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Adoptive Grandmother wants to be Facebook friends with Birthmother?

Posted by jenreadingal to Open Adoption Families on Apr 13, 2012 at 5:53pm | 20 Comments | Post a reply

My husband and I are in a beautiful, loving open adoption with our daughter’s birthmother & her parents. The birth family has always been very supportive of us & grateful to us for being so open with them (3-4 visits per year, emails/pictures all the time, facebook friends, etc.). We, in turn, could never have hoped or dreamed for such a wonderful birthfamily - so comfortable it is fun & easy to meet with them. That’s the background.
What I need help with - asking for feedback - is wondering about my mother’s desire to be Facebook friends with the birthmother. I need give you the backstory before anyone can help me with this question… My own parents were married as teenagers because they had just become parents. Before they decided to marry, though, my mother had already placed my oldest brother for adoption for about a month. Then they decided to marry & my mom was able to get my brother back. They NEVER talk about this, it was a shameful secret at the time & my mom has never let go of the shame. All of her children (my brothers & sisters and our spouses) know, but none of even her best friends know. Fast forward 35 years. My husband and I were so blessed to have been chosen to adopt our daughter almost 5 years ago. Since that time it has become evident that my mother loves our daughter, but she feels a strong connection to the rights, the emotional protection, of the birthmother of our daughter. She identifies with her, and in my own perspective as her daughter, it is borderline too much. She & my father (who always supports mom no matter if he began by agreeing with her or not) have always been the type of parents to ask me “Why didn’t you get an A+?” in a subject when I brought home an A. Similarly, though my husband & I have an extremely open adoption, are incredibly grateful to our birthmother, love her, never fail to send/give gifts, cards, notes to connect with her in all points of her life & our lives, & even though we celebrate our daughter’s birthdays together, and invite her to our daughter’s special performances, etc….even though we feel we are doing really, really well in this open adoption relationship, my parents do not acknowledge that and instead push us to be exactly like family instead of almost like family. Usually whatever they are pushing for (“have you invited ____ (the birthmother) to Bella’s (changed the name of our daughter for privacy) birthday party? Did you get ____ (the birthmother) a gift - her birthday is coming up?!” ) we have already taken care of, already thought of and they don’t need to tell remind us to be grateful all the time, but they do anyway even when we always reinforce that we have thought of all that, that we are extremely grateful, etc. They remind us, very unnecessarily, that the birthmother gave us the biggest gift of our lives & that she is so unselfish. Unnecessary I assure you! Another problem that we have with our parents being too intrusive in our adoption triad is my mother’s concern/interest in the emotional well-being of the birthmother. I feel like a jealous teenager (and maybe that is the problem, I don’t know) because her concern is never for me & how hard it is for me to be so open. We do it anyway because we ARE so grateful, because we do KNOW how much our daughter needs her birthmother, knowledge of her birthmother, and the contact & love of her birthmother. But sometimes it is still emotionally a little bit hard for us as adoptive parents. When I tell my parents this, they tell us that we are selfish & offer no empathy with the point that we are & do actively overcome what is, yes, a selfishness to want to have our daughter be just our daughter. Last year I began to not trust my mother regarding her supporting my husband & I emotionally. Last year I invited our daughter’s birthmother & birthgrandparents to a special stage performance as the finale to a year of lessons. My camera battery died right after the performance, and we still wanted pictures of our daughter with all the family that came that day (her cousins, aunts, uncles, us - her parents, etc.), so I asked my mom to take pictures. First on her agenda was to take photos of our daughter’s birthmom with our daughter. Which she did. And kept taking. Even after I told her “okay mom now please take some of us with her”. And then my mom remembered she had an appointment across town & left taking her new camera (which she would not entrust to me) with her. Later, when I got the photos, there were 12 photos of the birthmother & our daughter. There were a couple of our daughter with a cousin & an aunt. There was not one of my husband and I with our daughter in her cute little costume. Thankfully I did get one of us in a group from my brother-in-law on my husband’s side, but I was unbearably hurt by the fact that my own mother’s first priority was not to get me & my husband with our daughter at her very first stage performance. Her priority was the birthmother. I compare that behavior with the birthgrandmother - at our visits, she takes a million photos of her daughter (the birthmother) with our daughter. I am also a camera hound & I take a million photos of my daughter with her birthmother every time we’re together. To