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Adopting, but still wanting to try naturally
Posted: 04 March 2010 04:41 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

We JUST found out about a baby (and were not looking to adopt) but things have all worked out, and we are due to have a baby boy through Private adoption - in 2-3 weeks!! I still want to stay open to have a baby naturally although we have been trying for 3 years without success.
This litterally FELL IN OUR LAPS - and we couldn’t say no! God has opened our hearts to adoption (especially my husband) but I am still not able to close the door to having one of “my own”.
I will not love this child any less because I wasn’t the one that gave birth to him, and luckily I have been there the past month to see and feel him move (the birthmom is great) and I have loved him since the first moment I heard that he existed! I will be there for the delivery (via C-section) and will stay with the mom through out the hospital stay as well as continue to support her for a week after the delivery.
We have chosen a “closed” adoption but she will stay in contact with my friend Susan as well as I will, so she will be able to see pictures, hear stories, etc. through her (without having contact with me).
I have grown to love the birth parents and thier 2 year old son Hunter, and will NOT be looking forward to the day that they are gone - and yet can’t wait for this to be all over!!!
So many emotions!! So much to deal with!! I thought the 2 week wait was hard!! That is nothing compared to this! Especially knowing that I can be doing all of this - getting ready - having showers, etc - and they can change their minds in an instant and it’s all over!!! Nothing I can do but count the money lost and the hole left in my heart!!!
It is funny though how my husband hated the “scheduled” sex while we were trying, and now due to the closing of the house, the baby, and our lives being UPSIDE down for a couple of months…. and us NOT “dancing” - he is about to die to get some!! HAHA!! I don’t want to risk it at all - No way I want to be THAT woman that couldn’t get pregnant - adopted - and BOOM, got pregnant!! HAHA!! - isn’t that HORRIBLE!!???
How does your mind (and heart) change so fast from wanting NOTHING else - but to get pregnant… and now, trying everything NOT to get pregnant!! HAHA!! What’s wrong with this picture??

Well, I’m glad I found this site and look forward to getting to know everyone better!!
Good luck to you all!!
God Bless!!

Posted: 07 March 2010 04:46 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  4

Well from someone outside looking in, I would ask you this; if you did get pregnant after adopting, would you really be upset? I will feel very blessed to have one child at this point, and if God gave me two I would feel doubly blessed! If you have only stopped trying because you are afraid of others reactions, then you have stopped for the wrong reason (do you really care that much?).  Also, be careful not “dancing” with your husband.  It’s an important part of marriage not only for procreation but for your mental health and the psychological health of your relationship with your husband.  Besides, we all know it is a huge stress reliever and adoption comes with a lot of stress.  If this adoption situation has truly fallen in your lap, God won’t give you more than you can handle. I say stop worrying so much about what might happen and enjoy your marriage. You will need it to be strong to bring home a baby! Give your husband what he wants and he will most likely be a much happier hubby and more willing to help with all things baby.  smile

Posted: 09 March 2010 06:43 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

Hello, Aunemom2b!  I was happy to read your posting.  Congratulations on your special news.  I am sure you have lots running through your mind, and lots to prepare for also.  My husband and I did not wait long to be matched with a birthmother either, and we became parents to our baby girl rather quickly.  Although not quite as quickly as you (we finalized our homestudy, were matched with a birth mother two months after that, and our baby was born a little over two months after that).  It was exciting and busy, but really great, too.  I can relate to some of what you are experiencing, and I want to wish you the best.  This is a unique opportunity that not everyone is able to experience and appreciate. smile

