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Does the money make anyone else mad?
Posted: 19 August 2010 04:50 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  5

My husband and I talked about adoption off and on for 4-5 years before finally making the plunge and signing up w/an agency. One of the road-blocks we’d crash into over and over again was the cost of the whole deal. There was the dollar-sign part of it all - we have avg jobs w/avg pay and no wealthy family leavin us any 6-figure inheritance anytime soon. Then there was the “morally opposed” side of it…it just seemed morally wrong to have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars to adopt a child who didn’t have a family. We just couldn’t make ourselves cross the bridge….. Until we met a birthmom w/whom we anticipated completing a private adoption. Suddenly the few thousands of dollars in legal fees seemed completely legitmate. We felt great. And then it fell through…as did the floor beneath us. We were crushed. After a couple months of grieving….lots of tears…and hundreds of unanswered questions, we realized our best bet at becoming a family as quickly as we’d like would be to sign up with adoption agency. At this point, we were desperate…we hadn’t overcome our arguments against such outlandish costs…we simply bit the bullet and moved on.

That was about 4-5 months ago. When we turned in the application, we asked as many question as we could think of, especially about how the money was handled, the fee schedule to which we’d adhere, and any unknown costs that might come up. They seemed to answer our inquiries frankly, and we were satisfied.  Our homestudy was completed just a few days before the phone rang. Within a week, we were driving 3 hrs to meet a birthmother. Going into the meeting, we knew she was asking for an additional $650/month. This would be a stretch for us, but after meeting her and feeling so good about it, we knew we could make it happen. We figured by the time all the numbers were crunched and all the emails sent, we’d be lookin about 4 months of $650…and this was in addition to the $20,000 we’d owe the agency by the time the baby was born.

Then we got the email - $650/month for 6 1/2 months…plus medical expenses. We were a little confused. The baby’s due in 5 months, and what medical expenses? My husband called the agency - why are we responsible for 6wks of post-partum financial assistance for the birthmom? Can we get an estimate on the medical expenses? We’re workin out tails off as is….we don’t have an extra $2,000-3,000 lying around, lookin for a way to be spent. Some of the birthmom’s expenses were for travel to and from work and school. If she wasn’t goin to work or school during those 6wks after the birth, did we still have to pay? The agency’s response? “Now is not the time to negotiate. You don’t want to run her off.”

We were so upset. We’re the ones payin the agency over $20,000. When are they going to advocate for us? Furthermore, we’re startin to get the feeling that the agency offered the birthmom the 6 1/2 months of supplemental assistance before she even asked for it. She doesn’t seem the type to expect or ask for money after the baby’s w/us.

Today, I feel exploited. I feel like our desperate need and longing for a baby is being exploited. I feel like our years of hard work and financial responsibility are being exploited b/c of our longings. It’s as if the agency assumes we’ll say yes to anything…that our belief is “whatever it takes,” even if that means emptying our bank accounts. I guess some folks live on credit….and some don’t think twice about how much somethin will cost if it’s what they really want….but we’ve worked really hard to stay out of debt….and we really don’t want to get a loan to do this deal - it’ll turn into one more monthly bill that we’ll have to find money for, which might mean i won’t be able to stay home after the baby’s born…

It just doesn’t seem right somehow. I thought going thru an adoption agency, though expensive, was supposed to provide support…provide folks on the other side who were watchin out for us….but right now, I feel taken advantage of…. and I know - if this baby works out, a year from now we won’t even bat an eye at the money it cost….but today, w/o anything tangible to counteract it all, I feel our barrenness is being exploited. It hurts. It makes me mad. Has anyone else felt this way?

Posted: 19 August 2010 01:13 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  28

It is a difficult and complicate process and I do know exactly what you are feeling.

The 6 weeks post-partum is probably a state law. It was when we adopted (once from Texas and once from Kansas). I believe it is a standard policy provided to help the birth mother through the recovery process until she is ready to return to work or school or whatever she will be doing after the birth and relinquishment.

Posted: 19 August 2010 04:54 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

Yes, it is hard to overcome the cost of the adoption, especially if you have an Adoption Agency that requests additional money after you already have paid a huge amount. We chose to NOT go with an Adoption agency that requested additional money other than the required fee. We just simply couldn’t afford it. I would definitely work with an agency that didn’t require extra money. YES, your agency should always be on YOUR side! You are paying them and they need to have your best interest in mind, no matter what. Yes, of course the agency is there for the birthmom as well, and they should give our birthmoms respect and all they need but should they ignore the birthparents feelings? NO! I don’t agree with just ‘being there for the birthmom’. Not at all. Our agency is great. They take care of us, guide us, listen to us and direct in the direction they think is best and they are very up front and will let us know of any ‘reg flags’ through the process. They will also not work with just any birthmom. They are wonderful! They take care of birthmomm and adoptive parents. It is so hard to think about that money you pay just for wanting a precious baby to start a family..but it is something you will need to overcome, but hands down, do not go with an agency that request addotional money on top of the fee. You won’t get any of that money back if the birthmom decides to parent. Good luck in your process!

