Adoption failures did not prepare me for being a mother. It just flat out hurt and I couldn’t enjoy my son fully, in his first few weeks with us, until both sets of parental rights had been terminated. I didn’t allow myself to really become attatched because I knew the reality was, at any moment, it could change. So when I held him for the first time I didn’t allow myself to want him or to fall deeply in love with him. I just held him like I would any other child that wasn’t my child. When finally it was done, there was no way for his birthparents to come back, then I could breathe and let myself begin to think of myself as his mom. Until then I was just going through a routine to provide care for him. Sounds harsh I know….but I was not going to go through that type of loss again. In our first match we were present for the birth of the baby girl. We held her, rocked her, sang to her, and took a ton of pictures. On the day we were to bring her home her mother changed her mind. She told us this will be the child that allows her to quit drinking and drugging. I support any woman’s right to change their mind - but how she did it, the timing, and also the lies were just too much. She new if that girl was born white she would raise her. But a biracial child she didn’t want. If she had told us the truth we could have been a little more prepared. If she had told us the truth we would not have chosen her to be matched with us. I am angry at what she did. Not because she decided to parent her child. I am angry because she stole my first few days with my son. The memory of what she did still was with us and I just couldn’t get past it.