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Going on the Defense
Posted: 25 November 2009 11:56 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  32
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In my recent blog entitled, Dealing With Difficult Comments, I describe being hit with some insensitive comments and behavior by some medical professionals at my daughter’s well-baby visit.  What kinds of comments have you heard that had made you feel defensive of your family’s adoption origins?  How did you handle those comments in a way that was respectful while also establishing some etiquette for others to follow.

Posted: 30 November 2009 08:24 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  22
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“That can’t be natural.”  Nice!  At least she guessed though!  We get a lot of “Wow, you guys were fast” or “Don’t you know where babies come from?” and ours are 6.5m apart.  Uh, don’t YOU know how long a gestation is????  Sadly, a nurse at a hospital was the one who asked if we knew where babies came from. 

I’m always just plain about it.  Nope, it’s not natural, the one is adopted and the other is IVF and if you don’t like it, take a hike and stop asking people personal questions!  smile

(Ava’s bio mom says that she does get the “how many kids do you have” question, and she said that she’s chosen to just always take the same route as I do.  She says that she always just says “Two, a son who lives with me and a daughter who lives with her adoptive parents.”  She says she’s gotten a lot of flack from some people, esp while dating, but figures that if people don’t like it, it can’t work out with them as friends or s/o’s anyway.)

Posted: 30 November 2009 09:13 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  32
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Jess,

You are way too healthy to be my friend!  hahaha….  it’s funny that I get so worked up about people prying when I went on a talk show and wrote a book!  I couldn’t have been more public and yet now that I have kids it feels like the questions from “outsiders” (ie not in the adoption/IF world) are out of line.

Our adoption counselor told us that she often responds to the questions about which of her kids was adopted with, “I forget.”  I loved that, and I tried it a few times, but some how the people I was speaking with laughed it off and asked again…  clearly they didn’t get that I was really saying, “Why does it matter? It’s none of your business.”  I laughed at them and in response said, “I’m sorry I should have been more specific.  My daughter was the adopted one.”  hahaha….  being that they are both girls, that really threw them for a loop.

Yep, I like to mess with people.  I know…  not a great way to make friends.  My circle is a tight one!

Posted: 08 December 2009 09:25 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1
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My children are 8 weeks apart and when we first started telling people about the second adoption (our daughter was a month old at the time), a lot of people asked why we would do that because having a baby is so much work! I was appalled. I found my true friends were the ones that cried and screamed with happiness when we told them of our newest addition. I do love the blank stares we get from people when I get asked how old they are and I respond “17 months and 15 months,” but since the kids are so close in age and size, we mostly tell strangers they are twins (they are “virtual” twins by definition, after all). Then I get very personal questions about their birth, etc! I truly never ceases to amaze me the comments that some people make!

Posted: 08 December 2009 09:26 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  32
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yes, it never ceases to amaze me either.  I love the questions along the lines of “how did that happen?”  As if “normal” people go around describing how the conceived their children… yet somehow I’m expected to do that with perfect strangers.  I can totally see how it’s a natural curiosity and honestly I love talking about adoption, but I’m just waiting for the day when I meet someone who says, “This is my…  conceived in the back seat of a car daughter” or “Please meet my son who was conceived after a night of heavy drinking and my daughter who was conceived a month before I was married.”  I don’t know…  it’s just odd.

Posted: 08 December 2009 11:02 PM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1
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My husband and I are just starting the adoption process and very much want to adopt 2 babies and raise them as twins, I have gotten some very rude comments about this and the thing is we have wanted kids as long as we have known one another and have been trying for over 9 years to have a baby. We are trying to get the adoption process started and are seeking to find an agency that fits us, would you be interested in being friends and advising us on how you did it?

Posted: 29 December 2009 04:45 AM   Ignore ]  
Total Posts:  1
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Don’t you just love how people find it okay to ask such questions?  It’s almost like if you walked up to a random lady in the mall with a baby and asked, “C-section or natural delivery”?  The important part is that they are a part of your family, not so much how they got there.  I’ve been pretty open about our adoption process (after all, when I took my maternity leave from work, there certaintly were some questions…)  and I’ve gotten a few of the usual comments.  My favorite comment by a well-intended co-worker was, “Labor was easy for you then…”  I wish!  Since we are adopting from the foster care system, our “labor” is everytime there is a court hearing where my little boy might go back to his birth family.  My life literally goes in two week intervals.  But its so worth it.  Every day that I wake up to a smiling, happy little boy is a blessing!  I’d recommend this process to anyone!  The other comment that I hear people say when I talk about adopting from foster care is “Oh, I would love to, but I couldn’t handle it if I had to lose the child.”  I was one of those people at one time.  But how does anyone handle losing any child?  It isn’t something that you’d ever want to imagine.  But I wouldn’t trade one single day with my little guy.  He makes everyday worth while to me.  So to those people I just smile and say, “Me neither.”  You just have to have faith :o)