capture the love, so she’ll understand that she was always loved so very much. In fact, when my daughter was 2 I told my mom that I realized that because I always take all the pictures, I actually had literally 100’s of photos of our daughter w/ her birthmother and about 4 total of me with my daughter. My mother replied that I should always make sure I’m in the photo. Then this happened not quite 2 years later with the performance photos. I got up the nerve to try to speak plainly with my mother about my feelings about this & I told her that I thought she unconsciously was identifying perhaps too much with the birthmother & not enough with me & the emotional complexity that it takes to always share our daughter. My mother flew off the handle, got very hostile & told me that I may not criticize my mother. I told her that she did not need “to have the birthmother’s “back” that we are very loving of the birthmother & take care of her. I told her that the birthgrandmother also takes care of the birthmother and that similarly I need my mother to have “my back” emotionally. She still pretends to not know what I mean and to infer that I am dumbing myself down when I use that analogy (“having my back”) - never recognizing my direct request for her emotional support. My mother also asked for the birthmother’s address. I asked why she needed it - I could tell she didn’t want to reply to what she would consider an intrusive question, but she did finally say that she wanted to send her a card. I said, I am about to send her a card, why don’t I include your envelope with mine? She wouldn’t give it to me (even sealed!) & said she guessed she didn’t need to send it and said that my husband & I are very controlling. We said, yes we guess we are in this relationship - that someday maybe we wouldn’t be so cautious, but that we still want to be the point of direct initial contact with the birthmother. My mother didn’t reply. One year later, I have recently found out that my mom friend- requested the birthmother on facebook. One part of my brain says (she probably just wants to be able to say thank you to the birthmom on behalf of our whole family for the incredible gift that is our daughter). Another wounded part of me says (why is she doing this? None of the rest of our entire family has felt the need to be in contact beyond our “great big family” get-togethers (which are usually centered on our daughter’s birthdays). I should also mention that anytime in my childhood that I had a fight or disagreement with my friends, that my mother would never reassure me & in fact would take the stand of my friend. My mother has always treated me as if I were a mean-spirited aggressor & empathized with the argument’s opponent. It is pretty awful to never have a mother on your “side.” It is perhaps also pertinent that I found out my Mom corresponded privately with my highschool best friend all through college & into our early 20’s without telling me. Why was it a secret??! Another defining incident that has led to my lack of confidence in my mother’s support is that a couple of years ago when my sister-in-law & I had quite an explosive, terrible blow-out one day (of which I am not proud, but that is a whole story on its own) my mother immediately assumed that I was in the wrong and that I had hurt my sister-in-law’s feelings. I couldn’t believe it - she never asked & didn’t want to hear about my feelings & about how the explosive argument came about due to my sister-in-law’s extreme behavior. My Mother immediately called me, was not interested how the argument happened, or if my feelings were hurt as well, but told me that I should apologize immediately. I was 36 years old at the time! It is a pretty skewed relationship that as I’m typing this makes me realize how much more damaging than I’d ever thought it has been to have a mother that I don’t trust to support me with love. My husband has come to witness this convoluted behavior over the years & now he is cautious as well about allowing my mother to be in contact with the birthmother. My mother, as of yesterday, when I asked her to please not private message the birthmother, told me that I was a control freak and to “go fly a kite” and that I want “Nazi Gestapo control” of her & her communications. She then went on to say that my husband (a computer whiz) should just install spyware on her computer or maybe a keystroke monitor. She definitely over-reacted. But because she is my mother, a part of me still thinks - AM I being too controlling? I don’t know. I just know I’ve never heard of other adoptive grandmothers pushing on behalf of a birthmother so much (especially when it is obviously so unnecessary). I’ve never heard of adoptive extended families wanting to contact the birthmother outside of the adoptive parents who are already in very frequent communication. And I should mention that I’ve been soul-searching about this and I have to say that I would trust almost any other family members to communicate openly & freely with the birthmother if they wanted to. It is only my mother & perhaps my sister-in-law (mentioned above) that I question their intent/their motivation.
So I guess the feedback I am looking for is: 1) has anyone ever experienced a situation like this?, and 2) am I being too controlling of communication with the birthmother?
Thanks for any help & I am sorry to bring up so much very personal & emotional back-history.