Posted: 22 August 2010 05:08 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  3

When considering adoption, money was a factor for us like many others. We adopted through foster care/foster adoption and did not pay anything, in fact, the state pays us a small amount each month and we have free state health insurance until our adopted children turn 19. Just thought I would share this in case you want to adopt more children and don’t want to spend thousands. Trust me, there are many children in your own towns who need a family too.

Posted: 24 August 2010 03:48 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  10

I totally agree with your fustration.

Posted: 26 August 2010 09:10 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  47

Of course it makes me mad.  I’m adopted.  I’m a commodity, bought and paid for.  Why wouldn’t that make me mad?  And more than four decades after it happened to me, it’s still going on.  Of course, back in my day, my grandparents had to pay the agency to hide my mother and I from the public eye, then they sold me to my adoptive parents, making money again.  And no, it’s not about the children.  Are the agencies asking for money to go into trust for us?  No.  No, they are not.

Posted: 31 August 2010 02:51 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

Yes! We have completely felt like this! We’re being pushed away from adoption in general because of how much it costs. We LITERALLY are buying a baby. If you can go from one agency and pay $10000, then go to another agency and pay $30000, or do one privately and pay $4500…. how can you tell me we aren’t buying children???

We almost adopted a baby boy three weeks ago. We had to do an interstate compact. We found an agency that told us $4500. I literally laughed at her and told her that was completely not going to happen. She said she’d talk to her boss to see if it could be reduced. She called me back and said $1500. I contacted an attorney and he told me “at most” $800. Now, how can you tell me that ‘non-profit’ agencies aren’t making money off of our desire to have a family. It’s completely unethical. AND, how can a homestudy cost $1800 with one agency, and cost $4500 with another, when they are in the same state???

When they say medical expenses - it’s very very rare that a mother would not be on medicare, or some form of medical care. Our agency actually makes the mothers get medicare if she doesn’t have her own insurance. Until you finalize, there is no reason you should have to pay medical fees. It’s not legally your kid until you finalize.

Be cautious of a mother who wants you to pay her any monthly fees. It’s not right to say, but if I were poor, immoral, pregnant and broke, I would try to take advantage of people who are desperate for a kid. I’ve actually had a SW tell me not to work with Utah because some SW will tell their clients to go out there because Utah doesn’t have restrictive laws on what adoptive parents can give to the mother. But if you think of it, we’re not the ones who knocked her up. We’re already adopting her unwanted kid, why do we need to pay her more money?? I know some of you who read this will get upset, but it’s the truth! Our birthmother didn’t even bring up money. I wanted to help her, and I was giving her what I could, but she never once asked us for rent or anything. She just wanted to make sure her kid was OK after it was born. I actually wonder how many birthmother would not ask for money if the SW weren’t telling them that they can get it.

I wish we could go back to the olden days and have baby homes. A mom has a baby and drops it off at the home, or goes to the home to have the baby. One, we have so many Americans that go abroad to volunteer at places like this, the whole operation could be conducted on volunteer hours. And yes, you’d find a bunch of people who’d want to volunteer at a baby home. And, each baby would more than likely already have a place for them to go after their birth anyway with all the people waiting for kids right now, so they wouldn’t be there for very long. I just wish they’d get rid of adoption agencies. I can see haivng homestudies, but what is really the purpose of an adoption agency??

Posted: 22 September 2010 01:29 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

I’m new to the process and going through the agency we have chosen, bascially had 2 choices ~ 1 on a sliding scale of our income it would roughly $25,000 that “should” be everything included or $1500 flat! So here are the differences in the two programs, the 1st one is domestic infant so if we wanted a baby baby which we would love we would have to dish out third of that during each process and the remainder at the end. The 2nd program is AWC: A Waiting Child, domestic and older children in the “foster care” system. So withthat said we went with the AWC we want to be parents but we want to be reasonable bout the money issue as well and if i’m going to 2nd mortgage my house i’m going to do it for his/her education not to buy them. It does make me mad - As many woman this is the only thing i have wanted to do/be when i grew up was a mommy and due to my “junk” not working I have been told I have to BUY the title. Actually I have to buy the product - is how i see it. it’s disgusting - it’s just legalized black market!

Best of luck!

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