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When you have an open adoption, and you have crises in your family
Posted: 08 March 2011 06:49 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

We have an open adoption with our daughter (age 7)‘s birth mother and several family members..we get together two or 3 times a year, and are on each others FB lists. Our daughter was in her birth aunts wedding two years ago.

A year after adopting our daughter, I discovered I was pregnant with our son, now 5. While it still remains a miracle to us (just like our daughter) it came unexpectedly. After our daughter came home, I worked part time, dropping a significant amount of our income.  We had a lot of psychological and “spending adjustments” to make regarding this. In the first year of our relationship with her birthmom, we were very financially secure and had a lot of discretionary income.

I had severe complications with my pregnancy and could not return to work for quite some time. He was a sick newborn (preemie.) Shortly after my husband lost his job. When it rained, it poured. Next I broke my foot and had to be off work without pay for several months, and had to hire full time help. It exhausted our savings, and we were having mounting cc debt. We refinanced our house back before the bubble burst to get through this. Then I was laid off.

H (birthmom) knew that I had taken medication for depression and anxiety (mild) in the past. However, when my husband had to take a pay cut, it was then that we had to face a stark reality. We had to sell our house. However, like many, it was underwater. Our bills were mounting and the stress was unreal. We sought financial advice and were advised to declare bankruptcy. We qualified for chap 7, as much of the debt was for hospital bills and due to income loss. We surrendered our house in the bankruptcy.

Soon after, I was hospitalized for severe anxiety and depression. The hospitalization was brief, but the recovery was well over a year. In addition, we dealt with my son needing surgery. During that time, I was not myself and not as responsive or interactive with my dd’s birthmother because I simply couldn’t do it.

I vaguely explained it to her, but my husband (and I) carry such a deep level of shame that its hard to think of her opinion of us, or that we are not stable. Thankfully, our extended family helped us get into a nice rental, with good schools. But it is certainly a step down from the community we lived in.

It surprises me that I still “am worried” what she thinks.  Part of me wanted to tell her everything. Including that our daughter has ADD..and we have had a lot of parenting challenges with her.

I guess I don’t have a question per se, but wondered if anyone else dealt with this, in an adoption as open as ours.

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