While I agree with you that it is up to the adoptee to decide their own relationships, maybe the word “real” should just be tabled altogether. It’s only purpose is to triangulate and cause, or maybe just express, divisiveness, and it puts an adoptee in a terrible position if he or she has to choose.
IMO, and this is just my opinion, the genetic father and the genetic mother who gave birth to the child are the natural parents, and the adoptive parents (assuming it was a legal, above-board adoption) are the adoptive parents and the legal parents. The adoptee can decide which, if any or all, are Mom and Dad.

I agree with you, Patsymae.  I would rather not use the word *real* at all.  I was just a bit sick of posts (not necessarily on here) where mostly APs (and sometimes BPs) feel the need to say *they* are the *real* parents. 

“The adoptee can decide which, if any or all, are Mom and Dad.”

As you say, the adoptee might decide to call both lots of parents Mom and Dad.  Then again, they might get married and call their in-laws Mom and Dad and not want to call either their adoptive or natural parents the above titles. 

Btw I call my APs mum and dad; my abrother calls his bmother mum and our amum by her first name.  If I had gotten to know my bmother, perhaps I might have also called her mum, who knows. 

I think in most cases when APs especially go on about being the *real* parents that it is mainly due to insecurity.

I always enjoy your posts “areyouserious”. I am an adoptive mom, who agrees with you sometimes… It’s all in how one looks at it… Currently my daughter calls her Birthmom by a nickname that her birth mom wanted her to call her. We have a very open adoption.
I also dislike the term real parents… We would never refer to a mom or dad who birthed their kids as their “real parents”.
People need to get over the fact that all adopted kids will have multiple parents. It’s part of who they are and when parents learn to embrace that, all parties can and will enjoy the journey.
I understand that not all adoptions are open or can have contact for one reason or another…
However, I am not sure how I would feel if my daughter choose to call me by my first name and her birth mom , by mom. I figure I will cross that bridge if we have to cross it

CMOC, I personally call my amum mum and even if I had also decided to call my bmom mum, it just means I would have called two women mum.  Because my bmom died young, reunion was not on the cards, thus because I never know her, I don’t refer to her as mum.  However, I do consider both amom and bmom to be my mothers. 

As for my abro, he has his own reasons for feeling as he does, which I won’t go into here.  The rest of us call our amum mum.

On a side note, I’ve never met any of my grandparents, either adoptive or biological - all my adoptive grandparents died before I was born, my biological grandparents died when I was 5 and 27 respectively.  As far as I know, my maternal bgrandparents didn’t know of my existence (I was born while my bmom was overseas in the 60s).  If you asked me which grandparents I feel more connected to, it is the biological ones.  I look like my bgrandmother and their blood is running through my veins.  If I had met any of my grandparents in either family, I might feel differently but as I’ve met none of them then I feel no specific loyalty to any of them.

I don’t like the term “real parents” either, but when someone asks me “did you find your real parents”, I then say, “both my natural parents and my adoptive parents are real”.  Both are Mom and Dad and they were comfortable with that, well, maybe not at first. My AMom was insecure, but got used to my reunion and realized I wasn’t going to leave her.

Because my adoptive parents were much older when they adopted me, my ADad’s parents had already passed on so I didn’t have grandparents from his side of the family. My AMom’s parents were alive while I was growing up and they were the only grandparents I knew.

There was so much agony in the 80s as to the term “natural parents” as many adoptive parents felt that they were unnatural. And Patsymae,  thank you for making that distinction. This doesn’t mean that adoptive parents are unatural, the term describes how the two sets are different. In regular conversation, I’d say “these are my parents” and introduce which set I was with at the time. If I was with boths sets, then I’d make the desctinction so the other people could know.

CMOC said, “People need to get over the fact that all adopted kids will have multiple parents. It’s part of who they are and when parents learn to embrace that, all parties can and will enjoy the journey.” This is so true. Kids of divorced and remarried parents have multiple parents as well.

It works when people have openminds. When I was growing up, a few of my aunts and uncles (adoptive family) had second spouses and children from both marriages. All the kids got along. The second spouses were still Aunts and Uncles, and if the first spouses were around, they were included in family gatherings too.

It can work this way in reunions with an adoptee and his or her natural family and adoptive family, if the two families are cooperative and caring about theone person they share: the adoptee!

