My wife and I have been wanting to have kids for years and for even longer known by birth not an option. we have chosen a ageny. gone through the app and filling out all the questions who we are as a couple and each on own.

but this week we paused and wondered if we really want to be parents or if we should. we have always been good with kids, love kids etc. we have always known how much work and the time kids take you know all the pros and cons

how did everyone else become so clear and become so descive about having kids?

Thanks

I think it is natural to have these feelings… kind of like pre-wedding jitters.  It is a BIG life change and commitment - and it would not be rational to have no fear or concern.

In discussing these thoughts with my friends that have given birth to their children, they expressed the same feelings during their pregnancies.  Both the fathers and the mothers were concerned whether they had the time, energy, interest, patience, love, skills, finances, etc to be good parents.

The adoption process can be exhausting and feel intrusive. You’ll probably feel like you have no control of your own lives or the outcomes.  I think that those of us that seriously consider all the pros and cons of parenting and adoption come out of this process with a better understanding of ourselves and our spouse, and hopefully we’ll be better parents for it. 

Best of Luck, JunoFoxtrot

Thanks for your heartfelt comment, Eric.  As a mom of 4 through adoption, I actually think it is SO great that you are feeling a desire to get clear and decisive BEFORE you become parents.  Getting clear is not always an automatic process. At least it wasn’t for me.  Especially before our first adoption. It can take a tiny bit of introspection.

Here is one concrete thing you could do to get clear:  Take five minutes and write down or just ponder the following question:  How much of this adoption is a ‘should,’ something you think you are expected to do but not necessarily something you really feel deeply passionate or excited about (as in, “I SHOULD want to do this.  It’s normal to want to become a parent.  Other people do it.  It’s just what you do at this point.  It’s too selfish not to have kids, etc. etc. etc.’).

Be really honest and don’t judge yourself either way.  Then discuss with your partner and see what you both came up with. It’s a really effective way to find out if you both are inwardly totally committed to the process and truly excited about . Or if a lot of it is coming from external ‘should’ pressure.

Trust me, if you get clear on how you and your partner really feel about this, you will have a lot more energy and motivation for the road of adoption ahead of you.  And I really believe clarity on the inside brings clarity on the outside, in terms of your adoption outcome.

Good luck and look forward to hearing the rest of your story…

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Thanks for posting this question! My husband and I are just starting the process and we thought for a while about what the reasons were for us wanting to have kids.  Not sure how old you are,  I am 37, and the older I get the more I think about how much I enjoy the life I have.  In the end when we started the process we decided that we are perfectly happy just the two of us, but we feel that a child will bring more richness to our lives.  That took quite a few conversations.  We are happy with the choice, but it was not black and white.  I think your life can follow many paths, you just need to pick one, be happy, and don’t look back to judge that decision.

Thanks for the topic, Eric. The whole process is well, such a PROCESS, that I (we) often wonder if have the stamina, energy, love and patience for doing this and having our whole lives turned upside down.  I so appreciate all the other posts validating your doubts/fears,  because it has been a bundle of all kinds of feelings every step of the way for me.  We are getting are book submitted to a birth mother this week, and I am vacillating between “oh, s**t” to “I’m so happy”.  (she has to choose us, of course).  Anyway, it’s good to know I am not alone.  Thanks for sharing.  -Amanda

I don’t think you have to. It was not long ago that when people found themselves infertile- they did not have kids.  They felt it was the way God wanted it.  If you look throughout history- adoption on this scale is a very new concept.  It may not be right for you and your possible children deserve for you to not force yourself to do this.  Raising adopted kids comes with a whole lot of issues and I would research them all- Please read Primal Wound written by an adoptive mother and other works by adoptees and others involved in adoption.  It is not a given that you should adopt. 

It is normal to have these feelings but it does not mean you should fight them off and push forward to adopt.  It is not selfish to not adopt.  At all.