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Advice for gifts/care package to birth mom


Hello- I’m new to this group. My husband and I have just been matched with a birth mother who is due in June. She has very few resources (was homeless so we are paying for her housing now).  I would like to send her a care package—which our adoption agency liaison says is a good idea—but I’d love your advice on what might be helpful to include.  We’re still getting to know her so we don’t know much about her likes and dislikes.  I also don’t want to cross any lines or seem like we’re trying to curry favor with her—but I admit that I’d like her to feel like we care about her and are invested in her.  Do we get her basic items (hygiene, clothes, food etc), or more “luxury” items (spa/body products), or maybe a little of both?  You may be able to tell I’m anxious about this smile  Thank you for your thoughts!

Replies

Hi - congratulations on your match! It’s a wonderful idea to send her a care package.

If you’re still getting to know her and perhaps speaking with her, you might want to let her know you’re thinking about her and would like the opportunity to pamper her a little. I think how you frame this is important so she doesn’t feel like it’s charity but more that it’s a reflection of how grateful you are to her and that her comfort is important to you.

Sorry that may not help you much. I hope others can share good ideas.

Posted by LeeLee on Nov 26, 2019 at 3:47am

Will you still care about her and want to pay for her housing and send her care packages after you have possession of her baby?

“but more that it’s a reflection of how grateful you are to her “—not the OP but a comment—and an apt one—why would you be “grateful” when this is a woman who is pregnant with her own child that in no way is yours just because you are “matched.” It’s an assumption that she has already relinquished. And if she is due in June you are talking about a homeless woman who is only about 2 months pregnant.

This pregnant woman is not your child’s “birth mom.” She is an expectant mother carrying her own child. She may or may not decide to allow you to adopt HER child. That will happen later.

Of course giving her stuff is currying favor. You are not her friend, you are someone who wants her child. Just don’t.

Posted by NoraT on Nov 27, 2019 at 6:34am

I understand NoraT’s concerns, but I don’t think a care package is a bad idea, especially if there are relatively inexpensive things that you know she needs. (if she has been homeless, she probably could use very basic things ). 

I do think you need to proceed with caution, though.  This woman is an expectant mom, not a birth mom, and she is considering adoption at a very early stage in her pregnancy.  Any woman who is considering placing a child for adoption has the right to change her mind, even if she has accepted support from a prospective adoptive family, but at this stage, this woman has not really had a chance to explore her options. You have to consider the very real possibility that she may change her mind.  You need to view anything you do to help her as simply that, helping someone in need, not as part of a contract.  Are you matched through an agency?  Have you discussed with the agency what will happen with you as a waiting family if, after a six month match, this woman decides to parent?  Are you able to absorb the loss of supporting this woman for six months, not as part of adoption expenses, but as just expenses? 

We have three children through adoption, and we had a few failed matches along the way.  We had two matches with expectant moms in early pregnancy; without going into details, one fell through, one did not.  That failed match was particularly difficult.  E-mom just stopped contacting us.  One of our failed matches was a baby born situation… the thing is, in adoption you just never know what is going to happen.  I know how exciting it is to think that you have found your match and you will soon be a parent, but that may not be the case here, and you need to understand that.  As a person who lived through the experience, I am trying to help you prepare for what may happen.  Again, I would proceed with caution.

Posted by jszmom on Dec 06, 2019 at 4:18pm

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