my husband and I"ve been married for 3 years, we know that he is infertile for 1 1/2 yr . I just wish to undertand his reluctance to accept a sperm donor even though after many psych sessions he became with more pros than cons with sperm donor than adoption. I am open to adoption but i am still desiring to become pregnant, can someone tell me how to overcome my desire and just keep on working with the adoption option???

I am SO happy to read this post!  I am experiencing similar feelings, though we are already deep into the adoption process and could get placed with our first baby any month now.  To explain - My husband and I are partners through and through.  We accepted his infertile diagnosis as “our” diagnosis.  He was adamant about not using another guy’s parts, so to speak.  He felt that he might not love the child as his own, might resent the child, etc.  We have a house rule - if both of us aren’t on board when it comes to important decisions then the answer is No.  Therefore we didn’t try for any IVF procedures, not even embryo adoption though we considered that (I could carry a child using neither of our parts).

So we moved on with adoption and feel destined to do so.  Yet I am still a woman in my prime.  I am healthy and able.  My gyn reminds me of this and my body does too.  Every month I know that I am ripe and ready to become pregnant.  Also that biological clock thing is not a joke.  Since turning 34, my body has been crazy and sending me messages that it’s time to do this. In my body symptoms when I ovulate - and in my mind - I’ve never felt more ready to become pregnant.  So what to do?

My husband and I have discussed this many times over the past 2 years.  He hates the topic and shuts it down.  This is not typical behavior for him. It’s obvious to me that he has some extremely bad and sad feelings about being sterile - feelings that he doesn’t want to cope with, we’re adopting, done deal.  I have asked him repeatedly to seek counseling and he feels that I’m trying to get him to change his mind.  What I wish for him is to feel OK - not great, but just OK - about being sterile.  To accept it so that he can feel happier.  And if that opens his mind to other possibilities like donor sperm, great.  Right now I feel like all the painful periods, tests, etc that I’ve gone through are all for nothing.  That’s the worst feeling.  And knowing that I am the picture of fertility health - that I’m wasting that… I feel fine about it sometimes and then sometimes I realize that I am likely to wake up one day and regret not trying donor sperm just once, feel resentment towards my husband for allowing him to make this decision for us.  And that could be detrimental to our marriage.

Thanks for letting me vent, I literally just got off the phone with my husband so the timing couldn’t be better.  Please respond, or anyone else out there - please post!  This is a really tough situation and all of my other infertile friends are “undiagnosed” - they don’t know if it’s one or the other or both.  I feel like in this case, having the knowledge that one is able and one is not is a bit of a curse.  Please shed some light!

Oh, sorry, I didn’t address your question!    In my experience, you can’t overcome your desire to want to be pregnant.  It is an innate desire.  I think that it may fade over time… like if you end up with a family of adopted children and your family is beautiful and happy, you will be too busy to think about this all the time.  But I still think it will pop up again and again.  Like every time you get your period, do you feel a sense of ‘wasted eggs” like I do?  The thing I fear the most is menopause.  It will be a huge, fat reminder of the fact that I was able to carry a child and I wasted that opportunity and I can no longer do it.  I’m really sorry if this sounds negative, this is my honest opinion.  I think that you are SO normal for wanting to get pregnant and I don’t think it can go away, maybe only fade with time.

As an update, this has only worsened for my husband and I. The good news is that he’s starting therapy to grieve his infertility and we’re starting couples’ counselling. And I will continue with my own therapist who specializes in infertility and is awesome. But we’re feeling horrible about everything right now. How can I quiet my body’s desires?  I just want them to go away. Someone please chime in here!!!!

I have traveled a rough IF journey although admittedly not with male IF. Anyway my caring 2 cents is that you are BOTH grieving. It is not just that you want to be pregnant, you have to go through mourning that loss of being pregnant and grieving is HARD. I am really glad you started couples counseling—whenever that resentment feeling comes between you, couples counseling is definitely a thing to do. Remember too that you may feel firtle and check out fine on tests but some people still can’t get pregnant or have recurring losses. What I mean is even if you didn’t have male IF or used donor sperm you wouldn’t necessarily sail on to a perfect pregnancy but I know it is bitterly sad to let go of the possibility that you might. I bring this up just to say you don’t want to be so hooked on that fantasy that it grows resentment and just makes you avoid the greiving process.
Lastly I have heard of people losing the desire to be pregnant, they said I realize I wanted to be a parent much much more than be pregnant. Or once they have their child they realize that the pregnancy (while a big deal in a womans life, no doubt) is just a little part of being a parent… the true joy will lie in being a parent no matter how you arrive there.
Hang in there, I admire all the counseling you are doing, you will get through this!@

Our son is now 3 months old (we were at his birth)... while I agree it would be nice to have carried him in my own womb, I truly couldn’t love him anymore than I do. Being a Mom and Dad is real, regardless of how it happens.  The short answer is that being a Mom (and Dad) won’t change your biological desire to produce children, but it will refocus that maternal and paternal energy in a different direction.  It certainly did for us!

Best wishes for a speedy match to your child,
Jennifer

Thank you so very much for your thoughtful posts. My husband is doing so well since being in therapy thathe’s actually now communicating with me on the topic. We haven’t started couples counseling because we’ve been back to our old selves - loving each other, having fun, lots of date nights. It’s beautiful and a relief to be “normal” again. I am still seeing my therapist and I know that my body still wantsme to be pregnant, but my heart knows that adoption is the right path for us - and my body is starting to listen. So that’s settling down which is great.  And just when my husband and I decided to start “dating” again and put our energy into us instead of the adoption, let that happen on its own… Wouldn’t you know we’ve been matched with birthparents?!  And I already feel what you said- once you have a child the desire decreases for many. I haven’t thought about getting pregnant since our match. I actually feel very much pregnant, spiritually and im even having crazy cravings and amnesting like crazy. So this gives me a good indication that when we are successfully placed (be it this scenario or another) I will have less emphasis on the pregnancy aspect and beside myself with joy over our child. Thank you, ladies. I love AF Circles because it’s members are mature and educated and I feel like I get great advice and support here.  Best to you all!

hello all my friends. Thanks all….......