Many adoptive families create rituals to honor their child’s birthmother as we did in my recent blog post Wishes in the Night (http://www.adoptivefamiliescircle.com/blogs/post/wishes_in_the_night). What are some of the ways you honor your adopted child’s birthparents around birthdays? Does it seem to help your child, or you?

What a beautiful post.  I love the way you and your family sent wishes to her Birthmother.

I mainly do something private (like pray by myself) to thank my children’s birthmother. But now you have me thinking that I could do something more obvious with my entire family.

Thanks for getting me thinking about this.

Here’s a lovely article about a ritual that one of AF’s readers developed, with her children, to honor the children’s birthmothers (with whom they were not in contact)::
http://www.adoptivefamilies.com/articles.php?aid=639

Would love to hear from more families who find ways to bring memories of birthmothers into their lives.
Susan

Our evolving ritual was inspired by a British folktale about children burning Christmas wishes in the fireplace so the ashes rise to Santa in the North Pole. Later, I read about secret writings of Chinese women being burned to send their words with them into the afterlife. Somehow that turned into lighting candles, burning letters and blowing wishes across the sky. From our social worker we got the idea of doing it on the birthday eve so the actual day can be a celebration of the child. 

This was the first year I included our daughter Hanna. She had begun asking questions about her birthmother in the past months, so I thought it was time. As Hanna gets older, I imagine the connection will grow to be more between her and her birthmother, and less between her birthmother and me. But we’ll see.

Hanna will have different things to ask of and say to her birthmother. Maybe the ritual will give her “a place” to have these conversations. Most of what I say to this unknown woman is wrapped in gratitude, and also some guilt that I get to raise this extraordinary child she birthed. (Yeah, this is its own topic.)

I, too, would love to hear more about ways people honor birthmothers. I wonder how honoring the birthmother would be if we knew who she was and were able to contact her—other than sending wishes over the sky waves.

Anybody have this situation? What do you do you?

We adopted our son from Guatemala in June, 2006, when he was a year old.  We were fortunate that we had an opportunity to meet with his birthmother on both of our trips.  We don’t have a specific ritual to honor her on his birthday, although I’m now thinking we should start, but we do have an opportunity each year to send her letters and pictures.  The agency has a Birthmother party at Christmas for any of the birthmothers who can come.  Adoptive families send letters and pictures to the agency, who in turn send them to Guatemala, have them translated and give them to the birthmothers.  If a birthmother cannot come to the party they can stop by the orphanage anytime and pick up the letters and pictures.  We don’t know if his birthmother has attended any of the parties or come by to pick up the letters and the pictures, but at least it’s an opportunity to let her know how he’s doing and express our gratitude.  As he gets older (He’s only 3 now) we’ll let him dictate a letter to her, and eventually write his own letter if he wants to.  I feel blessed that we have this opportunity.  I understand many internationally adoptive families don’t know who the birthparents are, let alone have an opportunity to communicate with them. 

Michelle B.