I don’t think I could ever call either set of parents by their first names. Making the destinction as to whothey are, yes, but not addressing them that way in conversation.

I call the woman who gave me life “Mom”. I don’t call any of the others, anything or anytime.

I understand where you’re coming from ScottK.

Hi!  The term “real parents” is one that I personally don’t like, and that I think bothered me a lot as an adoptee.  I think it bothered me cumulatively and over time when people would ask things like if I knew or wanted to find my “real mother,” because while I understood what each person meant that said it (and that they didn’t mean to be derogatory), by implication it undermined my family.  I also feel that I have four “real parents,” and that is the actual reality for every adoptee, regardless of how they personally view and feel about their relationship with each parent and what they “claim” each parent to be to them.  I agree that it’s true that every adoptee feels differently about this, and that some consider their adoptive parents to be their “real parents” and others consider their birth parents to be their “real parents,” and there are others that consider both to be their “real parents” (as I do, and the areyouserious does).  It’s also true as Patsymae mentioned, that each adoptee can decide which of their four parents are “Mom and Dad” to them, and this is also different for each adoptee…some consider their adoptive parents to be their “Mom and Dad,” and some may consider just their birth parents to be “Mom and Dad,” and some consider both sets of parents as “Mom and Dad.”

I also personally dislike the term “natural parents,” because to me it implies a negative connotation toward adoptive parents (my mom and dad) as “not natural”.  I know that a couple of you shared that it is just a description, but I prefer the terms, “biological parents”, “birth parents,” or “first parents”.  I also don’t like the popular term “forever family” for a couple of reasons, one of which is because by implication then the child’s birth parents/family are not forever.  (I don’t like terms that by implication are negative toward the other set of parents or family, and feel that both should be respected as important in the adoptee’s life.) 
   
For me, I feel that I have four “real parents, “ (even though I have been reunited with just my birthmom, but have never met my birthfather), but my adoptive parents are my Mom and Dad because they raised me and the relationship that we shared because of that.  As an adult adoptee, I personally wouldn’t want to hurt any of my parents or make them feel bad because I have another set of parents in adoption, and feel protective of both my mothers who are a part of my life, and are both called “Grandma” by my children.  I call my birthmom by her first name,  (that is what she suggested that I call her when we reunited fifteen years ago and were talking about it).  I don’t think I would have felt comfortable calling my birthmom “Mom“ as my mom is the one who raised me, and am glad that she didn’t ask me to do that (she can be really understanding).  I also wouldn’t feel comfortable calling my Mom by her first name, as that would hurt her (my mom had shared with me how it meant a lot to her to be called “mommy,” and now I can understand what she meant).
   
In response to what CMOC shared about not being sure how she would feel if her daughter chose to call her by her first name and her birth mom , by mom… I can relate, and would honestly feel hurt if my daughters did that to me, and hope that doesn’t happen.  Areyouserious, is your mom okay with your brother calling her by her first name now?  (I know you didn’t want to share details about why your brother chose to do that, but I wondered if you were okay to share how your mom feels about that?)

Patsymae, I wanted to ask… are you an adoptee, also?  (I wasn’t sure)  It’s okay of course if you don’t want to share if you are or not, or what your connection/interest in adoption is.

Hugs to all,
Kris

Kris, how come you changed your name? 

I’m thinking of doing that myself actually.

I’ll give a short answer to your question though will delete it within a couple of days:

My brother has schizophrenia and, though well medicated and mostly pretty together, does have issues related to his hospitalisation when young and does seem to resent both APs.  Btw despite them reuniting 20 years ago, I’ve never met her (though I know her name).  I don’t think she is thrilled that he calls her by her first name, however, I am unsure if she knows that he calls or called his bmom mum (actually, I haven’t spoken to him recently about is bmom).  Anyway, she was happy to get a Mother’s Day present from him, which warmed her heart.

I have two moms and two dads.  They are both real people and both very real to me. 

When people ask are you talking about your real mom?  We end up laughing because it become apparent that there is not real answer to that question…. I have two real moms and two real dads.  The question is are you talking about the parents who raised you or the parents who gave birth to you and you have a relationship with now?  generally my friends know who I am referring to for some reason.  And I call both of them my mom.  As in my Mom just called and said xyz… or my mom just called and said ABC.  They are very different people.  If needed I now just say their first names.  My mom S or my mom J.

