I’ll Cry If I Want To

Posted by Renee Hoyt to Painting the Nursery 3 years, 6 months ago | 0 Comments | Post a reply

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I won’t apologize for my blogs’ optimistic and positive perspective.

I write this way for a reason. It is uplifting to me. I am emotional enough to break down crying at television shows and commercials, and I’m not embarrassed. I actually enjoy those ups and downs.

My husband bought me a copy of the Pixar movie “Up” for my birthday and we watched it over the weekend. I had no idea they addressed infertility in the opening montage of the movie. It was handled tastefully, and it caused me and my husband to cry while watching it. The opening montage briefly touches on the topic, but the theme is there throughout. It was a good cry - therapeutic - and a great story, extremely good at dealing with ‘our topic’ in an adult fashion while allowing children to enjoy it without getting bogged down.

My mixed emotions carried me happily through the movie’s end, when the lead character practically adopts a small boy whose father is clearly not equally interested in parenting him.

My friends and family members all have children. I am thrilled that they are parents. And yet it leaves me with sadness when I see them sometimes. The interaction, family dynamics, Halloween pictures of adorable children in costumes posted all over Facebook—all have similar effects on me. A very close friend recently told me she was pregnant, and was so gentle about sharing her news; I realized how sensitive she was to my potential jealousy. After being a stepmother to her husband’s special-needs child, she deserves this happiness and I’m very glad she is able to experience it.

However, seeing babies or even pregnant women is still sometimes difficult for me. I don’t think I can feel comfortable going to baby showers; at least until our adoption goes through.

My parents were kind and generous to send us to Vegas and the Grand Canyon as a tremendous birthday gift after our most recent failed adoption. We celebrated our 20-year relationship there, and also got the chance to see our dear friend and her 9-year-old daughter. It made me happy for her; she is a terrific mother, especially after experiencing a very difficult childhood. However, I had a lump in my throat, thinking how I wish that was us, getting a chance to be silly with our little one over lunch.

We are pleased that we’ve got newborn clothing and hand-me-down items for either a baby boy or a baby girl, for when our adoption becomes a reality. Then again, that stuff is tough to look at, sitting in the ‘spare bedroom’ we want to call a nursery. I sometimes cry after seeing our nieces and nephews, wishing that we already had the joy those families get to share with each milestone. However, we know it will happen for us someday. So we stay hopeful, positive and optimistic.

Many of our friends and family members tell us, “Enjoy this time alone together.” “Appreciate your full nights of sleep.” We get it—and thanks for the warnings, folks. We just want to have those sleepless nights—now, please?

Tags: domestic adoption, failed adoption, waiting

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