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Should I be a Facebook friend with our birthmom?
Posted: 09 May 2010 05:06 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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We have an open adoption that has become not so open over the past few months.  I really want to maintain our relationship with our birthmom so that the girls can know her and have a good relationship with her as well.  The calls have slowed down immensely and I do not want to intrude on her life, however, I noticed that she is on facebook.  Do I request her to be my friend?  Is that an intrusion on her life?  I think it would be a great way to share photos of the girls and an easier way for all of us to stay connected.  What do you think?

Posted: 09 May 2010 11:48 PM   Ignore ]  
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There is another Thread addressing this same issue in the Open Adoption Families forum called “Social Media in the context of Open Adoptions”.

http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/groups/topic/256/#reply-1162

We have been FB friends with our daughter’s birth parents since the day she was born.  It has been wonderful, and I highly recommend it.

Most other families agree that this is an excellent resource to maintain contact with birth families.  They can check your profile (or not check it) whenever they want too.  Check out the other thread to get some more opinions on the matter.

Hope this helps!

—Callea

Posted: 10 May 2010 03:40 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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Thanks, I am new to this forum and will check out the other thread.  I like the idea and I guess I can just request her as a friend and let her decide.

Posted: 17 June 2010 05:05 AM   Ignore ]  
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Hey there, we also use facebook with our birthmom. Our adoption is so new still that our birthmom found it difficult to read all the excitement from our friends on my page. So we opened a page just for us… this way we feel that we are not as guarded to what is shared. She loves looking through photos without reading all the comments from our friends. I have her on my personal page as well, and she then can choose what she reads ect. The private page works so well because our son is still a baby, we have chosen not to share all the details regarding our adoption, because we feel that God has given us guardianship over his history, and that he should be the first to hear all the details. Again, another bonus for setting up a private page, everything is open for disciussion between us, and kept private from curious friends/aquaintences. Not sure if that helps ... works well for us‚ô•

Posted: 18 June 2010 04:53 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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Thanks, I think for now I did not request the friendship for now.  I was waiting to talk to her again before I moved ahead.  Which from looking at the dates on these posts I realize it has been a while. I need to call her!

Posted: 08 August 2010 05:01 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2
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My husband and I created a FB page for our son (he’s almost three months) simply because the opposite happened to us. The birth parents’ extended family members were finding us on FB and friend requesting us. It put US in an uncomfortable position because we didn’t want to be rude and deny the request, but we also don’t want them knowing all of our business.

As a happy medium, I created an email account and FB page for our son. The only people that we allow to be his friends are his relatives (our families and his birth family). That way they can see pictures and videos of him, and I can post cute status updates, but it keeps our personal pages our own. Our son’s page has no information on it (other than his birth day). It doesn’t even say where he lives.

It works for us and was a great way to meet everyone’s needs. When he gets older, he can email them through his address if he wants, and they know they can email him through that address as well. They’ve been using it and more and more of their extended family members have been requesting friendship with him.

smile
Cathy

Posted: 09 August 2010 07:28 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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That is a good idea.  I think that I will talk to my husband about a FB page for all of our family members and their birth family members.  We have a lot of out of state family members and they don’t get to see the girls very often and they would probably get a kick out of seeing posts from them.  Is there a way that I can make their status updates only available to family?

Posted: 10 August 2010 12:37 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2
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Yes—You can make the page so that ONLY their family members are their Fb friends. That’s what we did with our son’s page. When he posts updated, ONLY his family sees it because they’re the only friends that we’re allowing him to have.

Posted: 14 August 2010 08:01 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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We have 2 adopted children from 2 different birth families.  We had a FB request from one of the birthmothers.  We declined.  In general, we don’t share much information about our children on line.  Also, due to the situation with the birthfather, we didn’t want him to have access to our daughter’s information.  I know there are ways to limit access to FB pages, but there are often ways around them, too.  We keep our options open for the future.

Posted: 02 September 2010 07:14 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  3
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My son’s birth mom requested to friend me and I was very reluctant. I tend to post a LOT of pictures and videos (as well as status updates about Dante) and I was worried that would be hard for her.

