I have a problem with parts of this.  Not because it isn’t true for SOME, but because it isn’t true for ALL.

I have wanted to adopt since I was a teenager, not even having sex yet.  Many teens today want to have a baby of their own that they can control and that they can love and be loved by.  I did not see the need for having even 1 child of my own with so many abandoned in the world.  Not to rescue them, but to be a family.
So, God DID call me to adopt.  He called me to take the place of others that made a choice (one HE didn’t want them to make, but knew they would make) to not raise their child.  There are others, married even, that have NEVER wanted to have a child biologically.  Sometimes it’s because of health or pg concerns, but sometimes it’s really for the right reasons.

SO to basically label all AP’s as being selfish is very foolish of anyone.  That is a presumption I would never make.  Yes, we were infertile, but we had only planned on giving birth to 1 and adopting up to 6 more.  We wanted a lot of children in a wonderful home, just like many that don’t choose adoption.  But we also believed that we really didn’t need to bring anyone else into the world to accomplish our family goals.

My children are in my home because 1.  God called me to adopt 2.  Because they have been brought to us (by God).  Did we bring all of the children into our home that people have brought to us, no our children are not stray animals.  Rather, through prayer and guidance we have determined what was right for our family to stay healthy and happy just like any other person out there that has a child biologically, or chooses to abort their child.  The choice for us was easy, the children need parents…..........and we needed them.  We aren’t rescuing them any more than they are rescuing us from not fulfilling our dream for a family.

And when it comes to people say things to make us feel inferior, I totally agree that we need to deal with that. But, for us, the choice was to go through embryo adoption (for 2 of our 4 adoptions) and end up with 2 biological siblings that may have not had a chance at life, while I wouldn’t have had a chance at pregnancy.  Should I have looked those naysayers in the face and called them out?  Yes, but if I had at that time, I wouldn’t have those 2 beautiful children I have now.
If I would have let the naysayers win I also wouldn’t have my two IA children either.

In life biologically, you don’t get to choose your parents/children, in adoption sometimes you do and sometimes they just call out to you so that you know THEY are the ones that are to be in your family.

beterri…..VERY WELL SAID. It says in the bible that we are to take care of orphans and widows. I am not saying that EVERYONE should adopt because it isnt for everyone but if it is something that is put on your heart and you feel like this is right for your family then thats what you do. I think there are different situations for each adoption. Also if people wasnt “called” to adopt then no one would. Like I ask in my question then the other night…WHO IS RIGHT TO ADOPT? I mean you all are saying..don just do it because you feel called to do it or you feel sorry for the poor children or dont do it because you have infertility issues etc etc etc etc etc….then who is the GOLD STANDARD for adoption. I a very hurt and confused.

Hi beterri.  Many of your thoughts are not really very different from what I shared in my post, although some of our views are quite different. First, you’ve written that you adopted because you wanted to have children. Of course, the children who available to be adopted need and deserve families, and their need is also satisfied when a family steps up to adopt them.  However, you are telling us that you recognize that you had a strong desire to be a parent—to raise children.  Regardless of whether you were interested in adoptable children before you were even grown, or whether you learned about children in need of families after you became an adult and married, you are saying that YOU WANTED TO HAVE CHILDREN.

  I did not write or even hint/imply that ALL adoptive parents fail to be honest about their motivation to adopt, or that all adopt because they are infertile or in some way can’t conceive and birth children, or that all or even ANY adoptive parent is “selfish.”  If you are reading that into my words, I would invite you to re-read what I wrote because none of that is woven into my message. 

  Regarding the issue of whether God “called” you to adopt.  Every prospective and adoptive parent is, of course, entitled to think that way if they do.  My issue with that is what you say to and in front of your children, and the failure we have, as adoptive parents, to understand that our perspective is not likely to be shared by our children, as adoptees.  I am suggesting that we rethink this from what is the typical adopted-child/adult point of view.  (before anyone raises a complaint—I am happy to reiterate that I do not/cannot speak for EVERY adoptee.  I do not and never will know EVERY adoptee.  However, I AM speaking about the common pattern of beliefs shared by many to most adoptees.  And even if I am wrong, if it applies to YOUR son or daughter, then this is well worth considering—no?).

    The magical/mythical approach that suggests that we, as human beings, could and do know what God intends or doesn’t does not ring true for me, even though I have strong religious beliefs and am part of a faith community.  Nor does it ring true for many teen and adult adoptees—as much as their parents tried to implant those beliefs.

    Kids are more blunt than I am.  Typically, they say things like: “my parents tell me that God meant for me to be in their family.  If that is true, then God meant to break up my first one, and for me to have a hole in my heart. I don’t get it. But don’t tell my parents!” or, “I know my parents couldn’t have a baby from their own bodies. But they try to tell everyone that it was God’s idea for them to adopt because they think other people won’t guess that.  They do, though!”  or “My parents would rather have others see me as a charity case than to let others guess that they couldn’t have a baby the way most people do. They love it when other people tell them how wonderful they are.  But then they feel sorry for me that I had to get adopted, and that my parents saved me.  I HATE that!”

    I had a seven year-old child in Australia say: “Jane Brown: the reason I wanted to come is because I want to know why—if they couldn’t keep me—my birth parents MADE me?  And why, if God makes people do this or that, He made my birth parents to do that to ME. Do YOU know?”

    I do not see embryos created when human eggs were harvested and then fertilized with sperm as missing out on a chance at life, any more than I think those of my own or anyone else’s own eggs were shed instead of fertilized and grew into babies.  Many adoptees are going to think that way, regardless of what their parents try to tell them TO believe.  Some eggs and sperm combine to form life, some do not.  Its always been that way, and always will be that way.

    I am suggesting that if infertility or some other reason exists that propelled you to consider adoption exists, that you say so honestly and NOT say that it was the needs of the children that led you to consider adoption.  That you may think/believe that God “called” you, but my want to consider carefully whether or not to give that as your primary reason for adoption to your child or in front of your child, REGARDLESS of your belief system—for it could be interpreted very differently than you think it will, and in ways that may drive a wedge rather than draw your kids closer to you by the time that they can think independently.  That has been my observation of what our stated-motivations HAS done in many adoptive parent-child relationships over the years.

    My own personal view is that humans and not God cause whatever problems we have here in this life, and that God created us to be able to think for ourselves, so that He does not micromanage human lives.  Otherwise, we cannot simply pick and choose—decide that He “intended” for our children to become members of OUR families without the corollary—that He would have had to have “meant” to destroy their first families in order for that to happen.  That when people find that they can’t conceive and birth children, they can and do use their minds to consider other alternatives—living childless, fostering kids, adoption. 

