Hi, we are going to be bringing our son home hopefully this summer…how old is your son?  I am worried about attaching as well, our son will probably be 20 months old.  How many people visited your son at once and how long did they stay for the visit?  I know it is going to be difficult to keep my family away at first!!!

My DH and I adopted a 20 month old boy domestically, but I think these ideas would apply for either domestic or international adoption.  We’ve had our son for 6 months now.  I highly recommend doing parent and tot swim lessons.  We took the class at our local YMCA, and it really promoted a sense of trust and bonding.  Plus he had a blast in the pool.  Mostly it was just singing in the water with us holding him.  If you haven’t the book “toddler adoption” I highly recommend it.  Our case worker said the most important thing was for us to be the only ones feeding, diapering, and putting to bed for several months.  We basically prepared for the worst case attachment scenario and ended up with a best case scenario.

I agree with PP but would add this - stay home from work as long as possible and try to avoid letting anyone hold or be affectionate with him or care for him for as LONG as possible. Our target was 6 months, but the real marker you are looking for is preferential clinging. The point at which he wants to come back to you after being held by someone else, looks for you, reaches for you, maybe even shows some apprehension around strangers etc. When he does that, you can feel confident that he understands that you are different from other adults.

A little off topic but I was wondering how the flight home was. My husband is very nervous about the long flight with a new little one. Any advice based on your recent trip?

I think the keeping family and friends away is really important. We had people stop by in the first few days to meet him, but just for 30 mins. I stay at home, and my husband used about 2 1/2 months FMLA. He wasn’t getting paid, but it was a small sacrifice to make to have that time together. We didn’t really have any attachment issues. Our son was 12 and a half months when we brought him home in October.
For the flight question…. it was a flight I wouldn’t want to do again, but it went way better than expected. It is a really long flight to begin with, and add a fussy toddler who only slept 2 hours tops. We flew Korean Air and they are awesome. The flight attendants would help carry him around. He has been walking since about 10 months, so he really had a hard time sitting still. There were a lot of families on our flight, so at some point everyone’s child had a meltdown, so you don’t feel so bad. I will say that on the way out to Korea, I watched 4 movies and the flight took forever. On the way home I watched no movies and it was the fastest, but very uncomfortable, 12 hours of my life. We didn’t know that you can spend another hour or two in immigration having paperwork filed once you get home, so be prepared for that.

We have adopted from Korea 3 times, in 2003, 2004, and 2007 and looking forward to traveling sometime next year for our 4th child. Spend as much time with your child as possible.  Although he may seem to be doing ok, the grieving period will come. Limit visits with friends/family and make sure that you and your spouse are doing ALL of the bathing, feeding, changing, etc. He needs to know that YOU are his parent and these things help in the bonding process otherwise he could be confused and scared. 6 months is realistic.  The more time you spend as a family, the better and faster he will bond to you.
Our flying experience has also been different each time. BE PREPARED. Bring toys, books, bottles, snacks (Gerber puffs are always a hit), tylenol for teething, extra clothes and diapers for accidents, etc.  Give the child something to eat or a bottle on take off and as you start to descend. This will help the ease discomfort in the ears. If your child is under 2 and you are going to have him/her as a “lap child”, ask for a “blocked seat” when you check in. If the flight is not full, most airlines will block a seat next to yours. This will give you more space to allow your child to sit and play in the seat, stand, etc.  Take the opportunity to walk up and down the aisles. If you can, try to get a non stop flight.

Thank you everyone! I am going back to work next week, which would be one month home. I wish we had he luxury to be the only one’s with him for 6 months but we do not. However, aside from daycare we are the only one’s holding him. We have rituals too. He is a VERY active 22 month boy who loves to be out and about and with people (His foster family told us this too). He seems to be adjusting but we will continue to focus on him every moment that we have.  He has formed a real attachment with my mother and she comes over often. Our social worked stated at this age if they have a strong connection that is good and to use it. This is the oldest our agency has seen Korean Adoptees come home, so we are all learning.

Our flight home was great with him! He slept both flights. We were lucky. We did a lot to transition him to our time clock too.

Our son is grieving but that will last awhile but we are just there for him. It is a learning process and we are doing the best. I wish one of us had 6 months to be the only one with him but that isn’t in our cards.

Thank you everyone! I am going back to work next week, which would be one month home. I wish we had he luxury to be the only one’s with him for 6 months but we do not. However, aside from daycare we are the only one’s holding him. We have rituals too. He is a VERY active 22 month boy who loves to be out and about and with people (His foster family told us this too). He seems to be adjusting but we will continue to focus on him every moment that we have.  He has formed a real attachment with my mother and she comes over often. Our social worked stated at this age if they have a strong connection that is good and to use it. This is the oldest our agency has seen Korean Adoptees come home, so we are all learning.

Our flight home was great with him! He slept both flights. We were lucky. We did a lot to transition him to our time clock too.

Our son is grieving but that will last awhile but we are just there for him. It is a learning process and we are doing the best. I wish one of us had 6 months to be the only one with him but that isn’t in our cards.