Contest: Where Were You When You Got "The Call"?
I received the call from our agency on a Friday afternoon in November while I was at work. I could hardly believe what the counselor…...
Adoption Blogs
New Contest
Share a special memory for the chance to win a "Roots of Love" necklace.
Mommy & Me Photo Contest
Share a cherished moment for the chance to win a necklace that celebrates adoption.
2012 Cover Photo Contest
Want to see your child on the cover of Adoptive Families magazine? Enter online or by mail today!
Kids & Pets Photo Contest
Meet the winners, Truett, Grady (both 2; U.S.), Rugger, and Jake, and the five runners up.
Adoption Blog: Be Bold or Go Home
Raising Children with Thankful Hearts
Filed Under: Adoptive Parenting Lessons, Multicultural Adoption, International Adoption, Ethiopia Adoption, India Adoption
My eight-year-old daughter, Lemlem, adopted five years ago from Ethiopia, unexpectedly came to our Thanksgiving table with a list of 20 things for which she is grateful. She proudly read them aloud at the start of the meal. Every item on the list was beautiful, but Number 20 was the kicker: "Having a family that loves my (sic) very much."
Inspired, the rest of us took turns sharing some gratitude off-the-cuff -- and I almost fell off my chair when 10-year-old Didi, adopted from India four years ago, announced, "I'm thankful to have parents." Could this really be the same girl who'd muttered, "I hate you" a few hours earlier, when I'd asked her to turn off the TV?
The notion of gratitude in adoption is a sticky, uncomfortable one. Complete strangers will exclaim that an adopted child is "lucky" -- and that adoptive parents are "special people." Some adoptive parents tell their kids that they are the "special" ones, or that they are "chosen children," which can be a loving message, but also a loaded one.
All the "lucky" and "special" baggage that adoption carries comes packed with implied expectations of gratitude from the adopted child -- burdens I've never wanted my children to carry. My husband and I have always avoided that kind of "special" talk with the kids, because although adoption may have brought them good luck, we are always mindful that it was loss, pain, and bad luck that brought them to adoption.
A recent article in The New York Times called "A Serving of Gratitude" reported on the considerable benefits experienced by people with thankful hearts, including "better health, sounder sleep, less anxiety and depression, higher long-term satisfaction with life, kinder behavior toward others," and more. But, for me, the most interesting point journalist John Tierney made was this:
Don't confuse gratitude with indebtedness. Sure, you may feel obliged to return a favor, but that's not gratitude, at least not the way psychologists define it. Indebtedness is more of a negative feeling and doesn't yield the same benefits as gratitude, which inclines you to be nice to anyone, not just a benefactor.
Too often when people talk about gratitude in adoption, they really mean a sense of indebtedness -- and as Tierney points out, indebtedness is a negative and potentially corrosive emotion. The fact is, I'm the (second) mother of my children, not their benefactor, and they owe me nothing. Love doesn't come with a debt. I'm just thankful that Didi, Lemlem, and their brother Gobez seem to be developing a healthy attitude of gratitude toward all that is good in their lives.
Related Posts on AdoptiveFamiliesCircle
Post a Comment
Commenting is available to registered members only. Please log in or create an account.
Meet the Author
Sharon Van Epps
CaliforniaI have recently adopted or am adopting from...
Ethiopia, India
Adoption CONNECTIONS
» Join Adoption Groups
» Search Adoption Agencies
» Browse Adoption Attorneys
» Ask Adoption Questions
» Attend Adoption Information Meetings
» Find Adoptive Families Like You
CONNECT WITH US
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
||||||
| Free Issue | Email Alerts | Like Us | Follow Us | Free App | Online Guide |
Monthly Archives
Recent Adoption Blog Comments
-
-
The Person I Wish I Knew
Theirs a not legal women that is about to have a baby and she told to one of my family member that she is going…...
-
Contest: Where Were You When You Got "The Call"?
My “Call” actually came from my husband. I had been asleep for a few hours after working an exhausting midnight shift. When my phone rang,…...
-
Contest: Where Were You When You Got "The Call"?
You can read all about it here: http://www.thefisherofstories.com/2012/05/conclusion-of-road.html It’s actually the first time my wife gave blogging a shot. ...
-
Contest: Where Were You When You Got "The Call"?
The day I found out I was getting my kids was April 24. However, the story actually starts a few days before. Our caseworker was…...
-
Contest: Where Were You When You Got "The Call"?
I was working on the computer around 7 o’clock on a Thursday night. The phone rang. I looked at the phone number and didn’t recognize…...
6 Comments
I really like this entry, Sharron. It has bothered me before when I heard the “lucky” comments. Now I understand why - it was clearly the wrong word for the situation. I’ll educate others about this too.
Thanks for sharing!
Thanks, Danielle!
I couldn’t understand when Some says they were Proud of me and my husband or when they said our kids were lucky to have us. I didn’t and don’t understand that. They don’t say I’m lucky or proud that I had my biological son.
Hi! I just joined the site and I found you while searching for India adoption information-I was wondering if there is any advice, links, etc that you found helpful during your journey that you could suggest. My family very much wants to start the adoption of a little girl from India and I just contacted the Catholic Charities in NC (where we live) as well as the http://www.csa.org.in site to get more info on where to start. Anything you can share, since you have been through the process, would be wonderful! Thank you
Email me .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)
Hi Michelle,
Sorry I didn’t see your comment earlier!
A great source of information on adoption from India is the Yahoo group IChild, if you haven’t already joined! The adoption process from India has changed a bit in the past five years, so that’s a great place to find veteran families like mine, as well as those with more up-to-date information. Best of luck!