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Adoption Blog: Adoption: Not Just My Profession, My Life

So, Have You Heard Anything Yet?
Filed Under: Adoption Journeys

We have only officially been in the books for 6 weeks and it seems like, each time I'm with someone I only see about once a week or so, I'm asked, "So, have you heard anything yet?"

I know this can become a question that many waiting adoptive parents find hard to be asked over and over again, especially as their wait grows from weeks to months and then into a year or more. I'll probably hit that point in the future, too. Right now, because I'm already missing so much of that expecting mother celebration, I really appreciate that people are so interested in our journey and hearing where we are in the adoption process. I assume at some point they will be as tired of hearing "Nope, no news yet" as I will be of saying it, at which point I will probably hear that question less and less.

I've been trying to decide what I would prefer to hear when "Are you picked yet?" becomes less encouraging. I certainly don't want people to stop checking in with me just because they didn't know what to ask. Wording such as "I'm interested to hear where you are in the process, if you would like to share" or "I'm excited for an update if and when you have one" just doesn't seem right. The intention is still there—to find out if I have news—but the statements are more awkward than the standard, "Any news yet?"

I thought back to my own pregnancies and the questions I was asked then that I will probably not be asked this time around. "How are you feeling?" was pretty common to hear through all three trimesters. I thought how I would feel if a friend or family member posed that same question in regards to our current waiting status. Personally, I'm kind of an open book, so I don't think I'd tire of being asked how I was feeling about where we were in the process, but I know others might not feel the same. I think a safer bet for friends and family of waiting adoptive parents is to simply say, "Please know we are thinking of you often." It is not intrusive and is an opportunity for me to open up and share or not at that moment. It is always nice to know you are in someone's thoughts and that he or she sees you as an expecting parent, when it feels like the rest of the world doesn't.

Being paper pregnant is obviously very different from being pregnant in so many ways. There isn't an obvious indicator, such as a growing belly or a due date, that can tell us how much longer our wait will be. Strangers can't tell we are parents-to-be and certainly aren't expected to give me their seat so I can rest my swollen ankles. The most important missing piece aspect of being an inconspicuous parent-to-be is the celebration during that special time when you are preparing to welcome a little one into your life. Instead of having a gender reveal party or baby shower, we will be having a meet and greet when our child arrives. Instead of picking out paint colors and nursery themes, many waiting adoptive parents think that having a prepared room that sits empty would be too painful. People aren't asking us how we are feeling or taking bets as to when our bundle of joy will arrive. Many people won't really see me as an expecting mommy (to be honest, sometimes I don't either) so the focus of our conversations often turns to talk of the adoption process.

I am expecting, but I'm not. It is an exciting yet anxious time. On many levels it is the same, but also so different. That's where the balancing act comes in. The key is to find the balance of what is "just right" for me. The balance between nesting and overdoing it in a way that might set myself up for disappointment. What is right for me may be too much or too little for another, but, if it feels right, then I'm going to do it.

The important thing is to not hold back so much that you don't get to celebrate this phase of the journey. Eventually all the unknown boxes will be revealed and we will never get to go back in time to this moment of being a mother waiting to hold her child in her arms for the very first time.

I am an expecting mother, not in my flesh but in the deepest parts of my heart, and I need to allow myself to celebrate that!

Please feel free to comment below. I'd love to hear what other waiting adoptive parents find encouraging to hear from friends and family members during the wait.

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This is how I feel. Sometimes I see myself being jealous of other expectant moms. Some days it is harder to answer have you heard anything yet other days I would love someone to ask how are you getting. I just can’t wait for the day to hold the little one my hands. I dream of it a lot

By Meg27 on Monday, September 21, 2015 at 8:59 pm.

Meg thank you for your comment. The wait is such a hard time and I think it is sometimes also hard for those around us to knwo what they can say or do that will be helpful. Sometimes letting them know what you need “it’s great when you check in with me every week to see how I’m doing” or “thanks for just being there for me even if I don’t want to talk about it this week” can be helpful.

I wish you all the best on your adoption journey.

By Kristy Hartley-Galbraith on Friday, October 02, 2015 at 8:53 am.

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Kristy Hartley-Galbraith

Kristy Hartley-Galbraith


I have recently adopted or am adopting from...
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