My husband and I just experienced a failed adoption and it has given me comfort to read your posts. Today is Saturday, and we learned of the news on Monday. To add insult to injury, my sister is law is visiting from very far away. She had a baby last year after IVF. She leaves tomorrow and I really am in a tough situation where I need to go see her. On top of that, my other sister in law who recently learned she was pregnant (first try, gee whiz) will be there. So I get to go to “baby fest” when we just had a failed match 5 days ago after years of fertility treatments and miscarriage. On top of that, my husband’s family is quite clueless when it comes to the empathy department. They mean well, but really tend to say some insensitive things some times. They don’t have a clue what it is to wait and not know if it could be tomorrow we have a baby, or if we could be deluding ourselves that we’ll ever have a baby at all.
Sometimes I wonder if it takes this much effort, maybe it just isn’t meant to be?
Anyway, we had an almost match in December through a mutual friend, but the child had something in his background that we were not approved for. It was really disappointing, but there’s a reason we create our preferences page. Then Feb. 15 I got the call at work that an expectant mother had chosen us. She is due April 3 with a baby girl. Friday we learned the news, the next Tuesday we had a Skype match meeting, and it was a love fest. We thought she was very sweet and she really liked us. Two hours after that, one of the potential birth fathers said he might contest. Also, she had yet to tell her mother who was out of town. My husband and I refused to proceed with the match until at least one of those hurdles was addressed. In the state where the match would take place, birth fathers don’t sign anything. They are served notification, and if they do not take action by going to court, their rights are terminated within 30 days. The agency said in their 9 year history only 4 men have shown up in court. Also the e-mom said if we didn’t accept that match, she wouldn’t place. We were the only couple she wanted.
The e-mom told her mother and her mother was supportive. We were relieved and proceeded. A few days later (I do aggressive Internet marketing) a woman with a born baby that was 4 days old emailed me and was interested in us as adoptive parents. I wanted to do the honest thing and I told her the truth that we we just matched. I recommended she contact our agency. I felt very committed to our e-mom. How stupid was that?
We told the e-mom we would go visit her if she wanted. Three weeks went by and neither potential birth father had taken any action. We were a week away from being in the clear with them. E-mom texted me and asked if I would visit that following weekend. My husband and I flew to her city. On Friday she and I were texting and she asked us to meet at Olive Garden. E-mom’s counselor told us she saw the birth father who might contest and he said he was really looking forward to meeting us at dinner and seeing why e-mom really liked us.
Saturday we landed in her city. I texted to let her know and she did not reply. That seemed ominous to me, but I did not want to over react. Sunday we were to have dinner with e-mom, Monday morning we were to meet with our adoptive counselor and Monday afternoon fly home. Well, e-mom did not show up to dinner. I knew it was over. When we went to meet with our counselor the next day, she texted and said e-mom wanted to meet for breakfast. Our counselor said e-mom claimed to be in the hospital the night before with false labor. Our counselor didn’t believe her.
E-mom showed up and basically told us that she didn’t have it in her to break the news to her 5 and 3 year old boys. They kissed her tummy every day and she couldn’t do it. E-mom had drawn us a picture and was trying to give us words of encouragement. She talked about the connection she had with us and how she wanted to keep in touch. It was nice of her but also felt a bit like being dumped before dinner and then being expected to sit through the rest of it. It really did feel like being dumped by someone I really loved and having the realization I would never see him again. My husband made an excuse that we had to go, and e-Mom just waddled off into the sunset.
While I feel terrible, my poor 75-yr-old dad is just heartbroken. I tried to warn my parents not to get overly excited, but they just couldn’t help it. Also two days after the failed match, I received this heartfelt email from a sick woman who asked if we would adopt her 11-year-old daughter that she cannot take care of. My husband and I live in the city (near really expensive private schools) and we just aren’t in the place to take an older child. We intend to move to a more affordable public schools’s are should we ever have a child about to enter Kindergarden. We have some many “almosts” but nothing seems to be the right fit.
Sometimes I take the wait and disappointment in stride and sometimes I wonder how I will ever survive it. Now I worry we’ll have more failed matches. What’s the highest number of failed matches you’ve ever heard of? I’ve heard of three failed matches in three years. We’ve just had so much bad luck every step of the way—even with donor egg fertility treatments. Every step of the way even when the odds were much more in our favor, the worst possible outcome materializes. Does anyone know people who just could never adopt no matter how long they waited? Maybe God or the Universe or whatever I did in a past life—who knows—just doesn’t want us to be parents?