  I am hardly suggesting that I am “right” while you are “wrong.”  However, the very fact that we DO see things very differently, and that others see things far differently than EITHER of us does, has to tell us that an adopted child may very well NOT see things in the same way that an adoptive parent does—at least not when he/she is old enough to have independent views that have been informed by others, as well as by us.  It should tell us that we ought to pay attention to how current teens and adult adoptees think and express their opinions—and tell us that they think very differently from the parents they love. 

      i hardly know it all, and don’t believe that I ever will, HOWEVER, I DO try to use my broad base of experience to share with other adoptive parents what I think I have learned from the thousands of adoptees- children of all ages, teens, and adults—have shared with me. That is because I have accumulated years and years of hearing and seeing hurt and anger build up bit-by-bit in adopted kids who start out as happy, trusting, curious children who are devalued and hurt and shamed by societal beliefs, attitudes, assumptions, and words that undercut who they are and their sense of self worth.  Few people have the opportunity to learn in this way—through working directly with so very many children and in so very many parts of the world so that their experience is universal, and I feel obliged to do what I can to better educate us, as adoptive parents, based on what the patterns are amongst those I work with, and the evidence-based research conclusions that have been arrived at repeatedly through social science studies. 

    My hope is that many to most of you will consider a different point of view, and will weave that into your thoughts as your kids grow and mature, so that you are more mindful of how the things you say may impact your children.  If the only thing I accomplish is to help adoptive parents to recognize that they see and experience adoption from a very different vantage point than do their children—then that is something that I can feel good about.  For I have now observed children whose parents HAVE been educated to a typical adoptee point of view and are much more psychologically whole and have better ongoing relationships with their adoptive families than many others, whose parents never had exposure to the things that are now possible for adoptive parents to know. 

  I might suggest, beterri, that you leave open the possibility that your children may think differently than you do, and to acknowledge that to them—to let them know that you will love them and respect them whether or not they think as you do, and that you are aware that as adoptees, they may very well see things differently.  I also suggest that parents be honest and tell their kids that while they think thus and such, others think differently—and respectfully describe that.  It gives our children room to be honest and not feel that they have to parrot what we do or else (for them the “or else” represents rejection and abandonment—something that they will not risk, so that they don’t dare to tell us their inner thoughts when those differ from ours). 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane Brown, MSW

Beautifully written Jane…

This is long but I will post it- and hope that you will read it.  It is heavy in scripture and scripture references… have your Bible handy.

I will post a link to David Smolin’s article. For those of you who do not know he is an adoptive parent and Christian.  It is a very good read.

http://viewer.zmags.com/publication/85b0b978#/85b0b978/1

Jane, I agree with your basic premise of honesty with our kids.  I also agree that no child should have to feel “grateful” to their adoptive parents just for getting to be raised in a loving family. No child should ever feel like a charity case.

I, however, am not in the “norm” for APs. I have wanted to adopt since I was a teen. I always saw myself adopting internationally or from foster care.  After having three bio kids, I still felt called to adopt.  We decided against domestic newborn.  After having three babies, I didn’t feel the need to do that again.  Also, I knew there were lots of families available for infants.  We chose to adopt from China.

My daughter’s truth is that we chose not to try again for a bio child.  I wanted another child and I wanted to make a difference for a child who might not have a chance at a family if we didn’t adopt.  (My daughter was 17 months at the time of her adoption.  She certainly could have been adopted as she grew older, but her chances for a family lessened,)  Do I feel like I “rescued” her and deserve her undying devotion?  No.  Do I feel like she is better off being in a loving family than living out her childhood in an institution?  Absolutely!!  (I am aware that a number of internationally adopted adult adoptees feel strongly against removing children from their birth culture.  My feelings are that children belong first in their birth family.  Second, being adopted in their own country. If nationals are not adopting most of their country’s children,however, international adoption is preferable to a childhood spent in an orphanage.)

I do believe that God led us to her, but I don’t believe that He caused her to be abandoned.  Poverty, single motherhood, the preference for boys over girls, population control, etc. are probably one or more of the reasons that my daughter lost her birth family.  I believe that God used our desire for another child and her need for a family to come together.

smh.

Teenagers think they want to do all kinds of crazy things.  I remember my boys were dead set on being ninjas when they were kids.  By the time their teenage years rolled around, it was tempered to being the next Chuck Norris.  One my boys did actually choose a military career, but his choice was not made based on childhood fantasies. 

He chose his career because the economy was crumbling, his family came earlier than expected, and he had to provide for them.  I mean, I suppose he could try to convince people that his career was the result of his childhood fantasies combined with some sort of calling.  But the reality is that his career choice was the result of adult circumstances which required some hard choices. 

His first hard choice was to walk into the college where he had just enrolled the previous week before learning he was in a family way, drop his classes, and have his tuition refunded.  His second hard choice was to get a full-time job doing dirt work.  His third hard choice was to hire an attorney because his girlfriend had been a foster/adopt, and no small amount of pressure was being put on her to relinquish.  You know, with her attachment issues and all.  I am very proud of the adult decisions he made, and the sacrifices he made to preserve and provide for his family.  It would be a shame to try to reduce it all to a little boy’s fantasy of being a Ninja or playing Delta Force.

When asserting that one is “called” to adopt because one had childhood fantasies of adopting, but then only did so after discovering infertility, the only person being fooled is oneself.

Personally, my parents adopted after several miscarriages and consulting a fertility doctor.  I’ve no idea what kind of fertility treatment was available in the mid-60s, but I know my a-mom saw a doctor at a university.  After she decided it wasn’t working, they put their name on the list to adopt.  My mother never insulted my intelligence by trying to convince me that she was “called” to adopt.  Likewise, I never insulted her intelligence by attempting to convince her that I was thrilled about being adopted.  As imperfect as our relationship was (she’s been gone 30+ years now), at least we were honest with one another.

Jane,  I have re-read both of your postings and would love some more input.  I am open to being wrong and certainly don’t want to cause my daughter any additional angst in her journey. I would also love to hear from adult adoptees on how their parents explained their adoptions.

What do the kids from your workshops want to hear/ need to hear from their adoptive parents about how they happened to come into their family?  If you leave God out of it, I guess it is random on how one individual child joins a particular family.

I cannot save my daughter the pain of her losses, but I do want her to have a healthy view of God, herself, and her birth family.  No one said this was easy, huh!!

“beterri…..VERY WELL SAID. It says in the bible that we are to take care of orphans and widows.”

Novemberrain - you might also note it says “and widows” as well - in other words, defenceless children and women.  Adoption tends to only “help” the orphans (who might not even be full orphans - with orphans being termed as someone who has lost one or both parents).  If you really want to help “widows and orphans” together, perhaps you should reread the links I posted for you on another thread.  I am sure that we all agree that the best way to help “orphans” is to help their original families take care of them so orphanages aren’t needed.  In regards to in-country adoption, many of those organisations are helping to encourage their fellow country people to do so.  One of the organisations mentioned has actually helped to find the mothers and families of abandoned babies in Uganda by doing their own detective work as soon as the babies are given to them and when the original extended family can’t be found or isn’t able to look after them ((note that extended follow-up is done), then they end up being adopted by fellow Ugandans.  For those who say “but they abandoned their babies, those evil women”, apparently many of the mothers were scared schoolgirls (according to their video).

as a future adoptive parent, I do feel that God called me to adopt, and that there is a child (or children) that are “meant” be raised by me. as a former foster child, I also believe that I was “meant” to be with my foster family. Yes, this means that God intended for my first family to fall apart. yes, I’ve questioned His plans for me, more than once. He does a lot of things that seem so unfair or just don’t make sense; but then, He’s also blessed me many times over. I guess trusting in His plan is just part of having faith. So, I will tell my children that God meant for them to be part of my family… because that is what I view as the honest truth.

