Sign In to Add a Forum Post

NOTE: These forums exist for archival purposes only.
Please post any new, active discussion topics to the most appropriate corresponding adoption group

1 of 4
Conflicted Emotions
Posted: 29 October 2009 04:06 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  112

During the (long, hard) adoption process, did you - like me—feel guilty for any feelings of resentment, fear or anger? Were you able to share these less-than-rosy thoughts with anyone? If so, what was most cathartic and helpful for you?

Posted: 08 January 2010 04:41 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

I have definitely felt that way.  I’ve had 5 miscarriages and 4 pregnancies over the last 3 years, and now we’re in the “waiting” process to adopt a baby domestically.  My closest friend (well she was) at work is pregnant- I just found out 2 weeks ago.  This week, almost on a daily basis, she stands in hallway in front of my office (hers is next to mine) and talks to all the other Moms about the details of her pregnancy- from her perfect doctor’s appt. yesterday, to foods that she’s craving to the wait list at the daycare where we work.  It’s been an incredibly painful week for me.  I know that our baby is coming too- but I can’t help but be super angry that hers is coming by way of pregnancy and that she gets all the outward positive feedback and attention that comes along with pregnancy and that it isn’t happening that way for me.  So I’ve holed myself up in my office with the door closed and keep my Ipod on most of the day.  I feel guilty for being so angry and sad, and feel like I “should” be more excited and happy about my own impending Motherhood.  But at the moment, mine just doesn’t feel real—it’s almost like I’ve imagined it even though our Homestudy is completed and our Portfolio and letter are done.  Anyone else ever feel like this?

Posted: 15 January 2010 09:31 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  31

I’m so sorry about your miscarriage and pregnancy experiences, J Mac,  and that your work-environment has become painful for you. I often felt the same anger, frustration, and resentment. Blech. It’s like you are already feeling insecure because of the uncertainties of infertility and/or the adoption process, and then the anger, frustration and resentment make you feel petty, guilty, and even yuckier.

I can remember looking at baby clothes while shopping (masochistically, I never let myself buy anything) and feeling that the pregnant women in the same section of the store had so much more of a right to be there. Oh, and registering at ‘Babies R Us’  (under pressure from friends, we were matched and the birth was imminent),  or re-registering after our first (and second) match failed. Yuk. Nothing beat a trip to ‘Babies R Us’ to convince me that the expecting biological parents milling about town were happy and secure while I was neither. I most definitely felt both excluded, and isolated.

I found it difficult to share my less-than rosy thoughts with others who were not also in the process of adopting. Though friends and family really did want to support me , they often didn’t contribute to a good old fashioned catharsis as much as remind me of how irrational my thoughts were. I think some of my girlfriends, who all got pregnant at the drop of a hat, identified with the unjustly maligned pregnant women more than they could identify with me. Of course I knew I was being petty, I knew those women had a right to be happy or that they might also feel insecure because pregnancy can be scary, of course I knew ‘someday ’ I could be a mother too. I didn’t want my friends to reinforce the obvious. I guess I wanted them to be indignant and angry with me and on my behalf.

I have said the same in other posts, my sister-in law was WONDERFUL during our wait. I could call her anytime, irrational or calm, and she somehow always knew what to say.

Posted: 21 January 2010 08:51 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4

I’m going to guess that for the most part men don’t get on these forums and interact in any way. I can say that I’ve resisted the desire to do for quite some time. You’ll probably be surprise that I’m even posting in this topic. As I read about your situation in the office I couldn’t help but completely identify with the feels. Granted I know that as a man I of course wouldn’t experience the same thing as my wife, but emotionally I’ve struggled with the same feelings of anger and resentment.

There are a bunch of women in the cubes around mine and once that has give birth recently and I can’t stand to listen to them. And recently on of our IT guys that I’ve gotten to know a little just had his first child after years of infertility. For them the doctors were able to find an easy fix and they got pregnant right away. I’ve avoided any conversation of the topic with him and when their baby was born I couldn’t get myself to show any support and happiness for them. I too have spent many a days just keeping the iPod running so that I didn’t have to listen to people talk about the subject.

My wife and I had tried for the last 2 years to get pregnant, our first pregnancy, and miscarriage happened after a year of trying. We’ve miscarried twice this past year the last with twins. We have now been available to be chosen for domestic infant adoption for the past four weeks, though I still find it hard to let go of the desire to have a child through our own pregnancy. My wife is an amazing woman with a huge heart for children, and she has moved to just wanting to have a family, even if it’s not by her. I struggle with trying to figure out what my problem is and why I can’t be so open to all the options as my wife. Maybe I’m just stubborn. Although, I think I’m making some good progress as I was talking to my brother-in-law last week and felt I had to set him straight on my desire to show my adopted child that I honor their birth mother, and want to do everything I can to make sure that my child does not feel like someones mistake.

Well, it feels good to share some of this with someone. Thanks!