Replies

my family is more likely to criticise me for comunicating with my son’s birthfamily.

Have you asked the birthfamily how they feel about all the contact from your mother? Everyone is different and have different feelings, personalities, life experiences. emotional needs. Your mom is seeing this situation from her filter of ’ it could have been me’ and how she couldn’t go through with it. She could have tremendous guilt too. Because now she is seeing her choice of ‘taking her baby back’ and raising her son after a month of living with someone else from another perspective. The more you care equals how much she hurt the couple who had her son(assuming he had been placed with someone). it sounds like this is just her personality too and you have dealt with your whole life. Can you move?

Posted by gqqfier15 on Apr 13, 2012 at 6:23pm

I think you have every right to establish boundaries about the contact with the birthmother. I can see this is a very emotionally charged topic for you, and I can understand that, based on what you have written. I know it sounds harsh, but I would put it to your mother very bluntly, that if anything goes wrong in the relationship with the birthmother and ends up harming YOUR daughter’s relationship in the process, it will be on her head!

Posted by tkc on Apr 13, 2012 at 6:26pm

From your posting, it’s obvious that you have a very complex relationship with your mother. It also sounds as though she has deep emotional issues related to giving up your brother for adoption. I think she probably would find therapy very useful. However, since you can’t make her go, I would suggest you seek out some kind of family counseling. It may help you to have an outside professional give you some perspective on your relationship with your mother and might help you to deal with her. She sounds rather domineering. I agree that you need to protect your daughter’s birth family from intrusive contacts. However, they can also decide what kind of boundaries they feel comfortable with. I’m not sure you can stop your mother from Facebook friending your daughters birth mom but the birth mom can decide if she wants to be FB friends or continue being FB friends if it gets to be too much. You might want to reach out to your BM and explain that your mother can be over the top and if the BM wants less contact, you would understand and not be offended. Your daughter’s BM might worry that she would be offending you if she drew back from contacts with your mother. It’s most important to maintain the already good relationship you have with your daughter’s birth family. But I really think that seeking out counseling would be very helpful.

Posted by sacohe on Apr 13, 2012 at 6:39pm

Thank you, qqqfier15 and tkc for your responses. I have often thought about how I would be a different person if I had moved away. We still think about it alot. But my sister & brothers live here too, and their children. And, as my daughter is an only child so far, she LOVES her cousins & sees them 3-4 x’s week and at least once on weekends. It would be so hard on her to move.
I probably do need to be very blunt with my mother. I absolutely dread it - sick to my stomach at the thought, because my mom never forgives & never forgets & uses emotional blackmail (basically she will distance herself unless & until I pretty much grovel an apology - which she will not return). It is a hard choice to make that I notice not one of us adult children has ever been able to/chosen to let our righteousness be more important than a relationship with her. It is so manipulative. But that is the choice I would have to make…
And I forgot to mention one other thing - My mom suggested when my daughter was 3 years old that my husband & I should write our wills and make the birthmother the guardian of our daughter in the event of our deaths…“because she deserves a chance!” I was shocked. I didn’t know what to say. My husband finally said, “....that’s not going to happen.” It was wierd. It is strange, right? Why wouldn’t she want one of my sisters or another member of the family to parent in the event of our deaths? We have not made a will but now I’m thinking we’d better go ahead & do that because I don’t want my mother to have influence on major decisions like that!

Posted by jenreadingal on Apr 13, 2012 at 6:47pm

Thank you sacohe, family therapy/counseling is a great idea. I am definitely going to suggest it & seek it out for myself even if mom will not agree to attend.
And I agree about reassuring the BM - that is a good idea! Thank you!

Posted by jenreadingal on Apr 13, 2012 at 6:51pm

I have heard many birthmom’s report while sad there is relief and happiness in knowing their children are well loved and cared for. They also enjoy seeing pictures of their children with the adoptive family.

