Here's my schedule:

5:30 a.m.: Wake up with Jay.

5:30 to 7 a.m.: Feed and play with Jay. Try to wake up.

7 a.m. to 7:45 a.m.: Nadia and I take turns watching Jay so that we can each get ready for work.

7:45 a.m.: Babysitter arrives.

8 a.m.: Leave for work.

8:30 a.m.: Arrive at work.

8:30 a.m. to 5 p.m.: Work.

5 p.m.: Rush out the door.

5:30 p.m.: Arrive home.

5:30 to 6 p.m.: Play with Jay.

6 to 6:40 p.m.: Feed Jay dinner.

6:40 to 7:15 p.m.: More playtime.

7:15 p.m.: Bath time.

8 to 8:30 p.m.: Story time.

8:30 p.m.: Bedtime.

8:30 to 9:30 p.m.: Nadia and I cook dinner and eat.

9:30 p.m. to 10 p.m.: Relax and get ready for bed.

10 p.m.: Zzz!

5:30 a.m.: Get mentally prepared to start the whole day over again.

The weekends are spent playing catch up: laundry, grocery shopping, sleeping, spending time with Jay, trying to see friends and family.

Most of the time, Nadia and I are physically exhausted.

Just a few weeks ago, Jay started to sleep through the night, which has been great. I was hoping that he would be able to do that by his first birthday and it looks like I may get my wish—his first birthday is in two weeks.

Our first year with him has been a whirlwind of wonderful changes, but I would recommend to waiting parents out there that if you have the option to stay at home with the baby full time during that first year, take that opportunity. Jay's arrival was the most magical experience of my life; it made all of my dreams come true. Yet, at the same time, I have had a hard time finding the right balance. I can't seem to find time to perform the simplest tasks, such as returning phone calls or e-mails, catching up with friends, or even, sometimes, paying the bills. No, I am not being called by creditors, but I have always paid my bills on time—even early, I must admit—and now I find myself waking up in the middle of the night shouting and running to my checkbook to dash off a last-minute payment. I think the lack of sleep, combined with this extra (cute) responsibility and the demands of my job, has thrown me off my game.

Fortunately, I am beginning to see the light at the end of this tunnel. When Jay sleeps well, Mama sleeps, allowing me to think more clearly and to plan more efficiently. I actually think that within the next couple of months I will be able to manage to pay my bills (in advance), catch up on all of my favorite blogs, and continue with my very nascent yoga practice. I think that yoga may help me to find balance—at least I am willing to give it a try.

As a busy parent, what strategies have you used to maintain balance in your life?

Though the day was one of the coldest this winter, it was amazing. And after so much waiting—and waiting—there were a few more hours to get through, but then, in the end, the whole thing only took about 10 minutes, including the picture taking.

First, my wife, Nadia; Baby Jay; and I, along with our group of supportive family and friends, were escorted up to a beautiful waiting room where other couples who were also finalizing their adoptions greeted us. We found out we were going to be the last family on the docket that day, but the time passed relatively quickly because we were on such an emotional high. When it was our turn to go, we all—my father, Baby Jay’s godmother, two of his stalwart playmates and their moms, the executive director of our adoption agency, and, of course, my attorney—proceeded into the judge's chambers.

The judge, who was so supportive and had a wry sense of humor, was tickled that two of Baby Jay's friends, who were also born in 2010, came along, and she said that was the first time she had two other babies witness an adoption signing. The fact that Baby Jay had so many people there to support him was a good sign of things to come, she added.

Then she asked routine questions like: How much did we pay our attorney? How did we find her? Have our life circumstances changed since we brought Jay home?

"Next is the fun part of my job," she said after we answered all of her questions satisfactorily. "Do you all solemnly swear that this is a good idea—that Nadia and Eva should be Baby Jay's parents? And that this should be forever?"

"Yes!" we all cried in unison, raising our hands and swearing that this was meant to be.

"By the power vested in me, I declare it so," she said.

I thought I was going to cry but I didn't; it seemed as if it was over before it began.

All that remained was a final paper signing, followed by a celebration over lunch. In all, the day was brief but magical.

Even though I didn't cry at the signing, I've definitely cried since. I've cried for all of my trying to conceive (TTC) failures and for all of the feelings of inadequacy and loss that I carried for so long. Many of those feelings have faded since Baby Jay came into our lives and seem more distant with this finalization, though I do sometimes feel a jolt in my gut when I hear that someone is pregnant or when someone extols on the wonders of breastfeeding. The difference is that the punched-in-the-gut feeling passes much more quickly now. In a flash, I remember that I'm Jay's mom and that it—life—is OK. What a relief.

