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Advice need dealing with BM unrealistic expectations

We are looking for any advice the community may have regarding this situation.  We have an open relationship with our son’s BM (4 months old).  We spent 3 weeks together after the birth in her state before we went back to our state.  We told her that she would be welcome to come visit for Christmas.  Contact in the last months has been via texting and sharing photos.  She now brought up the topic of the Christmas visit, and she is assuming that 1) she will be staying with us (as opposed to hotel), and 2) we will be paying for her flight.
  We thought that it would be best to set some boundaries in the beginning, so we want to set the precedent of her staying with us during this first visit.  Her expectation that we pay for her flight is completely unexpected.  Any advice for how to have a productive conversation with BM about this?  Anyone have a similar situation and chose to pay/not pay?  Thank you!


that should read, “we *didn’t* want to set the precedent

Posted by cmac8050 on Oct 18, 2017 at 5:29pm

Is it a drivable situation???

Posted by astofko on Oct 18, 2017 at 5:38pm

Drive is probably 15 or more hours

Posted by cmac8050 on Oct 18, 2017 at 5:39pm

Can she afford to pay for her own flight? I know neither of my kids’ birthmothers could. I would have assumed you’d be paying for the flight, honestly. And if you want her to stay in a hotel, that’s more money - does she have it?

I don’t think her expectations are unrealistic. I think you guys are just on two completely different pages. You need to have a talk, possibly with an impartial third party involved, and get on the same page.

Posted by rredhead on Oct 18, 2017 at 5:51pm

Thank you for the reply rredhead.  This is exactly what I want to hear opinions on—I tried to edit out the word “unrealistic” because I realize the expectations may not be unrealistic just different.  For some reason the edit won’t go through.  Has anyone else out there done this for a first visit, ie pay for flight and stay at your house?

Posted by cmac8050 on Oct 18, 2017 at 5:59pm

I have a similarly open adoption. I would never have anticipated that we would pay for her flight or where she stayed when she first came to visit us. Our BM said she wanted to come for my daughter’s first birthday. We said we’d be happy to have her for the festivities. We talked about what we would do if she assumed she was staying with us, but, thankfully, we never had to have that conversation - she didn’t expect to stay with us, and she and her friend just road-tripped the 12 hour drive.

Do you have an agreement in place for annual visits? We do - we said (pre-birth) that we would visit them in their hometown annually (1-2 visits/year). If she had expected that we were paying for her visit, I would have said that would eliminate a visit to her simply based on our assumed financial commitment.

We have a great relationship with our BM and our BF (who are no longer together), but I would not want either staying in my house.

Posted by Sidney's Mom on Oct 18, 2017 at 8:02pm

You do a lot more than we do.  Our contract says one visit per year ... a yearly letter with pictures.  Thankfully our BM lives only an hour away so we usually drive to her hometown and we meet at a public place.  But we assumed a lot of financial responsibility before and after the birth for different things.  So if she were coming to us I would assume to pay for a flight and hotel room.

Posted by Rachael245 on Oct 19, 2017 at 11:43pm

my daughters birthfamily lives on the other side of the country. I plan to allow a visit one day, and assume I will have to pay for flight and hotel, and probably provide meals and hotels too. I can’t afford to pay for multiple trips, and I doubt she will ever be able to afford the trip at all, so it will probably be something we will only ever do once or twice.

Posted by rn4kidz on Oct 20, 2017 at 12:38am

When our bmom decides to visit which we are trying for a visit close to Christmas she pays her travel cost unless we are in the area and then we will pick her up. We do however allow her to stay with us. She usually stays a day or two at the most. I truly mean this in no disrespect but I do not see the harm in having the bmom pay for something when it comes to the visit. My husband and I in no way mind helping to make the visit happen but I think there should be some sort of responsibility on the bmom side also especially if she is working and able. In some situations I know that isn’t the case.

Posted by Veryblessedmama on Nov 04, 2017 at 12:38pm

We have 5 adopted children which two of them we adopted at birth through a private agency. Our adoptions are open. My sons birth mother lives in the same town as we the beginning I was very straight forward and honest about how I felt…she lives 15 minutes from my home…boundaries were set from day one but through the four years of our sons life we have all grown so extremely close…over those 4 years it went from sending having her at his birthday parties to now…she is a huge part of my family…she calls me mama bear…I watch my words with her closely due to the fact that I am a very forward straight up person and I would never want to hurt her in any way. On that same note we both talk very openly to one another ...I tell her if something she says or does bothers me….or if I think she is over stepping her bounds….it’s really extremely important to me that she is apart of our lives…not for her or myself but for this precious child she blessed us with…he deserves all the can have a very healthy relationship but honesty is a big part. It is not your responsibility to pay for a plane ticket or even let her stay with you if you are not comfortable..I would have a long talk with sons birth mother and I have such a wonderful relationship because we can talk..I think it is really important for both sides…our sons birth family is my family as well and we love them dearly…we have come so far in the 4years. We have pool parties together and have even vacationed together.. Just talk to her and talk from the heart…I sure she will understand.

Posted by Jkdean1030 on Nov 26, 2017 at 12:39am
Posted by Jkdean1030 on Nov 26, 2017 at 12:39am

I have such a wonderful relationship because we can talk… and easily understand each other…

Posted by Rebecca Palmer on Nov 29, 2017 at 1:35pm

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