The pain is unbearable when you have a failed adoption. In August 2014 we were in the delivery room when our baby girl was born.…...
Adoption Blog: Painting the Nursery
Our Failed Adoption
Two weeks ago we were awaiting a very important phone call. It was to tell us the C-section date for our adopted son. Unfortunately, the call we received was nothing like that.
The adoption coordinator didn’t sound happy to be calling me. She said she was sorry to tell me the Birth Mother had delivered already, and had changed her mind about placing her baby for adoption. She was going to parent the child herself.
We knew it was a risk, but somehow didn’t think it would happen to us. They call it “Failed Adoption” and there are statistics about this sort of thing. I’m not reading them and, frankly, I don’t care about stats right now.
I care about the car seat we had just had installed; the clothes we had purchased for the son we thought was to be ours; the bassinet we assembled that my best friend loaned me. That sounds materialistic - the thing I really care about is the fact that we are supposed to be parents NOW. And my husband’s reaction was - well, this is the sort of disappointment we are USED to, isn’t it?
For people who deal with infertility, the hope is that adoption will put an end to that disappointment. The frustration of miscarriage is different; the disappointment often comes much earlier than a Birth Mother changing her mind as this one did. But at the same time, my hormones aren’t raging the way they do after a miscarriage, and I guess that’s a good thing.
We want to move forward. We want to be parents as soon as possible. Our agency is going to send out our ‘book’ to other potential Birth Mothers to find a good match. I’m hopeful, but I’m sad. Sad that we’re not in Florida now, as we live in New England and were due to pick up our son in Florida then stay in my parents’ condo nearby, as part of the Interstate Compact. That means my parents are sad, too. They had the Pack ‘n’ Play standing by and now may return it, in case our next match is a baby girl instead of a boy. Sad, but hopeful.
We are getting through this. Thankfully, as my husband said, we’re used to it. And, as most couples will tell you, these things can strengthen your relationship. That said; it also tears some couples apart. I feel very lucky and blessed that our relationship can withstand and grow through these disappointments. We celebrate our 16th anniversary this weekend. A friend was gracious enough to loan us his Midtown NYC apartment for a few days - nice way to escape and celebrate ourselves.
Tags: adoption profile, birth mother, domestic adoption, failed adoption
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