Posted: 22 January 2010 01:18 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

I too am so sorry for everyone’s losses.  We have had 3 miscarriages and then a full term stillbirth.  We were miraculously “gifted” with a birth mom who chose us after she heard about our loss, so we have a unique and “easy” adoption story.  I love my 2.5 year old son so absolutely, but now that we are trying again to get pregnant, I am experiencing so much sadness, anger, resentment, etc.
Like why couldn’t it have worked when I was pregnant and made it all the way to 40 weeks finally?  Why does it seem so easy for everyone else and why can’t it be easier for me?  Don’t I deserve it to be easier???
I feel so sad and even depressed at times and then I am not as grateful for the son I do have, who came to me so easily in the adoption world.  This is our last try so I am scared and grieving that I will never know a biological child, which I so desperately want to know.
Luckily there are other days when I feel accepting at some level and so much joy with my son and family.  Riding the roller coaster is so exhausting at times. 
I know that all our feelings and ways of coping are normal and ok.  I am just doing the best I can is my motto.  You are all doing the best you can and I am grateful you are there to listen to me.

Posted: 22 January 2010 03:01 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  31

tnolte and Dominique, I am truly sorry to hear of your losses. How could you not feel insecure and resentful from time to time?Our infertility diagnosis was pretty cut and dry, it just really wasn’t going to happen. And while this news was devastating at the time, I think the finality of it made it easier for us to move forward than if we had been able to achieve a pregnancy and lost a pregnancy.

I really didn’t mind not passing on our genetics ( believe me, no one should have to inherit my naturally messed up teeth or the seven years of orthodontics it took to fix them), but I did really want to experience pregnancy and healthy delivery.  I wanted all the warm fuzzies that tend to go along with a healthy pregnancy and delivery. I wanted the relatively quick 9 month wait duration, and I wanted to be able to influence the well-being of the baby by eating right and exercising and all that good stuff. Like you said, Dominique, I wanted it to be easier. And the adoption process really wasn’t easy for us (and it certainly wasn’t warm and fuzzy).

But all that being said, I am crazy in love with my son. While we were waiting, we tried to imagine what our family would look like , and it was so hard to picture. Now I can’t imagine a different baby. I can’t imagine not having a brown skinned child with tightly curled black hair, a combination my husband and I could not genetically create. I’m not attempting to dismiss the desire for a biological child, please don’t misunderstand. I guess I’m just trying to share that for us, even though our desires were once biological, they most certainly weren’t once we began parenting our son. Light at the end of the tunnel story I guess.

Posted: 22 January 2010 08:00 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  43

Hi, just want to give a shout-out to you all and say I feel like I am in the same boat. IF sucked (3 years, 7 IVFs, 1 m/c) and now adoption is taking f-o-r-e-v-e-r. It makes me want to scream. I have to avoid the “if only” thoughts… if only one of the IVFs worked we won’t be losing money each month advertising for domestic adoption, if only it worked we wouldn’t be living in this big house with just the 2 of us, etc. This February marks 2 years of advertising. We have had about 3 really good leads that fell through near the end, and a bunch of other calls that went nowhere. Some months, no calls. I work from home so I don’t have that workplace baby drama but of course I have friends with kids and babies—sometimes and some families don’t bother me, some do. I am not surprise a guy responded. My DH struggles with it, not to the extent (depth and duration) that I do but it is an issue in his life. Part of the hard part is we are all valiantly trudging on, to build a family but we are still mourning and grieving the loss of fertility.
Anyway, hang in there, everybody!

Posted: 27 January 2010 12:53 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

Wow!  I wrote this a few weeks ago, and hadn’t checked back recently and am so pleased to see that you all responded and have written in too.  I’m new to this blogging thing.  To the guy out there who responded, I think it’s awesome you’ll jump in here and say what you’re thinking about the situation.  My husband definitely has experienced the anger and the grief with each of our losses.  Luckily the women that my husband work with either don’t have kids yet or don’t talk about them incessantly, like the ladies in my office do.  It feels good to read and see that some of you have experienced some similar emotions that I am feeling/ have felt.  For ex., anger and not understanding why others can so easily have normal, healthy pregnancies, etc.  So far, the hardest part in all of this infertility/ adoption journey has been not knowing anyone currently going through it like we are.  I had a crappy therapist tell me once that 90% of people have no trouble and we just happened to be in the 10% with all the trouble.  Not helpful in the least bit.  We never went back to her.  All this to say, I am so relieved to find this blog and start conversations with you all. 

Oh- and to update you on the situation with Krista (my friend at work)—after thinking about it and talking to my therapist, I decided to talk to her (I initiated the conversation which was awkward but I felt good for sticking up for myself and doing it).  I told her that I was happy for her but the heavy pregnancy talk was super painful for me right now because I am grieving that I will not carry this child through pregnancy (we have completed our homestudy and are waiting).  I told her that I hoped that we could find some common topics to talk about during this time—new baby stuff.  She was understanding at the time but still continues to bring it up- and even sometimes (like today) in large groups so all the women in the office chime in with their detailed accounts of pregnancy/childbirth.  ARGH!  So today I just walked out of the room and put on my iPod.  I’m also grieving right now (like some of you mentioned) that I will not being able to breast feed, eat right, exercise, get the prenatal care that I want for my child, etc.  Plus a part of me is hurting that the child may not look like my husband and I.  However, did anyone see Blind Side?  I cried and cried through the pictures in the credits because even though it’s Hollywood - the pictures were REAL.  He was, without a doubt, their son—and an integral part of that family in everyway—and yet he looked nothing like them.  I was crying with relief and felt lifted up that I (and my husband and I) will have that child—our child—too someday (hopefully soon).  The one we can’t imagine living without.

Write more please!!!

1 of 4