Posted by gqqfier15 on Apr 13, 2012 at 7:08pm

I think a third party might be very helpful actually. Did you adopt through an agency? they often have counselors on staff just to help with post adoption issues. Yes, its been five years, but I bet they would help you anyway. (if you used a lawyer you could call them and ask them if there is a good adoption counselor they can refer you to.
I think you should talk to the counselor first- they may give you osme good language you can use that may penetrate to your mom.
I feel your pain. I have always been the kid who’s mom asked “what did you do?” if something went wrong. its really hard to have a mom that just doesnt support you. My sister and I talk about it alot and that its really sad to have mother in laws who love and support us more than our own mom. *sigh*
I feel you. Sending a big hug- you are not being unreasonable. I hate to say this but the birthfamily is YOUR family, not your moms. (it sounds weird but its true in terms of degrees of closeness)
You may want to also look into a birthmother support group for your mom. Maybe she needs to vent to other birthmoms (since she was one briefly) but maybe not your daughter’s birthmom…

Posted by Farmerjoan on Apr 13, 2012 at 7:09pm

I read your whole post. I have some blunt feedback that you can take or leave.

You need to put your own oxygen mask on before you help help the person sitting next to you. You are this child’s mother. You need to reaffirm that position in whatever way possible with your mother and anyone else who is blurring those lines. Birthmother gave her life and then gave her to you. Period.

You see your daughter’s birthmother A LOT in my opinion. Four times a year plus all the other communication is quite often. I would start scheduling visits without extended family and not on special all-inclusive family events. That will be better for you and for your daughter. Birthmother won’t care because she’ll get more one-on-one time with your daughter that is less diluted by other family members.

It’s really nice to have a supportive mother but there comes a time where you have to accept your deal in life. Your mom is probably not going to change. She has a history of meddling. You can only control your end of the deal. My favorite tactic to use on family members who are out of line is simply to see them less. Your mom will get the picture if you start taking a few more days than normal to return calls and if she suddenly isn’t the first person to get news or invitations to things. You really do have all the control in this situation. You need to better manage the way you handle your mom, the way you see her and the information she gets.

I wouldn’t ask her to unfriend birthmother at this point because what’s done is done and you’re not going to change this woman’s behavior.

This is just another reason why Facebook does more harm than good. Now I’m going to go and check my own facebook to see if my MIL friended our birthmother!

Posted by Genevieve's Mom on Apr 13, 2012 at 9:01pm

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. What I’m hearing is your mom identifying with your BMom too much. She needs to be told it is not about her. This is YOUR relationship. She must have unresolved issues about her own adoption/disruption with your brother; especially since it is a ‘secret’ from the rest of your family. It will be difficult but I would tell her how you honestly feel and that you fear being straightforward with her will make her cease communication with you. It’s hard to make others listen and truly hear. Wishing you better days ahead.

Posted by RhondaRay on Apr 13, 2012 at 9:07pm

One more thing… when you make out your will you can have a line added like, upon our death we want Bella to go to Sister and Brother-in-Law and NOT X, Y or Z people. Our lawyer advised us to do this because we want our children to go to our friends vs. any of our family members. That way if the will is challenged it’s stronger in court. Hopefully that makes sense.

Posted by Genevieve's Mom on Apr 13, 2012 at 9:08pm

I tend to agree with GM. What a confusing situation to have to be in. I feel for you but you do hold the power in this situation and need to put your foot down with your mom. This is exactly why us and our daughter’s birthmom mutually agreed *not* to be friends on Facebook. We felt like we had to draw the line somewhere and we both agreed that Facebook always causes more problems than not. I hope you get it all figured out in a way that’s best for you and your family. Thanks for sharing your story, It always helps to hear what others are going through with their families. Best of luck to you!

Posted by jellybeanqueen on Apr 13, 2012 at 10:22pm

Hi… I’m sorry for what you are going through with your mom. I am an adoptive mommy in a warm, caring open adoption also with our daughters� birthmother and older siblings (God blessed us with two precious daughters, and they are biological sisters). I am also an adoptee, so my mom is an adoptive mom too and my birthmom is also a part of my life. I struggle with sometimes feeling that they both don�t understand our open adoption (as I was adopted in a closed adoption) and also feel that way with other family members, which I think is more common to have happen than what you are experiencing. It�s nice to have a family member have a very positive and supportive attitude toward your child�s birthmother and your open adoption, but she needs to have a very positive and supportive attitude toward you, too… you are her daughter and you are the parents that your child’s birthmother chose for her.

