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Adoption & Destiny
In a recent New York Times blog, titled
“Adoption, Destiny and Magical Thinking,”, the topic of adoptive parents believing that their child was “destined” to be theirs is discussed.
The author talked to adoption professionals who think that adoptive parents might “feel more motivated than birth parents to believe in fate. Narratives of destiny provide a sense of legitimacy.” By saying that the child is legitimately theirs, then it they feel entitled to be his/her parents.
The difficulties with this way of thinking is that may seem to minimize the hard decisions of the birth parents or the loss that the adoptee may feel.
Not all of the adoptive parents the author talked to felt that their adoption was “destined”. Instead, they believed that their child came to their family through an amazing alignment of coincidences.
The blog’s author also uncovered that many adoptive parents can look past, and sometimes are grateful for, the hardships, such as infertility, which led them to their choice to adopt. The parents believe that they had to go through those painful times in order to receive the child they did.
After reading the blog, what are your thoughts?
Do you tell others that you were “destined” to be your child’s parents?
Was it destiny? A divine intervention? Coincidences? Alignment of the stars?
If you chose adoption after infertility, do you now believe your infertility past was a necessary step toward parenthood?
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Replies
I was raised by my biological mother/family. Not an overly “religious” family but I was raised with the beliefs that there really are no coincidences and a strong belief in fate, karma, etc… Personally I think she did a good job. I was always taught and still believe in the “laws of the universe” and the energy you put out is what comes back to you. As a young boy I was told that “I” chose my family prior to coming into it. Now that I am an adoptive parent - have become aware of how some adoptees feel about being told they were “destined” to be their AP’s child and it discredits the biological parents with the very hard decisions and emotions that they went through. My son is only 8 months old now but I have had to really think about this “exact” issue. I would love to carry on the tradition of how I was raised and telling him that just like I was “destined” to be in my family so was he “destined” to be in his family… yet I dont want him to feel otherwise. The best that I can do is to tell him as he grows that “this is what I was told as a boy… and as you grow up you may feel the same way… but you will develope your own beliefs someday and those beliefs may be different than mine and I will love and respect you for whatever those beliefs may be… I may believe that you were “destined” to be my son… and you may think your dad is a bit wacky…(I thought this about my own mom at times).... but what ever it is I will always love you and you will always be my son… but… you are also somone elses child too.” I think that is the best I can do….so yes I would like to think that he was destined to be my son and that the universe and god/gods/godesses played a part in it.
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