“Jodi, I certainly never meant to make you feel like a commodity by my thoughts and feelings, and if I hurt yours in the process it was never my intention and I apologize for that.”
Thank you Jason’s Mom.

I hear the general sentiment that birth mothers are doing a great thing by relinquishing pretty regularly so it wasn’t just your post but the constant message that provokes my discomfort. I think for a child the idea that one’s mother loved you so much she gave you up is a really hard thing to reconcile, at least it was for me.

I appreciate you reading what I had to say.

see the thing I don’t understand is why couldn’t you have become her support rather than taking her child from her?

I would have welcomed the opportunity to meet my son’s birthmother but she wasn’t comfortable with that idea.  And per the paperwork we received, she was not only counseled about alternatives both at the hospital but with her adoption caseworker too.

I have never, nor would I ever, couch his adoption to my son in terms of “she loved him so much she gave him up” because I would never want him to worry about us doing that!  We’ve talked at length to him about his adoption and the circumstances surrounding it.  He can see, in her own words and handwriting, that it was the toughest decision of her life but one she felt necessary and was comfortable in her decision once she knew we agreed to provide letters and photos (as least that’s what she said in her writing).  I have never missed providing those at the dates she has requested.  As I said, I couldn’t look into my son’s eyes knowing I made a promise to her and then backed out of it.  I have told her in those letters that I hope someday she is comfortable with responding, but accept it if she never is.  I would also welcome the opportunity to meet with her in person, but it’s all up to HER comfort level.  I will always be eternally grateful to her for the gift she gave me.

If the focus is on what is best for the child - rather than finding a child for a family - then the child should remain with his mother. I don’t think paps are the ones who should have to pay money to keep the struggling families together but they also should not be offering enticements to pull them apart.
But as far as future adoptions, I personally would like to see a focus shift to family preservation and for adoption to truly be only a last resort where a child has already been removed from his or her family and only through public channels.

JM - at this point it is to late for family preservation in your case, you have already had your son in your home for a couple of years. I think its good that you keep contact and hopefully he’ll get to meet his other mom some day. But no matter how you describe it to him, his mother chose not to keep him and he will be affected by that. I don’t like the term “gift” for a child - but that’s just me.

As much as I want a child I cannot imagine taking advantage of a mother who cannot supply her child’s basic needs for financial reasons.  I was raised in a family who taught me that being an American means that we are willing to share our bounty with our fellow Americans who are struggling.  I think this is especially true now that so many families are struggling with our economy.  I even saw one adoption forum where adoptive families were happy about the downturn in our economy because it would mean more families would be forced to sacrifice their children to adoption.  That is just sick in my opinion.

I know that there are children who need homes due to addictions and serious mental illness.  But to force people to give their children up due to poor economy is immoral and against the principles of America.