Hi luv my kids.

    I am glad that you wrote, and hope that you will be willing for us to exchange further e-mails in order to discuss the issues you have raised.  I work with LOTS of internationally adopted youngsters and adults, and have adopted children myself from Korea and China, as well as from the US, and have fostered many others who were born in Central and South America, and from Haiti. Most of my sons and daughters are now adults.

    You will want to educate yourself about the fact that it is not just a limited number of adult adoptees who believe that children should not be removed from their birth country, but a large and growing number of professionals in many arenas who are concerned about the cavalier tendency Western nations have had towards taking children out of their countries of birth—and not only because this removes them from their original culture.  Its because we are encouraging child trafficking (we do NOT do a thorough job of investigating whether or not children were stolen, whether their original parents were coerced into relinquishing them, or whether they were truly abandoned, etc…, and are increasingly being faced with the reality that they should NOT have been made available for adoption in the first place.  There are lots of people and organizations—the UN for one, who are taking various nations and organizations to task for being willing to take children out of a foreign country without working to reduce or eliminate the conditions under which children become available in the first place, and supporting IN-country adoptions of those children.  A major issue is $$ because when child-procurers (such as orphanage directors) can receive a large sum of money that is SUPPOSED to be used to care for children (or in the case of China—those with severe disabilities and the elderly who are institutionalized), and it is possible for part of that money to go into his/her personal pocketbook—then there is little motivation to really and truly search for birth families, or investigate whether children are being trafficked, or find in-country adoptive families.  In China, by the way, there is and has been a very long, long waiting list of people who would like to adopt in many of the major cities, and pressure has come from US agencies to keep the flow of children for international adoption going—even when that is the case and those children could be placed in China.  It is also the case that foster parents who would LOVE to keep and raise the children they have been caring for, are forced to give them over because they could never afford to pay what a foreign family could.

  And finally—about institutionalization and whether it is better to grow up in a foreign adoptive family.  The answer to that question is: it depends.  I would encourage you to do some research about Children’s Villages.  We have those, by the way, right here in the USA and they are an alternative—a GOOD alternative-0 to adoption when a foster family cannot be persuaded (or in the case of many of the countries which are sending-countries for international adoption—allowed to keep and raise the child they are caring for).  They are villages in which a parent or set of parents have a number of children of different ages placed under their care in a home.  The children receive quality care, love, the an education, and the opportunity to have sibling relationships with the other youngsters growing up in their foster family.  They do not have to leave their country of origin or be raised by parents of a different race.  They do not have to contend with adopt-ism.  Is it a perfect, flawless system? No, but neither is adoption.  Is it an inferior life?  No, just a DIFFERENT life than the one that would be had growing up as an international, transracially-adopted person. 

    This option—the children’s villages- reduce and may eventually eradicate the child trafficking that flourishes because of the heavy demand for young, healthy children for international adoption.  Thus, it not only helps to meet the individual needs of the child, but it helps to reduce the horrific problem of child trafficking, while still putting the spotlight on human rights issues that lead to children being separated from their parents in the first place. 
Adoption is NOT the only answer to the societal problems of children being separated from their original parents.  Children’s villages also can and do serve the purpose that orphanages everywhere often play—that of caring for children TEMPORARILY when their families are not able to provide for them, but giving them access to their parents, siblings and extended families so that they can eventually return to live amongst them when and if circumstances improve for their families.  (that, by the way, was commonplace in the USA in the not-so-distant Past.  My paternal grandmother and her siblings spent time in a NY orphanage for several chapters of their childhood, then returned to their families). 

    Unfortunately, while international adoption is the ready-answer at first, for some of the sending countries whose social service system is just not doing the job of meeting the needs of all of their children, it too-often becomes the catalyst FOR taking children away from families who COULD have and WOULD have raised them.  No parent of an internationally-adopted children truly knows whether and why their child became available, because there are so very many strategies for covering over the truth of a child’s past, for covering up coercive measures that compel some parents to give over one child in order to get enough money to provide for the others, or for berating parents wishing to raise their children—- telling them that they are being unfair and cruel to their kids who would have far better opportunities in the US or other receiving countries.  In Korea, some poor, young, unmarried mothers who required c-section births were being harrangued by agents of the orphanages to either sign over their parental rights OR pay—on the spot—the huge medical cost of their surgery and recovery—and before they were even out from under the effects of anesthesia! 

    It is easy to continue to read only those things that make us feel comfortable and validate our reasons for thinking that international adoption of a child provides a “better” life. However, to me, the enormous privilege we have gained through having adopted a child requires great responsibility to investigate the system properly and not be misled into assuming that its all about acting in children’s best interests, or that we, as individual adoptive parents, are blameless for perpetuating the reason WHY children become available and are moved from one country, even from one family to another. 

    While I do not doubt that there will always be a need for adoptive families for some children, I do NOT believe that adoption is always the better option for children separated from their original parents.  Nor can I fail to tell what I know: that international adoption is BIG BUSINESS and lots of people are willing to make a living on the backs’ of women and children’s losses and pain, by convincing adoptive parents who are not anxious to do more than scratch the surface of what is going on, in order to continue to tell themselves that they adopted in order to give a child a good home.  I do not doubt the sincerity of your statements that you believe your daughter’s best interests were served, and that she would have grown up in an orphanage in a way that is substandard to what you have given to her, however there is more to the story—and we owe it to the children to dig deeper and know the truth of what we have been involved in.  I would urge you to read David Smolin’s article, and anything else you can find of his TO read.  It portrays a very different picture of international adoption—one that I think we, as adoptive parents, MUST be willing to awaken to.
luv my kids, I, too, have a daughter who was born and adopted in China. She is now sixteen.  Its not easy or comfortable to have one’s eyes and mind opened to the realities of international adoption.  However, I think it is what we owe to our children if they are to grow up and continue to respect us.

  A few years ago, on one of my work trips to Austraila (I am an adoption professional and I worked with the Adoption/Foster Care Department
in each province throughout that country—meeting with the governmental heads of those departments and its social workers—I encountered what I am about to share, here.  The number of placements were drying up because the reality of child trafficking was shutting down one sending-country after another.  The workers and department heads were really distressed by the deep yearning, and incredible frustration their clients (prospective parents) were experiencing and longed to do something—anything to help.  They BEGGED me to help them identify any country, including the USA, that could provide healthy, young children.  Meanwhile, the adoption community—in Australia, just as is the case here, in the USA—were insistent that there thousands of kids SOMEWHERE in need of adoptive families.  There was a great deal of animosity towards the adoption departments who were viewed as deliberately setting up barriers to getting the children they wanted and believed needed them. 

