God Bless Joyce for being honest to herself, her daughters and others. People should not judge, but support Joyce in her decision.  Potential parents of older orphans should be required to attend classes on the challenges and Blessings they may face with this group of special children.

I just adopted a 9 year old from China, and she has been a wonderful addition to our family. I think we are very lucky, and I thank God that our adoption is working out so well. I think Joyce is an incredibly strong person to do what was best for the girls and for herself. It is very difficult to adopt an older child, and I commend her for taking on this challenge. Joyce still has given the girls a chance for a better life than they would have had in an orphange. Sadly, the girls have been through far worse in their lives. My daughter tells me she was in 5 different foster families after being abandoned at age 5. These older adoptees have history and sometimes it is just impossible to meld that into a new environment. I really do think the stars have to align sometimes for any blended families to succeed. I wish Joyce the best in her life; she should always rememeber that even though her adoption did not succeed, the girls lives will.

I say this quietly and without condemnation to you for posting the question or to Maynard for doing what she did, because adoption is so complex: I am not interested in deciding whether what she did in her family’s situation was “right” or “wrong,” because I don’t know her and haven’t been following her blog, and I don’t know what her daughters’ needs are and how she was or was not able to meet those needs. We adopted a 14-year-old, and we have so far been unable to meet her needs, at least as she perceives them. Another family might have been able to meet them immediately, and maybe she would have been happy. I don’t know. But I do know that she has a second chance at life, now, regardless of whether she ever comes to tolerate us. The adoption and subsequent stress was worth it, even if we should at some point be able to find a more suitable family for this unhappy girl.

I am not in the business of judging anyone.

I am sad that people are not prepared for adopting older children (from wherever) who have had losses, trauma, and who knows what history.

People really need to do some research on issues that older children face and decide if they have the resources to parent them.

I am sure she is very sad.

Greetings to all who even take time to read the posts concerning disruption.  If you are truly considering older child adoption, I strongly suggest that you give serious attention to the experiences of others before you. Some families have very quick and smooth adoptions (so I’ve heard), and some have a quick and pain free labor and delivery too.  I have never heard of any human that has gone from infancy to adulthood with their kids and not wanted to run away and hide until the little darlings could be reasoned with!  We had boys first and they have two different personalities, ambitions, goals…but they have the same parents, home and upbringing. I wasn’t sure if I was going to survive their teen years, but we’re still here (they are now 23 &20;).  Our girls are 15, 10, and 9.  The oldest is our bio child and is just an absolute blessing.  She was dx with hydrocephalus in utero and had a very difficult start in life…her 1st 4 years were spent in and out of hospitals, therapists, drs ets….and we would do it all over again with absolutely no regrets because she is our child.  Our 10 y/o joined us from Russia in 2010 the day before her 9th birthday.  Her transition into family life went pretty smooth.  I remember frustrations and insecurities etc, but looking back….it’s all water under the bridge.  Our youngest (maloosh dotchka=baby girl) is also from Russia and she joined us the day after her 9th Bday.  This child was in the US for a summer trip with a potential parents and there were some behavior issues that made the family decide not to adopt her, but two other girls instead.  We had the “clearance” by Russia and current background checks ets., so we agreed to keep her for the remaining time and try to find her a forever home. It didn’t work the way we planned, but it went according to God’s plan instead   We lived with this child in our home for a week and got to see some of the “behavior” issues, but we did not know any background.  We fell in love with a little girl that was acting out because she didn’t how to deal with her emotions and anxieties.  Jump ahead almost 2 years and finally she is our child “officially”!  We had been told she was on 3 medications relating to anxiety/behavior/psych from the caregiver, but when they released her to us the orphanage director denied that she was on any meds and therefore had no meds to send her home with.  I’m sure you can see this scenario unfolding.  She appeared to be happy, but very manipulative as well in the first few days.  She wanted to sleep with me, so I witnessed the rocking, and headbanging on the pillow just to try and calm herself…when she asked to go to bed anyhow.  I couldn’t explain the nosebleeds that she got until the 4th day…when the “big meltdown” came. I have seen a lot of things in 20+ years as a FF/Paramedic, but I did not know what to do, or how I could help my daughter.  She was yelling and screaming one minute and then talking very low another, her eyes were looking thru me, she would go from rubbing and patting me and telling me she is sorry (in Russian) to trying to rip my hair out, trying to bite, hit and kick like a rabid animal.  I felt helpless to do anything with her when I had to wonder could this be possible, am I imagining it?  When other adults came around…she was able to walk away and redirect her negative energy until she was alone with me again.  I seriously thought this has to be RAD.  I expected some anxiety issues with her and some violence as we had to reestablish the parental boundry that she was sure to test all over again.  I was not prepared for the child to stand up and pee her pants in front of me and laugh in a psycotic manner, eating paper, and soap, and plastic, dump our our suitcases and go into our host families liquor cabinet and start drinking.  When she was hurting herself is when I felt so helpless, and I didn’t know how to make it stop.  I felt her pain and I ached for her so much, but I couldn’t make it go away.  There was a point when I had to walk out of our bedroom away from her and just cry, and cry to God…WHAT am I to do Lord?  Please Lord lead me, guide me, be my strength because I felt so defeated, lost and alone and Yes I was questioned if this child was His will for our family, or if I just thought that it was…because I wanted it to be.  Our host family “Mom” came downstairs for something and saw me just quietly sobbing in her kitchen.  She went and talked to our girl in Russian and told her to come and apologize.  She did as she was told, but the amazing thing was that when she hugged me, she just melted in my arms and sobbed every bit as much as I was.  She could feel the love that I had for her, and we just cried together and hugged and kissed.  I needed that moment and it empowered me to be the best advocate that I could be for her from that moment on.  With the help of our in country adoption “staff” (we were staying with part of their family) we were able to get 2 of the meds that she was taking in the orphanage….and finally her brain was able to rest and she slept for hours.  As horrible as that day/night was…I am very sure that our “bonding”  as questionable as it was, got a huge squirt of superglue that night!  We came back to Fl on Sat Dec 17th and I began calling around trying to find a Doctor, Therapist, neurologist….anybody that would help us help our daughter.  There have never been any more episodes like that 4th day, but the 1st month or so I had to be ready to jump into action if for any reason something scared her, made her mad or overstimulated her nervous system.  It was a month of intense learning for all of us, many hours spent through out the early days holding her arms and legs to prevent her from kicking and hitting me or the dogs.(she did not ever try to hurt the other girls when in one of her fits).  I would stay calm and basically ignore all that she said until she began to settle down and then I would continue to restrain her but now by holding her against me like a baby and rocking her on the loveseat until she was calm and relaxed.  I would always tell her that I love her very much and that I know she doesn’t want to act out like this.  It took 3 days of calling every doctor, mental health hospital, clinic etc that I could find in the phone book, from our HS agency, social worker etc to see her for an initial NON EMERGENCY psych eval. on her .  I was so upset by the lack of medical support available (and we don’t live in a little town) that finally I found a Dr.s name that appeared to be Russian and I called and asked them to please ask the Dr. if she would make an exception (she only treats adults) and just evaluate her so we could have some place to start.  She did see her 1x and then she was transferred to a child psych in the same office.  This child has made such remarkable improvement from that night of hell that it is nothing short of a Miracle!!!  Update at 3 months home…she is still adjusting to many “new” situations as they arise, but she goes to Sunday Service (2 hours) every week and is very well behaved, she is speaking 95% English, learning to read English, memorizing scripture, attends a Wed. night youth class (Faith Club), AWANA, goes horseback riding lessons every week along with her sisters, does not have any issues with violent outbursts, learned to ride a bike and to swim independantly, is only on 1 medicine now and on the lowest dose possibe!!!!!  Our God is an Awesome God and with Him all things are possible!!!  If you want to see our family please check out our BrowerBothHands page on Facebook…it is a win-win situation through Lifesong for Orphans where a bunch of us are going to do work on a widows home to fix some things & help her get some much needed repairs or improvements that she can not do, or afford on her own.  If we are blessed with any financial sponsorships while we do the work, or any donations…those funds will be applied directly toward the high amount of debt we incurred to be able to bring our Julia home!  Thank you and God Bless you all on your journeys.  Please don’t be scared….if you have a personal relationship with our Lord and Savior He does not want us to have a spirit of fear…give that to Him and talk to Him for the guidance to make the decision that He knows is best!

