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BSE era closed adoption

Heard this story about family recent and would like aparents and adoptees to weigh in:

BSE adoption. Relative was adopted, which was never discussed and is well into adulthood now.
At some point (sorry about the lack of details but I just know what I was told) well into the girl-now-woman’s adulthood her first/natural/birth mother found her and called.
Amom told the other mom that her daughter didn’t know she was adopted (which I think is a fantasy as everyone else apparently knew and from what I understand most people who were adopted in these circumstances figure it out) and wouldn’t want to know you so go away and don’t ever call here or try to contact her again, and then hung up.
Reactions? (I’m not looking for anything specific, really want to know people’s honest reactions)


I’m an Amom and I would have no right to do what this woman did.  If I knew an Amom who did this I would tell her daughter.

Posted by C3 on Aug 21, 2017 at 1:29am

Some adoptees were never told (like some today aren’t told) but everyone else knew.  I think most were told, both my experience knowing other adoptees in real life, the sheer number of adoptees talking about being adopted, the historical documents from agencies about telling, the number of adoptees who have sought and received their OBC once a state has opened. 

Best guess, the adoptive mom is wildly insecure and told her that because it has become the most widely used rhetorical response to first mom’s who found but haven’t contacted their child.  The response goes: I wouldn’t contact her/him because you don’t know if they know they are adopted, think about the trauma you’d cause if they don’t know, think of the harm you could cause to the entire family…

Even today, adoptive parents can be insecure, whether the adoption is open or closed, the fear is irrational because you have a history with your child that should alleviate any concern.

Posted by Toa on Aug 21, 2017 at 1:13pm

I thought that I had a close adoption but he found me. It turned my world upside down. I never told my children cause it was close. Now half of my children won’t talk to me but I realize there is no closed adoption I felt that if he would have a terrible life or I could not raise my self. Thanks for listening I looked all over for help in this on the web and books but my answer is no where

Posted by Starr on Aug 21, 2017 at 3:02pm

Thanks, Starr and To a. To a, I didn’t even think of the scenario you described.

Posted by Maryam on Aug 24, 2017 at 10:41pm

I am an Amom and think, like C3, that it would not be my decision to make whether my child and his birth parents are in contact.

Posted by EJH on Sep 16, 2018 at 4:58am

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