    I am very weary of the animosity towards so-called “angry adoptees” who oppose the adoption of children from international countries.  They have—as a collective group—gone beyond the superficial explanations they have been given in their desire to understand why their nations sent them, and why others started out trying to truly help, but ended up doing everything in their power to keep the source of children flowing, when that was no longer IN the best interests of the children.  They are characterized as the “bad” adoptees—those adoptive parents never want their children to be exposed to because they might contaminate their attitudes, while the “good adoptees” are those who really have never examined their own adoptions very thoroughly and continue to take their parents’ words at face value and not question how or whether their parents are truly in-the-know.  (these, by the way, are becoming the minority now, with the availability of the Internet and the more often public views regarding adoption being played out in the media). 

    There is a LOT to learn as the parent of a still-young child, and I would encourage us TO educate ourselves for our children’s sake, but also for the sake of preserving our relationships WITH our children beyond their childhood years.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Jane,
I’m curious what you suggest I tell my adopted son as he grows up in our family.  I have 3 bio children, 2 girls and 1 boy.  I had no trouble getting pregnant and there is no threat to my health if I were to get pregnant again.  I do believe God called us to adopt. We opened our hearts to Him and He showed us the need and we are deep in the paper pregnancy process right now.  We plan on being as honest with our son as we can.  But the truth is, if we hadn’t heard about the 147 million orphans around the world and realized that God wants us to help take care of these orphans, I doubt we would be adopting right now.  Please don’t get me wrong… we love this child already even though we don’t know him yet.  And we will never have the attitude that he owes us gratitude for rescueing him.  If anything I feel like he has rescued us because of all of the changes and personal growth that has occured in our family since starting this process. 
So, what is your suggested explaination when he asks us why we adopted him?

I don’t see Jane calling anyone selfish.  She is just saying that there is nothing wrong with telling the truth. 

My parents adopted because of infertility and I have no problems with that.  They never dwelt on that fact - they wanted to raise a famiily and adoption was the way they went about it.  There seems to some perception that adoptees would prefer that our parents just wanted to adopt as first choice but I couldn’t care less (though I do raise my eyebrows when I’ve read in the past about people who say they want to adopt to help a child who needs a home and then only want to adopt a healthy Caucasian newborn).

Just in general (and this is not addressed at either Beterri or Novemberrain), when one incites God as the reason why they adopted, they need to be careful not to treat the birthparents as just tools used by God to give the APs what they wanted.  For example, telling a child that “God chose to use your bmother as a vessel to bring you to me” (which I have come across a few times) is one that treats the bmother as less than human and, in fact, may send a mixed message to the child, i.e. that some people are there to be used by others.  It is important to treat everyone in the triad as human beings and when you are honest about your reason for adoption and honest about your child’s bmother’s reasons for relinquishment, then you are treating yourself an them as human beings and your child will see you and them as human beings too.  Sometimes, there is a big elephant in the room that can never be discussed (eg many women both past and present have had their genuine fear about their child’s future exploited by adoption professionals in order to pressure them to relinquish) but one just has to deal with what one knows.

Hi Laura.  Sure, I’d be glad to respond to your question.  I am going to assume that you truly are asking, and not just refuting what I am saying. 

  First, there are NOT 147 million orphans around the world who are in need of your/our care.  There are, however, organizations (most of them evangelical Christian organizations) who are spreading these ideas, and whose agenda is NOT the best interests of children.  There are, of course, plenty of children living in poverty, plenty of children who have had one and sometimes both parents who have died of AIDS, plenty of children whose family has been disabled due to an earthquake or some other natural disaster.  These, though, are not unattached orphans who have no family, no relatives, no community to care for them!  They may not be living the lifestyle that you/we are, and there are plenty of folks who would like to suggest that our lifestyle is superior, but truly—these are children who would not thank you for removing them from the people and places they love. and would agree that their lives and futures are inferior to ours simply because we have more money, or the opportunities WE count as valued. 

    In truth, a child might very well benefit FAR more if you were to give a charitable donation to his/her OWN relatives so that he/she would not have to leave them, or learn a new language, or live with a family of a different race (VERY challenging, complex, and not tremendously beneficial FOR a child—especially when he is the sole person in the family put in that position—IF that is what you are aiming to do, and I don’t know whether that is the case or not).  Frankly, spending the enormous amount of money to adopt ONE, lone child would go awfully far in preserving intact families in whatever country it is from which you are trying to adopt.  Maybe God is trying to tell you that by leading you to this discussion.

    There are lots of children’s villages throughout the world which offer not just basic care, but unconditional love, education, training for the adult world in family-settings.  They recruit adult couples to care for children in a home-setting, and place several children of different ages into these homes.  The children go to school, continue to learn in their own language, live with same-race parents, and are not disconnected from their original country and culture.  Some have the opportunity to maintain contact with their siblings and other relatives. Its a great option for children. 

    Laura, you have strong religious beliefs that have led you to believe that you were “called” to adopt,  Any child you do adopt may not grow up to share those beliefs, however, and may resent that you acted on your beliefs because it caused him additional losses, rather than satisfied HIS needs, even though you intended to do so.  You and your husband and children may never suggest that he should be grateful, or that he should feel “lucky” to have escaped from an inferior life—however, he will certainly have those ideas inflicted upon him—most especially if he is of a different race.  No child enjoys that or will escape from having very intense feelings about that, regardless of WHAT you say to or about him in your home. 

    I am glad to learn that you and your family members have grown and learned a great deal through this process, thus far.  Maybe you are just learning a little more, now, through this discussion—and are learning something that is difficult to take in because it threatens the ideas that others have given to you.  That is not easy or comfortable, and it makes most people angry when they are first exposed to ideas that are so foreign to them and the people who surround them in their communities-of-faith.  However, that is what will really give you the tools necessary TO provide for a child’s needs. 

    What answer should you give?  That you wanted to expand your family and hope that he will grow to feel that his needs were met, as well, by having been placed into your family.  As simple an explanation as that.  And by the way, I would STRONGLY urge you to consider adopting another child, so that he is not the only-adopted-one—a very difficult position TO be in.  Its also problematic for the other kids who are regarded and treated like the vanilla-kids, who came into the family in the usual way and won’t be the focus of all the attention a conspicuously-adopted kidlet will be.  Children are not altruistic. They do not enjoy being pushed aside and it would be easier for them and for the child you are adopting to have at least 2 adoptees in your family. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

“But the truth is, if we hadn’t heard about the 147 million orphans around the world and realized that God wants us to help take care of these orphans, I doubt we would be adopting right now. “

Laura, as Jane just mentioned, read David Smolin’s article as linked above.

Also, there are ways to help the world’s orphans without adopting them all. 

In fact, *if* all 147 million orphans** ended up being adopted internationally (at say $30,000) a pop, thus bringing $4,610,000,000,000 into various coffers around the world - I can guarantee that an endless supply of orphans would continue to be found. 

The best way to get children out of orphanages is to help with preventative measures - there are wonderful organisations helping to do this. 