“The girls, who had a still-living father who was no longer able to care for them and older siblings back home, were forced to leave the entire world they knew back in 2010, and the transition did not go smoothly.”

That’s a surprise?

I agree with Bahama mama - Joyce was still able to give the girls a chance at finding love.

It’s hard not to judge - but, again I agree it’s not about being wrong or right - it’s just making the best decision for your family that you can.

No one walks into a marriage thinking it’s going to end in divorce? How often do adoption disruptions *know* that they most likely fail? I’m sure everyone involved did all they could do.

Most adoptive families are hearty people….they do the best they can and sometimes failing forward happens….
Ironically her grief reminds me of “bio moms” that give up their own children to adoption - some judge them - Many others offer support and tell them they did the right thing - is this a double standard?? Where is the support for adoptive parents that had a disruption?

There is risk in love…PERIOD - expectations and support can distort the best intentions.

We have three children and are in the process of adopting out of state ( sibling group)  - we have not had any children moved form our home or any adoption disruptions.
Adopting siblings - It’s a very hard thing to do, indeed. I have read everything I could possibly read about adoption. My husband and I are foster parents (6 yrs+), we are experienced but, nothing surprises me….we are risk takers and my drive to help others could be taken as a selfish desire to help the world be a better place - I have hope and believe that these stories of love & loss can not be purchased - they are unique and perfectly flawed.

I have never heard of Joyce before - But I do hope she finds the strength to heal and move through the experience in a therapeutic way - Adoption stories from all perspectives are very important to the history of how” it” operates - long term plan for her - albeit my guess is that since she has been graceful in digesting “her story” she will reach a unique audience that shares the same experience and that is where her power is, if she is willing to go there…her story should not be a story of disruption but one of migration…much like foster care…many children in the system migrate to us as a leap of many failures, successes, etc…we should not die on this hill and regard the failure to a lack of research or poor planning…perhaps Joyce had a lot to learn about herself and in the simple and complex ways we operate…we become more authentic as we are willing to take risks and share the outcomes - this is very valuable and should not be suffocated…I applaud her and hope she comes full circle to help others in her own footsteps….

As an example to the international adoption community - this is what you do when it just doesn’t work out - and what you don’t do is…. well we all know the story of the Russian boy who was sent back on the plane….