I think she is letting what she did previously affect her thinking and attitudes, some of which is positive, (as birthmothers deserve empathy and respect for their courage and love for their children) but some of which is not being supportive of you her daughter also (her granddaughter�s mommy). If she is not being supportive of you and your husband also as her granddaughter�s parents, she is not supporting/nurturing the open adoption relationship that you and your daughter�s birthmother have together, and is not being a positive person to have be a part of your open adoption visits/special activities. Maybe she doesn�t realize that she is doing this and just thinks that she is especially advocating/thinking of your daughter�s birthmother because of understanding her role, and just needs to understand that by doing that but not making you feel supported too at the same time, can make you feel like she is favoring your daughter�s birthmother over you both. (However, helping her to see this from your point of view may not be easy if she is a difficult person to talk to and maybe others have shared some suggestions about how you could try to do this).

If you feel like your mom could hurt or undermine your good open adoption relationship with your daughter�s birthmom, it would be best for you to be there when your mom communicates with her, and so facebook probably wouldn�t be a good idea. It�s more important for you and your daughter�s birthmom to have a good relationship together, than for her and your mom to become friends. (We have some of our family that hasn�t met our daughters� birthmother yet, also because of not being sure what they might say�in our case it is because of being protective of her, and not wanting someone to say something that might hurt her feelings by accident)

Hugs,
Kris

Posted by twicethelove on Apr 14, 2012 at 6:01am

Everyone has given you really good advice so far. I personally would not be comfortable if my mother or mother-in-law friended my daughter’s birthmom on Facebook. I feel like that is somehow crossing a line. There are some things about our daughter’s birthparents that we choose to keep private - out of respect to her birthparents and out of respect to our daughter. The way that everything is ‘out there’ on Facebook would definitely change some of that in my opinion. I don’t know what the solution is - if she is already FB friends with your daughter’s birthmom, that’s tough.

I can see why your mom is supportive of your child’s birthmom; however, YOU are the person she should be considering first because you are her daughter. I’m not saying that she shouldn’t consider the feelings of your child’s birthmom, but it certainly seems like she is completely discounting your feelings and wishes.

I think you and your husband need to set up some boundaries - the sooner the better. I agree with the pp who mentioned getting together with your child’s birthmom without your side of the family present. We get together with everyone for our daughter’s birthday, but all other visits are done without my parents/sisters/other family members. I would probably limit the information you share with your mom as well.

One of the pp said they thought 4 visits a year was too much; I disagree. I think every situation and every open adoption is different. If it is what you want and what the birthmom wants, then it’s fine. We have 4+ visits a year with our daughter’s birthmom, and it works well for us.

I think you and your husband need to discuss boundaries with your mom. You are going to need to have some difficult conversations with her. You may need to back away from her a bit. It sounds like you are allowing her to manipulate you or have some form of ‘control’ over you. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship at this point. I agree with the pp that mentioned counseling might help.

I wish you all the best. I know it can be tough figuring out what’s the best for everyone in an open adoption. You need to think about your daughter, your daughter’s birthmom, and yourselves first and foremost.

Posted by wendyandsteve on Apr 14, 2012 at 4:48pm

My parents and my sister are facebook friends with both my daughter’s birthparents and I am facebook friends with her birthfather’s parents and her birth great grandmother. While my parents did ask me permission and the birthparents family asked them permission, when all was said and done the conversation was really between us and the birthparents. My birthmother wrote to pre-appologize should her grandma ever write anything inappropriate and I told her I wouldn’t worry about it if she didn’t take anything my parents wrote too seriously. We laughed and have enjoyed the comments our families write about each of our pictures. So far nothing to be concerned about.

It sounds like you have a similarly close relationship with your birthmother and I think a conversation with her simply telling her that you are having issues with your mom about her attitude toward birthmom. I would also share your mother’s secret if you haven’t already. Secrets cause problems and that understanding might help your birthmother both appreciate your mom’s actions toward her as well as give her the freedom to re-direct your mom’s concern back to you. Your mom doesn’t need to know you have shared the secret.

