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“Why Don’t You Just Adopt?”
Posted: 28 October 2009 07:40 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  25

One of the most annoying things ever when you are in the middle of the infertility war zone is the constant “Just Adopt.  My cousin adopted and blah blah…”  One of my favorite articles in Adoptive Families is an essay called, in fact, “Just Adopt” about how NOT helpful this comment is.  Has this happened to you? How do you respond??

Posted: 05 November 2009 05:33 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  13

Goodness, you have just struck my biggest pet peeve, insensitive comment!!!!!! I just got asked if we were “just going to adopt” a second child yesterday. Are you kidding me? Instead of ripping the lady’s head off, I politely told her that we had adopted Sophia (she didn’t know) and that there was no “just” in our adoption process. It took 22 months, we lost 4 babies and $6,000. Sophia is our one and only child and we are grateful for her every day. Then she got flustered and left. Thank God!

Everyone knows someone who has:
Been infertile, adopted and gotten pregnant later…
Adopted in less than a month…
A friend, sister, cousin, friend of a friend who adopted and they think it’s easy…

I handle this by answering questions about our adoption journey as honestly and concise as I can. If someone is trying to adopt, then I’ll go in to more detail if they ask. Heck! I just had a class on adoption at the post office the other day when the staff there asked questions about Sophia. I am proud to add the Adoptive Mom soap box to my collection of things I feel stronly about and I’m glad to educate others about adoption. Adoptive Families magazine had a good article about how to deal with people saying stupid things and what I took from it is, they just don’t know. It’s my responsibility as an adoptive Mom to teach them. If they say something stupid after that, it’s on them. smile


Posted: 05 November 2009 06:22 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4

We are having the opposite issue right now.  My husband and I started trying to get pregnant almost two years ago now.  To make a long story short we found out, through no help of my gyne, that my husband has issues… so we started researching adoption back in August of this year… we also did some research on IVF treatments and artificial insemination - we’ve talked to a lot of couples who have been through those processes and after many difficult tries and years gave up in tears opting at that point to move to adoption. 

Therefore we have made the decision to move right to adoption.  Also, my husband was born with some birth defects that were correctable but one of them caused him to make the decision two years ago to amputate his right leg below the knee - after having 34 surgeries on his leg.  Neither one of us wants him to be poked and proded any longer which is another determining factor in us moving right to adoption.  But we are getting not flak but questions thrown at us like, why wouldn’t you try to do everything you could to conceive your own child first?  Don’t you want to carry a baby and be pregnant and have all that goes with it…? 

We feel very strongly in our decision to move right to adoption… it is the right path for us just like the right path for many people is to exhaust all of themselves trying to get pregnant through modern science.  We want to be parents and it doesn’t matter to us if the child is not from our blood line - of course we certainly adored the idea of a little one who talked like my husband or had a temper like me… (especially when I did become preganant but then miscarried…)

For us there are so many reasons why adoption is OUR first option not our second or not our backup option… and I wish that some people could just understand that instead of thinking “we’re in a hurry and it’s taking to long” - please… do they actual listen to themselves when they speak?  Do you know how much is really involved in the adoption process and that it too can take a long time!  Probably in most cases MUCH longer than actually conceiving and giving birth to a child.

And I just love the fact that family members are more concerned about themselves instead of us during this process… never thinking about what we have gone through to get to this decision and what we will face.

Posted: 10 November 2009 05:52 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  13

Anniet74 - We got that flack a lot too - What we chose to say is that “We are choosing to grow our family through adoption and we appreciate your support.” Implying that they supported us. You could also say, we have always wanted to adopt and we’re pursuing that option now. The alternative is printing off copies of specific adoptive families articles and giving them out to friends and family to educate them!

Regarding talking like your husband and having your temper? In my research, the first 6 months of a baby’s life is all about nature, eat, sleep, etc. and the second 6 months is all about nurture. Your adopted child in the future might very well take on your personalities and mannerisms. Our friends have adopted children that have all of their quirks and funny expressions smile Best wishes!


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