this is my first post here. that, in and of itself, feels kinda momentous. wow…i feel like i could write pages….pages about our own journey….pages in response the honest and brave things everyone else has posted.
we’ve been married for over 7 years…5 1/2 of those years, we’ve been tryin to get pregnant. we’ve gone to doctors, had a failed fertility tx, and still were never given a real diagnosis…it’s been a string of “well, everything looks more or less okay, it should work/we don’t know why it’s not working.” possibly the least helpful information we could be given. we’ve talked about adoption on and off for almost two years…then a few months ago, one of those friend-of-a-friend things came our way, and a very brave young woman wanted to give us her baby. long story short, that fell through. about a month ago, we decided we just needed to pursue adoption…some way, somehow…we need to have a family. yesterday, my husband and i had an interview w/the adoption agency and are now waitin for the social worker to call to set up an appt for the home study.
it’s crazy how some people give you more room to be honest than others…. very well-meaning friends say things like “if you still want to get pregnant, why not try another doctor? try another tx?” they ask things like that b/c they don’t know the devastation of countless negative pregnancy tests…or the toll it takes havin tests run and instruments probed here and there….to have your heart begin to hope for a few days…only for the waves to crash down yet again when you find you’re not pregnant.
even though we’re only in the very beginning stages of adoption, i keep findin that i’m surprised by the tumult of emotion still in me. i thought that so much of the weight and grief would fade away once we finally made the decision about which agency we’d use…but it didn’t. yesterday went so well. the agency we’re usin is run by a woman who has adopted two little girls herself…“adoption isn’t just a business here. we take it very personally.” our meeting w/this kind woman was encouraging and assuring and hopeful (words we haven’t used in a long, long time). we left grateful and glad…and then i wake up this mornin and find myself in tears w/in just a couple hours. again. more tears. we’ve now committed to an agency, but the weight and grief are here, too. i oscillate b/w sad and mad….and knowin that it’ll all be worth it when have our baby in our arms.
thank you….to everyone who posts here and to the magazine…for makin this kind of conversation possible….for those of us who live in small, rural towns, support groups are few and far b/w….readin others’ stories, others’ honesty helps brace this rickety floor beneath my heart…helps remind me we’re not the only ones on this road…i’m not the only one feelin this way.