But our social worker said that if she is the one initiating it, it will probably be healthy for her to see our son growing up happy and healthy. She nicely said it isn’t my place to decide if it would be detrimental for her to see him through Facebook. I accepted her friend request (and the birth father’s) and it’s been fine so far. The only downside, for me, is that they’re both very young, and I struggle seeing what they write/are going through sometimes.

__________________________________

EDIT 1/12/11 : I decided to dis-allow them from seeing most pictures, videos and status updates. I grew uncomfortable with the idea that they saw everything I posted. I also “hid” their updates because I prefer not to see them, and it made me uncomfortable to read their posts about “their son”.

Also, birth dad’s mom tried to friend me on Facebook, too. I politely told him that while I was fine being friends with him and BM, we would prefer that their family & friends hear about our son from them. There has to be a line drawn.

Posted: 18 November 2010 07:22 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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Facebook scares me because of privacy issues. I have an account there for my general social circles, but it is always changing it’s privacy settings and I have so many other friends on there that I am not so close with that they need to know my children’s business. I use http://www.TiesToMe.com to connect to our children’s birth mothers. It is wonderful to be able to connect in such a convenient way and yet keep it separate from and more personal then my facebook account.

Posted: 18 November 2010 05:36 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  8
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Has anyone ever been in this situation when the birth mom has not initiated contact and when you have not had consistent contact with her? We found our birth mom on FB but we don’t know if we should initiate contact. We would love to have more contact with her for the sake of our son.

The Egg Drop Post
Two Brides, One Adoption Story
http://www.eggdroppost.com

Posted: 20 November 2010 04:43 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  112
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This discussion is definitely one that will face more and more adoptive families with open adoptions.  I haven’t faced any of these decisions with Facebook as I am not sure if any of my three kids’ birthparents have access to the internet.  But if they did, I think I may want that contact with them.  I like the idea of a personal one just for them to view.  I would hate for any of my friend’s comments of excitement in something to upset them. 

Adoptive Families magazine has addressed this from the perspective of a teen wanting to contact their birthparents online.  One article asks an expert their opinion on whether it’s a good idea for their 11 year-old to pursue contacting his birthparents.  The second article is advice you’d give a teenager if they are going to chat with their birthparents online.  Honestly, I think the advice is just as relevant for any parent who is choosing to “friend” their child’s birthfamily through Facebook.

Hope some of this helps!


Danielle Pennel
AFC Community Moderator

Posted: 22 November 2010 07:14 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4
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Thank you Danielle for your article references. Very helpful and made me thankful that I have http://www.TiesToMe.com as an option. I am so leary of Facebook’s privacy policies changing so frequently and my hope is that as my children grow into their teen years, I will be able to introduce TiesToMe.com to them so that they will be able to communicate with their birth family in a safe environment, through my account, which I can monitor. Of course, every child has different desires as far as contact with their birth family, but at least with this site, I will be able to monitor emails and posts sent back and forth.

Posted: 09 January 2011 03:09 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1
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I became friends on FB w/our birthmother while she was still pregnant.  It was hard because she has alot of drama in her life and it stressed me out reading about it & making me worry about her stress level & her poor decision making.  But it was also nice because she lives over 2 hours away and it was a nice way to make small talk without actually getting dragged into her life.  Now that our son is almost 7 months old, we are friends with many of her family members so that they can see pictures of him growing up and know that he’s being taken care of.  Although I do love the idea of creating a profile just for him to keep some of our privacy.

Posted: 12 January 2011 07:25 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  3
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NO.

One of my best friends is a birth mom, and every time her daughter’s adoptive mom posts a new picture of the baby or shares a “first,” my friend gets hurt.  She wants to know these things before the whole world does. 

I’m not friends w/either of my daughter’s bio moms on FB, even though we have totally open adoptions.  I would never want my words to hurt them, even if it’s not intentional.

You can read more about our open adoption:  http://whitesugarbrownsugar.blogspot.com/

Author of COME RAIN OR COME SHINE: A WHITE PARENT’S GUIDE TO ADOPTING AND PARENTING BLACK CHILDREN (available on Amazon), Blogger:  White Sugar, Brown Sugar

 
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