Is Saying “Brown” OK? Lessons from Transracial Adoptive Parenting

Not long ago, I was with some fellow moms, swapping kid stories.  One of my friends said that she was embarrassed by something her daughter said in the local grocery store.  Her 6-year-old girl had pointed to an African-American woman and told her mom, “Look at the pretty dress that brown girl is wearing.”  The mom said she quickly told her daughter in a hushed yell that “You do not call someone ‘brown’!”  She said that later she had a discussion with her child about not calling people by their skin color because it is wrong. 

Some of the other moms who heard this story were nodding their head in agreement.  One said she’d be floored if her child used “brown” to describe someone.  Another said she’d be afraid others would overhear the child and assume that they were racist.  I sat there quietly listening to all of them.

Then I spoke up with the opposite view.  “I see nothing wrong with what your daughter said.  I constantly have discussions with my kids about how their skin is brown and mine is white.  I point out a lot of our differences, like our hair and eye color.  I then explain that it doesn’t matter what color all of these things are, as we are all the same underneath.  I would never tell them it’s wrong to use a color to describe skin color, because I want them to feel comfortable asking questions about people’s differences.”

The mom who originally told the story was surprised that I, the only one there with non-Caucasian children, wasn’t offended by her daughter’s words.  “So, you wouldn’t be upset if you heard her ask why your kids are brown and you aren’t?”  I honestly answered, “No.  I’ve heard that question a lot from children about our family.  I’m never offended when I kid talks that way.  An adult on the other hand…”

The other moms admitted that they, too, thought I’d be upset if their children pointed out my children’s physical differences from my own by using “brown” to describe skin tone.  All I could say was, “Well, it’s true.  My kids are brown and I am white.  I don’t see why a child can’t point that out and ask why we don’t look alike.”

Some of my fellow moms said that they are so worried about what is politically correct these days that they want to teach their children the proper words to say.  I hope that, as a mom in a transracial family, my opinion gave their children some leeway in describing the world around them.

One of my favorite children’s books on this topic is Todd Parr’s It’s OK to be Different.  The book addresses different body types, hair styles, clothing choices, and skin colors.  Prior to each description, he writes, “It’s OK to…”.  For example, some pages say, “It’s OK to have no hair,” and “It’s OK to be tall.”  There’s even a page that says, “It’s OK to be adopted.”  It uses language children can relate to.  It doesn’t say, “It’s OK to be Hispanic,” as that is not a word (label) children use. 

Children see brown skin on Hispanic people.  So, if a child wants to use “brown” to describe someone, it doesn’t bother me.  I recommended this book for the daughter who called the lady “brown” in the grocery store—and all kids.  The book reinforces the idea that there are different colors of people, but it doesn’t make a difference, as everyone is the same inside.  Plus, the book says that differences make people important and special.  I especially like reading that part to my children and hope it’s sinking in with them.

Later, when I thought about this conversation, I was surprised that I, the one whose children may be confronted head-on with racism, precisely because of their skin color, was the most relaxed about using colors to describe people.  I am not sure if that is how other moms like me would believe.  But it’s OK to have different opinions.