I could also relate to how your relationship has changed a bit.  I think that is normal.  We went through some of the same thing.  For years we wanted to very much to conceive and went through a lot of the stuff that most couples dealing with infertility have to deal with, but once we started on the adoption process and were matched with a birthmother, our priorities and our energies shifted.  And when our little one came, wow!  It was wonderful, but at the same time, a shock to our lifestyles.  Being a parent was much more work that I realized. I enjoyed it, but I was tired and felt like I had a lot to learn.  So, I could not even imagine wanting to become pregnant, like you said.  I thought, I love being a mom to an infant, but honestly, I feel like I need a good amount of time before caring for another baby.  So, we were rather cautious at first.  However, because of the prior infertility, my husband and I really believed that were just were not going to become pregnant.  I had it in my mind that it was not ever going to happen, and you know, I really felt ok about that.  It was like I had accepted it.  I had such a great new focus in my life (our little girl), I just did not think any more about getting pregnant.  I could hear about relatives and acquaintances becoming pregnant and not feel a little sad or jealous (or bitter) inside, like I am afraid to say I sometimes felt during those years of working so hard to become pregnant. 

Well, we had a huge surprise a few months ago.  We stopped trying, and we became pregnant.  At the time, our daughter was only 10 months old.  I immediately worried about how I would handle taking care of two young children, so close in age.  And I worried about how our daughter might handle a new sibling, and all of the other things that race through one’s mind with news like that.  I was not upset about the pregnancy - I was nervous!!  I did not see this coming.  And, all I could think of were those friends of our’s who constantly said, “You know, as soon as your adoption is complete, you are going to become pregnant!”  I had a feeling we would get a lot of “I told you so” ‘s.  However, the idea gradually sank in and we become more comfortable and excited about the pregnancy.  Unfortunately, though, we lost our “little fetus” (how I refer to him/her) at about the ninth or tenth week of the pregnancy.  It was very upsetting.  Miscarriage is painful no matter how it happens.  But what got me was that now I was also confused.  The month before I found out I was pregnant, I believed I would not become pregnant, and I believed that it did not bother me anymore.  Or maybe I was telling myself that, but I really did think that I did not care anymore.  I knew how precious my daughter is, and I was so happy and busy with her, I was convinced that if we had another child (adopted or biological) that would be just fine, but at the same time, if we only had our little girl, that was great, too.  When the miscarriage happened, all of the earlier sadness came back.  The frustration and the feelings of wondering “why?” returned, as did some of the desire to want to have a biological child.  This kind of bothered me.  I was never expecting to want to “try again” and there were a lot of mixed emotions.  I wondered how I would get through it.  I thought that my infertility struggle was over, but as our adoption social worker said, “You never REALLY get over infertility entirely.  You just find ways to move on from it, but it is never really gone.”  I actually thought my infertility sadness was gone, but perhaps it wasn’t. 

I am doing a lot better now.  My hopes of getting pregnant are not completely gone, though.  But as the weeks have gone on, I have not thought about it quite as much.  Maybe they will lessen even more as time goes on.  Still, as sad as it all was, it was a tremendous learning experience.  I can totally see what you are saying about being so excited about adoption, but also not being totally ready to stop trying to conceive.  I guess we never really know what might happen, or how we might react until we are in that place.  And your concerns about getting pregnant when it is not maybe the best time are certainly worth considering.  I felt the same way, and I think that many would.  I suppose we really do just have to take it all one day at time, and live in the moment.  Thank you for letting me reply to you!  I really have not talked with many friends about my experience, and it was nice to share it.  I am so pleased to read about your upcoming event!!  Take care.

Posted: 10 March 2010 02:24 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  2

Thank you BOTH for posting your thoughts, concerns and experiences - THANK YOU!!! You have made me think - and appreciate my husband (and we danced today! grin - even if we are absolutely HEARTBROKEN!!!

The couple has left town. I don’t know when they left or why - I texted them and they texted back making me think they were in town.
I saw them on Monday for the doctor appmt. and texted back and forth from then on… I assumed they were here (they said they were at Walmart - or at the park, or sleeping… Saturday night I asked if Hunter (their 2 year old) could come to church with us again - and they said YES - HE WOULD LOVE THAT!! - so we went at 9:00am to get him, and no one answered the door… I immediately suspected something because they are never gone that early!!(when we got him before they had JUST woke up!)