I, too, get really irate when I read some post or article by someone who does not even know me telling adoptees who their “real” parents are. I am certainly old enough to make this decision for myself. The short test, for me, is who among my various parental choices has loved me unconditionally, as a parent should. That actually leaves me with one parent. Fortunately, she is the only one of the four still alive, so I get some extra, uninterrupted,  time to enjoy finally feeling like someone’s “real” child. And, yes, she is the woman who gave birth to me.

Hi areyouserious,

I changed my screen name because I decided that I wanted to change it to go by just my first name, but it was taken (and think it was when I had registered).  I also have liked the cute names that some of the adoptive mommies had for their screen names, and chose one with a special meaning to me.  Were you thinking of changing your screen name to your first name like most of the other adoptees (it would be nice to know your first name)!

Thanks for sharing about your brother with me, I’m sorry for what he has experienced.  (That’s nice that he gave your mom a gift for Mother’s Day, and that it made her feel good.)  My abrother has not been reunited with his birthmother and is curious, but does not want to search and is hesitant about beginning a relationship.  I don’t know if my reunion/relationship with my birthmom and birth family has to do with his hesitancy or not, I think it is probably a part of it x (at least in how it had affected our mom).  Mine was so emotional and overwhelming in the beginning few years, I wasn’t ready for it and it took me time to process it and was hard for me (my birthmom found me).  The reunion was hard for several of my adoptive/birth family members too, but we all have a good relationship now…my family has met my birthmom, and my mom/birthmom are friends.  (My dad passed away before I reunited)

Did you have your reunion first, or did your abrother?  It sounds like your reunion with your birth family has gone well, was it hard for you in the beginning?  How long have you been reunited with your birth family for?

Good morning all!  I saw this thread and thought I would chime in.

I guess the only term that I don’t like is the “birth” terms.  Some people grew up with it.  They don’t think much of using it, and that’s their deal.  I really don’t try to tell others what terms to use.  It aggravates me when someone tries to do that to me.  I try not to do it to others.

I was raised with the term “natural” parents.  My adoptive parents used that term.  I grew up using that term as the qualifier when I needed to distinguish between families in conversation.  I was an intern at the statehouse when my state chose to change the legal wording from “natural” to “biological” so I remember that debate.  The “birth” term was also considered at that time, but the decision was made to go with “biological” here.  I must be honest; I thought it was much ado about nothing. 

I do genealogy and in the old records (I’ve noticed this especially in French records), the term “natural” was used to describe a child who was born out of wedlock.  The child was either the legitimate child or the natural child.  So it wasn’t really considered a term to brag about. It was simply a more polite term than, uh, the other one they could have used.  And this term wasn’t from 60 or 70 years ago.  This term was used in the 18th century—long before modern adoption.  Strictly speaking, if there is an opposite to the natural parents, it would be the legitimate parents.  And so I don’t see what all the fuss was about.

I don’t use the term “biological” very often, although I will use it once in awhile.  It just seems cold to me.  And I do think “natural” is the kinder of all the terms that could be used to refer to my birth status, so I feel quite justified in continuing its use.  The only time I really get bothered by the other terms is when someone (especially someone who isn’t even a member of the triad yet) tells me to “get educated”.  That does provoke me just a tad.  ; )  Otherwise, I definitely acknowledge that the terms with which we are comfortable are most often the terms with which we were raised.  And that’s only to be expected.

The reason I don’t like the “birth” term is because when I hear that, I feel as if it’s birth and then it’s done.  I don’t care for that implication.  But I wasn’t raised with that term.  I don’t think I heard it at all until I was in my mid-20s and already reunited with my natural parents.  It’s very much a foreign term to me.

As for the “real” parents, well, they’re all real on paper.  My paperwork really says that I have a mother and father, then it really changes to say I have a different mother and father.  I guess that does, indeed, make all four of them really my parents.  In conversation IRL, my first instinct is to call them all mom and dad.  When that gets confusing, I switch to calling them all by their first name.  I try to be as fair about it as possible, just as I am with any other family member.  It’s difficult and complicated, but hey, that’s the nature of adoption.