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Reconnecting and meeting birth family
Posted: 04 October 2010 07:33 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

I would love to get some advice from those in contact with birth families.  My daughter’s birth mother has had sporadic contact with us through the years (my daughter is 5). Her birth mother has 3 children older than my daughter, and 2 younger, that she is raising herself.  Yesterday, she called and wants to meet us.  She has told her other children all about my daughter, and now they want to see her and meet her.  I am concerned for a couple of reasons:

1.  Is this going to be a one time thing and then she reduces contact again?  And if so, how will that affect my daughter?

2. I asked her how she explained to the other children who my daugther is.  She said she told them they have a sister, and that when she gave birth she wasn’t in a place where she could raise her too.  So another lady agreed to raise her.  She went on to tell them that she would always be my daughter’s mommy, even though my daughter doesn’t live with them.

That explanation is both good and bad in my mind.  I didn’t agree to just raise this child.  It’s not like when she turns 18 there is a return policy.  I also have a big problem with her calling herself my daughter’s mommy.  I AM MOMMY.  I am beyond grateful this young lady chose adoption, but she is not the mommy.  I respect her role as birth mother, and I always speak of her in a positive light and tell my daughter that “J” loves her.  But we call her “J” and birth mother.  I do not refer to her as another mother, or anything of the sort.

How do I put boundaries on this visit without hurting “J”? I think it would be great for my daughter to meet her birth family, and I know without a doubt they do love her.  I have wanted to keep the connection stronger over the years so there would be a solid foundation when my daughter starts asking the harder questions about life.  But now that it’s here, I’m having alot of doubts.

Are there any adoption experts out there that have some words of wisdom?  Any birth or adoptive parents that have traveled this road?  I would love to hear from all of you!