Advice on contacting birthmother.: U.S. Adoptive Families Adoption Group Discussion Topic

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Advice on contacting birthmother.

Posted by carrse8 to U.S. Adoptive Families on Apr 28, 2012 at 2:01am | 7 Comments | Post a reply

I was hoping for some advice on our situation. We adopted our daughter in 5-09 as a newborn from TX (we’re in IN) and have had a semi-open adoption with her BM ever since (send letters and photos once a year until age 18 through the agency). At first we were hestitant about a more contact, but now we are open to phone calls and include our number in each letter and tell her to call anytime. Unfortunately, in 3 years we have only heard from her BM one time and that was when she was 6 weeks old. BM called to make sure we were happy with her-which of course we said yes and that she had given us the most beautiful girl to raise. Also in the hospital, BM didn’t want to see, hold, or hear the baby. I truely think it was her way of letting go as easily as possible.

Now our dilemma-our agency ASA has sudden closed it doors so now I have no where to send letters and pics to. Even though our BM may not want phone contact, I always felt like maybe she liked getting those letters and pics once a year, just so she could see how the baby was doing. Our BM lived with her dad at the time our daughter was born. With her permission, he gave us their address and I still have it. They were very close and I know she still lives in the same city, but I don’t know if BM still lives with her dad. I still would like to send letters and pics, but I also don’t want to bother BM if it would be to hard for her. Our yearly letter is coming up. I have thought about sending the letter to her dad’s house addressed to BM and no return address on the envelope, that way her dad wouldn’t know it was from us (he had a very difficult time with adoption also and wanted to see baby in hospital, but BM said no). In the letter I would explain that the agency has closed and ask if she would like to still get letter and pics. We would include our address and phone #, and say to write or call us and give us her address and we would send them or even be open to other forms of communication.

Should we send a letter or just let it go until our daughter is 18 and can get access to adoption records (records will be going to state of TX to be stored)?

Replies

I would say send the letter! I think you have to at least try to continue to communicate with her. Also I think if your daughter ever questions you about why she doesn’t hear from her birth mother you can tell her you tried everything you possibly could!

Posted by Smartin3235 on Apr 28, 2012 at 2:12am

I would send the letter to the last known address and get a post office box. That allows her to respond without having to know any personal information.

Posted by Joanne0911 on Apr 28, 2012 at 2:52am

I would definitely send the letter and pics with the explanation about the adoption agency. I like the idea of a post office box for your contact. I would, however, include a return address (home or P.O. box) in case her father has moved or is no longer at that address. If you get the letter back, you know that unfortunately that address is no longer valid. But by sending the letter, you leave it up to her about whether she still wants contact or not.

Posted by sacohe on Apr 28, 2012 at 5:29am

Send the letter! Absolutely. Also, just because birth grandpa had a hard time with the adoption when the baby was born, doesn’t mean he’s against it now. You might be able to have a relationship with him, and that could very well benefit your child.

Posted by rredhead on Apr 28, 2012 at 6:15am

Send the letter. You have no guarantee of how things will turn out, but if you do nothing, you will risk losing the known form of contact you have now. We have been through this with both of our kids and it has been a rollercoaster.

Posted by jen4 on Apr 28, 2012 at 6:22pm

Thanks ladies for the advice! It definately helps to have a group that understands what we are going throught. Wish I would have found this group 5 years ago with our first adoption. We really wanted to write the letter also. I guess we were just scared of causing her to grieve and hurt again if she didn’t want to be contacted. But we will never know until we try, and for the sake of our daughter I definately think we should take a chance. And I never thought about a P.O. Box-definately think we will into that, at least at first.

Posted by carrse8 on Apr 29, 2012 at 3:11am

Hi! I think it’s a good idea too to write the letter and send it to your child’s birth grandfather’s house for his daughter, that way you are trying to honor the commitment that you made to your child’s birthmother to write/share pictures once a year with her. It also gives her the chance to let you know about what type/level of contact she would like at this point. I hope it goes well, and that she contacts you back soon.