**Btw that figure of 147 million includes those with either one or both parents dead and who may also have extended family.  Many families use orphanages as a sort of “boarding school” because they don’t have other resources.  Even the western world used orphanages in this way in the past.  If you ever watched the excellent UK documentary 7 Up (I think we are almost up to 56 up now) - 2 of the children were from orphanages - one was taken out by his father and taken to Australia.

Jane, I’d like to read more about the villages you’ve mentioned; can you give some specific examples. (not trying to be sarcastic, i’m truly interested). I live in an area that has an excellent “school” for disadvantaged kids. most of these kids aren’t orphans, and attendance is very rarely court-mandated. mostly, it’s parents choosing to send their kids there because the school can provide things they can’t. the kids live with their “houseparents’; married couples, sometimes with kids of their own, who live in a house and care for the “students’” of the school in small groups. the homes are grouped in neighborhoods centralized around the actual school. there’s also various farms and trade schools for the kids to utilize, and learning life skills is heavily stressed. generally, kids who graduate from this program do very well. is this the kind of thing you’re talking about?

Thanks, m4kidz, for asking the question.  I would encourage you and anyone else who is interested to google SOS Childrens Villages.  They now have more than 500 sites around the world. 

  I do not know whether the arrangements you are writing about are similar to what I am saying are those that exist in the USA that are more formalized.  There are, in many places in the USA, where formal organizations set up family-like environments in which children are placed with couples willing to raise them, send them to school, and provide training opportunities for kids to be ready to seek employment. Some, but not all, are sponsored by churches or other religious institutions.  The adults are carefully screened and are asked to make a long-term commitment.  The children do not lose their original names or contact and connection with their original families.  It is not the same as foster care, because few parents whose kids are in the foster care system voluntarily gave over their care to the system, and instead., had their children removed from their care due to abuse or neglect or abandonment.  Parents can take custody of their children again, and often require support—money and other resources, and receive that, too. 

    One of the things that I want to point out to the group (not, specifically to you, m4kidz) is that while 143 million children is often quoted by those suggesting that it is our Christain duty to adopt, or at least to care for the orphans (usually means adopt), that figure is only an estimate. Its an estimate that they have obtained from UNICEF and the UN—although they rarely give credit. 

  There are important parts of the whole truth that are omitted.  The UN and UNICEF clearly state that this includes children who have lost one, but not both parents as well as children who are truly orphaned.  It includes children who are receiving care from relatives, neighbors who stepped in, or from strangers who were persuaded by relatives to raise those children.  It includes children who are too old to be legally adopted via international adoption according to our laws, with a large percentage of them too old to truly benefit from moving from one country to another (don’t speak the language, can’t benefit from education since they are so far behind AND lack language skills, not able to attach and adjust to life within a family, etc…).  Where we think young, adorable, needy kids, the reality is that the vast majority are unlike the images we have.  Many live in countries where international adoption is not allowed.  Many have medical conditions that would prevent them from being allowed into the USA or other countries.  There really and truly are not 143 million kids just waiting for adoptive families. 

Jane A Brown, MSW

Please read David Smolins article.  It will be challenging to read but I really recommend you read it.  Just read it with an open heart and mind.  Pray before you read it.  Ask God to show you why it has been presented to you at such a time as this.

Thank you all for your inputs on adoption. I do not longer think I will go this route. I did not want to be selfish by going the IVF route but it seems that is the best way to go because of all the issues we will have by trying to adopt.

Novemberrain103 this is most likely a good choice for your family if these issues seem to be overwhelming for you.  It is not selfish to do IVF and birth your own children.  I am sorry society has made you feel that it would be.  It is not selfish to desire to parent kids biologically related to us.

Jane,  thanks for your thoughtful reply.  I will read the articles that you recommended and research children’s villages.  I was not even aware that those existed.

As a mother, how did you decide that your internationally adopted children were better off with you than staying in their birth countries? (I hope that this is not too personal.  I am sincere in asking— not trying to be combative!)

Luvmykids, I think Jane adopted in the 70s.

I think we can consider her our wise elder statesman who has learnt many things over the subsequent years

I am taking my time reading through this thread and enjoying all the different perspectives being shared.  I have skimmed some at this point in an effort to keep from spending my whole afternoon on the computer so I apologize if I’m repeating something that’s already been said.  I’m especially looking forward to reading David Smolin’s article that you provided a link to EST, I’ve downloaded it so that I can be sure to go back to it.

The issue of being “called to” adopt is something that I have spent a lot of time thinking about after some earlier posts and I want to share some thoughts from that thread.  I don’t think it’s fair to dismiss as the “fantasies of a teenager” but can understand why it might be. 

I’m going to respond from my Christian perspective, since often the term “called to” something or the notion of something being “God’s plan” is common there.  It could certainly come from other faiths and I wouldn’t try to speak for even others of my own faith, just some thoughts based on mine since the concepts have been raised.
 
As background, I got pregnant once after not trying for long, had a miserable few months of pregnancy (very sick), had a miscarriage and a D&C, and quickly moved onto adoption after learning some things about my reproductive health during the process of being pregnant/the D&C.  Adoption was something we had always talked about (yes, even as teenagers when my husband and I first met) and I had never cared much about being pregnant just about being a mom (much the way others have described).  We chose domestic newborn adoption because we wanted to be able to know our child’s birth family and because we felt more “qualified” to parent a newborn than an older child at that point.  We planned to consider attempting pregnancy again later (which our son’s birth mom knew) but in the meantime I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease (Sine Scleroderma) and pregnancy just wasn’t worth the risks that would come with it so we adopted again.
 
I appreciate that the term “called to” can bring about a notion of doing something noble but in my own life I can say, that’s not what I mean by it.  Following what I sense are “God’s plans” for my life doesn’t mean I’m doing something extraordinary or special, it means that I’m being obedient to what I’m supposed to do, noble or boring, mediocre or interesting.  I believe that God knew that pregnancy wasn’t going to be the right route for me to become a mom and that my heart and mind were prepared for that fact throughout my life without me even realizing it.  I don’t believe that God “meant for” my sons’ birth families to be broken but I do believe that God knew that they would be and had a plan for my boys that included me.  Not because I rescued them or did some grand deed, just because that was His answer for what would happen to them when their first families felt completely unprepared to parent them and decided to make a different plan. 
 
I do appreciate the insights Jane and others have given here and in other threads, that a simple statement of “God meant for you to be my children” can be very hurtful to those who are adopted.  It’s really made me think about how to share the fact that I believe God intended for us to end up being a family (which does include relationships with their birth families) but that His heart is also broken for all of the losses that occurred.  It’s complicated and I’m grateful for the knowledge of adoptees potential perspectives on it.

I don’t believe I’m being dishonest about my motivation to adopt when I say that we adopted because we were “called to it” but understand that I need to be more complete in my answer including the health issues that brought about the specific timing etc.  I don’t see it as mystical or magical and don’t describe it that way to my children or others.
 
Lots of great issues have been raised here and I appreciate all of the thoughts everyone has shared.  It has really caused me to go back (again) and re-hash some things for myself about how we became a family and what that means to me and what it will mean to my sons as they get older.  One thing I know, I cannot imagine my life without my boys in it!  Not just children in general but my delightfully independent, hilarious, loving, spirited boys and I let them know that every chance I get.

