I am just starting out in my journey of adoption and I am reading the book by this magazine and so I know the different routes.  Each day/ moment I am 100% sure of which path I want to be on unfortunatly that changes every other day/moment to.  Sometimes I want to help a child who really needs me in foster care and the next day I want an infant from a hand-picked birth mother.  I keep reading that what is ment to be happens and every family turns out happy but I am not content to wait for fate to have its way with me.  I want to stand up, take charge and start a process but which one…. with who… How do I decide?

It is very hard to decide, but that is truly what you must do first.  It took us a few years.  I grinned when I read the stand up take charge part (oh how I relate to that sentence!!).  The HARDEST part for me in this whole process was not having any control!  The waiting was at times unbearable!  In the beginning there was lots to do with the homestudy and appointments and papers to fill out etc. etc. I felt like I was really doing something….And then the waiting begins!!!!!! and goes on and on and on.  I had no idea it would be so hard, all my family and frieds kept telling me to just go on with our life and it would “happen when it happened” and it did, we are set to pick up our baby girl next week but the one thing I learned out of the process is that I have no controll!!  This site was amazing and so comforting, I journal A LOT!

I wish patience and love and a speedy match!! We are all here for you!

L.

i think what helped me decide was setting up an appointment with a adoption agency that did all kinds of adoptions, domestic and several international countries. i made a list of questions and spoke honestly with the social worker about any fears or concerns i had. it gave me the nudge i needed to make up my mind!

I can tell you that one reason we chose domestic adoption over international adoption was the time.  We have several friends that adopted internationally and their time was so long and they would go to the country to visit and then come home and wait and wait and wait.  Then at one point the country would stop all adoptions - it was just so heartbreaking - I just felt like the process of international adoption was not right for my husband and I. But that was purely our choice. We have friends who have adopted internationally and we adore their children and they are a part of our family.

For me it only took walking through an African orphanage on a mission trip to see that no child in a 3rd world country has 1% of what American children have handed to them without thought.  There was little food, no medical care and severe understaffing.  The babies would lie in cribs all day, rarely being held or touched.  Children in the US…even in foster care…have a FAMILY.  It may not be ideal, but they’re given food, clothing, shelter, medical care, education & most of the time love & support from their foster family.

That said…I have no need to parent a newborn.  I want to adopt to give back to those less fortunate than myself, which is why we are in the process of adopting siblings from Ghana.

Best wishes to you on your journey. 

When my husband and I began our adoption journey we thought newborn domestic adoption was the only route for us.  My desire to have a newborn was so great that I couldn’t imagine anything else.  We went to an information meeting at an agency and were sold.  During our homestudy process we had 3 possible matches that didn’t pan out.  Each one, although we didn’t get far, was a heartbreak.  Then I talked to a couple who had an infant in their home and the birthmother changed her mind within the 30 days our state allows.  After a few weeks of being parents and bonding with this newborn, they had to give her back.  We decided this wasn’t for us.  We couldn’t take the heartbreak if that happened to us.  Also, we were worried we would never be matched.  One morning my husband was up early and watched an episode of Adoption Stories.  It was about a couple who adopted from Guatemala.  God touched his heart and he knew that was our agency.  He researched it online and when I woke up he told me about it.  We called and the rest is history.  We liked the security of International adoption, although we found out nothing is totally secure.  We had our ups and downs, but we did bring our son home in 2007, from the same orphanage in the episode.  The ironic thing is we chose Guatemala because you could bring an infant home at around 6 months typically, sometimes younger.  Our son came home at 1 year.  I didn’t think I could handle anything but a newborn or young infant.  God had other plans.  Our son is perfect for our family.  We are now in the process of thinking about a second adoption.  It’s hard because we are older and not eligible for some International programs.  Also, I no longer have the need to have a newborn.  We’re thinking maybe a 2 or 3 year old since our son will be 5 soon.  We know God will lead us to our second child like he led us to our 1st.  It will happen in His time.

Good luck on your journey.

Michelle

This is definitely a very personal decision.  Part of it is emotional and part is practical.  Then, if you are adopting with a partner you need to be on the same page as him/her.  That’s a LOT.  I am always amazed that so many people can reach the route of how to adopt as it is such a large, complex and emotional decision.  Somehow I did it three times and I’m still not sure how my husband and I did it!

To help with the practical part of your decision process, be sure to look over the latest Adoptive Families’
Cost and Timing of Adoption survey results .  Possibly by looking at it, you can find some extra information to assist you.

Good luck!!

