Crystal. You have to consider your motivation for asking her to do something she’s not comfortable with. Is it because you’re worried in the end
her parents might convince her otherwise? What good would come out of it for her to tell others who would not support her and might turn their backs against her if she has decided to make an adoption plan for her baby and she does not want to tell them? Also, why does she want the babies placed separately if she has placed before? If she is really young, some fear their parents might make them terminate but if she is due in July, probably not her worry. I would probably do what is reasonable to show your support of and belief in her without trying to intervene in how she makes her decisions. Remember though you hope with all your heart and are doing your best to have a supportive relationship with her, it’s a huge life altering choice for her to make to place her baby and it’s hers until she places that baby in your arms. Give her latitude to do what she feels is best and show her you support her.

wow…this sounds like its a tough one emotionally for you…however i have to agree with most of the board…in saying that if she is hiding this second birth from her parents it most have created some kind of drama from the first and she is trying to swash that tension with this current pregnancy.

most young birth mothers have their reasons for what they do you just have to trust her and believe that she knows her situation better then you ever will…for now you will have to take your emotions and fears out of this situation no matter how difficult it is and keep the positive relationship that you have already created with her. she choose you for a reason as well as the support that apparently she can not find any where else. you have to think of her right now and by doing so she will reward you when the time comes. keep your chin up everything will work out.

You do not know the reasons behind her decision not to involve her family. She has information about her family that you do not have.  It is telling to me that she placed her other child with an adoptive family, not her parents. One of my children’s birthmothers was placed in foster care as a teenager after being abused by her stepfather, her mother choosing to stay with the abuser.  The fact that she hasn’t told you her reasons does not mean they are not valid. 

That being said, I don’t think your only options are to continue the match in silence or walk away; you have the option of expressing your concern in a supportive way.  You could tell the expectant mother that you understand she does not want to involve her family, and you respect her decision, but you are worried for her sake that she may regret it later.  Do not ask her for an explanation, just tell her as much as you want to be parents, the most important thing is for her to feel comfortable with her decision, including her birth plan and whom she chooses to involve.  Then encourage her to discuss this in counseling, or with a neutral third party. 

It is not wrong to express concern to someone you care about, but I do believe it is wrong to assume you know what another adult should do if you don’t have all the facts.  If you have a good relationship with the expectant mother, and you believe her, then you should trust her decisions.

They are called ‘red flags’ for a reason.  If you continue with this em, please prepare yourself for any outcome.  Even if her mother supported her daughter’s adoption plan, that is not a guarantee the placement would happen.  My son’s birthmother’s mother supported 100%.  My daughter’s birthmother’s mother was not supportive and was literally accepting black-market bids on her newborn granddaughter.  I hate the cliche, but if it’s meant to be, it will happen.  Hang in there and do what feels right for your family.

Not to belabor the point, but dear OP, if you and your husband are uncomfortable with the deception, that is the “red flag”—that YOU are not comfortable, that YOU feel you could be doing something unethical, that YOU don’t want to live with deception. No matter how many rationalizations there could be—don’t know the details, respect the natural mother, etc.—what I get from your post is that YOU are already unhappy with the prospect of living a future—and affecting many lives, first the child and then so many others—that you are unsure about ethically (and of course that unease would carry over for years, and years, and…years).
That’s what I meant by trusting your gut.

Thank you everyone for your thoughts. We have moved on our gut. We have to have faith that we won’t have these doubts when it is right for us. Thank you again for your support and input. I pray everyone is matched with the birth situation that is best for them!

Hi and good luck but a word of caution.  I dont know what state you are adopting from but some states have laws that give grandparents rights.

We had a couple that spoke at our adoption class that had a failed adoption - basically the mother knew her daughter was pregnant and knew she was putting the baby up for adoption.  When the adoptive parents were on a plane enroute to pick up the baby the grandmother stepped in and stopped the adoption and stated she was going to raise the child.  In the state where they lived Grandparents had SPECIFIC RIGHTS to do this and parent the child.

I personally dont feel that this was the right thing but there were laws that protected the grandparents.

You might want to check this out in the state where the birthmother lives. If the Grandmother comes in at the 11th hour and wants to raise the baby herself that could a possibility.

Good luck

Ozymom,
If I am reading your post right you have chosen to look for another birthmom. Your choice speaks volumes to the parent you will one day be. May God bless you on this journey and give you comfort and peace as you continue to grow in His love!