I’m just curious.  I think there are a few adoptive parents here who are willing to at least entertain some of the more serious aspects of adoption, and I’m interested in opinions.

This is the topic I’m questioning:
http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/Insensitive_comments/
I’m not an adoptive parent of a US newborn, so I thought I would start a new topic here instead of offering my two cents there.

Is it appropriate for people who have zero adoption experience to think they are somehow educating the general public on adoption?  Is it my imagination, or is this notion maybe slightly insensitive toward everyone who HAS experienced adoption? 

Also, how far has adoption come in the last 50 years?  In the vast majority of states, the basic framework of the law hasn’t changed.  Yes, there are adoption subsidies that didn’t exist then.  And there are state adoption quotas that didn’t exist 50 years ago, but I certainly don’t see that as an improvement.  The fact is that the adoptees and original parents of today have no more rights than those of 50 years ago.  The adoptive parents still maintain as much power as those of the past.  The only thing that’s changed is the way in which some adoptions are arranged.  That’s simply because the number of available infants was getting so small that the agencies had to change the way they promoted relinquishment.  It certainly doesn’t mean the relinquishing parent has the full name and address of their child and his or her adoptive parents or an enforceable agreement for visitation rights.  It’s just a difference in the way the adoption is arranged.  Once the ink is dry, the adoptive parents are not even legally obligated to inform the adoptee that he or she is an adoptee let alone allow contact or provide identifying information.  Don’t be fooled.  Many adoptive parents of 50 years ago were provided the name of the original parent.  They just oftentimes chose to conveniently forget it and misplace the paperwork.  Precious little has changed in 50 years especially where it counts—the laws.

I just saw this video link on a first mother’s blog this evening, and it seems appropriate here.  It does a fairly good job of outlining the yet unresolved problems of adoptions 50 years ago.  I especially liked the honesty of the New Hampshire lawmaker who, in reference to current difficulties changing laws, placed the blame squarely on today’s adoption industry citing their view that it would be bad for business.  You see, the problems with adoption 50 years ago are still alive and well in most states.  Adoptees of 50 years ago are subsidizing today’s new adoptions with their identities. 

http://vimeo.com/12476393

I think it may be just slightly insensitive to see oneself as participating in something better than what took place 50 years ago and ‘educating’ others to that affect when, in fact, those horrible old laws are still in place for the purpose of promoting adoption today.

I don’t understand your question of appropriateness. Who has zero experience of adoption and is educating others about adoption? I think the prospective adoptive parent in that post can only educate what they have learned as a prospective adoptive parent, not as an adult adoptee. Are you saying they are being insensitive to your experience, as they navigate through insensitive comments being made toward them regarding adoption? I guess you need to educate them, then, is that what you are saying? It seems things have changed in 50 years so I am not sure I see what is bad about learning about that. It is also important to learn about what has not changed so I do appreciate your ‘educating’ us.

I wasn’t speaking only of the prospective adoptive adoptive parent that posed the question, but also of the many prospective adoptive parents that responded.  What’s changed in 50 years?  The assertion was made, but for the life of me, I don’t know how this is true. 

I’m not saying they are being insensitive to my experience personally.  I’m saying they are being insensitive to the generations that preceded them.  I’m saying nothing of substance has changed.  The laws that are in effect today are, at the core in the majority of states, the same laws that existed 50 years ago.  The methods the agencies use to get babies has changed, but it was not illegal or unheard of for an adoption to be arranged privately through contact with the original parent even back then. 

And what is not valid about some of the questions that offended them?  Do they plan to have children of their own later?  That is something that should be considered.  While adopting isn’t a cure for infertility, it does happen that people have biological children after adopting.  Why should anyone find this question insensitive?  Is it because they would rather not mentally and emotionally prepare for the future?  Or is it because they think an adoptee will be ‘theirs’. 

If 50 years have taught us anything, it’s that adopting is not the same as having your own children.  Many people who have been involved in adoption for 50 years see this attitude as an antiquated.  This video goes on to address adoptive parents of yesteryear who chose to hide the adoption altogether, but in the first minute of the video, he expresses quite clearly his feelings toward the notion of ‘as if born to’. 
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xlsl2e2kyK8&feature=related

Most of the time when I read here, someone steps in to bring a seriously wishful thread back a little closer to reality.  There are adoptive parents here who have enough experience to know that part of a good adoption education is realizing that there are aspects of parenting that are unique to adoption.  For some reason, all of that went unchecked in this thread.

If prospective adoptive parents have not resolved these questions and can’t field them in conversation with their friends and family—if they can’t carry on an adult conversation about their hopeful adoption—I personally don’t think they are ready for the day-to-day reality of raising an adopted person.  I didn’t read any insensitive questions.  Not even the comment from the lady who said adoption is too hard.  It IS hard.  That’s reality.  If a prospective parent cannot answer quickly that they are prepared to deal with ‘hard’, they’re not ready.  They’ve heard a sales pitch.  That’s different than being educated.

In my opinion, of course.

Of course, in your opinion, Jeanne.

Yes, of course, in my opinion.  But what’s happening in that first video IS adoption today.  That’s not a video from 50 years ago.  You cannot separate adoption today from, well, adoption today.

I actually do want conversation.  I know my ap’s wish someone had prepared them a little better for some of the realities of adoption.  When someone states in one sentence that they are educating others about adoption then in the next that they can’t imagine what it will be like to actually adopt, there should be a big red light start to blink a warning. 

Here’s another study that agencies probably don’t share with prospective adoptive parents:

http://pediatrics.aappublications.org/cgi/content/abstract/108/2/e30

“Conclusions.  Attempted suicide is more common among adolescents who live with adoptive parents than among adolescents who live with biological parents. The association persists after adjusting for depression and aggression and is not explained by impulsivity as measured by a self-reported tendency to make decisions quickly. Although the mechanism underlying the association remains unclear, recognizing the adoptive status may help health care providers to identify youths who are at risk and to intervene before a suicide attempt occurs….”

Until conversations about real-life problems become fashionable, we’ll see more and more headlines about adoptees being sent back—or worse.  Adoption is not exactly getting the greatest press right now.  Denying the problems that accompany something as unique as adoption is so entrenched in the adoption community and has been for so many years, that the bad press is likely to get worse before it gets better.  People go into this actually believing that it’s NOT hard.  That is really is no different than having your own child.  That it is fully wonderful, and that children really don’t care who raises them as long as they have economic privilege and someone to call mom and dad.  They display the attitude that another human being can become ‘theirs’.  That has been the root of so many problems for so many years, and in that sense, adoption is exactly as it was 50 years ago.

There are adoptive parents who know better.  Unfortunately, they are often afraid to speak up when it counts the most.