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BIO FAMILY VISITS??


So my daughters BM has informed me that her aunt and other family of her would like to start seeing my daughter, mind you I have not let my daughters BM see my daughter since we do not live in the same city. She has asked before but I don’t feel comfortable with that although I know she wouldn’t harm my daughter I just don’t think I want to allow her to talk or visit with her yet. Now back to my original question I don’t know how to feel about allowing my daughters biological family have visitations with her when this particular aunt is the one who called CPS and sent her away, she didn’t even take her in. Why now? Now that my daughter is 7 years old and has blossomed, she not the little 3 year old they last saw. I’m so confused about all this biological family visitation thing. Any suggestions on this???

Replies

If the child was being neglected or abused the aunt did the right thing calling CPS. There could be many reasons the aunt chose to not take her. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t love her.

I don’t know why now. You could ask.. When are you thinking a good time would be for your daughter to meet the bio family? I don’t, obviously know your daughter but there is no magic age.

Does your daughter know her story? Does she ask about birth family?

Would you feel more comfortable with picture exchange? face time on computer? Do you really want a closed adoption?

Posted by Regina on Sep 12, 2017 at 12:53pm

Like Regina, I don’t know the details but if you don’t think anyone would harm your daughter, it’s hard to see why you would keep her away from her biological family, which is actually just as much her family as yours is.
Think ahead to when she is grown, what will you tell her if she asks why you kept her away from her bmom and birth family when they wanted to see her?

Posted by Maryam on Sep 13, 2017 at 3:39pm

First let me say do what you feel is right for your daughter,if a letter or picture is what ur comfortable with right now,that’s your right as her mother. Some ppl here are not that supportive,ignore them.I come here for the few actually living the same situation as I am,for support n to vent, i ignore the rest. I also adopted my stepnephew out of messed up situation. Bm isn’t around n hasn’t seen my son,her choice,since he was a baby…I allow certain biofam around on my terms,but only ones I know are stable and safe for him.You are the Mother,and you call the shots here.Talk to your spouse and decide what you think is best. Open doesn’t mean they say jump,and you just do it.It can mean whatever you choose.However,i also try to think longterm,i dont want bm or anyone to ever come back in future n play the victim,so I always try to accommodate a lil so they can’t make me the bad guy later in life.Thats just me tho.gd luck n trust your gut.

Posted by birds nest on Sep 15, 2017 at 5:39pm

I am in that same situation, except I want my neice to meet her birth fathers family because she has half siblings. But if they turn out to be whack a doodle. I will take pics of them togeather and continue the relationship on skype or Facebook etc. Just so she knows her family. Or write letters. Kids, esp mixed race kids needs to know who they are and not think certain sides don’t like them. I would not set up constant visiting schedules with them because you have a life. But twice a year maybe? As for the aunt not taking her. She may not have been approved. Or choose not to raise her but could not bare to see the child suffer.

Posted by freckle face mama on Feb 08, 2018 at 8:00pm

while I dont know what lead to the aunt calling CPS or the particular family dynamics of your situation, I can speak as someone who has been in her shoes.

It is incredibly difficult to call CPS on someone you love. Its even harder when you know it may lead to you never seeing again the very child you are trying to protect. So many feelings of fear, guilt, love and betrayal can war inside you that many people who are in that position never report what they see, either choosing to live in denial about the abuse, choosing the welfare of the parent above that of the child or beliving that the parent will somehow pull themselves out on their own. Its an incredibly brave thing to call in abuse knowing it may lead to separation from the ones you love and harassment from those who disagree with your decision.

In my case I started reporting the severe neglect of my neice while she was an infant. At that point I was a college student with nearly zero income and a tiny rented room, there was no way I would have been able to pass a home study, but I belived that there where people in the family who would be able to step in. As time passed the parents drug addiction became worse and another baby was added to the mix. The variouse grand parents would take temporary custody as needed, but would always return the children to the parents at their request, and never seemed to be able to belive the things the parents were capable of or set boundaries to protect the children. I reported and reported but situation grew worse, and i was only allowed minimal contact with the children once it was realized that i had been calling CPS. Now that the kids are teens they have reached out to me, but they have been subjected to evey abuse you can name and both have very hard roads to travel if they wish to recover.

Be glad that you have a healthy thriving 7yr old. Be glad that your daughters aunt called CPS and saved her from a life of trauma. Be glad that the grandmother realized early she couldn’t parent your daughter the way that was necessary.  These things don’t mean they didnt love your daughter or can’t develop a healthy relationship with her now. 

Creating health boundaries with family can be hard especially with family connections you never thought that you would EVER have, but if the extended bio family is healthy forging bonds with them can go along way in healing for all involved.

Posted by AriaEli on Mar 20, 2018 at 8:37pm
Posted by AriaEli on Mar 20, 2018 at 8:37pm

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