Danielle Pennel
AFC Community Moderator

I agree it’s a very personal decsion. With my husband and myself we just knew it was right. We had no doubts that this was the way we were meant to build our family!

-Mandy
http://smalltownok.wordpress.com/

Our decision of which route to adoption to follow was actually pretty easy.

Since we were US citizens living in Switzerland, our path was narrowed immediately because it had to be from the US. This was due to the fact that following the process of three countries (country of our citizenship, country of our residence and originating country of child), who all had contradicting laws, proved to be too difficult. Then it was narrowed to Newborn Domestic Adoption because Foster Adoption was not a possibility for people living outside the United States.

Although in the end we likely would have chosen this route anyway. And we could not be happier with the results! We have two beautiful children and we are in an open adoption that is very positive and rewarding.

I have to agree with all of the previous responses that whatever route you choose to go is a personal choice.  There are so many different options domestic, international, special adoption situations, and even determining what background you are open to. For us we have been luckily enough to have adopted our two beautiful children one internationally and one domestic.  Honestly there are pros and cons to both.  International adoption can be lengthy especially when it comes to paperwork and having to deal with a whole different government, plus add in the travel.  With domestic I found the more open you are the faster the time process is until you receive a referral.  Sometimes you can run the risk of a birthparent changing there mind, that is why it is very important to research the different adoption laws in each state to make sure that you are aware of them.  We were lucky the state that we adopted from once the birthparent signed the paperwork it was final and she was not able to change her mind, honestly this made us much more at ease.  Again, my biggest suggestion is to research and attend meetings, read articles and determine which path you are meant to follow.  Best of luck to you!

Hi-

I wish I could tell you that we had a clear vision of our path, but we didn’t . We ended up doing a domestic open adoption by default.  I had started out with the plan to adopt from another country with some misperceptions, and some lack of information.  #1 I thought it would be emotionally and psychologically simpler if our child never knew who his birth family was.. #2 I thought it was a less “degrading” process. 

Home studies are not that bad, definitely not to be at all scared of., and not like any in t.v. shows or movies. But I still feel unsettled a the cosmic unfairness of being “evaluated” for fitness. In the end, I FIRMLY believe this is crucial for adoption to have ethics and regulation.  Domestic newborn adoption had worse press for me..I didn’t like the idea of “marketing”  ourselves as a couple.  We ended up putting ourselves on two waiting lists (even though the agency doesn’t like to do that) and domestic adoption came up first.

I would not trade the experience of having an ongoing relationship with my daughters birth family, but at the same time it does add a layer of complication to our lives..and it sometimes is painful for both sides.

My friends that have adopted internationally often “pity” me for dealing with this, while I think they might be in slight denial about thinking they are dodging the birth parent bullet. In all likelihood, the birth parents might not be able to be found in international adoption, but the reality is THEY do exist. Many talk about the child being adopted from China (or insert other country) and in their minds THAT is the birth family. But the reality is, a man and woman had some sort of relationship and created a child. The child was given birth to by a woman.

Given what I said above about international adoption, I would do it if I wanted another child. (I do not)  I feel that domestic adoption is better able to be regulated. We have no civil rights in international adoption.

As for foster care adoption, I always wanted to do this. I was not so much looking for a newborn, as a family. But I think I romanticized the foster care thing. I have friends that have adopted from foster care, and they have 3 beautiful children. However, they have such a negative view of their children’s birth families (not without warrant) that it makes me appreciate the circumstances under which we adopted our child. She was surrendered (painfully so) by a thoughtful, caring mom. I like the “aura” surrounding our adoption. It is not without pain, but it is filled with mutual admiration , love and respect.

We are also not the types to sit around and wait to see what happens.  We like to be in control.  Having said that we chose a domestic private adoption using attorneys that specialize in adoption.  We knew we wanted a domestic newborn adoption because it isn’t as expensive, the wait isn’t as long and for other personal reasons.  However, with the private adoption, we did all our own marketing to locate a birthmother under the guidance of the attorney.  It kept us busy, made us feel like we had some level of control and input into the process and it was even less expensive than if the attorney conducted the search himself.  The great thing about it was that the attorney reviewed everything we did to ensure we didn’t cross over any unethical or illegal lines and everything would pass muster with the court.  As a result we were able to locate a birthmom who ultimately chose us in far less time than it would have taken through an agency or if the attorney had done the search.  From start to finish, it took us about 5 months to locate my daughter’s birthmom.  My daughter was born 6 months later.  The experience was wonderful and we had no surprises.  Best wishes as you wrestle through this difficult decision.  Just know that in the end, no matter what, you did the right thing.

