Why were you mad at your daughter at all? I think your explanation to your friend was great, she likes her and she is comfortable around her. I don’t think being angry with her is fair though. There is no right or wrong way for your daughter to decide to tell people. You don’t want her to start feeling any shame in her adoption. If you scold her on her that you could cause her to stop talking about it at all and that isn’t healthy either. Maybe coming up with a plan on how to approach people. Or, if she seems ready then ask her how she feels about telling people now. It’s a beautiful thing and you want to share so maybe others who are feeling led to adopt can ask you questions. I am excited for you that maybe this is the time she is ready to completely open up with others.

What did your daughter say about the situation?  Did she seem embarrassed/angry/something else?  Perhaps you should explain to her that because of her actions, it is most likely that the others will find out.  I wonder if she needs to have a way to comfortably explain to others about her situation.  Do you think that her blurt was a way of letting you know that she is ready for others to know?

The mom is from the dance group my daughter is in, and a couple of weeks ago the teacher was saying how much our daughter is looks so much like her dad and made some comment if she had some sort of birthmark when she was born ( the mom thought people of a certain nationality had a birth mark) ..anyway at the time, I said no , no birthmark..but later talked to my daughter if she wanted to share that she was adopted - so apparently she remembered our conversation when she saw the other mom.. as for being angry with her at that moment- well, Im just being honest. We did sit down with her and help explain what is appropriate and how to share the information..

“We decided not to disclose she is adopted unless it comes up or until our daughter wants people to know…”

If you decided not to disclose she is adopted, you have already given out so many messages—“took your daughter into the room (what happened there?) “Let her know”—is that some ugly, dirty secret? She was 6 when you got her and now at 9 has things to say about it, and you are telling her that she shouldn’t “disclose” this information? Why wouldn’t you want the other mothers in the group to know that your daughter, adopted at age 6, was adopted, and why are you angry at your daughter for for just simply telling her truth? Weird? Awkward? for whom? Asking your daughter not to tell her truth? Only if you agree so that other mothers would like you? Asking the other mothers “not to tell?”
This is so sick.

It is hard to imagine being adopted at 6, totally conscious of the process and being told it was some big secret that she can tell when she is ready. Feels like a big burden for her… it should be a natural accepted this for her all around her. I think she is perhaps being healthy about it, sharing with people she likes.
I think the circumstances of the adoption are what may be confidential, like if her 1st mom did drugs or had a mental illness and couldn’t keep her. But just the fact that she is adopted… I am not sure that should be a secret.
I honestly am not sure and would get more info. Good luck!

“Perhaps you should explain to her that because of her actions, it is most likely that the others will find out. “

I hope that every nice person here who is considering adoption will read this and take it seriously. What is it that is so horrible that other people can’t find it out? and why is it that the burden is on the child? Explain to the child that it is because of HER actions “the others might find out?”
“Explain” to the adopted child that because of her actions, the others will “find out.” What will they find out? And what are the consequences for the child because of “her actions?” How horrible for an adopted child to live with the knowledge that because of their actions adoptive mom got embarrassed.

Of course I wrote that meaning that the daughter may not have wanted others to know about her adoptive status, as it is very personal.  And maybe she does want it to be known.  It really depends on the comfort level of those involved.  I know our son is selective with whom he wants to share the information, but in our small community most of our contacts do know that he was adopted.

To clarify, no, it is not a secret that our daughter is adopted, no she does not have a burden of keeping a secret..
We went to 3 months of foster care classes and have continued professional support and everyone has told us to let her decide who and when to tell. The professional advice we have recieved is that you would not introduce a child by birth and say ” this is my daughter and I gave birth to her, just as you would not say ” this is my daugher, we adopted her from cps..”-
It is her life story and she can share with whoever she wants, we dont feel it is our place to tell people- we did tell her teacher in school and others who may need to know- Have others given you advise to share your childs personal life story? Interesting comments-

I agree with your approach.  I just wondered if you might need to provide your daughter with help in expressing to others about her adoption—maybe the wording and timing and how to respond to others’ questions.

As an adoption therapist, I can assure you that you are giving your daughter the message that YOU are, for some reason, uncomfortable with and perhaps ashamed of having adopted.  Kids have exquisitely fine-tuned radar with which they constantly and continually “read” their parents’ unspoken attitudes, feelings, hopes, and vulnerabilities.  The advice you received is correct, to a point, because you would not be wise to broadcast, publicly, ANY personal detail of yoru lives.  But at the same time, you are living as though adoption is a shameful way to have become part of a family—something that is so stigmatized that you will not even reveal this to friends and neighbors and teachers—people who play a significant role in the lives of your child and family.  That is very different, and NOT what the social worker was advocating—I assure you!

      You MUST face the fact, too, that your daughter HAS now made it known that she does NOT want this kept secret any longer—in the only way she knew how to do that.  Kids should never never NEVER be burdened with the task of deciding when and who to tell.  Kids take their cues from their parents.  Please realize, this is a little girl who KNOWS that children can and do lose their families and the security of being part of a permanent family—for it has already happened to her, and she can remember that!  If she has ANY reason to suspect that you MIGHT feel uncomfortable with having the adoption disclosed to others, she can NOT risk saying openly to you that she wants others to know.  She will suppress her own needs in order to be loyal to you, in order to try to insure that she is pleasing you and doing what YOU want her to do.  She is striving to be a “too-good” little girl, so that you won’t stop liking/loving/approving of her and send her back!  But there has been an emotional toll on her for doing that, and she has finally let you know that by revealing this information in front of you to your friend! 

    I can’t urge you enough to seek counseling.  You have unresolved feelings that are going to affect your child, and her relationship with her—if you do not face them and overcome them.  Simply beginning to tell others won’t change that.  There is no shame in having a difficult time with the feelings and issues you have—that is WHY adoption is so stigmatized, even to this day, with so very many adoptive families around.  You can overcome some of your fears, worries, grief, and shame by working with a therapist, and I/we assure you that you will be much happier, and that will better insure the continuation of a close relationship with your daughter.  If you do not, my guess is that your daughter WILL act out and your happy family won’t stay happy, for much longer.  You are asking her to live a lie, which is, for her, Mission Impossible—to spare YOUR feelings.  That is not fair to her, and not healthy for you. 

Jane A. Brown, MSW

what Jane said.
“OMG! weird and awkward! “
For whom?

I have to wonder about your daughter’s intentions when you describe how she “plops down on my lap and says” hey, what ya doing? telling her I was adopted”?  And then “my daughter just as she came in, hopped right out of the room…”  To me that sounds as though perhaps she said what she did because she doesn’t want to keep being adopted a secret and then left again so suddenly because she was afraid she would get in trouble, which it sounds like she did get in trouble.  Honestly, if one of my kids plopped down on my lap and said that, I would think it was funny. It’s a great opportunity to laugh and say “that’s right honey, you were adopted” and give her a hug.  Then you can explain that actually you and the other lady were talking about something else while you cuddle with her on your lap until she feels like getting off.  The adoption of your daughter is something to feel relaxed and accepting of when it comes up.  It doesn’t need to come up all the time but if she says something like that, it requires a positive response, not a negative, mad, or embarrassed response.  So many people are curious about adoption or ignorant about adoption.  Your daughter provided a great opportunity to open up that conversation.  I am happy to answer questions about adoption from friends, family and acquaintances.  The specifics of the circumstances of my boys’ adoptions are private and only known by close family and friends.  But the general process I’m happy to educate people on if they ask.  People are generally well-intentioned when they ask about adoption.  This sounds like an excellent topic for discussion with the professional support you continue to receive.