I do not know whether others are still following this discussion, but I want to respond to luv my children’s question to me, none the less.  Since I have expressed such strong opinions about adoption, in general, and international adoption, specifically, its no wonder you are curious about whether and how I can justify having adopted internationally.  Yes, we DID adopt in the 70s.  Yes, that WAS prior to any inkling of any corruption, or cover-ups of birth parents being coerced, or before child trafficking was contributing to the huge numbers of children in orphanages, etc… and long before adult adoptees were finding their voices so that we could know, from the experts, what it meant to them to grow up adopted—usually transracially and to have been cut-off from their original country, culture, language, etc… Does that excuse us (me and my husband) for our being involved in a large movement that actually fed the problem at the same time that it offered a partial solution for individual children?  No.  While we did nothing that was intentionally wrong or hurtful, the fact remains that because we were one of the thousands of families eager to take a child because we wanted to become parents, COLLECTIVELY we, adoptive parents, created a market for the adoption industry. 

    My children—as INDIVIDUALS—have benefited in many ways from having been adopted, HOWEVER, they have also suffered losses that we—the COLLECTIVE we—are responsible for.  For ME, that imposes TREMENDOUS responsibility to know what has been lost to them, to acknowledge those losses, to validate their feelings, to recognizing that while we claimed/claim them as our children—they have every right and reason as adults to decide for themselves whether and to what extent they claim us, and most of all—to actively work to inform others of the HUMAN costs intertwined with international adoption and work to eradicate the conditions that have led to thousands upon thousands of children becoming available who might not have had to be separated from their original families and countries. 

    The fact that I/we had the opportunity to adopt because of our White Privilege and also because we happen to have been born in a first-world country has not been lost on me/us, and ALSO raises our awareness of the extra responsibility that that conveys.  We owe more than we can even imagine.

      Another thing that I want to express is that while our children benefited INDIVIDUALLY in many ways, their individuals stories are extremely complex ones—in ways that we and they worked hard to learn about over time.  Many MANY lies were told to them, and to us, and to their birth family members.  Those who are adults now are at an age to be able to give permission for us to tell parts of their stories—those parts that they wish to be shared because they want adoptive parents to become informed people.  (and by the way, I am horrified by some of the blogs I see in which adoptive parents share details of their kids’ lives that they really should NOT be sharing.  their kids are not adults—not old enough to understand what the implications are for them to be able TO give permission, prior to adulthood).

    Here are a few details—enough for you all to see some of the corruption that international adoption leads to:

  Two of our sons are siblings who arrived from Korea at the ages of 4 1/2 and 8 1/2.  We received many photos of them in the orphanage, and detailed reports of their activities, personality traits, behavior that were written by the orphanage staff.  They never spent a single DAY in an orphanage—we learned from them AND from their birth family, after placement.  The reason for their relinquishment was falsified.  Their family was not living in poverty.  Their relatives, in fact, have TWO homes, ELABORATE homes and sent our sons’ cousins to university in the USA.  There are other circumstances that I am not at liberty to divulge, but regardless, we will always wonder why the Korean social service staff did not work to keep those children in their family—did not try to persuade their relatives to help and instead, allowed them to pressure their birth mother to relinquish. 

      I took another of my sons back to Korea when he was a young adult, and we visited the orphanage in which he had been cared for.  He had inquired many times over the years, of staff who were there when he was brought in as an infant and had worked with his mom (me) in staff meetings AND had visited our home several times, as to whether there was any more info that had not been shared in his original history report.  Shockingly, a social worker slipped and gave him a snippet of information that led to his learning that the entire document was an utter and complete lie.  One that had caused him tremendous pain and suffering.  After that, she cruelly told him that his birth mother would not wish to be found by a son who had not yet earned an advanced degree at university, married, and had borne a son!  He saw that for what it was—a cruel and very intentional strategy to shame him so as to protect the orphanage staff (not really his birth parents), because he knew (from me and other adult Korean adoptees) the new one-size-fits-all stories that are being inflicted on returning adoptees
is that their birth mothers were raped and they’d be too ashamed to want anything to do with the products of that act.  (it used to be that there is no available information because ALL of their orphanages had burned down, so that no records remained).  The Internet has made it possible for the adult adoptees to connect the dots—learn that they are being told the same stories—so that they now realize that they cannot trust what they are being told.  Nor should adoptive parents!

      Now let’s think about China—another country from which so very many children have come.  Why are adoptive parents so gullible that they believe that EVERY child—THEIR child included—became available because of the One Child Policy?  The fact that many to most were probably abandoned for
that reason, does NOT nullify the reality that some were trafficked, others had unmarried parents, others had parents who divorced and couldn’t remarry if they had a child already, others had mentally ill or addicted parents, and in some cases, government officials TOOK children away from their parents.  Why are parents of Chinese children so certain that their child was abandoned BY THEIR BIRTH PARENTS in whatever location the child was SUPPOSEDLY found in?  The location might be falsified.  Many children are left at the door of childless couples who decide not to keep and raise them and then are passed from home to home until the authorities take the child into custody and take them to an orphanage.  No one can be sure WHO has left an abandoned child, or why—unless they were there to see.  They MAY be able to find out whether or not their child was left in a particular place, IF they can meet the person who found them there.

  Initially, there were THOUSANDS of children receiving inadequate care in Chinese orphanages, and many died.  Others suffered irreparable harm because infants are very vulnerable to institutionalization and many are not resilient enough to recover, afterward.  International adoption DID meet the IMMEDIATE needs of these children, even though there are and will ever-after be negative repercussions, as well. 

    The adoptions brought in a LOT of money, and relieved the Chinese government of the problem of providing ongoing care, food, clothing, housing, medical care, etc… The money is supposed to be used to help the children who remain—children with severe special needs, school expenses, surgeries, and care of the elderly who share the social welfare institutes (orphanages) or did, early-on.  Lots of that money, however, went into people’s pockets.  And when the grateful adoptive parents started visiting China and the orphanages, they eagerly handed over lots more $$—thinking it would help the children, but instead, ended up in more pockets. That made it very appealing to find more and more kids TO place for adoption—and so the corruption began, as it always does in country after country.  No adoptive parent WANTS to contribute to that problem, but collectively, we DO. 

  —All of these things add up and should inform us that we know far less than we think that we do.  It adds up to inform us that we should not be making things up to tell our kids because we imagine/hope/think/were told whatever we believe about their pre-adoption history. 

    All of these things added up for ME to inform me that many of the things I hoped, believed, assumed might very well be untrue, and even more important—that I/we play a role, as adoptive parents, in why so many children have been adopted internationally—sometimes because they were made available for $$ and others made up lots of lies to help us think we were doing something that is oh-so-noble when that was far from the case. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

What has been said about being honest and speaking only what we know to be true is so important.  What these experiences say to me is not that every child’s history or adoption is a subject of lies.  It is that we all need to keep our eyes open and look closely at each situation to know what is the true situation, and when an adoption is in the best interest of a child.  It is not easy, but it is possible. If we assume that any adult or child’s experience MUST be replicated in all others we are doing a disservice to all those other children, as we are NOT listening or open to seeing their own true situation.

