I too gave that A LOT of thought before adopting myself.  However, given that the birth father is ten years older than us and the birth mom 4 years younger, I don’t really feel like I am robbing him of anything more than he would have gotten with his birth family.  I do try to maintain his relationships with his cousins, so he will have those connections later in life if we aren’t there.  I do have a friend that was a late in life Oopps child, and so, now, in his later years he misses having his parents around.  But I think there is a bit of freedom in that as well.  Instead of spending these years tied to a care home he is out and enjoying life.  There are many different ways to look at age and other issues in life, and THAT is what I hope to try and teach my son.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, thank you for shedding light on this issue! Especially from a child centered perspective!! I am in a custody fight to adopt a 2 year old relative…and the foster parents who are in their 60s are fighting to adopt him as well. The anxiety that your little one expressed is EXACTLY what I want to protect our little guy from…to answer your question…yes I believe there does come a point where a person becomes too old to adopt an infant.

I would never have guessed you were 53 by the way that you write.  I just assumed we were similar ages.

I appreciate your post. We, too, have an adopted child who has done the math. He was talking to me about age after school one day: his age, my age. Then he went on to say, “one of the kids in my class has a grandmother younger than you, mom.”
  We did a little laugh, but the reality is I was 43 when our adopted son was born. We, too, talk about the advantages of being older, but also addressing the fears our son has of us dying and leaving him.
  I agree with you. Age should be seriously considered in adoption. But if it comes to this being their opportunity to have a forever family, then by all means make the best of being an older parent.

What a great post! I can fool myself (temporarily) by coloring my hair & hanging job out with younger moms. My husband is also younger. Age does matter and you gave me a different way to look at it. Thanks!

Thank you for this post!  I think about this all the time.  I am 43, and my children are 10, 7 and 3.  I was 40 when my daughter was born.  We had always planned on having 4 children, but we did the numbers and decided that I didn’t want to be in my 60s and be a parent of a high-schooler.  Not fair to anyone!  We are blessed with three beautiful children.  It’s not like I’m 43 and now wanting to adopt for the first time.  Soooooo blessed!

What an informative (and well thought-out) post—you write directly from the heart, and don’t hold anything back. That’s what makes a great blogger. So, kudos to you. Though I am did not adopt my children, I am an adoptee, and have struggled with this my entire life. I was adopted at the ripe age of 5, during WW2. Countless years later, and I still struggle with my status. It’s writers like yourself that inspire me to put my thoughts onto paper. So, thank you for the inspiration. I will be channeling that into my future blog posts. (elainepinkerton.wordpress.com) I recently published my book, The Goodbye Baby, A Diary about Adoption, and it’s amazing see how big of a adoption community there is out there. Thank you for this post.

I am absolutely insulted by this posting. First off, I am the daughter of parents who went into parenting at an older age. My parents are in their late 80’s and lived a happy life. My mother recently died (my dad is still very alive and playing tennis every day) and I have nothing but love and admiration for her. my mother was a strong, loving, and amazing woman. I am not lamenting that she was older, but rather that she was a trail blazer for her time. I’ve enjoyed the wisdom and solid parenting they have been able to impart and i do believe it has to do their older age. It’s amazing this mother doesn’t speak up for herself and share how wonderful it is to have the wisdom and experience to parent her children. I’m not saying younger parents don’t have these things, but with age wisdom does come. All kids fear their parents will pass, but if they feel secure and know exactly what the plan is if this happens than there should be no fear. I too am now an older parent with school age children and this has never come up. We don’t judge people by their age. we have talked about where they would go in the event that we pass and they are at ease. I refuse to continue a stereotype that older parents can’t give their kids the security they need. Why dwell on what may come rather than being present for your children now. Plus, you have no right to say that people should not parent after 40. Shame on you.

It sounds like some of us are allowing fears about getting older (our own fears, society’s fears, and our children’s fears) affect us very deeply. Yet these beliefs about older parents not being as great as younger parents are just that: fears. We can conquer, and help our children conquer, this type of fear the exact same way we help them conquer other fears they and others have around adoption… by first recognizing and dealing with the fear ourselves, then talking with our kids about it, as often as they need and in as many different age-appropriate ways as we can think of. As a 47-year-old mom of an 11-year-old and a 3-year-old, I am inspired to eat much more healthily and exercise much more than I otherwise would. I am the perfect parent for these children, even though I am not a perfect parent. I think we all learned long ago that life doesn’t work out exactly like we thought it would. We can mourn that and worry endlessly about it, or we can accept it and move forward joyfully with how life really is, not how we or others used to think it “should” be. Our children will follow our example.

Thanks for the comments everyone—believe it or not, I always appreciate differing opinions! However, I will not accept shame for writing about a difficult topic that is of importance to my children.
In that vein, I want to clarify that this blog was from my 9-year-old daughter’s perspective (one that her twin sister does not express, by the way).
I think I am an awesome and energetic mother and most people would be surprised to learn that I’m a proud member of the AARP. In fact, I just got back from London with my daughters where we had an extraordinary and memorable 10th birthday celebration that included lots of walking (and dancing) and not so much sleeping!
While I know that a parent’s death is a common childhood fear, I think that as an older person I DO need to take it seriously, especially if it’s expressed. That’s part of my job as a parent. The blog was written to show my surprise that despite my energy, my participation in their lives and the wisdom and patience of my years, Little Bit still worried that I am older than all of her friends’ parents by a good 10 or 15 years and that would mean she’d have less time with me.
Kids fear lots of things they don’t share with their parents. I’m very glad that Little Bit shared her fears with me, so she can be reassured of her safety and future, regardless of mine.
And for the record, I never said you shouldn’t adopt after age 40 or 45 or 50. But I do think age is something important to consider when adopting an infant later in life.