The blog “Dark Emotions Post Adoption” gives a no-holds-barred peek into the conflicted emotions of an adoptive mother finally meeting her newborn daughter. The happiest day of my life, it turned out, was riddled with feelings of guilt, inadequacy, and resentment.

How did you feel immediately following the moment you first met your child? Was it what you expected or hoped?

The title “When I first laid eyes on you.”. Wow. It was an overwhelming swell of emotion. My heart was full. I couldn’t believe that he was our son, I was a mommy. I fell in love that very moment. We had met and visited w/the birthparents, so in that split second of ‘oh my’, I thought of them and how their emotions. I was sad for them, but also knew that from THEIR heart, they wanted to place their child and they had chosen us. I knew that in my heart this was the way I was meant to be a parent. I do have my moments of sadness, wondering what it would have been like to give birth, but it quickly vanishes when I look at my beautiful son and know he is ours - forever.

You make a great point about feeling that the birthparents’ heart wanted to have a loving and healthy home for the baby.  That would certainly give peace of mind in a difficult time.  I knew that was true in our situation too, but I think all of the emotions that I had bottled up for so long made the moment so much more difficult that it could have been.  I was much more guarded of my own heart and I wasn’t ready to open it to a baby even though it was exactly what I had worked for so many years to achieve.  It’s so interesting what happens when you get what you wished for!

Hi, we had 4 fall throughs during our adoption journey. When the doctor put Sophia in my arms, I was in a state of shock and worry… We loved her instantly and wanted her to be healthy and happy, but we were also worried about the signing the next day. It was a surreal blur, honestly. I just pretty much sat in the rocking chair with her in our room in shock. I was holding a baby… That was as far as we had gotten in our adoption journey… I was holding a baby. The next step was to see if we could keep her. Neither my husband or I really wanted to put her down for fear someone would take her. Her birthmother and family were all very sweet to us, they were reassuring prior to the signing and really happy for us afterwards. We really like them and we’re fortunate that her birthmother reassured us that we weren’t “taking her baby” that she was giving Sophia to us because she wasn’t ready to be a parent. So. We were thrilled, relieved, grateful, all of it.

We had a few failed placements as well, so I think I was as equally apprehensive as excited when our son (Keaton) was born. Keaton’s birth-mom is a wonderful woman, and I feel so fortunate that she invited me to room in with her and Keaton during their stay together in the hospital.  I held and cared for Keaton, of course, but I found that I spent a lot time helping his birth-mom too. Getting the nurse when needed, snagging another pop from the patient fridge, delivering out-of -hospital food (well, my husband did most of the food runs). Even night duty was more about allowing her to sleep than my enjoying Keaton. I think a large part of me was still in shock and it felt safer to concentrate on Keaton’s birth-mom…..if she decided to parent then I could know that I had made her first few days a bit easier, and I might feel that I hadn’t fallen too hard for a baby I would not ultimately parent.  I’m sure I was deluding myself, it would have hurt terribly.

I think the first time I really felt that Keaton was our son too was the night we took him home from the hospital (72 hours after birth). Like so many parents, we dressed him in a going home outfit in a state of awe and giddiness.  We were now totally responsible for him! And we thought he was so perfect!

After infertility and failed adoptions, I loved our daughter in an instant, and then doubted that love repeatedly until revocation was over.  I secretly kicked myself for feeling that for months to follow.  I knew I loved her, and that she was “meant to be” as cliche’ as that sounds, but couldn’t trust that it would work out.  The human heart is an amazing thing.  And I now wonder how through years of infertility, heartbreak, and waiting, we ever survived without our sweet girl’s mischievous, loving smile.  She is our everything.

Thank You for putting a voice to the feelings.

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