Adoption Blog: Painting the Nursery

Our Failed Adoption
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Two weeks ago we were awaiting a very important phone call. It was to tell us the C-section date for our adopted son. Unfortunately, the call we received was nothing like that.

The adoption coordinator didn’t sound happy to be calling me. She said she was sorry to tell me the Birth Mother had delivered already, and had changed her mind about placing her baby for adoption. She was going to parent the child herself.

We knew it was a risk, but somehow didn’t think it would happen to us. They call it “Failed Adoption” and there are statistics about this sort of thing. I’m not reading them and, frankly, I don’t care about stats right now.

I care about the car seat we had just had installed; the clothes we had purchased for the son we thought was to be ours; the bassinet we assembled that my best friend loaned me. That sounds materialistic - the thing I really care about is the fact that we are supposed to be parents NOW. And my husband’s reaction was - well, this is the sort of disappointment we are USED to, isn’t it?


For people who deal with infertility, the hope is that adoption will put an end to that disappointment. The frustration of miscarriage is different; the disappointment often comes much earlier than a Birth Mother changing her mind as this one did. But at the same time, my hormones aren’t raging the way they do after a miscarriage, and I guess that’s a good thing.

We want to move forward. We want to be parents as soon as possible. Our agency is going to send out our ‘book’ to other potential Birth Mothers to find a good match. I’m hopeful, but I’m sad. Sad that we’re not in Florida now, as we live in New England and were due to pick up our son in Florida then stay in my parents’ condo nearby, as part of the Interstate Compact. That means my parents are sad, too. They had the Pack ‘n’ Play standing by and now may return it, in case our next match is a baby girl instead of a boy. Sad, but hopeful.

We are getting through this. Thankfully, as my husband said, we’re used to it. And, as most couples will tell you, these things can strengthen your relationship. That said; it also tears some couples apart. I feel very lucky and blessed that our relationship can withstand and grow through these disappointments. We celebrate our 16th anniversary this weekend. A friend was gracious enough to loan us his Midtown NYC apartment for a few days - nice way to escape and celebrate ourselves.

Tags: adoption profile, birth mother, domestic adoption, failed adoption


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17 Comments

I’m sorry to hear your story,,, we actually are going through the same process. We matched 5 months ago and our baby boy was due to be born on April 4. Last Thursday I received a call from the agency that birth mother was in labor and she was still on board. We left as soon as posible, drove 9 hrs got there,,, every thing was wonderfull, carried him, kiss him, took million pics. Baby was about to be discharge on Sunday from the hospital. I receive a call @ 7 am. The lawyer said…“I don’t have good news for you” Even now my hands shake and my hear rate inceases to remember that moment. I have very limited time off from my work and I didn’t want to spend more time in a town away from home knowing that I may need that time in the future. With our hearts broken and a car full of baby stuff we came back home on Sunday. As some may said,,, yes,,, the spected cliches : “God has a better plan for you’ And I know, He does,,, I have a beatiful 3 yr old dauther,,, that still can’t understand why we didn’t pick up baby brother from the hospital. That breaks my heart.

This is the 5 pregnancy for this mother,,, she aborted a baby before this pregnancy, she was about to abort this baby 7 months ago,,, she was very willing to give baby on adotion when the money was coming every month,,, I ask my self,,, as a woman and as a mother,,, she doesn’t know or understand what I’m going through ??? she doesn’t care??? During the weekend I received 100’000.000 calls,,, no body calls any more… I know no body knows what to say,, and there is really nothing to say. No body but some body that has gone throuth the same process can actually understand.

My husband is probably very used to disapointment,,, but he is acting like nothing has happened and doesn’t want to talk about it. I think I’m about to explode,,,

Yesterday I called the agency,,, because they din’t called me and they told me that because of mother’s situation, baby is still at the hospital and social services were called… so they are going to fight to get the baby,,, yes there is a small hope,,, but for how long… I know how this process with foster kids go,,, takes years and at the end baby can be still be placed with the mother,,, I don’t want that,, that’s why I choose adopton and no foster a kid,,, I don’t want to go through that… I"m so sad,,, and mean while my potential baby is laying in a crib by himself at the hospital…

I’m sorry that I share all this info with you,,, but we promise that we won’t share this with our family or friends, because we don’t want any body to tell our kids bad stuff about their birth mothers,,, but I’m very mad a her and I needed to take it off from my chest…

By mcc2011 on Tuesday, March 29, 2011 at 4:58 pm.

So sorry to hear this Renee.

By Stacy Clark on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 6:12 am.

I can’t imagine what you are going through.  My heart goes out to you and your family!

By Ellenore Angelidis on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 7:43 am.

Mcc2011, I am deeply sorry for your situation.  Ours resolved about 14 months ago (please read the rest of my blogs for updates at least until last holiday season so far!) and we are the proud and adoring parents of the most wonderful baby boy possible!

By Renee Hoyt on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 1:49 pm.

I very appreciate your comments and blessings. Probably the best way to heal is let time go by and let your feelings out of your chest. I broke my promise and talk to a friend about all my feelings and why I tough it was not only so unfair with us, but also with the little baby.  I feel better today and I know my litte angel will come to my arms one day wink

By mcc2011 on Wednesday, March 30, 2011 at 6:08 pm.

