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Posted: 28 October 2010 03:41 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  6

Hi everyone… I am looking for some info/support. My husband and I have been working on adopting for several years and have looked into the options, talked to other adoptive parents, spokent to lawyers, planned our Home Study etc.

We just can’t bring ourselves to be willing to do an Open adoption. I know they are becoming more popular as the days go by but we both can’t imagine it. I’m actually afraid this will limit our choices when it comes down to being accepted as a forever family.

If you’ve done Open, please tell me how it was.
If you chose not to do Open, was there a reason?

Are we just being silly not wanting to do this?

Posted: 29 October 2010 04:10 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  25

It’s Susan here of Adoptive Families.

Closed adoptions (no identifying information exchanged by birthmother and adopting family) are very rare today (although they do happen) and requiring that might indeed limit your chances of successful adoption.

Nowadays,  “open” adoption (In which some identifying information is exchanged and sometimes the birthmother and adopting family meet before the adoption) is the norm.  However, the degree to which there is ongoing contact, after the adoption, is entirely up to the wishes and the agreement of the adopting family and the birthfamily.  In some cases, the birthmother wants no further contact.  In the majority of cases, the birthmother and the adopting family agree that the adopting family will provide updates (photos , etc) at certain intervals but there is often no further face-to-face contact.

I think that you should be straightforward about your wishes and ask to be matched with a birthmother who shares your perspective.  But be prepared for your feelings to change after the adoption!  Many families who felt as you did before adoption, are surprised to find that they are very disappointed when they no longer hear from their child’s birthmother, as often happens.

Best of luck and please let us know how your adoption proceeds!

You may also find some of the articles here:  helpful.

Posted: 29 October 2010 04:14 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  6

Thanks Susan. I guess I was mis-defining Open. I meant that we are having trouble with the idea of yearly or bi-yearly visits with the birthmother. We actually do want SOME information at the time of adoption- so not totally “closed”.
Thank you so much for the information. Like I said, we are just trying to decide if this is something we can change our opinions on. I appreciate the forum here to enable questions and answers.

Posted: 29 October 2010 07:23 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  26

You could always consider International adoption, in which you very likely will not ever have contact with the birth-parents.

Posted: 30 October 2010 07:54 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

Open Adoptions can come in all configurations! And you will have a good deal of control in figuring out yours looks like, if that’s what you eventually decide to do. I would like to say that many adoption researchers now believe that having an Open Adoption is in the best interests of the child long term, so as you are making plans for your future as a family, I would ask you to think about your child at age 16 or 18 or 21 in terms of openness.

We have an Open Adoption, which is what I wanted from the beginning, in part because of having close friends who were adopted in the late 1950s/early 1960s in closed adoption who suffered a great deal from not knowing *ANYTHING* about their birth families, other than their race/ethnicity, and having to launch expensive, protracted searches as adults.

For a variety of reasons, Birth Mom has been in contact with my daughter, 16 (adopted from foster care at age 8) only via rare cards/letters. But we have a wonderful relationship with Birth Uncle, his wife, and their two young daughters, as well as some contact at family events with other extended family. The love is real now, though there have been some bumpy roads along the way.

Initially, sibling visits were somewhat regular, but they have dwindled down to about once a year. But that connection is there, for either my daughter or her siblings to pick up with more energy in the future.

You could, for example, agree to an Open Adoption that includes only photos, cards, letters, emails going back and forth between your families until your child is 16, say, or whatever age seems appropriate. That way, your child would know where he/she came from and be able to ask questions and share information about his/her life, or you could handle all the contact yourselves until an agreed-upon age.

From my experience with other families, visits once a year with the birth families are usually fun, loving, memorable events.

Good luck to you, in whatever you decide.

Posted: 22 November 2010 09:07 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

We have an open adoption.  It has its crazy up’s and down’s - we had no problem with open adoption from the beginning - ours was a designated domestic adoption.  I have to be honest it’s great that we have the open relationship for our daughter - I believe it’s truly harder on myself - but always remember it’s for her - she can never have too many people to love her - what is remarkable is that we have openness with both birth families - not as much w/birth dad but with his parents/brother - they are all wonderful people - just not as perfect as myself.  JUST KIDDING!  i’d be happy to talk about our open adoption if you’d like - feel free to email me.

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