I think that would be fine to just let her know you respect her wishes at this time but if in the future she changes her mind your family would be open to that as well. let her know you are giving her whatever space she needs and if she ever changes her mind your still willing to have an open adoptoion….on her terms….. as little or as much as she wants…..

Speaking from a birth mother’s perspective, I don’t see anything wrong with letting her know that (what possibly could be) final thought.  A birth mother’s emotions are very hard to place and even she cannot always explain why she feels pain or distance at certain points in her life, and it truly is different from one woman to the next.

The wonderful family who adopted my son were also more open than I was. My first concern was always for his well being and adjustment..it was from the day I decided to place him, while I carried him inside my womb, and it continues to be 18 years later.

But, coupled with that also come the guarded emotions which seem to roll over you in waves throughout life’s years. Sometimes, I just want to slip away quietly and forget that my child is not in my arms. Sometimes I wish I could touch him and talk to him, as if he were as close, as my other two boys. I couldn’t be more happy that my child has had the wonderful life he deserves, yet still to this day, I cannot tell my story without weeping.

Never be afraid to communicate what NEEDS to be said. As long as there is respect and understanding for the other person, this will all work out beautifully.

Another option would be to ask her if she would like correspondence on your part, updating her with occasional pictures and letters/emails, and NOT to expect anything in return from her until she is ready to do so. 

What a beautiful and powerful testimony this child will have about how she has so many people in her life lovingly carving out a path fit for her precious feet to tread!

~Lynn (PS I have written a memoir about my experience, which may be of assistance to you in helping you understand this birth mother. I believe you can reach me through this thread, if you need to.)

Kayak4three,  thank you so much for sharing.  I too struggled when our son’s birthmom seperated from us for awhile.  Now we are facebook friends and I feel comforted by knowing she’s in our lives and available for him.  Does that make since?  I thank you for sharing your memoirs.  They are very eloquently written.

Thank you so much! I appreciate both of your opinions- again, I want to do what is best for my daughter but also be completely respectful of our birth mother. Right now she wants us to send letters and photos but I will take your advice and let her know in the next update that if she chooses in the future to have or want more then we are here and until then we will simply send the updates ...
Thank you so much for taking the time to give such wonderful advice and sharing your own feelings…

Well, as it turns out, a happy secure kid doesn’t need as much from a “friend of the family” as he does his own parents.

My son and I spent one day together when he was about 12 years old…the rest of the correspondence was long distance, although less than an hour away.

He is my Facebook friend, but other than the happy birthdays and the occasional (like a few times a year) encouragement through private mail, he doesn’t have a need for me in his life. Knowing he is that secure is one of the many things that brings me peace.

You are all your daughter is going to need. YOU are going to be enough.

Dear kayak4three,

THANK YOU! I think I needed to hear that- I think I am a pretty good mommy- not perfect- but who is? Also, given the circumstances- we HAVE to be enough- we are her parents. I know many people say that open adoption is the best option but sometimes it doesn’t work out the way you had hoped and it is heartening to hear of a child who is happy and well-adjusted with less contact as I think that this will be our case now…And I hope that our birth mom feels secure too knowing that our daughter is doing well through our letters and photos….Thank you again!!!

Mel,

Whatever your child does or doesn’t feel about her bparents is her reality, it is in no way a reflection on your parenting.  Sometimes the wish to know more or less can change throughout a persons life - eg an 18 year old boy may have no interest; a pregnant adoptee may wish to know more. 

I do worry about when people say that if your child feels secure in the family, they won’t have any interest in birthfamily because that puts pressure on both the adoptee and adoptive parents.  An adoptive parent might feel that their child’s unhappiness is their fault and that often isn’t the case.  I know an adoptive parent on another forum whose 2nd son has a lot of issues with how he feels about his birthfamily and the older one doesn’t.  She is one of the best APs on that site and her son’s feelings are in no way a reflection on her parenting.

In fact, things did improve when she listened to her son without invalidating him in any way.  Luckily things did improve with the bfamily but that was the icing on the cake, her son had initially felt better because his mum listened to him and didn’t invalidate his feelings in anyway shape or form. Even if things hadn’t improved with his bfamily, he did know that he had aparents who were prepared to listen to him.

I feel secure in my adoptive family but I also really love getting to know my bfamily - that is just who I am.

Getting to know my bfamily has helped me to learn more about myself which has helped my relationship with both families.  Not that I felt incomplete before but I have found that I’m really similar in personality to bfamily and even though my bmom has passed away, some of the things they have said are just so “me” lol. 

So the important thing is that whatever your child feels - listen to her and don’t invalidate her feelings in any way.  She is entitled to feel what she feels - she may feel nothing or she may feel something but that is her reality.

Btw I went to look at Kayaks profile.  Because I felt I’d read it somewhere before, I googled some of it and found this interesting blog by an adoptee:

http://www.almightydad.com/adoption/adoption-a-parenting-gauntlet

Btw I don’t think I had read Kayak’s story there, it must have been somewhere else - I’m still not sure where.

thank you so much for sharing all of this- it is true- in the end, this is really about how my daughter feels and making sure to listen to her as she gets older- her voice needs to be heard- so I will be mindful of her in this process- I just want to be respectful of her birth family and her feelings along the way….so I truly appreciate the thoughts and insights of birth mothers and adoptees- thank you!!!!!