I've also cried about happy things. Baby Jay—with his smile, laughter, and playful eyes—is a perfect little soul, an incredible blessing. Nadia and I adore him beyond measure. When we first brought him home, many people said that he was lucky to have been adopted by such a wonderful couple because we saved him from "his life circumstances," but the fact of the matter is that we are the lucky ones. He saved me from living with those feelings of inadequacy and loss forever and has filled my life with boundless hope and joy. Dreams do come true.

Any day now, I should get the official paperwork from the state of New York. Yippee!

Since it's been a while, let me catch you up on what we've learned, and come to love, about our boy.

Baby Jay loves to dance, and by dancing I mean that he loves to hop up and down (with assistance, of course) to the rhythm of a good beat. Among his favorites are Baby Loves Jazz and Michael Jackson's Thriller. In addition to hopping, he has started to scoot on his belly backwards—like a squid—which I've heard is a precursor to crawling. It's very cute, and I'm not just saying that because I'm his mama.

He also loves to eat pureed carrots, squash, and peas. Yummy! After our doctor's visit next week, we may introduce the sippy cup.

Can you believe it?

All in all, my parental leave has been wonderful and I have been dreading the day that I have to go back to work. (So much so that I will put that post off until another day.)

Baby Jay is still not technically "ours." We have all of our paperwork in to the court and our adoption agency has done their part, but we are still waiting for a court date. Until then, he is still technically a ward of our adoption agency; they are still legally responsible for him.

Obviously, I would like to finalize as soon as possible, and I have my reasons why. First and foremost, I crave the emotional relief of knowing that Baby Jay is truly ours in the eyes of the court. It would be such a relief, so comforting, really a dream come true. Also, I would love to be able to file for the adoption tax credit. That refund check will definitely come in handy.

I also look forward to the day when I will no longer have to schedule visits with our social workers. My wife, Nadia, is a social worker, so of course, I love social workers, but these visits are exhausting and a bit awkward, to say the least. After six months, it's hard to submit to a checkup from a third-party evaluator, no matter how nice the person is. Intellectually, I know that the court requires us to be monitored, but emotionally, it feels a little invasive. I don't know how people deal with it.

That said, these visits are a small price to pay for my precious prince, Baby Jay!

Prior to beginning our adoption journey, we spent three years and a lot of money trying to conceive (TTC). We exhausted every fertility treatment, trying everything from Chinese herbs to acupuncture to intrauterine insemination, and finally, several cycles of in vitro fertilization. Our months were often segmented into pre- and post- fertilization periods. Very often the two weeks we had to wait before we could test for pregnancy were the most challenging.

When we gave up on TTC, we worked through our feelings of loss and decided to pursue domestic adoption and the waiting game continued! But we discovered that the lessons we learned while trying to conceive helped us with our adoption journey.

Coping with the Wait Time

1. Love One Another

During our three-year journey to get pregnant, Nadia and I experienced many disappointments, which created a lot of stress and tension in our relationship. One thing that kept us going in our quest to start a family was our love for each other. There were many times when we disagreed on what to do next, but through it all, we both knew that we loved each other and that we fundamentally wanted the same thing: to share our profound love for one another with a child.

Throughout the process, we often took breaks from fertility treatments and used that time to enjoy our relationship. We love to travel, so when our budget allowed, we would plan a vacation as an escape. When money was tight, renting a movie often provided us with the time needed to rekindle the magic.

While we were waiting to be matched, we scheduled breaks, taking time out from filling out paperwork to remain sane during the difficult waiting period.

2. Be Proactive

While TTC, we did a lot of research on the best fertility treatment options. This helped us learn to ask informed questions that ultimately helped us make educated decisions.

Similarly, during the adoption process, we remained very proactive. We wrote all of our advertising and profile material, purchased ad space on various Internet adoption sites, and built our own website. This gave us an incredible sense of control over our experience.

3. Work with Professionals You Trust

While we were trying to get pregnant, we worked with a doctor who had an excellent reputation at one of the finest clinics in the country, but he was also someone we trusted implicitly. This made it easier for us to make decisions along the way, and in the end, it made it easier for us to move on.

Along the same lines, the adoption agency we worked with was run by professionals who shared our values. The agency, Family Focus Adoption Services, does not place more than 10 infants per year, which initially was cause for concern. However, they had three things going for them:

• They have a long history of working with LGBT families, which is something that was very important to us. Many agencies have yet to embrace same-sex adoption.
• The fees for African American and Caucasian children are the same. We discovered that some agencies have different placement fees for African American and Caucasian children, which sends the wrong message about the value of African American children.
• They made us feel as if we would be part of the match process every step of the way. We knew that we would frequently be in contact with our social worker and that she was actively working on our behalf.

4. Use Your Support Network

It is very easy to become isolated while TTC. However, we were resolute in our desire to have a network of people who could give us support and advice when we needed it. When we began our pregnancy journey, we attended in-person support groups, which helped ease the pain and normalize our experience. Additionally, I created a blog, The Egg Drop Post, to tell our story, to meet other women who may have similar stories, to vent, and to ask for advice.