Also if there is such a trafficking business in China, why is there now an 8 year wait for healthy children? It would seem to me that a huge part of the blame and corruption Jane has found in China has to be laid at the feet of the Chinese and Korean people themselves. Common attitudes which stigmatize girls,as well as policies that restrict and penalize parents for having more than one child or having a child if unwed are very much at the root.  If these were not in place, parents could openly leave children at the orphanages and the subterfuge and lies would not be so common or easy to perpetuate.

Happy Camper,

    A few thoughts: 

Are the Koreans and Chinese governments and their people responsible? They bear part of the responsibility.  However, the true problem is the $$.  Whenever international adoption starts up with the intent of preventing death, abuse, severe neglect, etc… it nearly immediately also starts us down another path to child trafficking, coercion of poor mothers, etc.. which difficult for governments to catch and stop. American adoption agencies have a LOT of responsibility for this.  They put their energy and efforts into marketing—competing with one another for the $$ brought in when people sign on to adopt.  They do not check and check and check again on those who supply the children, then claim to have not had any way to find out that they were engaging in unethical practices, when that is not true and they have often had LOTS of indications that this is happening, but turn a blind eye lest the $$ flow stop.  How can parents figure this out on their own?  Unfortunately, they really cannot do so.  However, they CAN avoid those programs which do not involve Hague countries, they can RUN when they hear rumors of possible child-trafficking or other illicit ways of procuring children, etc… They can also lean on OUR government to give aid, and not only to those countries that have something they want in return.  One of the most disgusting things to me is that Haiti is just a short distance from the US, and is THE poorest country in the world—one that suffered unthinkable devastation, and is STILL reeling from the effects of that—but has been all but forgotten, and really never got much help from the US (except from private donors, charitable organizations, celebrity events, private corporations). 

      Yes, there are human rights violations in many countries that the US government should stand against.  They don’t, or they don’t do so firmly enough, because of politics—they fear losing out on trade, risking business deals for major corporations who are making money hand over fist and risking that our technological and intellectual property will be stolen—so they soft-pedal anything that they DO say. 

      Please don’t infer that its a case of IF child trafficking exists in China.  It is easy to google news reports from WITHIN China about this.  Plus our media has covered these discoveries, too.  Not just a few times—many times and over several years, now. 

    Why is there an 8 year wait for those wanting to adopt healthy, young children from China? There are several reasons for this.  There are fewer children being abandoned now that China has relaxed its family planning policy somewhat.  Although it is not legal, people ARE getting ultrasounds and abortions, so they CAN engage in sex selection (to the point where there is grave concern over the fact that there are not enough females and that is causing its share of crimes).  Third, China is allowing its own people to adopt.  Those who have birthed boys may now legally adopt a girl.  There are waiting lists IN China for healthy babies in many cities/provinces. 

      And we all need to be aware—when adopted kids grow up and realize what has been done to them and to their original parents and families—they get MAD!  There would be something wrong if they did NOT get mad.  AND they get mad at the lack of sensible regulations.  The USA takes more of the world’s children for the purpose of international adoption than ANY other country, and places A HUGE percentage more—all with the LEAST amount of regulation. 

    Those speaking out who live in European and Israeli and Australian and New Zealand and Canadian locations are telling us here, on these boards, that that is the way that it is. And it is very, very true.  Yes, folks pay LOTS of money. Yes, they fill out reams of paper forms.  Yes, they wait (but not as long as those in countries other than the USA).  But THE Number One criterion for adopting internationally is having enough $$$. 

      Adoption has become something unbelievably corrupt in the decades I’ve been involved in ways that I couldn’t have dreamed up—and that is true of domestic as well as international adoption. 

  Happy Camper, no one is arguing that a few examples demonstrate that EVERY adoption is full of lies, or that ALL adoptive parents are x, y, z.  However, the examples should shed light on how lies ARE embedded WAY too often.  Working in this field as I do, and in more than one country, and having firsthand experience over decades with LOTS of country programs, including the USA—I DO feel that I can honestly say that there is a LOT of corruption and I can point to FAR more than merely a few, isolated examples. Neither the adult adoptees, nor the few adoptive parents, nor me have used absolute terms to try to make the point that there is a lot of corruption or that money is the driving force behind adoption these days. 

    I, too, wish that our system did not allow for private agencies and attorneys and facilitators to be handling adoptions.  I would like the assurance of knowing that REAL professionals (just because someone is a social worker/therapist/caseworker/attorney o does NOT mean that individuals have expert knowledge, experience, or training in adoption—far from it!) were making assessments.  I would LOVE to see $$ taken out of the picture.  (those preying on kids, women, and well-intentioned prospective parents would disappear).  The system would be better for it!  There is no reason why we CAN’T have that, except for the fact that all those who’ve been making so much money can lobby and incite their clients into lobbying—spreading lies to make them so fearful that they’ll never get a child, otherwise, that they will do WHATEVER their agency or attorney tells them to do.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

I posted this earlier in “Questioning Your Child’s Origins”

http://english.cri.cn/6909/2012/06/01/2941s703398.htm

“In 2011, police across the country (China) rescued 8,660 abducted children and 15,458 women after breaking up 3,195 human trafficking groups.”

I think Happy Camper is onto something, just have to put the horse out front before the cart.
“Also if there is such a trafficking business in China, why is there now an 8 year wait for healthy children?”
I think the eight year wait is the reason for the trafficking business. If there was no wait, there would be no profit in trafficking.

I do not think there is trafficking in China or the US or much of it.  Not enough to make me question the system or anyone’s motivation to adopt from those places.  I’m sure it does happen in some places, but since we know our child’s birth family we do not have that concern.  I’m not trying to minimize human trafficking by any means but it just wasn’t a concern to us.

I also don’t think of the whole “we wanted to rescue a child” in the context of domestic adoptions.  I can see how some people would feel that way for certain types of international adoptions, but ultimately we all end up in the same place… with a baby or child in our arms that we love as if they were born to us.

In the end the stories are all the same.  God had a plan for us and now we are together.

Genevieves mom.  You are taking a very simplistic view here.  That baby will grow up and learn about this.

Human-made problems result in children becoming available to be adopted.  Sometimes, part of the human-made problem is that those who could have helped birth parents choose a different option, simply by pointing them towards resources and people who could have helped them to parent, rather than leaving them to think that there was no way to solve their problems any other way.  At other times, social workers/case workers remove children from some families, but offer resources to others to help rehabilitate their family situations.  At still other times, workers make allowances for some parents who show some effort to remedy problem situations, but do not and remove children from other parents, even though they ARE making considerable effort to solve problems.  Race, by the way,  is often (but not always)  the culprit. (Too often, AA families and Native American families lose their children, while white families do not—over the same issues).  God is not at fault for this. 

      For those who wish to or do offer a religious reason to their children. why not simply say that: although your birth parents were not able to keep and raise you, God was holding you in His capable hands until a new family was found for you. 

