Waiting to Adopt? How to Cope with the Uncertainty

My partner, Nadia, and I were recently matched with Baby Jay and are thrilled to be adopting a newborn from the U.S. Our wait time was really short—six months from our first homestudy visit to the time of placement—but as any pre-adoptive or adoptive parent knows, waiting for a match can be excruciating no matter how much time passes. Over the years, we've developed coping strategies to help us deal with our seemingly endless waiting periods.

Prior to beginning our adoption journey, we spent three years and a lot of money trying to conceive (TTC). We exhausted every fertility treatment, trying everything from Chinese herbs to acupuncture to intrauterine insemination, and finally, several cycles of in vitro fertilization. Our months were often segmented into pre- and post- fertilization periods. Very often the two weeks we had to wait before we could test for pregnancy were the most challenging.

When we gave up on TTC, we worked through our feelings of loss and decided to pursue domestic adoption and the waiting game continued! But we discovered that the lessons we learned while trying to conceive helped us with our adoption journey.

Coping with the Wait Time

1. Love One Another

During our three-year journey to get pregnant, Nadia and I experienced many disappointments, which created a lot of stress and tension in our relationship. One thing that kept us going in our quest to start a family was our love for each other. There were many times when we disagreed on what to do next, but through it all, we both knew that we loved each other and that we fundamentally wanted the same thing: to share our profound love for one another with a child.

Throughout the process, we often took breaks from fertility treatments and used that time to enjoy our relationship. We love to travel, so when our budget allowed, we would plan a vacation as an escape. When money was tight, renting a movie often provided us with the time needed to rekindle the magic.

While we were waiting to be matched, we scheduled breaks, taking time out from filling out paperwork to remain sane during the difficult waiting period.

2. Be Proactive

While TTC, we did a lot of research on the best fertility treatment options. This helped us learn to ask informed questions that ultimately helped us make educated decisions.

Similarly, during the adoption process, we remained very proactive. We wrote all of our advertising and profile material, purchased ad space on various Internet adoption sites, and built our own website. This gave us an incredible sense of control over our experience.

3. Work with Professionals You Trust

While we were trying to get pregnant, we worked with a doctor who had an excellent reputation at one of the finest clinics in the country, but he was also someone we trusted implicitly. This made it easier for us to make decisions along the way, and in the end, it made it easier for us to move on.

Along the same lines, the adoption agency we worked with was run by professionals who shared our values. The agency, Family Focus Adoption Services, does not place more than 10 infants per year, which initially was cause for concern. However, they had three things going for them:

• They have a long history of working with LGBT families, which is something that was very important to us. Many agencies have yet to embrace same-sex adoption.
• The fees for African American and Caucasian children are the same. We discovered that some agencies have different placement fees for African American and Caucasian children, which sends the wrong message about the value of African American children.
• They made us feel as if we would be part of the match process every step of the way. We knew that we would frequently be in contact with our social worker and that she was actively working on our behalf.

4. Use Your Support Network

It is very easy to become isolated while TTC. However, we were resolute in our desire to have a network of people who could give us support and advice when we needed it. When we began our pregnancy journey, we attended in-person support groups, which helped ease the pain and normalize our experience. Additionally, I created a blog, The Egg Drop Post, to tell our story, to meet other women who may have similar stories, to vent, and to ask for advice.

As we began the adoption process, we reached out to a local adoption group, the Adoptive Parents Committee, and attended their annual conference. I also continued to blog at The Egg Drop Post and I was fortunate enough to join the AdoptiveFamiliesCircle blogging community to write this blog, which chronicles my experience as an adoptive mom.

Ultimately, it was through networking that we adopted our son. A friend who had also adopted through Family Focus encouraged me to call the agency, despite their low census for newborns. Needless to say, I’m very glad I did.

5. Be Patient

Fundamentally, Nadia and I always knew that things would work out and that we would have a child of our own; we just didn’t know how. Even though TTC didn’t give us the result we wanted, every time we look at our wonderful little boy, we know that things turned out just as they were meant to.

Related Posts on AdoptiveFamiliesCircle

• Reflections on My Daughter’s Second Birthday
• Interview with Lucky Bastard Filmmaker and Adoptee, Elijah Thomas
• Love Makes a Family