I wouldn’t try to change your mom. Yes if she would get therapy as suggested that would be great but from what you said it doesn’t sound likely. I have walked with friends who have similar relationships with their moms and they found freedom in learning to set boundaries. Don’t let your mom maintain an emotional hold on you. You will enjoy her more when you stop looking to her for support she will never give.

Posted by Isabelle's Mom on Apr 14, 2012 at 10:52pm

I don’t know if your mom’s behavior has to do with identifying with your daughter’s bmom or not. It sounds like your mother acts this way in other situations as well. I hope this doesn’t come off as sounding lecturing, but you may be looking for something from your mom that she isn’t capable of giving you. If so, some of your anger may be more about that disappointment than it is about her behavior. You’re right; ideally your mother would always “have your back” and be there to support you. Unfortunately, she’s not. If you keep expecting something different, you will keep being disappointed. Who else do you have in your life who you can turn to for that sort of support? If you find that elsewhere it may be easier to set boundaries with your mom and not expect things to change.

Posted by Ruth74 on Apr 16, 2012 at 3:00am

Hi Everyone! I really really appreciate everyone’s time & insight into my difficulty. Reading everyone’s comments has helped significantly. Talking with my husband about everyone’s comments has also helped. We are going through grieving right now since we just lost his mom & his insight was that, knowing my mom, we are not going to the be the ones to get her to change. We can only change how intrusive we let her be, our emotional reactions to her mistakes (because we all make them - not in the same ways of course but probably just as significantly), and try to preserve our wonderful relationship with the birthmother. To that end, I did send the BM a message & assured her that she would never offend me if she needed to pull back from facebook “friends” with my mom. The BM replied that it was no problem, & thanked me for the assurance. She said once again that she is so grateful for us, our openness. She & her boyfriend (soon to be husband) are thinking of moving out of state in a couple years & that thanks to our openness & willingness to visit, that doesn’t scare her anymore (like it used to even a few years ago) because she knows our daughter in is in a very loving family. And that is so true- I portrayed only the one (worst!) aspect of my mom here because it was troubling us so much. My mom has many wonderful aspects as well or she’d never have been able to establish such a loving family!
Family therapy for us would be such a great idea. Maybe when things calm down a bit I could suggest it or suggest she come with us to adoption support group meetings to help her understand the complexities of feelings in adoptions & to help her have insight into her own experience so many years ago.
Thank you again!

Posted by jenreadingal on Apr 16, 2012 at 5:53pm

Wow. I am sorry that your mom is throwing the pain she went through and never properly dealt with… now she is living through it with your daughter. Realize that you truely are doing the best with the birth mother, and you might even have to let the birth mother know about the situation if you have a close enough relationship. If she pulls away from your moms “control” it may help you in the long run.

Posted by Scott Kevin on Apr 16, 2012 at 11:47pm

posted by scottkevin
“Realize that you truely are doing the best with the birth mother, and you might even have to let the birth mother know about the situation if you have a close enough relationship.”

I think the OP has done that:

“To that end, I did send the BM a message & assured her that she would never offend me if she needed to pull back from facebook �friends� with my mom. The BM replied that it was no problem, & thanked me for the assurance”

Posted by katiesue on Apr 17, 2012 at 12:50am

Hi jenreadingal,

I just read both your original post, and your follow-up post in response to the many replies you’ve received. I have some feedback, and hope that you are not put off by my being straightforward with you.

Your mother’s problems have been—from your description—very long standing and impactful. Your father is not helpful, and instead, feeds this pattern because he does not stand up to any of the many things that she does or says. And although you are very concerned and upset about how she/they are affecting you and your relationship with your child’s birth mother, you cannot help but have learned to allow your parents to continue to do this to you, since you grew up in their home and have been regarded and treated as you have been throughout your life.

I cannot urge you enough to find an excellent therapist—one who is strong, competent, and direct (not all are—some are terrific listeners, but really don’t have the skills or personality to give you the tools to make the changes you need to make).

