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Not sharing the adoption details
Posted: 06 December 2009 11:41 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  112

In my post,, I highly suggest not to share personal details of your potential child’s adoption.  This is advice I wish I would have heard BEFORE we adopted the first time.
Do you agree with what I said?  Or do you think that the more people who know the details the more help you and your child can receive, if necessary?
Have any of you mentioned details about your child that you wish you hadn’t? 

Posted: 12 January 2010 07:31 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  31

I agree. My husband and I had a few failed matches before we met our son and the first of these failed matches involved some pretty intense information. As it was our first match, we really did want to talk about it with our friends and family. And while we didn’t share the more disturbing facts surrounding the pregnancy, we ultimately probably shared a bit too much (I remember, for example, talking about the mother having other children). Because the first match seemed so abstract at first, the baby was months from being born and we had yet to even meet the mother, I just didn’t stop to think that the information I was sharing was a future child’s personal story until too late.

I furthermore assumed, because I was sharing with close family and VERY close friends, that any information shared would be handled respectfully. It is not that I am saying my friends and family are knowingly disrespectful, but by sharing some information I kind of opened the floodgates and these same people often asked much more pointed questions about the pregnancy and the biological parents. Questions that I wasn’t prepared to answer and that I often stumbled over. Because I started the conversation, I think I sent the message to others that the match could become an on-going discussion and that I would continue to provide more information as the pregnancy progressed. The initial fault was mine, and I regretted it. With later matches, including our son, we shared much less. Unfortunately, because we had shared openly at one time (with the first match) many of tour trusted family and friends still asked pointed questions, because I set up the precedent that they could.

I also agree that potential adoptive parents may need to talk to SOMEONE openly during the matching process. Perhaps other trusted adoptive parents or waiting adoptive parents. Or perhaps the couple’s social worker. I found my Sister-in Law to be a wonderful support. She was always respectful, never judgmental, educated about the adoption process, and I fully believe that anything I shared with her stopped at her.