As we began the adoption process, we reached out to a local adoption group, the Adoptive Parents Committee, and attended their annual conference. I also continued to blog at The Egg Drop Post and I was fortunate enough to join the AdoptiveFamiliesCircle blogging community to write this blog, which chronicles my experience as an adoptive mom.

Ultimately, it was through networking that we adopted our son. A friend who had also adopted through Family Focus encouraged me to call the agency, despite their low census for newborns. Needless to say, I’m very glad I did.

5. Be Patient

Fundamentally, Nadia and I always knew that things would work out and that we would have a child of our own; we just didn’t know how. Even though TTC didn’t give us the result we wanted, every time we look at our wonderful little boy, we know that things turned out just as they were meant to.

So then, I started the adoption process and I started another wait. Instead of waiting for my body to do something, I was often waiting on someone else’s. First and foremost was the paper wait. I spent a lot of time waiting for paper to be sent, filled out, filed, and approved.

Then, we got the call.

And now that we have our precious Baby Jay, I feel like I am running the last leg of a marathon. I am almost there, tired, and out of breathe, but I see the finish line.

Jay’s birth mom has until Friday to change her mind. After Friday, in the court’s mind, she has relinquished any of her rights to Baby Jay and we will be free to more towards adoption finalization.

This time, however, I have the baby, which makes the wait all the more difficult.

I know his smile, his smell, his likes and dislikes. I am no longer living in the realm of fantasy. This is real. Jay has become my son already. When I hold him in my arms, when I am burping him, it couldn’t be more real. I know his cries: hungry, gassy, and tired. It would be beyond devastating if Baby Jay’s birth mom were to call before Friday. Even though it hasn’t even been a month since I met him, I can’t even imagine my life without him.

I have been hoping that Friday will come and go and he will be ours. But as Friday nears, my thought also turn to his birth mom. What is she thinking? How is she feeling? Has she thought about picking up the phone? She has a way to call us and my e-mail; I gave them to her. She could call me or the agency at any time. Does she have regrets? Or is she is fiendishly trying to put the whole thing behind her and move on with her life?

I guess I will never know. But what I do know is that whatever she thinks and doesn’t think, I will forever be in her debt because she gave me a perfect gift; she gave me this moment. I am Jay’s mom. No matter what else happens, this is what I have been waiting for: The here and the now with my son.

I got this exciting e-mail from Eva, one of our newest adoption bloggers, and wanted to share it with all of you who’ve been following her story on AdoptiveFamiliesCircle:

I got The Call this week. Yesterday, we assumed custody of the cutest little boy born on Monday. The birth mother let us name him and she has 30 days to change her mind, but we are thrilled to pieces with our little Baby Jay.

Congratulations to Eva!

Last weekend, my wife, Nadia, and I previewed Off and Running: An American Coming of Age Story, a documentary film about a young African American girl, raised by Jewish adoptive moms, Tova Klein-Cloud and Travis Klein-Cloud, with adopted brothers Samuel, who is biracial (African American and white) and Zay-Zay, who is Korean.

Together, the family practices Jewish traditions, while living in Brooklyn. Shot with an intelligent and insightful eye, Off and Running, has a warm, intimate feeling, and rises to the challenge of depicting the complexities involved in transracial adoption, as well as adeptly demonstrating the trials and tribulations that parents face when dealing with any young adult who is coming of age. Perhaps most refreshingly, it does not take the easy route, by casting either the birth mother or the adoptive parents as the role of the villain.

The film’s focal point is when Avery turns 18, and feels compelled to communicate with her Texan birth mom, "K," through the help of her adoption agency. To her disappointment, she receives a rather lukewarm response from "K."

During this excruciatingly slow "snail mail" exchange, Avery’s adoptive moms, Tova and Travis, become frustrated with Avery. They don’t understand why their daughter feels the need to connect with her birth mom. They appear threatened and, at times, downright angry that she continues to talk about and agonize over her lack of connection to her birth mom and her four siblings by birth who live with K. At one point, Avery says to her birth moms, "I just want to know who I am."

To which Tova responds, "You take after me."

This quest to find her birth mother, paired with a true identity crisis, leads to several setbacks and challenges that ultimately have profound impact on Avery’s young adult life—all while her adoptive parents watch, unsure what to do, why this sudden change has happened, and how to help their daughter. At one point, Travis says, "It’s like something really traumatic happened to her, but I don’t think it did."

I think that Avery’s loss is compounded by her lack of African American role models.  One day while walking down the street, Avery says to Tova, "I want to get my hair braided."  Tova responds, "Well, Travis always braided your hair," but it seems as if the motivation behind Avery’s desire for braids (braided extensions, really) is more significant than Avery’s moms realize.