I was so upset Sunday with THOUGHTS that something that couldn’t stop crying and thinking the WORSE - but it was also the day of my first shower!! I had to put on a smile - greet my guest and enjoy the gifts I got, thinking “I hope they have receipts!”

I asked for everyone to pray - I didn’t want to think that they could do anything!!
My DH went by the hotel, was let in by the manager and said that they had stuff laying everywhere - so I didn’t think much about it.

I went myself on Monday after work - and the “stuff” were all the blankets and towels I had given them. All of their things were gone!!!!
Luckily, the manager gave me back the money I had already paid on the hotel (one month’s worth).

Of course, I talked to dh and immediately broke down! HOW could this happen? WHY did this happen? I didn’t take this very well AT ALL!!

God has been involved in this from the VERY beginning… HE was the one that made this happen - HE was the one that moved the obstacles that I couldn’t believe could ever be moved! This has been the absolute most incredible experience - one that only GOD could make happen… and now this!!
I know HIS hand is still in this, and there is a reason for this, but no idea WHY or HOW…

Please pray for this - We love this baby - he is OUR baby and nothing will ever change that!! I LOVE HIM!! I don’t want another baby - I want him!!

We are trying to remain hopeful and hoping she will understand what she is doing and come back. I think her boyfriend has threatened her - (he told her that he would take the boy (2 yr old) and she would have no one) ... she has no friends, no family - and will do whatever it takes to keep him!!

God has a plan, there is something we have either done in their lives, or something they will do in ours. Either way - this is the most painful thing I have dealt with (the worse is the death of my friend Dana 3 years ago!) It’s like a still born - we have the nursery, the gifts, the baby book, etc - all ready to bring a baby home from the hospital in a couple of weeks!! It’s so hard, so painful, so unthinkable…

Just pray for God’s will and we will have to accept whatever that is!!

Posted: 10 March 2010 02:31 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1

I am in the same boat as you we adopted our beautiful baby girl last April and have never closed the door to hopefully being able to conceive even though they say its impossible! So I wish you the best with your new addition and hopefully another new addition!!!

Posted: 10 March 2010 12:02 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  28

I am very sorry that you are feeling heartbroken right now. I know from personal experience that both infertility (and a miscarriage) and an interrupted adoption are extremely painful.

But I also feel that it is extremely important to keep this all in perspective. When in the process of adopting, especially when matched before a baby is born, it is important to remember that the baby is not yours until he is born, the parents have had an opportunity to re-think their adoption plan and all the paperwork is signed. Until all that happens, the baby is already with his mother. The mother who is carrying him or has given birth to him. I know that it is hard and that you get emotionally attached to the baby and the situation, but you must be careful not to feel entitled to the baby until the entire legal process has been worked through.

When my husband and I were pre-matched with an expectant mother, we always referred to him as the “Maybe Baby.” It helped to remind us that he wasn’t ours until after the birth and the court papers had been signed. And we also told ourselves that the money we were paying for the maintenance of his mother during her pregnancy was a non-tax deductible donation. If she changed her mind, that was as it was meant to be and we had simply helped another human being who needed some extra help and support at that time.

I hope that my message doesn’t feel harsh to you as that is not the way it is intended. And I believe that with time the hurt will diminish and you will be able to see this situation with a clearer heart and mind.

Good luck in your future, whether it holds a biological child or an adopted child.



Posted: 17 March 2010 05:47 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  9

I know how you feel! We tried to concieve for 7 years! 4 years into that we adopted our first in 05, our 2nd in 06, our 3rd in 07, and our 4th in 08. To be honest I never gave up wanting to experience pregnancy but I just thought it was unobtainable. I was ALSO tired of hearing people tell me that if I adopted I’d get pregnant, because after 4 sucessful and 3 failed adoptions I still wasn’t pregnant 7 years later!
So here we are living life with our little ones all under 5 when I find out after 7 years of TTC that I am unexpectedly pregnant!  I am now 16 weeks and still waiting for the bubble to burst. BUT I did wait 7 years smile

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I would die for that