While the current problem is your mother’s competitiveness with you, so that she is taking over and dominating your relationship with your birth mother, the NEXT relationship she will undermine will be the one between you and your DAUGHTER. It will be all too easy for her to manipulate situations, intrude into conversations and interactions, and act as a wedge between you and your daughter, since there will be times when there is conflict and difference of opinion between you and your child. That is when your mother will become most toxic, if you do not learn the skills to stop this from happening now, while your daughter is still quite young, and before it becomes a rapidly-growing problem.

For now, I would urge you to take the advice offered earlier. To plan visits with your child’s birth mother separately from the family gatherings. To explain to your child’s birth mother that your mother has poor boundaries regarding her relationship with you and with the birth mother, and so you want her to un-friend her and keep the relationship strictly between herself and your daughter (and you and your husband), and not have further contact with your parents. (You MUST say this THAT firmly. You do not owe any more of an explanation than that. And I have little doubt that your daughter’s birth mother and her family will abide by your wishes).

You are going to need to inform your parents that you are making changes. I can’t urge you strongly enough to do so in writing, rather than face-to-face. You would feel awkward and nervous, and Mom would be all over that! She’d easily tear down your defenses, and she’d surely say some extremely hurtful and damaging things. If you write, instead, she can be as angry, hurtful and insulting as she needs to be, but you won’t be there. Any response to your letter should be screened by your husband, and you should probably inform your parents that he WILL be doing that. That let’s them know that in any future contacts, they will be respectful and kind, or you and your family will leave the scene.

In your letter, inform them that you won’t be discussing your relationship with the birth mother with them in the future, nor will you allow further contact between them and her and her family. Nor will you be willing to receive any more advice. From now on, the relationship is between your daughter and her birth mother only. And that you intend to have a Zero Tolerance policy about this!

Say less and not more. If she pesters you about why (and she will) or she insults and criticizes you (she will), merely say “what did I say,” occasionally, and NOTHING else. Take BACK your power—in other words. The more you explain or allow her to embroil you in a conversation/ argument, the more power she will keep over you, since she has a lifetime of practice at this! Your husband may and probably will need to step in firmly and tell her to cease and desist, lest you lose your willingness to have her be in your family’s life.

From then on, stick to the boundaries you set, and do NOT allow her to manipulate you into discussing anything more about the birth mother with you. You can and should say ONCE: “that’s a closed topic,” and leave it at that.

My guess is that you are going to have to demonstrate (and probably more than once), that you mean what you say. That your mom will not abide by the rules you’ve set and that she will say something about the birth mother or make a comment about how inadequate you are. You and your husband will need to—at that point—scoop up your daughter and without saying a single word—LEAVE. After a couple of these incidents, your mom will get the message and they will stop. Or, she will be unable to tolerate this and you’ll have to decide whether to continue contact or not. That is excrutiating-ly painful, but far healthier for you and your husband and child than to allow the dysfunctional interactions to continue. Especially as they surely WILL poison the relationship you have with your daughter, eventually.

I would NOT invite your mother into your therapy sessions! They are for you and your husband to work out how your mother has impacted you, and how you are going to interrupt this so that it won’t continue into the future. Or it WILL undermine your relationship with your daughter. If she wants and needs to see a therapist—great! But she needs to get her OWN therapist, and not intrude into your family, and your relationships. You will want to ask your therapist to help you set and keep boundaries with your parents and other family members, and you owe it to no one to discuss that with anyone other than your therapist and your husband.

I would urge you to plan visits with your parents somewhere other than your home for a while, until you have been in therapy and are getting a grasp of what to do and how to do it. It’d be too easy for your mother to find ways to snoop around and find photos, letters, e-mails, addresses and phone numbers—to try to re-establish the old problem-pattern.

It is also going to be important for you to disallow Mom from being alone with your daughter for some time into the future, until you have done some of the work you need to do with the therapist. To be sure, she WILL try to manipulate your daughter, and re-start her old patterns again. Expect this to also leak into relationships with others—your siblings, your other relatives, any of your friends whom she knows and can contact are potential targets.

You will want to stay calm, firm, and unbending. To simply keep your power and not engage in ANY conversation with Mom and Dad about the birth mother. Should they refuse to respect that, you could and should leave the scene. (You can tell them, in advance, that that IS what you will do.

Jane A. Brown, MSW

Posted by Jane Brown on Apr 17, 2012 at 6:01pm