Later in the film, Avery confides to a counselor that she doesn’t "know how to be black."

Frankly, I don’t think that her insecurity is only due to the fact that she was raised by white Jewish lesbians because I was grew up with two Caribbean (black) parents in a white neighborhood and I remember feeling insecure about my blackness as a teenager. There is something very distinct about the African American experience that any parent of an African American child needs to acknowledge and proactively address.

Ultimately, the love that Avery receives from her adoptive moms, provides her with tools she needs to become an adult.

The film has such a raw honestly—I really admire the courage of everyone involved in Off and Running, including the entire family, the filmmaker, Nicole Opper, and especially young Avery, who, in addition to being the central character in the film, is one of the films co-authors, for being willing to share that with the world.

It was great to watch with Nadia because it got us to talk about how we would deal with the challenges of a transracial adoption. We talked about how discussions on race would be a natural part of our lives and how we would continue to have friendships with people with diverse ethnic backgrounds so that our kids would feel comfortable with and accepted in a wide range of social spheres.

We also talked about how we will deal with the racial issues that are bound to emerge in our transracial, alternative, adoptive family, and we pledged to try to keep the lines of communication open, even though we know that "theory" is easier than "practice."  After all, we haven’t even adopted the baby yet!

I highly recommend this film to any adoptive family, especially one touched by transracial adoption.

Off and Running will air on POV, on PBS on September 7, 2010 along with some other documentaries on adoption, including Wo Ai Ni (I Love You) Mommy (August 31, 2010),  about a Chinese adoption, and In the In the Matter of Cha Jung Hi (September 14, 2010), which deals with Korean adoption.

Check out the POV website for more details.

Related Posts:

 
• Dreams of My Mother: Meet Eva’s Family
 
• Is Saying "Brown" OK?

I am, Eva, my mother’s daughter.

But, to the naked eye, we seem very different. First and foremost, Mom could pass for white. I can’t. I am identifiably black. Mom was straight, married to dad for over 25 years and I’m not. About 10 years ago, I fell madly in love with Nadia and, after a seven-year courtship, we eloped to Canada—no pomp and circumstance for me.

Mom was fertile and I’m not. She gave birth to three kids, while, for three years, I struggled with infertility. That hell ended last year with one final, abysmal in vitro cycle.

Mom never told me that growing up could bring so much heartache but maybe she ran out of time. We lost her to breast cancer more than 16 years ago, when I was in my early 20s.

What Mom did tell me was how much she absolutely loved being a mother. She said that giving birth to me and my brothers was the greatest experience of her life, and she prayed that I would be able to experience that one day. Unfortunately, giving birth wasn’t in my stars, but I know that I will love being a mom, just like she did. I’ve dreamt about it for many years and I’m thrilled to have the chance to become a mother through domestic infant adoption.

My wife, Nadia, is South American with a heart made of gold. When we met, it was practically love at first site. She loves kids of all ages and can’t wait to be a mom. She’s my soul mate. Unlike me, she never wanted to give birth. This difference caused some tension between us, but it also made our marriage stronger. Because we are a same-sex couple in a transracial relationship, the adoption professionals have made it clear that, in their vernacular, we are considered an “alternative family.”

But this is not my first experience being in an “alternative family.”

Dad was visibly black and, as I said before, Mom could pass. Given the racial realities back in the 70s,  when I grew up, we were alternative, too. Our neighborhood was overtly hostile to black or “mixed” families. It was tough going on many occasions and there were times when we were called derogatory names or physically threatened.

When something like that did happened, we would always go to Mom. She had a way of making us feel better no matter what was going on. Looking back on it now, I realize that she carried many of our fears and anxieties inside of her and her resolve still carries me through the hard times, even to this day. I hear her voice sometimes, telling me I can overcome anything. I hope to be that kind of mom to my kids.

Throughout my childhood, one thing I learned from Mom was to never give up on a dream.  Her uncompromising spirit served to anchor us inside the home, no matter what was going on outside. The lessons that I learned from her have carried me through many challenges, and I know I will draw on those lessons as we wait to adopt an infant through domestic adoption. We’ve submitted all of our paperwork to the court, put the finishing touches on our adoption profile, and we were recently certified by the court. Nadia and I have crossed over to the “expecting” category and “the wait” has officially begun.

So this post is dedicated to Mom, but also to the little one waiting in the wings, who will one day grace our home. I’ve dreamt of you, “Little Wing,” for so long and Nadia and I can’t wait to meet you, adopt you, and bring you home. 

This is my first blog for AdoptiveFamiliesCircle. I hope you will follow me as I continue to blog about our journey to adopt a domestic newborn. You can learn more about me at The Egg Drop Post. I look forward to hearing from you and sharing my story.