I think for many families their initial “decision” changes over time depending on many factors - cost, wait times, the type of child they are hoping to parent, etc.. Each adoption journey is unique (as all these replies clearly show!) 

In our case, we started the China process in 2006 and were hoping for the placement of a healthy, little girl under 12 mos. old. within 18 months of submitting our dossier. But as most folks know, the China program has since changed - many more boys and children with “special needs” being referred. But you know what? I don’t regret our decision for a minute! As we waited (1, then 2, then 3 years…) I was able to do research on other programs and considered switching to a domestic program, or an Ethiopia program, but I also learned much more about the children in need in China. I learned about some of the common “special needs” these children are labeled with, and how correctable many of these needs would be if the children were just able to come to the U.S. and get the medical care they needed. So we switched to the China “special needs” program and got the referral for our daughter just a couple months later!  She was 17 mos. old and had an already-repaired cleft lip. She is on-target developmentally and is a typical toddler in every way. Today she is a gorgeous 2 yr old and the light of our lives!

I wish you the best in your decision-making. Keeping in mind, your final decision may evolve into other decisions along the way…

My hubby and I considered a number of factors, including length of time from application to placement, cost, and degree of openness.  We attended info sessions at a few reputable agencies that facilitate domestic and international adoption.  We also spoke to a number of families who had adopted children through different routes: private with attorney, through foster care, international, and open domestic through agency.  We also met with a couple of social workers affiliated with two agencies before we finally decided on a path we were comfortable with.

W felt very confident about our decision once we committed to a path, however we still have moments of doubt.  In speaking with other parents who have already ben through the process, I’ve come to understand that it’s normal to wonder which is the “right” path.  My husband and I found that once we discussed our own preferences in terms of timing, cost and openness, we were able to reach a decision that we both accept.

We did extensive research on all the options both domestic and international, collecting a lot of emails, information packets, websites…I attended one agency orientation and did phone interviews with 3 attorneys. Early in our search, we ruled out international adoption because of the cost and the logistics of potentionally multiple trips. We also decided that, although international adoption is considered “sexy” right now, we wanted to be a family for a child born here in our own country.

What sold us on our attorney was when, during my phone interview with her, she asked “would you consider a multiracial child?” I said “yes”. We had decided not to put any criteria on who we would adopt- we would have faith that we would be matched with whomever was meant to be in our family. I was very surprised at what she told me next. We live in a part of the country that is extremely racially diverse. She said that there is a serious lack of families in our area who will consider a non-white child! She said that she was that afternoon meeting with a birth mother whose child was going to be multiracial and asked if she could mention us to her. Surprised, I said ok. After talking with my husband, we agreed that this was maybe a bit too quick, even though she was still 3 months from her due date. So we asked that the birth mother meet the one other family interested in talking with her. If she then wanted to meet us, we would gladly talk with her. She decided to be matched with the first family.

One week later, this attorney called and said that she had a new client who had a 9 months old son who was half Asian. There were only 2 other families that would consider him- 1 had 3 children already and the other had 2. As my husband and I had no children yet, she wanted to present us. The birth family had expressed an interest in meeting a family who had no other children, if available. None of the other families available were interested because he was 1. multiracial, 2. not a newborn, and 3. a boy. The rest of her clients and her partner attorney’s clients all wanted newborn, white girls and were willing to wait however long for them. We had not even signed on with this attorney yet and she already had presented us with 2 possible placements. So, we arranged to officially sign on with her and meet with these birth parents. One week later, we met our son and, less than a week after that, we brought him home. 3 weeks from start to finish…and we absolutely adore our son. He fits into our family like he was born into it!

Good luck in your search!

We did briefly consider a few options for adoption routes, but to be honest it came down to money.  No one really wants to talk about this, but we did not have the money for a private or international adoption, so we choose foster-adopt.  It cost us nothing to adopt our children - no home study costs, no court fees or lawyer fees, we did not even have to pay for CPR certification.  The costs came more on an emotional level, (in a three-year span of time, we had 6 children placed in our home and were able to adopt 3 - so a 50% success rate) but from reading other posts I think any route has emotional ups and downs. 

Beyond the initial reason for choosing foster-adopt, I am glad that we did go with this option.  There are so many children in our own community (we live in a small city of about 200,000 people), who need stable loving homes, and I can’t imagine my life now without my three wonderful children.

Good luck in whatever path you decide to take.