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Adoption Group: U.S. Foster Adoptive Families

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U.S. Foster Adoptive Families

U.S. Foster Adoptive Families

For parents of children adopted from U.S. foster care.

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  • rn4kidz
    timeline question

    sorry, i know i asked this once before, but i can’t find the discussion and anyway it’s been about 2 years so maybe i will get some new responses. so,…

  • pleatherd
    I am a birth mother who cannot find support

    I am sorry to join a group under false pretense.  I have been searching for years for articles, books or support at all that relates to me and my child.…

  • AngelinaMaryanna
    summer camps

    Does anyone know of summer camps for children who were adopted through foster care?  I am looking for a therapeutic and fun program for my son (age 8).  Thanks!

  • rn4kidz
    sibling groups

    I have a daughter , age 7, adopted from foster care a few years ago. I am looking to adopt again, and from time to time come across a sibling…

  • RADmom
    Just need to blow off some steam.

    I’m new to this group and I’m hoping that everyone will allow me to vent…...I’m struggling with my oldest child and I feel very defeated. Today I’m sad.  Not your normal sad ” but, a sad that I can’t say I have ever felt.  It’s like I’m living a totally different life than everyone around me.  I have a child with RAD.  And, I’ll be real honest, I don’t like what our lives have become because of this.  Our whole family is in turmoil.  We don’t know what is going to happen next.  I’m angry.  Angry at his birth mother (if you can even call her a mother), I’m angry at the system that continuously moved my son from home to home.  I’m angry at other (not all of them) foster parents that refused to help him ” he went through 12 homes in 3.5 years.  I’m angry at him because he can’t control his impulses. I’m angry at myself because I can’t fix him and because this has started to affect my family in negative ways.  I’m also angry at myself because I don’t understand RAD.  I’m angry at people in my life that don’t understand what our family of 4 is going through.  I have tried to explain it.  I have tried to show everyone what our everyday life is ” but, it isn’t enough.  I constantly hear how “hard” I am on my son and how I need to “let up” on him.  It’s not that my husband and I are hard on him.  It’s that he cannot function without CONSTANT guidance.  The moment we turn our backs and allow him to think freely we are faced with so many more issues.  He LOVES to destroy MY things.  He will hoard food in his room, he will draw on our walls, and he will do ANYTHING he can to just piss me off.  He may hurt himself with the decisions he makes while we are “going easy on him”.  Case in point…..He was irritated at me one day and was in “time-out” in our kitchen, I was in the living room.  I thought I could hear everything he was doing ” but, I didn’t.  He decided to grab ahold of one of my husband’s extremely sharp kitchen knives and…..Yep, he cut his finger.  I asked him why he did this.  I asked him if he knew that he wasn’t supposed to play with knives.  His answers were: Yes, I know I’m not supposed to play with knives.  And, I don’t know why I did it.  These two answers are his answers to EVERY question he is asked.  Why did you spray shaving cream all over my expensive makeup?  Why did you squirt baby oil all over our hardwood floors?  Why did you take and ENTIRE box of fruit snacks to your room and eat them all?  Why did you destroy your favorite (and probably most expensive) toys?  Why did you take a blank check to school and try to purchase a ton of books on a book order?  These questions are never ending.  And, the answers never change. Some people ask me why we don’t help him.  Really, WE don’t help him?  My husband and I have dedicated our lives to helping him.  Our weeks are so planned out it is ridiculous.  Monday and Tuesday ” pick up the house days (hardly ever gets done because he has some sort of lash out because I ask him to help around the house).  Wednesday nights ” therapy in home.  Thursdays ” I take 1.5 hours off work pick him and his brother up from school and go to Cedar Rapids for therapy.  Fridays ” daddy is home.  Family time which usually consists of an evening of terrible fights.  Saturday and Sunday ” farm/family days.  These days are unscheduled ” but, ran very rigidly.  He is able to run around the farm and do what he wants until he makes a poor decision that could result in someone getting hurt.  So, we DO try to help him.  It isn’t easy.  We constantly have to make choices based on how he is going to react to the situation.  And, if we make the wrong choice ” there are terrible tantrums and tear shedding like you wouldn’t believe.  I think we have gotten over the embarrassment of having a child that will have a complete melt down over not getting a $1 pack of gum. The other thing we hear is ” He is such a sweet kid.  I don’t believe that he does all of this.  Yes, he is an amazingly caring and sweet child…..When he wants to be.  He always worries if I have something to eat (I have a gluten allergy and he constantly is making sure there is something I can eat).  He gives some of the best hugs EVER!  He doesn’t like to make people feel bad.  He tries to always be “politically correct” and will apologize quickly if he isn’t.  We are CONSTANTLY told how well behaved our children are when we are out to eat.  All of these things are awesome.  Until, the spawn of the devil shows its scary face.  Once that happens ” watch out!  You would think the devil himself has risen from the depths of hell.  And, this switch can be flipped in a matter of milliseconds. Let’s not forget about his younger brother.  This poor kid gets to have his days ruined by his brother’s behavior.  And, he gets pulled into the mix a lot.  He is a follower.  When his brother misbehaves ” he misbehaves.  Not that his little brother is innocent ” but, he does A LOT of things that our oldest tells him to.  His older brother’s behavior is a huge issue for him too.  It affects everyone in our house.  It also affects our “extended” family.  I’m constantly needing sitters that I know I can count on and that can handle our oldest.  I usually resort to my nieces and nephews.  Then, they have to put up with the behaviors.  I have decided that, no matter what we do, our lives are going to be like this for a long time ” maybe even forever.  And, my family still has questions and we may never get answers.  How is he going to learn to function in society?  Is he ever going to be able to live on his own?  Is this really what my husband and I signed on for?  Why has God done this to us ” to him… all of us I guess?  Am I a bad mother ” is my husband a bad father?  Many people have told us that we aren’t bad parents ” and, I know we do everything we can to help him ” but, you still feel like a failure.  You still feel that there is more you can do for him.  Something you can do to magically make all of this go away.  But, there isn’t.  We are doing all we can.  We try EVERY treatment that is put in front of us.  We take every suggestion and try to make it work in our lives. I’m not going to lie ” I have been on an emotional rollercoaster for 3 weeks.  It seems that this child wants to see his mother go completely crazy.  No kidding here folks.  It almost seems that his behaviors are deliberate (even though I know they aren’t……I think……).  Thank you for reading!  It really helps to just unload my feelings.

  • lb
    foster to adopt

    Hi - Hoping someone could help me with my situation. My son (who I adopted from Vietnam) and I are a foster family since March of 2015. A baby girl…

  • carolrn
    New sibling

    My son is 8. He see’s his biological sisters age 9 and 10 (adopted through foster care by a different family) about every six weeks. They spend the weekend at…

  • My first Mother's Day and "Mother's Necklace"...mixed emotions

    I am coming up on my first Mother’s Day as a mom. Last year was bittersweet as we had just been matched but had yet to meet our little girl.…

  • View All Discussions »

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