      We wanted to parent children.  For whatever reason (name them if you know), that did not happen in the usual way—we did not become pregnant. (or, we had hoped to have a girl/boy and that did not happen).  So, we began to consider adoption.  We learned that it is an equally-first best way to become parents, and for a child to have a family.  God held US in His very capable hands, while we explored whether adoption was a good way for our family to grow. 

    There is a big difference between INTENT and IMPACT.  When I started this topic discussion, I was thinking of that difference—what adoptive parents often say, and how adopted children often “hear” and think/feel about that—especially as they mature and can think independently from their parents.  While some children grow up to believe exactly as their a-parents do, if raised in a particular religion, many others do NOT and what they DO think can cause them to feel alienated from the very parents who love them deeply and dearly.  Who only wanted the best for them.  Many of these parents were never given the opportunity to re-examine what they say (or intended to say) from a perspective other than their own (and from people who practice the same religion that they do, and so think just as they do).  It is always worth while to consider how those adopted often receive information in ways other than how their adoptive parents—who have no firsthand experience with growing up AS an adoptee—might “hear” what is said. 

      Many of the things I write about are not my own, original ideas, but are those I hear over and over, year after year—from adoptees of all ages.  Rather than being the source of light, I am merely the mirror—or try to be.  I share those reflections so that other adoptive parents can learn from my broad experiences and consider modifying how they would have parented, what they would have said so as to be more mindful of a more-typical adopted person’s
point of view.  (Note, too, that I do not pretend to speak for EVERY adopted person.  I do not KNOW every adopted person.  I respect that each of their life experiences is quite unique.  I respect, too, that there are some who hold an opposite viewpoint from the “some” or “most,” whom I encounter in my work.
However, I DO encounter a very broad cross-section of adoptees of all ages who participate in my program because they and their parents wish to normalize their experience, not because they, themselves, are “troubled” or “having problems,” which is what makes them the broad cross-section I speak/write about.  Since very very few people have the broad experience that I have, as an “outsider” (adoptive parent and adoption professional), who has the rare opportunity to observe the “insider” experience due to the work I do, I feel an obligation TO share that.  For the sake of adopted children, but ALSO for the sake of adoptive parents.  Sometimes that does not make me or my viewpoint observations very popular.  It makes me the target for those who want to think otherwise, just as many of the adult adoptees who generously share THEIR thoughts, experiences, beliefs, feelings, and observations are often categorized as “angry” and “dysfunctional,” so as to dismiss what they have to say. 

      For those of you who have become very angry over this thread, perhaps you ought to look deeper inside yourselves to figure out why.  Often, it is because something uncomfortable rang true that would be helpful to you to face up to, so that you can give your child the explanation that he/she will need to feel OK about having landed in your family. 
It is very telling when those of us write some/most/many/sometimes, etc… and you—as an individual—interpret that as our speaking of you, personally.  I know that everyone here knows that when I, or someone else writes “most,” you KNOW that that is very different from writing “all, ”  which WOULD mean that I/we are writing about you—no exceptions.  That is why I am suggesting that you look inward at why you are so angry, if you are.  If you are one of the few, to whom my “most” does not apply, then if there weren’t something that rang true, then it would more likely that you would just read that and say to yourselves that that doesn’t mean “me. She’s not writing about me.”

    The assumptions you are complaining that you dislike so much, and are telling us that you so often face in your personal life when others learn/guess that you have adopted,  do not come from me, arielifeoma.  They come from society-at-large, and I am merely stating the obvious—that others DO make those assumptions.  Again, I am acting as a mirror.  My purpose, in starting this topic of discussion, is to help you and others anticipate how your children might interpret your explanations to others, and to them. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

A few months ago it was asked on this forum why there are so many families and so few who choose to actively participate in discussions. It amazes me how the answer to that question can be missed when it is so obvious.

Arielifeoma:  I just wanted to address the bit about mystical/magical.  I did in fact use this myself when starting a thread in reply to another thread a while ago and did it specifically so as not to offend anyone who was religious.

The thread I had concerns about was this one because the story she gave her child did feel a bit like she was talking about the bmom being a “vessel” for the amom’s baby:

http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/3600/#reply-20001

I did have some thoughtful replies of the thread I started from members who said that when they said “God meant for us to be together”, they were talking more about God meant for their paths to cross after relinquishment (i.e. separating relinquishment from adoption) rather than meaning that God used the emom as a vessel so that the APs could have a baby.  I get the impression from your post that you were talking more the “paths crossing” than “vessel” version of “God meant for us to be together” but the problem can be there that when a child hears “God meant for us to be together”, they may interpret it as meaning that their BPs went through separation from their child for the sake of their APs, whether that is the intent or not.

Even in the “paths crossing” version, I still feel reluctant bringing God into it, mainly because one would want to make sure then that every single step of the adoption as totally above board and non-coercive and it is very hard to know what went on in the earlier stages, however hard one tries to be ethical.  For example, on another forum, I note an AP chose a specific agency because she felt they treated emoms well, which is very ethical of her; however, I also happen to know that the owner of that agency has multiple websites aimed towards women who aren’t necessarily considering adoption but just wanting to research options and resources; and her websites are coercive in the extreme.  This is bad enough when done by agency wbsites but it is very unethical when claiming to be presenting options in unbiased way to then sell one option over the other.  I do know that the vast majority of APs do try to be as ethical as possible, I just feel that the adoption industry is letting them down.  I know many online APs who have lamented how hard it is to find an agency that they believe to be truly ethical. 

As for being honest about motivations, there is nothing wrong with your child knowing that adoption may not have been one’s first choice - I think if a child asks their parents whether they adopted because they suffered from IF and the parent answers “yes, we do suffer from IF and we did turn to adoption but, darling, I couldn’t imagine life without you in it, I love you so much” (and perhaps telling the child what you love personally about her as a person), the child isn’t going to care about the fact that adoption wasn’t the first choice for their APs? 

What I will say though regards IF is that I do worry a bit sometimes when I read some adoption books for children that put the parents struggle to have a child at the forefront of the story because the child can end up thinking that their parents just wanted A child, any child and that they were the best compromise.  That is where again I feel that saying how much one loves one’s child for themselves and that one can’t imagine life without that one child (i.e. personalising the story) is the way to go.

The other reason for me personally be reluctant to bring God into the actual coming into the family story is that it means it can place expectations on the child.  They may feel that they can’t talk to their parents about any negative feelings that might have.  Before anyone says, “not all adoptees are bitter and twisted curmudgeons like you” lol, I just mean that ALL adopted children do have one thing in common and that is that they were born into one family and raised in another, thus having our nurture separated from our nature and we all have different ways at different times in our lives of dealing with that fact - often the easiest way is to “put a veil” over the nature and concentrating on the nurture side because that is all we know.  Sometimes we can feel like we are walking a tightrope but don’t say anything because we want to protect our parents because we feel they will take it personally if we have questions about anything.  I am fortunate that my amom never tried to dismiss the nature side and am thankful to her for that.  If anything, it has made our relationship stronger.

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