We all want what’s best for the child, but the blog “Someday. But Not Today.” shows the sadness and disappointment that hopeful adoptive parents can’t help but feel after a potential birth mother decides to parent after all.

“Half Full” shows the resolve to keep counting our blessings. How did you honor your emotions after a ‘failed adoption,’ but still move forward hopefully?

Oh Renee, I just want to sit down and cry. I know this won’t help. But I also sit in awe of your courage to gather up your love, walk away from your job and follow after what matters to you. I honor the birthmother’s choice and wish that family the best. Yet, I can hold separately your loss and wish you renewed hope and healing. And a new job quickly! I have no wisdom here, no platitudes, but I’m going to continue to believe in happy endings for you and your child to come.

It breaks my heart to hear your story and relive those days myself. My husband and I tried every thing possible, with failed attempt, after failed attempt. We were disappointed by countless birth moms. Then people, smile and tell you it will be ok, or maybe it’s not meant to be! The truth be known, the worst was after a loss via invetro, I was told well you can try again! That foolish person, I just lost everything, a life, our son, our dreams and hopes!

It’s so darn hard to live and walk the adoption path and I can only tell you to never give up, believe and keep the prayers flowing. After four years of hell, our two most precious gifts were delivered. Our daughter will shorty be two and we will be celebrating our son’s first birthday.
My prayers are with you,
Rose

Beautiful post of resilience and optimism.

Excellent choice for Creme de la Creme, Renee!

Happy 2010.

Honor? Well, we more likely just tried to survive. We had 4 matches fall through during our 22 months of our adoption journey. The last two were the worst with bags packed to go get a baby out of state (and then learning SRS took the baby due to drug issues with the PBM). There was no way for us to even find out how she was… UGH. The last fall through, we drove 16 hours out of state, waited at the hospital, even got a call the baby was born and we could see her and then it all fell apart (LONG STORY) and we drove home empty car-seated. Just 2 months later, we had Sophia in our arms, through an agency adoption, in our state and we’ve been thankful ever since.

We survived by grieving, crying, talking to our pastor and close friends, and getting up each day, going to work and moving through it all. We did take some weekend vacations and had a bigger vacation planned when Sophia arrived! Just hang in there and accept sympathy and support from friends. Go to the spa, sleep in on the weekends, just do what it takes to get through each day and then one magical day, a call will come and your baby will be ready for you!

Last week, we heard that our wait was finally over.  The agency we’re using chose our profile for a woman who wanted to make an adoption plan.  After a year of waiting (added to the years of loss we’d already experienced), and after being nearly chosen before, we were cautiously optimistic.  (My husband was the cautious one, and I was optimistic.) 

Yesterday, we sent another email to the agency only to learn that the birth mother had delivered - and had chosen a different family.  So instead of traveling to meet our baby, my husband returned the baby items to the stores while I deleted the baby registry and made the painful calls.

After losing two pregnancies (and two fallopian tubes) and after being passed over yet again, it is so hard for me to know what to think or to do.  I remember reading that having a child through adoption is guaranteed.  Any more, I really question that statistic…

I know that other posters have found assistance by visiting with their pastor.  But when you are the pastor, it can be especially hard to make sense of it all.  We really wanted this baby and really thought that God was going to make it happen.

How many failed adoptions have to take place and how many years have to pass before one knows for certain to hold onto hope or to let it all go?

Thanks for the safe space to question….

I wish I could help to answer the questions. I can say that after four miscarriages, several IUI’s and one IVF cycle, we had two failed matches last year, the one we waited for for several months where the birth mom delivered and changed her mind before we got there. And also the one that the birth mom had placed another baby for adoption and chose us the week before she delivered. In the second case, we had to get a whole new set of clothes since the first was male and the second was female. The second birth mom changed her mind after we met her, had breakfast, a week in a hotel in another state, my parents meeting us as well; she delivered and let us be with her and the baby who roomed with her, feed that baby (being guarded since we really didn’t know which way that would end up) and then she decided to parent after we had given her the outfit we wanted to take that baby home in.
The money was only part of those losses. We cried for a while - well me more than my husband of course.

When Miles was born, we received a call on a Monday that a baby was born that Saturday - and we had him in our arms that Wednesday morning. His birth mom was only passing through Florida - where we had registered with the agency we had those other losses so we believe he seriously chose us. He is the best baby in the world, generally about as mellow as a four month old could be and we love him as much or more than we could if we had ‘made him ourselves’.
Incidentally,the day before we received his call we had begun the work to register with a new agency - thankfully the call came in regarding him right before the next check was sent - unrefundable and a huge sum of money.

Follow your heart - I’ve read more than once that your child will find you so I hope that gives you some peace at your difficult time. I decided to write this to reply to your post here instead of privately, since I’m sure others feel similarly at these times. Best of luck in your journey.

I was so sorry to hear about your loss and wanted to share a little of our story.  We were originally matched with a birthmom December 31st 2008.  As I sat packing up Christmas decorations I was contemplating another year gone by without a call.  I wasn’t sure I could endure the process any longer   As I sat thinking and crying I got a call from the agency about a possible match.  Normally the agency doesn’t allow phone calls with the birthmother until after the match is official or allow the adopting couple to deny the match but this situation was different.  The birthmother did not exactly match our criteria due to a medical condition   The agency stated she loved us so much that she had taped our profile on her bedroom door months ago and asked if we could consider her.  Well of course we would.  They wanted to give us a chance to talk to her about her medical history before the match was official and the call was scheduled.  It was a conference call between me and my husband, the birthmom and her mother, and the social worker at the agency.  Of course I was a nervous wreck but after the call I felt we had gotten along well. We seemed to be on the same wavelength and she was our angel.  We didn’t really care about the medical issue and was excited that the wait was finally over.  She had an ultra sound the next Tuesday and promised to call us with the results and let us know the sex.  That weekend we were ready to go shopping for baby things but restrained ourselves.  I had prayed so hard for God to match us with the birthmom that was meant for us and between the timing of the call, how well we had gotten along, and the fact that she taped our profile on her wall I was sure that this match was devine intervention.  Well Tuesday came and went with no call.  I tried to call the agency but couldn’t get anyone.  By Wednesday I knew she had changed her mind and got the call from the agency to confirm my suspitions.  I was devestated.  To make matters worse I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone about it without them looking at me with pity.  No one around me really thought that adoption worked.  The agency didn’t even consider it a failed match because we talked to her before the paperwork went through.  My heart felt as if it was a failed match, a child lost.  I had a milllion what if’s.  Did I say something wrong?  Should we have waited on the phone call?  Would anyone ever like us?  I thought if I prayed for our profile to touch the birthmom meant for us and it did, but she wanted to parent then that was it and it wouldn’t touch or reach anyone else.  I was wrong.  Less than three weeks later we got a call about another match.  I was terrified but our son was born in Arkansas April 10th of 2009.  I regret being so terrified because it kept me from fully enjoying his birth and the hospital experience.  We actually finalized our adoption before the baby originally called about was due to be born.  That is the excitement and roller coaster of adoption.  Hang in there because you could get the call tonight or tomorrow.  You could be a mother by the end of the month.  If not, then that just means the baby meant for you is still to be conceived or located.  As I sit here typing while rocking hmy son in my lap I look at his red hair that is the same color of mine and look into a face that matches my husband and I know that he was meant for us.  Not that his looks mattered to us but it’s proof to me that God is in charge and it helps me to let the others go.  As for that first birthmom I wonder what it was about our conversation that God needed her to hear.  Maybe I helped her in some way or said something that changed her life.  I just know that that was part of his plan as well.