Well, I hope all those adoption professionals are happy.  They have all our money and we have nothing but failed adoptions.

Our nursery is empty.

My hearts is broken

And the tears never stop.

Are we sure these adoption professionals are NOT related to the devil?

By banthonyus on Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 3:44 pm.

Banthonyus - I’m sorry to read that you have experienced the pain of a failed adoption.  I too am part of that unfortunate “club” and I understand the need to place blame somewhere. 
Honestly, there is no one to blame.  It’s just a situation that did not work out.  Adoption professionals want situations which will work out for all the involved parties.  By doing so, they make everyone happy and will then get more and more prospective adoptive parents and potential birth mothers as clients.
I truly hope that you are able to get some emotional support from your adoption professional, or elsewhere, to help you through this difficult time.  Even here on AFC, we have a group for Dealing With a Loss in Adoption
With time, you will heal.  And eventually you’ll have the child you are aching for in your arms.  I hope your wait is not much longer.

Danielle
AFC Community Moderator

By Danielle Pennel on Tuesday, May 10, 2011 at 5:54 pm.

Recently, my partner and I suffered (and are still suffering) a failed adoption.  We spent five months spending intimate moments almost weekly with the birth mother.  All was in order and upon our last meeting with our agency to finalize delivery and post-delivery details, the birth mother changed her mind. 

We are left with many questions, a nursery decorated for a “little king,” and just pure heartache.  The baby shower, the “getting to know you” party at the birth mothers request to know our family and friends, doing whatever was needed through this process (and I am sure you all know what I mean).  Everyone says, things happen for a reason but we don’t know what the reason is at this time.

Right now, we don’t know how to pick up the pieces, but eventually we will I am sure.  During the five month journey I experienced emotions that I have never felt - overwhelming joy and the potential of unconditional love.  We can cherish the feelings we both felt during this journey and look forward a new opportunity with a different outcome.

By Bubs on Friday, May 20, 2011 at 11:39 pm.

Sorry Bubs,,, I’ve been there, and is not a happy place. It’s been 2 months already and I still have my ups and downs. Yes “things happen for a reasson”, we don’t know why,,, I had a very hard time and eventually I decided to look for help. I’ve been on therapy and that helps a lot. I pray for the best for you, for us for all the couples awaiting.

By mcc2011 on Monday, May 23, 2011 at 10:21 pm.

Same here.  We invested hundreds of hours into our birth mother. She had 3 children, aborted 5, and was pregnant again with this one that she planned on aborting at first…but didn’t have the money to do it.

I would receive messages from her that read, “no matter how hard it is, I want you to know I’ve made up my mind I’m going to do this, no matter how hard!  I want you to be her mommy!”  We left our vacation early drove 9 hours straight to be with her when we heard she was going into pre-term labor.  We stayed for 4 days with her while she was in the hospital (she had only one friend visit).  Then two weeks later we get a call “I’m in labor”, so we get in the car and drive 4 hours to be there.  We missed the delivery.  But when we arrived she handed our sweet baby girl to me and said “I don’t see my daughter I see your daughter”  The first 24 hours were great, we all sat enjoyed the baby.  And then day two hit…reality had set in for her.  She was changing her mind, clinging to anything she could.  She was completely irrational, and broke trust. The words from her mouth said one thing…her actions said another.  She went back on her word, and when it came down to signing she just couldn’t do it. 

All God asked of me when we started this process is if I was willing.  Willing to love a woman I didn’t know, and willing to parent a child I didn’t know.  I have no regrets, I loved this woman, I gave her all I had.  All the while I hoped that God would answer the hope and prayers in my heart to be a mommy again.  When I realized what was happening…when she was changing her mind…I ached all over, I’ve never been in so much pain, it was awful.  And all my husband could do was watch me go through agony.

But in the end, we stilled love her.  I don’t envy her position.  Having to make a choice for the life of her child that goes against every instinctual grain of her being.  Unfortunately I wish she could have had the strength to do the loving thing for her child by placing her in my arms.  But she couldn’t. 

I have been blessed beyond beyond.  In the end I have so many that love me, and care for me.  They would give the world to me if they could.  Our birth mother…she has no one but herself, and her now 4 children.  She had the opportunity to learn to thrive instead of survive, and break the cycle of her poor decisions. 

By far the hardest thing to do in the entire process was break it to our 6 year old adopted son.  Who cried for 45 minutes, questioning Why he wasn’t going to be a big brother.  And questioning God for not answering his prayers that he has been praying for so long.  Concepts that I do not even comprehend as an adult.  All we could do was let him cry.  It is sad. 

I guess I write all of this to say I know your pain.  Yet right now, I hurt more for my birth mother.  Its not the gift of life I seek, but the credit to her account for giving life.  She would have been blessed beyond measure.  And now, she is even more alone than she was when she began…and she’s taking her children on the path with her.  We had the opportunity to be a real physical example of unconditional love to her…whether she admits it or not, she will take that to the grave.

By amaboeam on Friday, November 11, 2011 at 3:28 am.
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Renee Hoyt

Renee Hoyt

Connecticut

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