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“Our Girl”: Learning What It Means to Share Our Daughter With Her Birth Family

Posted by Barbara Herel to Improv Mom 1 year, 9 months ago | 9 Comments | Post a reply

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Before we left for Indiana to visit our daughter’s biological mom, Kim, I called to check in. Kim wasn’t home, but I did speak to her grandmother, Mary, whom we never met before. It was a standard conversation covering all the expected pleasantries: “Heard so much about you.” “Looking forward to meeting you.” That sort of thing. However, there was one query that gave me pause. She asked, “How’s our girl doing?” Our girl. Hmmm … interesting choice of words, I thought.

Those were the precise words I wanted to say to Kim. I thought our girl would convey the depth of gratitude and affection my husband and I felt for Kim. That those two little words would let Kim know she was part of a far bigger picture—that the daughter she entrusted to us would always be a part of her life, and that all of us, my family and Kim’s, would be forever connected.

Alone in my bathroom and filled with emotion, I tested it out, casually slipping our girl into my pretend Kim conversation—“You should see what our girl is up to now” and “Oh, that girl of ours...” But it was no good. The intention to say it might be genuine, but any way you toss it out, our girl was ripe for misinterpretation, and ultimately, uneasiness. Our girl could in fact mean just that—our girl, not yours. Not the way I wanted to start our more open, open adoption.

So what did Kim's grandma mean when she asked,“How’s our girl doing?” What was her intention? To be inclusive, as in Beth belonged to all of our hearts? Or exclusive, as in Beth was their girl,merely on loan to us? Soon I would learn exactly what she meant.

It’s getting dark and time for us to leave Kim’s mom’s house. After a full day of traveling and having our first open-adoption visit with Beth’s biological family, my husband Tony, Beth, and I are pooped! Before we head back to the hotel, Kim invites us inside the house she shares with her mother, grandmother, and Beth's three biological siblings (we've been outside playing in the backyard).

At once, I’m struck by the array of family photos arranged above the big-screen TV. Surrounded by school portraits and holiday photos of Kim’s children are baby pictures of our daughter, Beth. I’m surprised to see her prominently displayed as part of their family, but pleased that her pictures hadn't been hidden away in some drawer.

As we hug everyone goodnight, Great-Grandma Mary says to me, “Thanks for taking care of our girl.”

There it is again—our girl. But as quickly as the words tumble out of her mouth, she stops and says, “I mean, your girl.”

So here I am standing face-to-face with my child’s biological great-grandma. A great-grandma who obviously loves and misses (and is missing out on) watching her great-granddaughter grow up. It’s the very reason my husband and I wanted to make this trip in the first place.

“No,” I say glancing toward the family photos, “you’re right. She is our girl.” And we hug again, tightly this time.

9 Comments

This makes me cry but also smile at your bravery.

By JejiMom on Tuesday, August 23, 2011 at 9:19 pm.

I love how inclusive “our” can be. And I also love it when people recognize that using it adds to everyone and takes away from no one.

Great post, ImprovMom.

By Lavender Luz on Thursday, August 25, 2011 at 2:58 pm.

Way to make me cry.

By skitteny on Friday, August 26, 2011 at 5:29 pm.

Wow you made me cry we are adopting a baby girl; she will be born in 2 weeks and I am trying to figure out how the open adoption will work and I pray it is as wonderful as yours!

By crystal129 on Saturday, August 27, 2011 at 1:14 pm.

Thank you for sharing this story. I can really relate to your story and am encouraged and inspired by your experience.

By The Elliott Family on Monday, August 29, 2011 at 1:41 pm.

Thanks for all of your wonderful comments—and tears! ~ Barbara

By Barbara Herel on Sunday, September 18, 2011 at 2:26 pm.

A couple of comments from Facebook:

Bethie Daskalos I loved reading this. Ironically when speaking to my son’s biological mother I say “our” as well. She loves it. As for as coming to that decision it just spilled out my mouth as natural as could be. She looked shocked and then started getting emotional and I had to figure out what I had done. She let me know that it was not a bad thing and that it made her feel included and not forgotten.
August 23 at 10:33am �� Like �� 2 people.

Annemieke Zwaans
Oh, there�� definitely a free space for a new word. ��ur does not differentiate well enough. Trans cultural adoption gives even more challenges in communication. I�� always afraid to be insulting or hurting.
Referring to each other is equally difficult. Our children solved the problem their way: they ‘exchanged their birth relatives to each other. Since “by law and love they are now sister and brother, they decided that both birth families would surely be ok with the swap (One has contact with his father, the other misses him dearly, but she has birth siblings which he doesn�� have) ? In-laws ? Doesn�� really fit the bill either, does it? .

August 23 at 11:56am �� Like

By Barbara Herel on Sunday, September 18, 2011 at 2:41 pm.

Gah!!! Why do you have to make me cry at work?!!!

By JerseyJenna on Wednesday, September 21, 2011 at 3:50 pm.

This is a story I can really relate to. I share our story in my profile.
We have a very open adoption. “our” daughter has seen her Birth family many times. She was the flower girl in her wedding a couple of years back. This was very emotional because she met her entire family. She did not marry our daughter’s Birthfather, but he has seen her only one time on a visit for a short time at a park. Our daughter is now 6 years old. She knows her adoption story. It is ever evolving. Her Birtmother graduated last winter from college and we were there. We live in Alabama and they live in Wisconsin. Flying gets expensive.
Since her marriage she has recently had twin boys. Our daughter wants to meet her “Birth brothers” as she calls them. We will visit sometime within this year but are not in a really big hurry. She is now in first grade. At the beginning of the school year she had to take an “all about me” bag to school. I gave her the option of taking pictures of her family in Wisconsin. Of course her teacher helped her explain as best she could our daughter’s special relationships. This helped her greatly. She comes to me with questions and I answer her as simply as I feel she can understand. She is thriving and happy. She knows that she can call Wisconsin to speak with her Birthmother or Grandparents. Her Birthmother keeps an ever growing number of pictures of “our daughter on her Facebook”. That was hard at first, because most of them our pictures that I have sent her, a lot of which are on my Facebook as well. She calls her on her Facebook the birth name they had given her. This kind of hurts a little, I wish she would just use her new name. We included part of her birth name as our daughter’s middle name. Mother’s Day is always hard and we have never sent a card or anything. I think that is too much. Our child is happy and well adjusted. No doubt she has many, many people who love her. One thing people ask is why do we keep in such contact and I really don’t owe anyone an explanation, many people don’t ask. As long as our daughter wants the contact it will be available to her. We just take it day by day. Weeks may go by and we don’t even discuss things unless she is the one to bring it up.
Hope this helps someone else. There is so much more to our story, bot you can only write so much. I don’t want anyone to get bored.
Blessings to all of your families.

By TammyS12 on Saturday, October 01, 2011 at 11:54 am.